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intimacy 3

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am

Intimacy; its the one thing I crave and don't have... I dont have it from the community; I dont belong to anything in the community.. Im a loner.
Sex and intimacy
Sex does not bring me intimacy; IT does not being any intimacy
Sex does not bring that belonging Im looking for in the community; all it does is expose I dont have any belonging in the community and this stripes me of what possible fake status I might have dreamed up in my head. sex brings it right back to reality; what I dont have; a relationship or strong connections in the community; nothing.
If I had my needs met; if I was part of a big family; sex would be different. I would not need so much
What happens when I have sex; Im not able to be myself the first time I have sex with someone
When the person leaves in the morning; I feel horrible inside; because I feel like Im being abandon. I feel like Im being used; being used by women and being used by society; but not really; I mean; not really used by women; because their in the same boat I am; so; I feel like its one loser having sex with another. And that does not sound very masculine does it. Its one more sign that I have no relationships in the world. Im alone.
It makes me feel like I can get sex but not a girlfriend. Thats whats horrible; or horrifying! like I'm not good enough; and this proves it; I can get sex but not a girlfriend; Im not good enough to accepted into society. And part of me is happy about that but cant live with that; I mean; part of me is a small insecure child within that wants my mom and Dad.... So I can go back to my home and live my life over the way it was suppose to be led.... Where Im protected and someone wants me to be famous or happy or rich when Im older; Im protected and taken care of; loved and cherished the way Im suppose to be.
Like Im not good enough for a family...
It makes me feel like Im not good enough for society; and Im like; God; do I have to go through this again; I was already destroyed by society; taken advantage of by the people in society.
I was taken advantage of by myself.
What do I do now.
Who am I having sex with; is she crazy
Will she come back later and rob the place with her boy friends.
Is she trying to get a baby..... that really scares me!!!

She’s looking for a relationship; and Im looking for sex; she’s not the right person for a relationship; she’s not what Im looking for.
Am I willing to go after what Im looking for. I kind of know what Im looking for; An Asian women with the kind of intelligence that I relate to; the style of conversation; the kind of intellectual artistic conversation; but also, telescopes and things; astronomy. Anthropology art, music, Geology, the beach....
I know Im good enough; but can I prove it; I can if Im present and honest with myself...
Do I really believe I can have a decent women in my life.
Do I believe I can have any one in my life; NO! and theirs the problem; My intimacy levels have been ripped apart. I feel like Im of worth to no one; no one cares about me; they don't even know me.
Have I been around the right people; no; because in my mind I always see money; people with money; like; someone has moveable power; she has power to move to place to place that I don't; meaning, her money gives her freedom; a freedom I don't have.
The problem is; I don't believe; Ive seen and been through to much; and then the people I attract are the wrong people with the wrong station in life.
Its hard to talk about intimacy and admit it; but I have to if Im going to get better in this area and build my broken self esteem.
So; Im working on being honest about it.
Sex; what does it mean. its political. If I have sex and feel like Im not connected after that; its not about relationships romantically or sexually; its a feeling that Im not connected in the community; its political; I don't have anything or anyone. Im not connected. So, I care more about looking good then getting sex; Ill give up sex because it might trigger that Im not accepted in the community; so its about how I look to other people;
So; how I look to other people is more important then getting sex from a beautiful women; Dam? Thats really shallow and arrogant and on and on and on it goes. thats really ###$ up!
So; I just want to belong somewhere; to someone; to something.
The Asian situation causes confusion; I don't even have a car; where can I go. How do I get their; where am I going.
I use the laws of attraction; I do attract Asian women; they do start showing up; but I have agoraphobia; and milder forms of depression along with everything else; I don't get out enough to places that matter.
I get close to Asian women; but no closer; Im not meeting them; so its time to start writing scripts and stories as if I am meeting them; and Ill keep it up; it scares me; what Im looked at like a loser; no one wants to continue to go through that. We will see; Ill have to stand up for myself. Again?
The only places I go are with the 12 step groups Im involved with; and you don't want to date the women in those places. I would not suggest it. But its a good place to go so Im not alone.
Im stuck; trying to get unstuck. trying to come back to reality and get rid of my morbid victimization every time I have to deal with reality. I turn back into a kid with a fantasy of a big beautiful house and a family. Which I never had either. Instead I have a fake situation of liars that set me up and tried to destroy me.
Now; Im trying to come out of it and come back to life; I don't trust anyone anywhere; Im trying to work with the laws of attraction and attract what I want; and what Im finding is; I turn back into that victim again; and thats the excuse for not being present like I need to; in order to go after what I want.
I have to go after what I want. And their it is.
I have to be present to go after what I want.... And their it is; and its overwhelming for me.
As for sex; I don't know; Im mad; it doesn’t give me what I want. Sex is like eating a fake cake made of sawdust; IT taste good on the outside but nothing is good for me on the inside; meaning; no sustainable ingredients; Its like sugar; its empty; nothing in it; it tastes good; but thats all it is; A better investment would be for natural foods with natural sugar; foods that sustain life; and Id call that a relationship.
If she is not Asian; no sustainable relationship; until I get through this Asian thing; I did a soulmate search several years ago; and it went all Asian; and Im still at it.
ITs also about what I want and the other person is an object to get me what I want. Since they cant get me anything I want through sex; I don't want them; but I might want the sex. Or I respect them and want the sex more.... Im willing to respect them and use them to get sex...
IT goes both ways; the women uses me as much as Im using her; but I get this feelings she’s going to feel a lot better in the morning then I am. she can walk away; Im devastated because Im still lonely. I have a societal aloneness; a loner situation.
Im not connected to anything or anyone because of the way I view things; its not safe nor feel safe to be in the economic situations Im in.
Possibly; I have to talk more about this stuff to different people.
Women and shaming; Most women I've met either try or attempt to treat me like Im a little boy that they are coming to the rescue to put their arms around because Im inferior to women and they think they get a chance to prove it; or its shaming language; but nothing else; no other conversation; or they have a hidden agenda; and at some point; I get tired of their hidden agenda.
Biggest fear; I have no money and their doing great financially; more will be expected of me and I cant or wont give it; I want to be in a position of masculinity; where Im in charge and I have the money; but i don't. So; Im stuck out of that.
I've met so many phonies; middle class guys with good jobs and new wives; their wives are their because the guy has money; if He didn't have money; they would never have shown up or stayed; I here about their problems from meetings. from being in meetings with them. I look at their girlfriends or wives; it makes me laugh or wanna puke; Their so phony. They act like its about love; but you take away the privilege of money; and that girl would have never shown up; because thats all the marriage is based on and thats where the problem lies. And the guy has problems with the women because he is being his marriage on his money level and thats not working; she wont get in her place; and she wont get in her place because half of her is in that relationship because of the level of goods and resources she is receiving not because of the guy she is with. The guys Ive met don't need to understand this because their in an economic situation that puts them above having to care. So I listen to this phony nonsense and want to puke..
On the other hand; Im stuck; and thats my problem. I wont snap out of it and come back to reality; but I'm working on it; its getting closer. and Im getting closer to facing where I dissociate and putting a stop to it. Why? because I want my life back; and being present is the only way Im going to get the things I want from this world.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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