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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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intimacy

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am

I cant even watch porn and get off because of intimacy problems. This could be a good sign; I don't know; it could mean Im coming back to intimacy with people; I don't know. but I can feel it; Ive seen and been involved with to many up close bad things and bad people and betrayals.
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Im socially getting stronger; Am I getting stronger with the right people? No! However, these are the people the universe is bringing me to work with. Can they be trusted; well; only to a point. But its working; every time I see someone at the store; and they walk by; I now say hi and reach out my hand and shake their hands; I don't need to pull away from them in complete fear. Does this mean their on my side? no! Their only on my side according to their mentality and nothing more. Meaning, they are not really the people I want to associate with; they still make me nervous; but these are people Im practicing on. I humble myself to get the practice and not be alone; cant say it any better; is it working; yes; it is working; Im getting stronger.
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When I was very young; I was fooled into believing I was safe or had a safe shot at my life; I was wrong. But I did not know I was wrong; I had no idea; I thought it was safe enough to survive and thrive; but I was fooled; because the filth I was with destroyed children; they were never safe and allowed me to be destroyed; their was no one looking after me. They allowed me to think I was safe; in reality; I was completely neglected but did not know it; in fact; in some cases; I thought I was free; and is this not a normal condition of the used when to young to understand; I felt privileged; In reality; I was simply being thrown away. ITs all very horrible and sad; its beyond sad; a place of horror is beyond sad; like what happens to children; what really happened to them in a time of war; where all things are destroyed from their little life; including their lives; snuffed out; blown into pieces.
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Unfortunately, I learned a horrible horrible lesson; because I was a throw away; I reached out to the wrong people; in this case; the rich kids down the street; but I didn't know they were rich; they had a nice house; but I didn't know what that meant. What does it mean when your with rich kids who live down the street? IT means I was never invited but didn't know; I was used; nothing more; I was allowed to hang out or around them; but they were never my friends; they were liars and con artists; but I didn't know. They knew; up scale lies and manipulators. They worshiped a God; their God was to look good to themselves and others in the community; nothing more; I was treated like a zoo animal; but no one told me. “RUN”; thats what I should have done; I had no place to go. My life was pulled out from underneath me; I was being used from every direction. These people took advantage of a small child because thats the kind of thugs they were; no better then any other kind of thug; worthless and dangerous; cowards; hiding behind Christian jargon and a slew of Christian music and Gospel recordings; it was the riches attempt at a better life; what I didn't know; I was not invited; I was never invited; but the door was open; and I went through unsuspecting of anything; what I didn't know; I was being trapped and used; exploited because of my age. I thought they liked me; but in reality; I was being used to socialize their son. Its a kind of relational aggression.
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Ill pull the words out; the phrase; “ I thought they liked me”; and their it is; pure character; the purest character of a child; “ I thought they liked me”; that is as innocent as a thing can be; pure truth; pure innocence, pure honesty; purity at its finest; the only reason a child is around someone; “ I thought they liked me” thats why I was around them; nothing more. Do you feel it; the purity of such things.
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The worthless are like Dogs, they are like a pack of wolves; a mindless sociopathic wolf pack; no human traits; but a giant human mask.
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And a child walks up to this bread of vipers and asks the wolf pack; “ do you like me” with complete innocence; the wolf packs calculates what they can get from such an innocent naive person; how they can swindle them; and get the gold from him; in this case; the gold is in the form of socializing their son for the future; after Im used Ill be discarded. But I make my point. Yes!

