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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1031
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Archives
- June 2019
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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re changing the present

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm

Im in change; this is how I see it; Im no different then a 4-5 year old in nursery school who is just waking up to life and making plans for the future.
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Today, Im like a beat down 4 year old; but Im starting to know who I am; “Im” a beat down 4 year old; thats my opinion; not someone else's; its mine; meaning; Im not involving someone else or allowing my focus on someone else of what they might think; don't need it; Im standing on my own to decide who I am and whats wrong; When I suggest “ someone else” Im talking about abusers from the past; nothing more.
So; the point is; Im at this point of looking at giving the world another chance for me to be in it; Im scared and overwhelmed; for I have about as much as a 4 year old monetarily; Im not much older then 4 when it comes to taking care of my life. I don't know how to make money; Im working with the universe; unfortunately; my schooling was destroyed young; I never got started in it; I was dissociated the whole time because of my home circumstance.
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So; here I am with a nervous system full of misery and pain. But its not all about that; but it is; Im not miserable, Im miserable because Im not doing anything with my life; thats whats causing misery.
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When I think about doing something with my life; my mind goes back to the past where a house existed and a yard and I hide their; or want to be their and relive my life; hide their; where Im safe. I was safe because I was neglected and my father would not allow my mother to touch me because I was his property; one sociopath dominating the psychopath; in the end; I was left alone “ for a few years” or I thought that; In reality; I was being groomed to be destroyed; but didnt know it. So; Ive had a hard time being in the present; because theirs no money here now; theirs no boat or car or anything; I live like a loser in loser vill and I don't like it; I liked the middle class life; it felt safe being protected by money; I felt privileged relative to where Im at now; I could do anything I wanted; and someone else took care of me; I was thrown away to young and never learned how to take care of me; and I ended up on the skids in the broken part of town.
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I suppose what Im saying it; from the ages of 4 to eight; “ childhood” I was taken care of; what do I mean; I mean; I feel the same way allot of adults feel; “ I wish I could live in childhood again; someone else was paying the bills and bought the house; all I had to do was go to the second grade; come home and play nerf football with the neighbor kids”. And that went on for a few years; but only a few years. And their were problems; I was being exploited and didnt know it, in many ways and used, and didnt know it. and set up to take a fall and didnt know it.
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So, as a broken down person; where do I go from here. A person with no confidence in the present; where do I go from here..? thats what Im working on.
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One area I'm realizing now; I was brainwashed and broken; no self esteem left; no self respect left; well, Actually, Ive always had self respect; but no connection to society; it was taken from me; now its my responsibly to get it back. And I believe I can get it back.
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I know who I am; does that help; Im a bullied beat down destroyed person; severely abused of specific natures; terrified and traumatized to the point of disability. I saw to much over n over n over; and was forced into to bad things against my ethics and safety; and self preservation; over n over n over n over n over n over over over m over..... And I was to young and innocent to know to protect myself or hide; I knew nothing was wrong or happening to me while it was happening to me; but it was happening all around me and to me, but I did not know I was being murdered; I was 2 young to know until it started catching up with me later; and things got worse; I was thrown away at birth; I was a foster child at birth; regardless of who I...

[ Continued ]

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Working out of it; the struggle continues

