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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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insecurity: I want to hide; High awful anxiety!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Mar 14, 2014 7:21 am

Awful anxiety; All I can do is jerk of to porn and prey. Thats all I got!

how does it happen; I usually trust the world, walking into a situation that is not safe for me spiritually. I end up hurt and disoriented; then Im in big psych trouble. What can I do! Im stuck inside self and no one to talk to.

I have no friends. They all left. the only friends I hate were anti social personality disorder types; sociopaths from the prison system.. they were great to vent stuff with. However, after a time, they wanted to be in control. They were playing me for money and goods and other stuff. Usually low level stuff. Bike parts, or coffee... After awhile it was not worth it to them anymore.

So, Im alone. I have to trust God! Im shocked when this happens. This happens, when I start heading out the doors of the meetings. Others try to trip me up! and it works. I have to get on my knees and forgive them and take this all to God that I stay safe. It really gets tough. People try to take away my support! they want me tripped up! they don't want me getting any better. They don't want to get left behind; it makes them look bad.

I am wondering why my whole of life is so completely alone! Im a very deep insecure, creative flowing personality. yet, Im valued for nothing!

I have girls that like me! but! they think Im cute or something! Why can't I stand on my own two feet! and go after what I want. What do I want? Im not sure!

Im not sure who I am or what I want! Im so alone. I am still being destroyed by people in meetings and other places. Im trying to find safe places. Its very hard. All of this is very hard.

Im shunned, no matter where I go! I would like to get better and leave and not come back! and I would like to fight back!

I have to remember God! It just that no one has ever been on my side; no one; even those I loved with all my heart. I was betrayed by all; I mean, everyone!

I am very appreciative to have this site to write blogs. How nice. ITs been very important to my recovery process.

Im not well enough or strong enough to branch out on my own yet. Symptoms are down enough to not tai flack from people! Im in a very strange place.

Im trying to get over childhood loss and trauma. I was terrorized to death! Im still alive and I don't know what to do next. I have God. I am tired of all this. Im afraid and alone, and I miss my house that I had as a boy! They took it away from me to terrorize me.

More n more its about terror! people terrorizing! that is the one form of abusive direction!

Its all about intimidation and terror. That is all anyone offers me. Either they control me or threaten abandonment! Will I ever be able to find the right people! will I ever be the right people. Will I ever be able to get back on my feet again to meet decent people and leave the 12 step rooms...

I think I will be strong enough to meet new people. Or, learn to meet new people!

I need more personal inner work. And that is OK. but Im being blocked like crazy! it seems, no one is on my side. Its all very hard.. All of this.

I have to keep bowing down and keep working at things; not give up. Im very close. very close.

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I have to remember all the dead kids! all the teenagers that have killed themselves. I talk to God about this; it was my job to prey for them! prey for them to intercede, that God know what they were like on earth. I was a witness on earth to testify that they were all good wonderful kids!

This is an authentic position within the bible! To be in the position of preying and interceding for the dead. To tell God what wonderful people they were when alive. I was anointed by God for this. This is my job! and I have to remember this! this gave me spiritual purpose.

Ive had broken kids reach out to me for help. I could not help them! I was to broken apart! I could not reach back! I remember them.

I had one girl come up to me at midnight in the middle of the quit town park. I was sitting under the open barbecue area; it has picnic tables in it! She came and just looked at me! She was probably destroyed by her parents! Neglected and thrown away! I couldn't reach out to her! I was to nervous; Dissociative disorder... She sat next to me a foot away and just stared at me for a long while!

I never want to be the cause of someone giving up and killing themselves. I want to help! I do not know how! Even if I reach out, I do not know what to say to them! I have no means of support for them.
Im always thinking of myself! never the other person. I hope to God he changes this at some point. It is very frustrating. I cannot help anyone or interact with anyone; Nothing!

Its allot of work! recovery!

Dissociative disorder does not help; although the symptoms are down! or coming down!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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