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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1095)
- October 2020
over the wall
   Mon Oct 26, 2020 6:13 am
Im wacked out...
   Fri Oct 23, 2020 10:35 pm
Ive got real friends
   Wed Oct 21, 2020 4:10 am
Working with God in dating/relationships
   Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:25 am
   Sun Oct 11, 2020 10:06 am
   Sat Oct 10, 2020 10:06 pm
Feeling worthy
   Fri Oct 09, 2020 10:06 am
adjustments when dealing with women
   Thu Oct 08, 2020 9:55 am

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over the wall

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 26, 2020 6:13 am

Just crossed the wall for the first time with women; meaning the dissociative wall; been working on this for a long time.
in June I began to ask people out on the steps from 12 step meetings; I asked out several women outside and talked with them twice. that was the first time ive done that since a teenager... I had good general conversations. that was the beginning of it... the preparation for entering the wall.
Later I talked with another women concerning problems I had talking to women and why; And that the beginning of entering the wall...
Tonight I talked with 2 quality women about what its like to have women who want to date me approach me and how I handle it; how I could not handle it and freeze up and the truth of how many women Ive done this with and how I observe them and dont date... how I freeze up when they walk by...
By talking so directly to these 2 women; I am opening up about my real problems to quality women; I had to ask them to talk with them about this stuff and if it offended them... The point is; Im talking about the stuff I would to a potential date about. So; Im practicing vulnerability I could not do before...
When wanting to date I could not go beyond the wall and I would shut down. I am not shutting down tonight while talking to these women; thus a manifestation has occurred.
Aslo; been talking to men about my adolescence development. And slowly opening up to several men about it and growing....
If I keep this up; I will be better up to speed to handle the right women when they come along.
The goal is my Asian soulmate wife.

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Im wacked out...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 23, 2020 10:35 pm

From the top... I said to a friend yesterday; my first love never liked me; was not my friend; not my best friend; not my soulmate, and did not love me. However, This morning after waking up; I remember now; she tried to go out with me over n over n over 100 times; I would not respond to here; I stayed in the 8 year old mold. However, a month later at a party; I made out with this other chick. I was 14 year old... for 1-1/2 years I could not go out with this girl I loved. But I could date other women and fool around with them. I then blamed this girl I loved for not being compassionate to my problems; but never discussed anything with her. I was mad that she wrote me off.. she saw me as a weakling; I was not a weakling. later; many years later she said I meant nothing to her. But in reality; she tried to get me to go out with her 100 times; this does not sound like someone I meant nothing to.... I forgot how hard she wanted to date me... she must have really liked me.... I think so.....
A women in my meetings 10 years ago or more; she tried to get my attention so I would ask her out. God sent her( did God send her?)... I couldn't do it. So, she ended up getting attention from other guys. Finally another guy liked her and moved in on her... This women came up to me when I was standing up and jumped me; physically jumped me. She was trying to wake me up so I would date her; she didnt want anyone else; she wanted me but I wouldn't budge... later with her new boyfriend; she come down in the back of the meeting place and screamed at me for not responding to her. I didnt like her behavior... that's why I didnt date her... thats what I told myself. But I thought I liked her when I met her; why didnt I just go out with her... I couldn't; a wall existed... A dissociative wall. But I didnt want to; I didnt like her behavior; she wasn't a nice girl... she was all over every guy.... thats not what I want...
A women in a new meeting I was attending last here. She liked me; she came up to me and said hi; in a courtship kind of way. I did not respond. She tired for 2 weeks; I did not respond. Another 4 months goes by; she keep trying to get my attention; id not respond. finally after another 2 months; she tries to say hi for the last time and gives up and then started dating other guys finally ending up with a guy of her favor; of course Im mad about it... but I forget... she tried to date me for 4 months and I refused in every direction. But something was horrible about this; they used this against me targeting me in the rooms; these were not nice people.. and her behavior was bad; checking out other guys the whole time; if new guys came in.... Things that turned me off; this is not the kind of women I wanted.
I claimed these women did me in; but in reality; I was in the courtship process to date someone; did I forget.. I turned into a 5 year old with personality disorder.. I truly have defensive personality disorder when dealing with women I like. I cant get past the courting process. thats not true; I dated a women who looked just like the average normal women; and I asked her out and showed up; walked her Dog... and we started dating; it was fake; she was a sociopath; but I did date her....
So; I can date people that mean nothing to me.. But women that have a real interest in me; more quality women; nope; no go their... cant date them; l cant open up and be my authentic self; I go into freeze mode and stay in freeze mode. These were not nice girls; thats the problem....
Im totally messed up and possibly did not see how any women would want anything dealing with me. I could not respond to these people. maybe I need to leave these meetings and go out with normal people.
Also; if she doesn't look like a normal girl; Im not going out with her. ive had allot of women in the meetings like me but I would not go out with them even...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 191 times