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm

It will be a struggle until I can move my focus to what I want to do with my life instead of where I cam from or the abuse associated with it.
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You will know the difference when I can make directive decisions for myself leading into creative new directions for my life.
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Im working with stories of a new life; and Im going to write them the way I always wanted my life to be.
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This is not easy; none of it; the key to writing is; to understand the blocks will show up first in the writing before they show up in reality; it will show up when Im writing. the pain is handled and worked through while writing because it shows up; I can recognize the pain; and work on through writing; there goal is to keep writing about what I want until no blocks show up as Im writing.
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The struggle continues; when will I know the struggle is on its way; new friends; possible live show of my stuff; having some of my music written and played by a quartet; that would be a start; acting school; that would be a start; to be in acting school; I would have to learn how to memorize; I would have to learn how to practice this.
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Ive always been worried about my lines if I was an actor; Im not sure why I didn't become an expert at memorization; why did I give up; because I don't want to be in those situations that someone comes down on me trying to control me and putting me on the spot. I want no part of it. Id be put on the spot if I was an actor; but if I want to be an actor; Id have to dedicated to it; and dedicated to things that don't bring in money; bothers me; so; I never did anything and I never brought in any money; I refused.
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So. the fact is; I have never done anything that would bring in money; I never learned and I gave up on trying to be the real me with my talents in the world; I gave up; not money no direction; and don't know what to do about it. .
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I tried suicide; that did not work; Im crazy enough to kill myself; been mentally ill enough to kill myself; but never wanted to kill myself; I wanted to get off this planet; I wanted to die to get out of here; its not working for me on this planet; but I never actually wanted to die; and thats the difference between me and the people that are all ready gone.
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It doesn’t do any good for me to be in a job I hate; Im just a slave; and I wont perform; at some point; I refuse and stop.
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Ive never really been myself anywhere; Ive never really created an environment to be myself. I don't know how; nor had the faith to believe; if someone said I had to pay 5000 bucks a month for a lot downtown; to rent to be myself; thats nice; wheres the 5 Grand a month come from; and their it is; Id have to work with God to get the plans from the universe for the 5 grand a month. Ive never had any will for anything; I just didn't care; not after what Ive been through by the people in this society; after being murdered in this society; hated for no reason; prejudice, un appreciated at every level; completely looked over by society as if I was stupid and un talented; ridiculous. And Im suppose to go back out into this society and do what? And thats what Im trying to figure out; what am I suppose to do; who am I really; what am I suppose to do; what will I be so interested in that I would rent a shop down town for 5 grand a month; rent a space and do something; I don't know. So, I have to find out; thats my next challenge.
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meeting women as the real me is also my challenge; meeting nice women; not these worthless SJW feminist nonsense with their sexual market value nonsense.
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What do I want to do with my life? I know I like art; do I want to do this professionally; what about a writer; or at least; how do I take this to the next level; how do I get into it; wears my support for such things; people support; groups I can go to for support. I feel like; if I take it to the next level; I get fired, I get used, Im get treated worthless and I...

[ Continued ]

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A new segment of life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am

Im getting close; or closer; its working; the whole of the goal from many years ago; its kind of paying off a bit; Im in the right direction; many things are showing up; Im still a train wreck from the break downs; and as usual; the general normee-world does not understand at all; thats OK; Im surviving; Im slowly getting used to people again and interactions; its hard with CPTSD; its real real hard; scary; my nervous system does not want to go through what it went through in the past; it will protect me from damage; especially the war level damage that occurred from before; the stripping of my young life; torture; its that simple.
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My nervous system will not allow others to take my life as before.
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However, my not hiding in my room; Im out and about making things happen for me or making preparations happen for me to be around others in new social situations and its showing up around me.
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I write allot of stories about my new life; the one I claim in my writing is all ready here; and I thank the universe for that all the time. And Ill keep it up n up n up; until it shows up in front of me; the key is to believe. And to believe I must write stories; its called scripting; and I do allot of it; and visualization. more scripting these days.
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The key is to keep at it.
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The key is to keep going and going and going; more meditation, visualization and writing stories about my future as if I all ready have it; and keep it up; the idea is; write new stories about my life that dominate over the old ones; and their it is.
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My thoughts are thinking me; Im attempting to get my mind back in control where Im thinking my thoughts.
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Im still disturbed; but Im getting stronger in other areas; the areas where I had break downs are still affected; especially from CPTSD>
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More work ahead; Hm?.... Its like?...... Im digging trenches around an over flooding lake in order to keep the water in; create a wall around the lake; I know what to do; However, someone has to go out and do the digging. And its a tremendous around of work; digging those trenches is like writing those new stories of my life; thousands have to be made and created; maybe many more; it takes what it takes; might take 10,000 until Im finally pushed to move on it; change; it takes what it takes; sacrifices have to be made if I want change; I know what to do; just like the worker knows what to do when the water over flows; get out the shovel and start working.

