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Insecurity: I want to hide; High anxiety!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:26 am

Im getting better! with it the truth and that horrible emptiness that I feel when Im forced into the present; and nothing is in the present! Its a vast empty quit deserted waist land; I need people, lots and lots of loud people! Or at some-point when the dissociative disorder systems are down!

Nothing gives me more insecurity! then waking up from some past event; dealing with part of it! and realizing I have no life now! Im empty and alone! It sucks big time... ITs the like the confrontation of 2 lives.. the child of the past and those adjoining memories, and the adult now and those adjoining memories.

There is a sick feeling of emptiness and sadness that I cannot fix in the present! its high anxiety!

A 12 year old trying to be 12 in a 50 year old body! I have to work on the maturity level of the inside person; and that person is 9 to 12! I cant handle the pressures of a 50 year old man on his own. And allot of the pressure is the idea of how old I am suppose to be, or suppose to act. I could let go of thinking or believing that Im suppose to act a certain age or be a certain age, and just be myself. Yet, myself is pain! A broken 12 year old in a 50 year old body! but Im in great shape for 50! ya! !!

Im not a victim! Im a happening 50 year old. Im working through things because of desperation! Im on youtube looking up dating stuff of all kinds all the time!

Im lifting weights and on that mountain bike all the time..

Im drumming and Piano and singing and songwriting all the time...

Im working my recovery at 12 step groups all the time.



How am I suppose to show a women that she is getting a good deal by being with me! Im suppose to have all this stupid confidence! Im suppose to be the best me I can be! What about the PTSD problems and others stuff that has ruled my mind for 30 years; what am I suppose to say!

Im having a hard time acting like Im not desperate or have problems when Im desperate and have problems.

I used to believe I could be myself around women! Not anymore. Now I feel like I cannot be accepted as myself; Who then am I suppose to be?

I should be a house provider, and lawn mower, and gas hauler, pay check maker, and father figure and man like in the movies and? and it goes on n on! I cant be any of these things. Is it possible to attract women by being none of the above? by being myself!

Im none of these people. Hidden deep inside is the real me! when I try to come out, I get slammed down or shut tight! I cant be myself. Or I cant be the broken person that I am..

If I have problems I cant date and need to see a therapist the rest of my life? is that how it goes.

Maybe Im attracting the wrong women! I do attract beautiful women! possibly they are looking for someone to take care of them; a man with no problems.

What kind of women am I looking for! Everything can work until its time to be a provider, then it all falls through!

I will keep working through the basic stuff, until the 12 year old opens up a bit about the abuse and horror that he is hiding from; Ashamed to show the real me! lots of lost hopelessness and pain!

How can I trust anyone, when all primary persons that I loved abandon me permanently! I tried to make friends with people! I tried. The family system I came from hated me; I was an authentic human being..

I tried to have a best friend! I was not wanted! Secret prejudice from the start!

I tried to have a first love! It seemed like she had made up her mind; a mistake! knowing me was the mistake! she thought she was with someone that would become Ivy league. When she found out I had problems, she quietly disappeared and turned into a stuck up bitch towards me. She acted like her status was superior to mine, and I never saw her again! The love I had for her meant nothing to her or anyone else. Truly, I was destroyed from this. That was a long long long long long long long long time ago! I was more then broken! I came to the realization that I was not wanted on planet earth, and I wanted to go home to God! and not stay here anymore!

It seemed like I was surrounded on all sides! and all was hatred towards me, vicious costic superiority!

Many people die as I was dying.. many innocent nice people are destroyed in this society! They are buried at an early age! no one cares!

God liked me just the way I am! God had no problems with me!

I was a decent authentic person that was not liked or wanted by anyone!

There was no way to find other friends under the horrible situation I was in! I was around my enemies ( mother father brothers, locals) None of these people were anymore then strangers that wanted to be strangers.. They had no interest in me. They were not human beings.. I never understood this until it was to late!

I was a thorn in the family side! I represented the voice of retaliation against this death family system... I was a decent person dealing with arrogant snob narcissists.

I had no support, just confusion as this family system I came from started to die! No one wanted to save it! It was an example of evil on earth! pure evil!

I am used to people not liking me when I did nothing to them.

Possibly its time to define who I want to be around. Is it possible to find such people; to be accepted as I am!

I need a more humble group of people to work with~

This is what happens to kids when they are thrown away!

The people who did this to me were sociopaths, so I understand!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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