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intimacy 2

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm

Laws of attraction; Asian soulmate; Ive been conjuring up Asian soulmates for a long time; putting out that magic spell. Putting it out to the universe.
So; Ive had numerous Asian women show up around me; but they are either the wrong ones; or im not attracted to them; or their with a kid and Im not attached to them; or their with their white boyfriends and walking by; up close; close enough to touch; Their getting near; but thats it; However, at times; clerks show up; I show up; we talk; their Asian women; so; Im getting contact; its close but not intimate; but it goes no further; and interestingly enough; it seems that my self esteem and self worth and emotional age; or because of it; these women are acting according to my age to manifest; What is an 8 year old going to do with a grown women; she’s going to be my mother; and its the 8 year old in me that is manifesting, Im at many ages; Im like a 12 year old who needs a mom; and Im attracting a mom to me because Im somewhere between 6-8-12-13. I dont see these women as girlfriends; The adult teenager in me sees them as girlfriends; but the rest of me sees them as a mom. Im not a teenager; Im much much older now; Im an old man now; but still working at it.
Ive been stuck in the 7th grade for most of my life; Im attempting to face it and work through it; so; its also a 13 year old that is stuck and cant move; in fact; no development at that age; possibly time to re write that age period; make it out to be something glorious.
Im trying to grow again; so I want a girlfriend that will help me grow instead of believing I can have an actual soulmate at my level; I have a hard time believing that; or that Im worth that; or that Im going to get a nice person that is nice to me; thats a hard one; Im trying to face; in the past with no protection. I got allot of mean sociopaths in my face when I was a nice person; no protection; nothing. So; to expect something positive now; its very hard deal; and maybe I should write about this more; work on it; clean it up.
The above is something I wrote on my other pages; a manifestation blog page from somewhere yonder. So; many things going through my head; first; I was bullied at the age of 13; so, theirs not going to be any movement; nothing. I was in a state of panic and shock when I was in school; it was more like a detention center were young sociopaths could run free and beat up and destroy anyone they felt like; thats what junior high is; and high school when you have no one to protect you. So; I have all that to deal with.
I was basically psychologically castrated when young; competlely demoralized; nothing left; So; I feel like a loser around women; like I dont fit into any social situation. I could get to a higher level people; but I feel like a loser their as well; infact; I feel like a loser around all people; most of them because they have no depth; so; I stay away from them; but then; I dont have any money; so; its like being on the streets; its all demoralization; I feel ugly around women; like I dont match up; regardless of what women think of me; it doesn’t matter; Im always waiting for the ball to drop.
Im a little better now; The problem is experience; I have no experience at the appropriate age with women; nothing.
the last person I actually loved was at age 14 and thats it. I never wanted anyone else; why! why bother with more nonsense; the red pill was forced down my throat at that age. I woke up to what women are really like. So; its been hard.
Anyway; Im attracting Asian women as Ive imagined them; but thats all that happening; no one is close and non appear available.
Imagine your at the fair or a giant indoor event; you wonder around and realize many Asian women are walking by; not normally this amount; in fact; never do I see them; and suddenly after imagining it; they show up everywhere; the problem is; I dont know any of them; Im not in a situation to get close; its not a party.
So; Im attracting Asian women near me. But that is all. No real contact.
So; contact is the next level; friendship contact; I have said hello to a few people; and dealt with a few clerks; but thats it; as for talking to someone.
Im working on it; talking means feeling good about myself; Im trying; Im relearning; not easy; Im mad; I didnt do this to myself; Its not fair; but I have to try; keep working at it.
The goal is social confidence when talking to people; thats the main goal; I have AVPD and dissociative disorder; so this is not easy. General fear of people; its getting better as I get better.
Ill have to go general and try to conjure up in my imagination; talking to an Asian women at the coffee shop’; about personal things; and make a bunch of manifestations about this; see who shows up; And I might have to start their so I can work on believing contact will happen or is possible. We will see.
And Ive attracted Asian women at coffee shops; meaning, Im sitting at the back outside table. suddenly an Asian women shows up 2 tabes next to me; Things like that; they add up over time.
When im not manifesting Asian women; their are no Asian women around me. When I do manifest Asian women; they show up. Now; it has to get more real. I have to become more real; and if Im not the person I always wanted to be; I have to accept myself as I am.
The problem has been; Ive not met any Asian women; I mean; I havent been at a party or social event I was ask to be a part of and met people; I have to meet people next; some how stand up for myself as I am; be myself when I meet them.
So; being myself; and I have people that are going to help me with that; they dont quit understand me; but enough to help me.... And its embarrassing; I have no confidence around women; and for good reason; I dont want to get rooked by anyone. No one can be trusted anymore; so its all hard.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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