Ive got real friends

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 21, 2020 4:10 am

Ive got real friends if I need them; mentors on both sides of the tracks; and friends at the same level as I am; going through the same changes...
Doesn't matter if its about
getting my first real girlfriend worth fighting to keep
sexual dysfunctions
intimate dysfunctions
learning how to have something I've never had before; a relationship with a women
asking for help
telling someone my secrets; telling them about my apprehension toward women because of past abuse... Im scared of them; scared of being ripped to pieces as I when I was a child...
scared to tell someone I can't literally stand up to women because if I did; this would be the same results as standing up to an abuser; they have all the power to throw me away; I cant win; I would be thrown away for good... In the end; I was thrown away anyway by the abusers; And they supplied the life line to my very existence when young; so I would do anything and say anything to be on their side and not thrown away; including selling myself out; meaning; my mind personality and later; body... anything; but actually I was scared to death and submitted because I was in a state of dissociated fear.... I was no longer present.... I had no place to hide; no place to run...
Women sold me to the abusers in a real sense; they were in charge and they murdered my body and my mind... I was just a child.... pure evil.....
So; Ive never had a girlfriend before. So; today; I have friends; mens groups or homes I go to and we talk over the fire pit in the back yard.... We talk about arrested development and years of purposely finding women we did not care about and getting phone numbers for no really purpose or meaning... For their was no relationships with women who we did not like after calling their numbers and playing the game; but they were good looking; trophy; just like bagging a Rhino in the African wild pure emptiness. However, I was not a sadist. I was just empty; and had no clue what was wrong; a hardened heart... later my heart had to bleed from the inside out; be squeezed of its poison and thus Jesus Christ could center in on me and break that heart and put an error through me to the ground below and make me cry for the love shown to someone else...
Ive never gone after a girl before; only once but I destroyed that.
Ive never gone after anyone; I pulled back; got hardened and never left my layer.
Ive had women come to me; but it was always empty; because those were not the women the child in me really liked....
The goal is a best friend heart; her heart best-friend heart toward me; my heart; best-friend heart toward her connected by the universe and the universe connected to its heart and both our hearts; that's what Im looking for.
Things are changing; Im slowly coming up to speed; never done it before with only friends and God and myself and some 12 step groups... No past; no past family; nothing... all on my own and it's working...
However, I do have the limited support of brothers... I never thought I would allow them back into my life; but Im not God and God has seen other plans....
At some point Ill be up and running and present again. Im already up to speed almost. I still have to face that very harder gap between where Im at and truly being in front of the train and heading down my own tracks.
I have social uncomfortableness to face...
Im needing to be out of the recovery process for awhile; just me and society and learn to imagine what I want and feel it and let it appear in front of me. Find the best places to be and be their.... And meet who I am suppose to meet....
I'm on zoom recovery meetings in the morning and 1 real in person meeting a week for recovery.
Its not just women; its activities and talents and calling and hobbies... and becoming social and liking myself....
So; Ive got friends and a new life brooding....
I don't feel so good about myself... I have no experiences that would make...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 196 times

