As I wake up, I wake up to the person I was at 11. I was put down psychologically until freezing; horrible amounts of put downs. I was around all negative hatred day after day after day until nothing remained of me!
As I wake up, I wake up to this position of low or no self worth. However, Im starting to move again, there is movement! I am now practicing around people. The biggest goal is ( just saying Hi!).
Just saying HI:
Its all rapped up in just saying hi to people and the way it is approached and felt by others; how genuine it is! this means control in interaction! Control within the 2 or 3 foot perimeter of others and self.
I am practicing and getting better. Because Of AVPD I care how people respond to me! they can scare me away by an altered look. However, Im working on this through practice and learning to hold my own while close up!
I have all the practice subjects I need. The first phase is saying hello,
saying hello and meaning it means; I show seniority, I am present with gladness and no negative baggage thrown at them! no judgement! and Im not worried about what they think of me! Thats the goal. the idea is to get rid of dissociative self consciousness; that I might be hurt if I get to close. IT is an art form to teach a dissociative to walk up to someone without feeling fear! However, it can be done if I proceed fast enough with no thinking... It might be necessary to have a clay stress ball in one hand squeezing it or throwing this ball lightly back n forth!
Stopping someone to say hello!
Im finding; ask others for help. Give them the opportunity to help! My friend called me this morning, we talked, then I took a chance and asked him if he would take me to the store several miles away. He thought about it and said yes. I could have ridden my bike! I did not feel like it, Im on my bike all the time!: he took me! then we went to a meeting!
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Saying hello means Im not spotting someone from a distance and asking myself if they are friend or foe, or judging them; I walk by them with no judgment! and say hello!
Anyone I don't like I walk around!
Im learning from the hello distance! If I find someone does not like me! I finally stop saying hello! I make a decision on that person! And making decisions if the person is safe or unsafe is a very hard thing for me! This would be the next level of practice; discerning if this person likes me or does not like me!; then what! How do I find out how they really feel about me! This is for another day! Today, its about practicing hellos with no judgments..