I can feel it; the work I've done or the work God is doing; its seeping through me! Im starting to rearrange on the inside! The problem is; Im becoming myself on the inside but the outside world does not resemble the inside world i remember when a boy! I feel like Im landing on a strange purple planet of question marks; the goal is to be OK-e with it!
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"Im all alone from yesterday"; Ive felt alone in this strange new world; however, this is changing; In reality; not anymore; Im not alone anymore! Im not! I have strong points created everywhere! so, as for the closed world of recovery; the recovery process is working! The problem is; I never wanted or chose any of these strong points; people and places and things, the town, its just a stopping place, its not home.
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The new people and places and things of recovery; I never suggested I like them; they are non personal! meaning; I did not chose them; they are not precious to me at a personal level, anymore then a hospital stay is precious in a personal friendship way! The hospital stay is precious for my life to continue, it does not mean its personal; neither are the strong holds of recovery; they are pillars of strength established! However, they are strangers; many of them or routine closeness robotics!
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A train station can be a social strong hold for some, in a personal way; but the train station people and events are not personal; Its a strong hold, its still a stranger! If you need a hug, one can get one from a stranger; the hug is personal, the person giving it is not of a personal roll!
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The point; God has and is created a strong recovery process for me; it does not mean Im not shaken and upset and weirded out and traumatized to the point of disability as I work through this recovery!
Im still sick or disabled!
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I have to put on a smile and humble myself, allowing the locals to believe their in charge and Im one of them and they are important to me! In fact, they show up; thats what makes them important to me; who they are; doesn't really matter to me! cult of personalty is part of their thinking, not mine; Im not in love with worshiping them as my grand leaders; but they think they might be giants! I know better; Ill go a-long with it as long as I get fed when Im starving; but It aint personal!
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Re-arrangment!
When I was a boy, I had certain quarks about me or identity spiritual marks; things that significantly indicated it was me entering through the door; I was a specific Identity! When I was destroyed, my mind left me and all things associated with that first personality; or that child personality where gone; actually buried in time! buried alive!
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Now, source energy God is rearranging me; getting the original identifiers in order that I may land this space shuttle correctly; Im landing on an identity plate I launched off of.
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This ship has landed several times back on earth; but I was not in alignment; things were in balanced; the check book ledger didnt read the right numbers; one might say! Ive had several dry runs!
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I can feel source energy going deeper in me preparing me for land!
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Im looking forward to letting go of the fear; the over all general fear that grips me! Im looking forward to becoming myself and not being afraid of the outside world I live it; that it can take me away from me again; rip me into pieces like before; destroy and rip off my identity mask; rip it off at the roots; the face mask; flesh mask; self mask! I had it ripped from me leaving bone and skill matter and 2 open eyes and teeth, and nothing else! ripped off me like a dog attacking a drunk; biting him in the neck area and working his way through the face, tearing his face off the skull!
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They dont understand people like me! The whole of the recovery process or journey, Ive been a lone wolf! Ive had to blend in to fit in! I have dissociate disorder and altho, many have some form of it; few have it to disability levels! Im in general recovery for this and many other things; and altho, they try to relate, many cant! and it gets frustrating and lonely! Im doing OK-e! It seems theirs a place for everyone; Vests, Christians, drunks; but for guys like me with my specific problems; I have to fit in with everyone to take advantage of the general recovery process offered! I have to make the whole of the recovery process into an identity that I can understand!
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Im looking forward to accepting the outside world as it is and accepting where Im at in my recovery! I spend allot of my time; or, Ive spent allot of my time in traumatic shock and fear; fear of the outside world! Im looking forward to concentrating on my goals and being bothered with nothing else!