Working with God in dating/relationships

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:25 am

Having sex with women is not possible; because Im completely dissociative... But things are shaking up in my world and this may be changing; its all about protection; how my nervous system wants to protect me..
I feel so immature on a date; at least I think I am; because I haven't asked anyone out in years but Ive had plenty of women hit on me; I mean; all I had to do was respond to them right then; but I could not.
Abuse in the form of silence.
Ive been abusing women; those women that want to go out with me; I abuse them by going silent on them and not talking to them; because I've been tortured in the past; and that torture was sent forth upon me by women when I was a child; sickening... its beyond sickening.... unbelievable. Wasn't all women; but several women were involved.
After sexual abuse by some of the members of the house hold I was forced to live in; I could never really interact normally around any one anymore; and no one cared about what happened to me. I was alone and with no protection from anything or anyone; I shut down. And I still shut down.
I find even visualizing sex with women; Them actually being with me; impossible; but its getting better.
Because of Dissociative disorder; In my imagination I see thing or myself at a distance; not up close; but this year this has been changing.
When I think of making love to someone; I have to feel good enough to be with someone and visualize being up close to them. Feeling good enough about myself was not possible before; I was to into being safe....
What do I think about getting naked around someone... seeing them in my imagination naked up next to me or under me.... It used to be impossible to do this; to see it; Right now; its unbelievably hard; but Im getting better and Im starting to see it. My mind is allowing it; it never used to be this way.
I have to visualize in order to see anything happen for me.... I have to see myself with someone else; I have to allow myself to feel good enough about myself to see myself with someone else up close; whether it be kissing or making out or more...
I have to visualize when thinking of someone in my bed... or being intimate with me in that bed... I have to see it first and then it's possible.
With dissociative disorder it was almost blank... seeing someone in my bed with me; no thoughts; nothing allowed... my mind completely melted down into amnesia. No way to get in; putting in new thoughts in my mind; I was not allowed.
Being immediate with women.
When a women is interested in me and wants to talk to me; comes up to me; I have to be immediate; I can't answer her in a week; I mean; that's 2 long... I have to learn and teach myself to be immediate; all problems with women have occurred because it took me months or years at times to respond to her... now; Im hoping I can do it in seconds... I get mad and clam up and go dissociative; the women in front of me has no idea what Im doing or why; no idea. and even if she did she has no idea what's wrong with me but they never ask... they wait and if I don't respond they finally give up at some point.
Many times women's behavior has stopped me from associating with them and that is why I clam up. However, many women have written me off as a weakling or so shy and immature I could not court them. The reality is; I wrote them off because of their offensive behavior... but they never seem to get it; to understand its about them and not me...
I have to feel safe; if. women is not safe; No Go!
Visualization is a key that helps me...
learning to speak immediately helps me.
learning to get intimate again; ill have to discuss it with them...
Being in bed with someone; I can see my defenses going up... This will take some work; but things are better now; Im starting to see it in my mind; that is good its not completely blocked...
I have to ask them out... When we're talking...

[ Continued ]

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Oct 11, 2020 10:06 am

Something is being blocked; I've not had sex in years and years; and I dont care. I dont want to have sex with the wrong person. I dont want sex and then they leave and Im all alone with the only choice to have more sex. I want someone worthy of a relationship; thats my problem; and I hate having them have that power over me.
Having sex with someone I like is scary. Im scared of someone that likes me; I dont feel worthy but more; I feel they are not for real and will leave me and its all a game so I never get involved.; but someone that truly liked me would see through that and get involved anyway; but they haven't.
Im not around people that like me; healthy people; I hate that word. But Im not around normal people I guess. I dont trust anyone. Im trying to work with the universe to be around trustworthy people.
Having sex with a women I value is a hard thing. Im scared for many reasons. Im not big enough; that really scares me; image.
I think I have an image with a women and I have to keep that image up; keep it high; keep up the image... if it falls down and Im not who I thought I am; Im crushed. I hope I can let this go and learn to be myself. This will horribly hard; because if Im myself around a women and she rejects me; then what; that will murder me.
Not feeling worthy or good enough; fragile. However, I can practice around women; its hard; but I can start to do it;. I mean; I want women; so I might as well hang out with women and get to know them and practice around them; meet them and do things with them and be friends with them. So; by writing Im at least getting somewhere; but ive done all that. So; Im not sure socially what to do. I hate more then anything else; hanging out with the wrong people. And I dont have allot of money.
Image seems to be a big deal. Im trying to keep this image instead of just be myself. But I dont feel safe around anyone. And I dont know anyone and I dont know where to go and never have. Im a decent person but that has not helped me in this society.
Ill work with God on all this stuff. Im looking for answers.
As for sex. I guess I hate the idea of having sex with someone and they leave and I still have no intimacy in my life or intimate relationships. I feel like ive gotten as Far as a tv screen and thats it.
I have met women;' but they are sociopaths; The key is to meet women in places where they are not sociopaths. Ive met hot women; but their married; which of course does me no good. I mean; they know other women.
Ok; Lets go with that scenario; I know women who know other women; me getting hooked up with someones friend. Am I ready for this. No; I hate it and I'm scared to death because I hate having to be thrown out their into nothing with a stranger.... But I may have to go through allot of this stuff to find my wife; so; Ill pray about it and start visualizing what I have to do and all the work it entails

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