So; the most important thing is to finish the visualization work God set forth for me concerning my first love; to re visualize that relationship turning it into a positive ending within my imagination.
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I have allot to say but then I have allot of work to do. I know a bit about the work I have to do. I know I need support this time for my expressions. I have to feel safe. I want to feel safe.
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I need safe places....
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safe people
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I wasn't around safe people when young but didnt know it.
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I have to keep positive and keep working with God
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braking through this Wal;l' I have ask 'god fiord what I want.
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The next solution that came to me while in isolation; A well to do friend of mine suggested something to me after I talk intently about the women problem... He came up to me after the mens meeting when it was time to chat and said this: and he Was smiling and laughing a bit; He said " Did you tell her you liked her?" He just smiled and laughed a bit of realization laugh; like! Hey; You missed the one thing that would clear all this up; Why dont you just tell her you like her? " Did you tell your you liked her"
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"Did you tell her you liked her";
This statement is one of the end all conditions Im trying to come back to; to achieve; Nothing is harder for the dissociative personality then to come back to ground zero; feel safe; and connect; This is what the whole life work is about. The ability to have my voice back; my soul; my narrative and to walk up to a women; the right women and say " I Like You"! And their it is; In a away; all the visualization work is about that; Being that open simple and clear and immediate with my feelings.
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And the ability to connect at that level with everything; that is the goal. To be back; that what Im looking to connect again with; not their yet; way to much fear and pain and horror and terror and un trust.. I mean; it brings up the black abyss...
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So a gap resides between me and where I want to be socially; And Ill pray about this and imagine Im walking over this gap over n over n over to the other side; and when I hit the other side; Ill be hitting a podium; and when I step up on that podium; beautiful women will be waiting to grope me; a cheering crowd taking over to cheer me on and my accomplishments...
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SO; Tell them I like them. I can see the real me when I was a child wanting to come out again; but id have to be or feel safe or allot of things; but thats where Im headed; back to being me; its where I grieve not living in my house or on my street anymore... nothing. and no one cared; nothing. and no one stayed friends with me; no one cared; nothing; sociopaths...
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SO; I cant take it personally. I have to work on what I want; whats right.. keep working at it...
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As for performing;
I have to start 6 years before a person starts performing. That means; 5 years old; 4 years old... 3 years old; how about Age 7 or 9..... Before; its about opening up to the world and being expressive and out going with a plan. My plan is to perform. I have to start way before I perform. I have to be outgoing in front of others in general; just out going kind of.. something; thats even to much. Ill work with God on it... Ill pray about it.
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Pray for the courage to be passionate for what I want...
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My passion as been to defend my defenses... Okey; what have I gotten for it. Fair enough; I mean; Im damaged and have to defend that damage; Im destroyed and dont function; but what happens when I want to get back to life. Now; what do I defend; my destruction.
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Passion;
How do I defend my passion for creating music... ? if I have no outward passion for creating music because I hate the outside world with a (pause); passion... I have to start loving the outside world and loving to defend my position of music creator and performer in the outside world. How do I do that... Thats what I will pray about...
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I dont want to be let down I guess; I think someone owes me... or something.
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What about no one owes me anything and Im just going out to learn how to perform. I say to myself; I can do more then being performer; but the truth is; everything is performing and participating. Ive been anti participating on everything and stayed to myself in my room all my life. Never fighting to be part of anything for going outside. So; whats next; what do I do about this. I get a plan. I can see it forming in my head; its an idea of being outside; being strong and defending my position outside... with something I believe in... thats all new for me to actually do something I believe in outside; but Im heading toward it and dont know anything about it; Ive been cut off from believing in such things.
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Number one issue its; visualization of my first love within my imagination; to creat a new narrative and a happy ending; I will continue this until it is completed.... God behind it...