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dealing with life from zero to 18

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm

Im attempting to learn how to deal with life from 0-18.
I was accosted and used and exploited nad thrown away from 0-18, and Im trying to figure out now; as an adult; what escape routs I could have taken to get out of those situations; when I was 8 or 9 to 13; no escape; I was thrown away in the 5th grade; sold down the river in the 6th grade; and ended up living; or having to live with a relative; but they were no relatives; they were monsters and I was no better then a foster kid; and so I want to know how to work through the terror and find an escape rout out of their. some place safe; ending up some place safe; that I dont have to deal with stark reality or violence to survive at such a young age from being un taken care of and thrown away.
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Most of my life was thrown away; and I was in shock the first time it happened; and I never got over it; and life was brutal and I went into a mental cocoon I never came out of; I had no place and no one to talk to; nothing; no one cared about me; it was all fake; some people tried to act like it; but they didnt care; and never would again; I was just being used by people as a fool; and I would like to get these feelings out and come back to sanity and move on with my life; taking care of it; feeling that I took care of it; finding ways to take care of back then; finding escape routs back then; reframing the situations; showing I escaped and ended up some place safe; got my bearings about me; went back to school protected from bullies; did solid in school; got a job or hobbies or stuff for a career; and took off from their; possibly a real foster home with nice people to live with; or A Grandfather on my fathers side; I never tried to interact with them for help. Something; anything; Im looking at it right now and freaking out as I dont know where to hide where to go; who to talk to for help; Im stuck at those ages with no way out.
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I would like a career now and Im finding that until I fix the anxiety of 0-18 and figure out how to be solid from those years; I cant move on to college years; Im much older then college age; but Im trying to make it through those years from 0-18 and move onward; I can feel it; thats what needs to be done; answers to those time periods of loss where Im thrown away and isolated and I dont know what to do; and I dont know what to do right now to feel that I transferred to new safe places and got my life together. Im looking for reframing answers to a new outlook of my old life; all of it.

0 Comments Viewed 119 times

Connecting to things in the real world

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am

My goal is to connect to knew things in the real world.
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Ive lived in a dissociative protective shell or state or cocoon; of course its like being in a coffin; so life will be short for many; who can take the torture of such things; However, Im working myself out of it; or have been for a while now.
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My goal is to imagine myself connecting to the right people and places and things in the outer world; what do I want.
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Problems;
of course; what do I want; I want to go back home where I had friends and a life and start over from their; in a protected environment; The problem; by taking an inventory of my past; it is revealed; I had no safe life or any friends; they were fair weather friends associated with the neighborhood I lived in; if I know longer live in that neighborhood; they are no longer my friends; and come to find out; their never were; but I didn't need to know that at the time; it didn't matter; I was 2 young to care; now I know better. but I could not have known better then.
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I was never in protected environments; and I know that now; and realize that now; building dreams in the beginning of my life was a mistake; I needed to get out of the environment I was in but didn't know it; I was 2 young to know.
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Now I know better; so Im on a path to learn how to reconnect to the world around me. In many cases of the past; this was impossible; I had been pulled out of all safety areas into bad areas and was in a state of shock with nowhere to go and no connections; nothing; lost and alone. No one cared what happened to me; no one cared about my life; it was all a came played by sociopaths and sick people who liked to abuse children and destroy others lives; sadistic.
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So; the work is; Im to use my imagination and come up with the type of connections and life Im really interested in living; the real one aligned with my inner being; who am I, who was I suppose to be when I grew up; what was I suppose to do when I grew up; who was I suppose to hang out with; surround myself with; who? or what?

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I was in a dream world when young; I saw others around me with money and I tried to hang around them as if I came from money; little did I know; i came from nothing; if i had known this; I could have been working on a solution very young; but I did not know this; and I had no idea I was going to be destroyed and thrown away when very young; because at that point; I was stranded and damaged and could not function for myself. I did not know this was going to happen; but the psychopaths who did this; they knew all along from the beginning.
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So; I have an idea of the goal; can it be done; its about my beliefs and my ability to create faith; it can be done; its going to be hard work.
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When I have good intentions but deeper bad thoughts; I get what I attract. So; I have to hang on and keep trying.
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What do I really like or what kind of environments do I really like and what kind do I not like; thats what I have to find out.
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I have to learn to take this seriously and not dwell on he negative; but look only at the positive; and thats is the challenge and the goal; change a PTSD based mind; but it can be done.
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Something else I would say; I have to allow the humans I meet; give them a break; I doubt Im going to find the right people all at once; Ive been through this before; thinking ive found nice people; in the end; they had no interest in me or were not interested in giving me attention unless they were getting something in return; a chunk of me; and Im not for sale.
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So; I have much to learn. Im not from a middle class money based situation; this scares me; but Ill have to learn.
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I have to take chances and weed through life a bit until I believe I can find what Im looking for; I might have to go through a lot of judgment from immature spoiled people until I find what really turns me on. My right direction.

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