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- March 2020
accepting the end of the past; a brother
   Tue Mar 24, 2020 4:41 pm
movement in spirituality
   Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:00 pm

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accepting the end of the past; a brother

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 24, 2020 4:41 pm

I have one brother from my past Im working through denial concerning. He ran me over emotionally when young; he is a criminal sociopath. So; I was manipulated and used as supply to be taken advantage of. and it worked; I was used as supply; I took a subordinate position because I had no one else after being thrown away as a child. I was completely alone and in traumatic shock at which I will stay and get worse with time until Im completely dissociative and not present anymore.
I did not know what a criminal was; and did not know he was a sociopath and been one long before I discovered it. And I was being used the whole time. I did not know; I should have been scared and alert and on guard but did not understand. I did not understand the red flags and he was my only brother left. The only family member I could be close with as a family; I clung on to him.
When I look back I see a brother; in reality; after he turned into a sociopath; their was no brother; their may never have ever been a brother; but instead a stranger playing a covert narcissistic roll. I had no idea who this was. Or I was in a state of confusion and denial about what was really going on and in all innocence continued to see him as a brother...
Im having a hard time letting him go; Im grieving as if he is my older brother; but in reality; this is my view from television; I wanted him to play the role I saw on television show; and thats how I choose to see him and could never let go of this dream; if I had to let go of this dream I was broken hearted and broken hearted again. I wanted control so I could survive.
So; my mother died; a psychopath; I was left nothing in the will; However, other things were left to me from another relative... My brother the criminal scooped it up; pushed it under the rug and theirs no proof of it or mention of it... I lost what was left to me from another relative; Id have to go to court to get it. My mother tried to get these things from me while still alive out of hatred; She was also a criminal.... same level.
The point is; this brother is a sadistic sociopathic criminal and nothing more; their is no brother here; this is a criminal that is covert and stealing from other including me; or swindle others out of their stuff; and its worked. I feel so insecure when I say it and see it and feel it; the feelings of insecurity and being alone hit me and scare me to death.
The problem is; I have to stop looking at this person as a human being and a brother; and that is hard; really really really hard because Id have to stop looking at him as a part of my life as a child. All of it has to be changed.
Im getting stronger and Im more willing to see this for what it really is; but is shakes up my whole childhood experience it; it destroyed how I viewed everything as a child.  This breaks my view of childhood. And that is to hard for me right now. However, Im getting stronger and its just a matter of time before I can see clearly and need to be concerned clearly; this is not a friend of mine and is no family member with me... no connection; I guess Im mad that he pulled the rope out first; disentangled himself and cut the ties with me; did it long before I knew what happened.
So; Im trying to work through the grieving and heart break of all this; working through the grieving process. Im stuck in it; So; instead of flight or fight; Im heading out to the community and getting help for it; Im not staying in isolation and brewing on it until I go crazy. And this is something I never did when dealing with trauma in situations like this; I just held it all in and walked around as a victim of criminals....
The way he talks to me is of someone that is owed something; like he's entitled because the world did him in so I owe him because I represent society that he never got to be apart of; Im not a person; Im just another number of society he has the right to destroy because ...

[ Continued ]

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movement in spirituality

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:00 pm

Things can change for me if I want them to. Im not suggesting it's easy to face; I have so many flashbacks and negative thoughts attack me. However, I have a good voice; a voice that is reassuring. the problem is the other part of me that gets scared; and Im hoping to work through that with meditation.
The point is; with CPTSD; Im starting to understand whats happening; and the voice has been changed; but the visualizes have not been changed. I need new thoughts and to believe them; thoughts of hope and to believe them. I think this is possible.
I have learned-helplessness and I see thoughts of my childhood and expectations and hope and all is destroyed and I dint want to see that anymore; I want new thoughts to go with my new voice. I am working on it; giving it a chance; I can see possibilities; Im not sure what to work on through this. But Ill try some things. I want to feel safe and free and be myself in the outside world; I can kind of see it now as Im writing. It has to do with how I feel about myself and being inline with myself.
I want to put out more work concerning CPTSD; getting better; getting over the deeper self hate and hopelessness and I think I can pull this off; my mind is weak tho; so I must train it. I want the future to look bright....
Im no longer interested in what narcissists were planning against me; to destroy my life; which they were doing all my life; I want them written off and I getting on with my life the way it was. suppose to be. Thats what Im working on and looking for....