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They were purposely using me. I was not friends of theirs; Imagine for a monument walking into a bike shop; A snobbish bike shop on the good side of town. Your not the normal customer; they look down on you; they think their superior; and yet, their friendly, and think your an easy mark to make a sale; they tell you about specific bikes you could buy; certain brands thinking your a sucker and you’ll buy; they think they got the perfect sale; in reality; their looking down on you; see you as an easy mark to make a sale; you have no other worth to them; nothing; and they think their in control; maybe its a hot shot bike shop in the rich neighborhood; do you feel me? They don't think you fit in; your worth no more to them then an easy sale; then after the sale; they kick you out of the bike shop and throw you on your way; does that make sense? Im trying to use the bike shop as a comparison to the rich using the poor. Think of the rich buying up all the local houses and charging high rents on all the poor to make money; The rich turn everyone into the poor and buy up their land and property; The poor suffer; the rich get richer; and soon; most of the local people are poor and only a few of the people own everything. So; Im trying to use examples of what its like to be caught up by the rich.
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Back to my fake friends when young;
I innocently walked into a trap; with a smile on their face; they leave the door open; once you walk in by your own account; they’ve got you; for they are weasels co hearsing you into a human slaughter. As a young child; I walked through that door thousands of times thinking everything was fine; it was never fine; they were never my friends; and thats whats most important; thats what I didnt know; they were trying to get something; their friends with no one; they are using people; The Bible talks about the Jews making money off of people; of off borrowed money; thats what I mean; usury. thats the mentality. And I walked into a form of these type of corrupt humanoid. The point is; I was used from the start; I was not wanted; these were never my friends; They didn't care who I was; nor did the children living at the home care about me; I was never wanted by them; in fact; the boy I be friended at the time was told by his parents to use me and why I was being allowed around him; I was to socialize him by being present with him; and this is a perfect example of how the rich take advantage of everyone; its all for gain; they don't need friends; money is their friend. They take advantage of the innocent people through usury. Am I making my point with words; do you really understand the horrible tragedy of this; what this will do to a small innocent child; it will rip a small child apart; rip them to pieces. Its a form of slaughtering a child; slaughtering the innocent; its done out of hate toward the innocent; understand; nothing is about money; its about slaughtering other people; hurting the innocent; hurting children because the rich did not have the character to stay children with in themselves.
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Back to intimacy;
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I was watching porn and couldn’t get it up; I was trying to imagine all kinds of nasty things; What do I like to imagine; I imagine some hot chick I know making it with someone else; usually 2 women together; thats what turns me on; the porn I watch simply fuels my fantasies Ive already got rollin.
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IVe noticed that in my imagination PTSD takes over and brings in many different past moments of abuse; people that violated me; and Im triggered and reliving that again when Im suppose to be re living the porn Im watching to get off; so; it gets upsetting to be in that confronting situation while watching porn; my porn experience is getting devalued and violated by PTSD; PTSD is slipping into my mind ruining my porn experience. I feel split energy; like 2 different people with 2 different values; on one side I feel a nice set of lust filled fillings while Im watching 2 chicks make out with each other; nothing better then watching lesbian kissing videos where the women are all dressed up and glamorous. Suddenly, its infiltrated with PTSD; I see My fake step Grandfather molesting me. Meaning; when I attempt to feel intimacy; to go into that realm; PTSD flies in and takes advantage.
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Concerning my horrible background getting close to the wrong people; or being forced around the wrong people when young and being destroyed by it; over n over n over; its left intimacy ruined within me.
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The point is; Im dissociative in those areas; way beyond numb. And thats a problem; I hope I can confront the PTSD and work through it; Im seeing layers of PTSD; its usually not one set of past circumstances causing the problem. I have one layer on top of another layer of PTSD; and some how; I wanted it confronted that I can free up my mind to go back into a free space; this free space is for getting intimate again; so, I must work toward this as a goal; wont be easy. lots of reactive thoughts on top of other thoughts; many of them coming in to control me.
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A fear exists in my mind; “ Dont allow to much freedom thinking; it will offend the abusers taking advantage of me” This is from the child in me when I was being destroyed when young; I had no safe place to go while it was happening over n over n over. no friends; nothing; I was used from every direction.
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The point is; In side of me is fear of the torturers; I must not think; I must not have thoughts; I must not have thoughts that betray the tortures; or I will be found out and try to run or rebel; if that happens; I dont eat or have a place to live; and Ive all ready had all of my base destroyed; all of those places I lived; when young; So; the thought is; dont rock the boat; no matter what I do; I have nothing left; no one left; Im completely alone and Im a child; Im with know one; no friends; nothing. If I am going to survive; I have to be smart and go along or I will have absolutely nothing left; no food or place to live; nothing; they will take the food away; for this is what happened before; in a sense; I realized the food was being taken away; On the outside of things; the houses or relatives were taken away; but within myself; the food was being taken away; I was no longer being fed; thats what the deeper survival in me tells me; its about the food.
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When someone no longer wants to feed you and your a child; it means you are not wanted; It means I was not wanted to death; They are murdering me and dont care.. thats what it means; death and life; thats what their playing with; and when Im abandon; it means no one is feeding me anymore; its about food and the awareness of it; the awareness of a child knowing; no more food; someone does not like me; they dont want me to eat anymore; and that means they dont like me; I am no more valuable then a dog; but at least they feed their dogs; Im not a dog; Im nothing; Its more then just wanting me dead; they want to watch me die; It means Im in an in humane situation of death; even if its implied.
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exposing children to this type of horror is true brutality; psychological murder; and psychopaths dont stop a relational aggression; they will bring in other forms or allow outsiders to create other forms.
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So; my intimacy; the ability to be intimate was beat up; that space; Im now trying to get that space back; my personal space for growing and living; and attempting to get it back; take charge of it; ownership of it.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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