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Being a fake

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 27, 2020 5:35 pm

Everything about my life is a fake; the first thing that comes to mind is the house I lived at as a child and being pulled away from it; that is when I became a fake; I had all things pulled out; not just the house; all things pertaining to a family and a future with a family; and a future in school and friends and marriage and college and achievements and experiences in a middle class world. All things were pulled out; and many more than what Im describing.
So; how do I get back there; Im working on that. in the mean time Im a fake to the world. All things have to be made up as if I came from something; anything.
I have to fake all of it; act the part to survive. For example; I learned no math in school and no English... I learned nothing; nothing at all. In the first grade I was thrown away the first day.... It was already over with. Trauma was already developed.. .
I learned no more then a first or second grader in my entirety of schooling; no schooling; I was just their...
I refused to be apart of any of it. The place disgusted me. I was pulled away from my life and thrown away. no way out... no one cared; I was then completely ignored and forgotten by all as if I had never been or never been born and it will remain that day onto this day.... As if I never existed.
I act as if I was in sports; so I can appear to be like a jock; this showing Im strong and developed; but I was never strong or developed. I was never in sports; It was stolen from me. Ill have to act like myself and stop acting like I was in sports or taking credit for it.... Im trying to act like Im tuff; but I was never involved in anything. So their is no tuffness coming from sports... I wanted to talk like I did; but why? I being me was 2 fragile and small and could not survive taking care of myself; I was not enough and had no home and no place to go or hide; nothing. I was thrown away. +
I never played sports; I wanted to and planned on it when I grew up; but I never did. I never played any sports in school. But I wanted to walk around like I did; like I was tuff.... But I wasn't; I mean; to play sports you have to work at things... it's not free. But without that false identity; I was nothing and had nothing to put in its place.
My whole life has all Been like sports; it's all been fake. I never did anything ever; nothing; I was stripped of my life. now Im trying to get it back. But I cant get something back I never had. So; Im trying to accept myself without any of the things I always wanted to have and that fact I was stripped of a life and put into situations where I was sexually abused and physically at times and thrown away completely to the point of being forgotten completely.
So; who am I. Im a person at this point when a child; just before developing any dreams and then I was destroyed. So; I have to become this child again who is real but without any defenses to protect the lies I've created about myself to survive in unserviceable survivable situations. Im trying to act like the guy that beat up all 12 of the bad guys and now is getting my own banquette and a reward for it; a pat on the back and a trophy....
I have to let it go and try another way; a way that works. I gave up on the spontaneous artist thing. I never even attempted it. I attempted nothing. I was able to maintain being myself; I would switch personalities.
Im working to pull out of myself when I start lying about myself or think I have to be in freeze mode around others and then lie to get out of it.
Ive got no friends. Im alone. I know people. But Im not in this town for any other reason then to survive and try to get better; no other reason.
I know God is trying to create ego reduction within me. I suppose it will work; I have to feel protected and loved; that would be nice; and I have to see new pictures in my head of my original house; get that back into my mind; my original childhood......

[ Continued ]

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talking to women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 15, 2020 5:23 am

Talking to women; I don't know where this starts; but I have an idea.
So; am I willing to unravel women; my entanglement with them my whole life; I don't know. Ive been through some brutal rejection; so its hard; all of it. but its not that hard. will I attract who I want to associate with. who do I want to associate with... if Im sincere; she would show up. we will see; and I cant look or think about her. I have to be doing something I enjoy and she will find herself beside me. ..

I've got an ego and Im not up to speed; Im seeing myself thrown away at age 10 and that is the great pain; and I deflect women because of this poverty... So; I'm dissociated from self at that point.
Im ashamed of my economic situation altho its not my fault. Im trying to blame myself for having PTSD CPTSD. If only I had dodged instead of weaved. Or jumped or stayed away a little sooner; everything would have worked out; if Only I had been less self centered I could have gotten help on my own. but I could not because I didn't even know the name of the problems I had. and Im surrounded by lies concerning all this. false hope and pretensions.
I have to be more frontal; meaning; in front of self; not sidelined as if my personality was cut off. That is the problem.
Im not around the right women?
I have to become the right guy.
Ego; Something is wrong; it could be the self image I created for myself when young; an upper middle class self image like the friend I had down the street; but it was never me. I wanted part of it to be me. The nice kid from the middle class neighborhood; that was the idea. but it never panned out. Who am I really; what was I suppose to do with my life really. who am I... .
Im someone else entirely. Im trying to wake up. It's not easy; considering the people Im around.
As for women; I need much counseling for the rest of my life. It has to do with connection and connection with the right people; and talking to them and getting to know them and opening up to them.... meaning people; in this case; women people; Id say girl; but living in this communistic society anymore; no more free speech... anything will be used again me that I say.
So; when it comes to women; it's about being present and at the right frequency to talk to them. I haven't been ready for such things or with the right person for such things. And I can feel the pain as I talk about it here. I can feel this gap. This murky gap. IT has to heal and be closed and thats what Im attempting to work on; the problem is; Im dissociated in that area; I go blank; it feels like my personality has been cut off at this level. So; what then do I do. And that is what Im attempting to face; I cant face the reality; thats the problem.
right now; I play low.... I let things slide as I learn what I have to learn until I learn it and get stronger.
As for women; I don't know! Who am I attracting; thats what I have to work on.
It's simple tho; if I was attracting the right women; or I believed I could have the right women; and I was attracting them; I would be dating them. So; I don't want the right women: I want to fight..
I feel like Im in the recovery process and haven't stepped outside yet too a new group of people; and I feel Ill be shot down; lack of funds...
So; I have to keep working through this thing . Another area is me getting it together and working toward my life and feeling good inside; is that possible; maybe. Im working on it; could I self actualize this; maybe; I felt it today.
Something is stopping me concerning women; Ive been around the wrong ones... and the wrong people; I get up and walk away from them; some of them and they act like they have no idea what they didl. Thus; I don't care if I ever talk to any of them again; those people I was associating with.
I dissociate bad when it comes to women; the time period.... junior high;...

[ Continued ]

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fake friends and no girlfriend

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Feb 10, 2020 11:07 pm

I had no real friends when young; only a few guys that lived up the street to the left; south side.
I did not know that I had no fiends. I thought the people on the north side were my friends; I was wrong; they never liked me and most did not know me more then 2nd grade and I went to their houses; they never went to mine and I never knew; thats what hurts so much; it destroyed my plans. I never knew I was not wanted or liked.
I had one friend who lived up the street; but he was not my friend. He did not come to me to be friends; I went to him; he went along with it. It was fake. It is hard to deal with when I realized I meant nothing to him; He was not my friend; he was no friend; it was all fake; all of it. all of it; all of it. all of it. Fake... I thought of him as closer then a brother and his family; and thats where the problem lies; I do this with everyone. And in reality; non of these people are my friends; They are perfect strangers and I mean nothing to them and they see nothing in me and no value; thats why this is a problem.
I hate that another person faked me out; I hate it. The whole world faked me out; no one cared about me or cared what happened to me; I had no friends. I had no one.
This friend that lived up the street; the fake friend; the problem was; his house was solid and is family system solid; he did not need to be deep friends with me or have me as a best friend; what I didn't realize was; he thought of me as trash but smiled to my face the whole time; even as little children. It was all fake; all of it.
Im trying to get over the fact their were no friends; I was in a state of dilution about all things; and all people; the only reality I had was Television shows; that was my only way out.
I had no parents; it was a lie; that was a lie.
I had no first girlfriend. A. girl lived up the street. I needed her. So; I went to her after meeting her; I never said she was the right girl for me. I made her into the right girl; but in reality; she said I meant nothing to her. How can this be. How can this be my soulmate; Impossible..... This can't be my soulmate; nor can this be my best friend at the time or a girlfriend or any friend. She was not my friend. Something else is wrong here. she was a sociopath; that is closer to the truth and I fell into it. And that is truly hard to admit; because I thought someone wanted me for me. But in reality; no one did. I was supply for awhile; supply to play with.
no one wanted me... ever; never has; no!
Getting over the girl from the past is hard because I loved her; but its not real love because no one really existed to love. I made her into someone to love; but it wasn't real. Thats the problem. She showed signs of pathology; Thus; no one their to love. But I had convinced myself that God had brought my soulmate to me. I remember the feelings and everything; and I was wrong? Then what is right? nothing seems right no matter what direction I go.
I have a history of making all the people around me into people that love me or are my friends when no one did or does or cares... nothing. I was always in a dissociative state. and I would like to admit it and get on with my real life.
I keep trying to make myself out to be someone Im not. I hate it; I can't live up to it because I did not come from anything. Im so very confused...
I tried to reach out to people; many people with no avail; nothing worked. no one liked me; I was being used or I was a stranger....... And that is the truth that is so hard for me to deal with.
The girl I loved when young; How can I love someone who said I meant nothing to them and showed signs of pathology at some point; impossible; who ever I loved did not exist;' nor was my interpretation of who they were. IT was all wrong; I was being used and fooled. I was around the wrong people. all of them.
The 2 biggest ...

[ Continued ]

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