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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1097)
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- October 2020
The real me; starting to show signs of alignment
   Wed Oct 28, 2020 10:11 am
Stepping into the next interval of time
   Mon Oct 26, 2020 11:11 pm
over the wall
   Mon Oct 26, 2020 6:13 am
Im wacked out...
   Fri Oct 23, 2020 10:35 pm
Ive got real friends
   Wed Oct 21, 2020 4:10 am
Working with God in dating/relationships
   Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:25 am
Sex
   Sun Oct 11, 2020 10:06 am
Social-
   Sat Oct 10, 2020 10:06 pm
Feeling worthy
   Fri Oct 09, 2020 10:06 am
adjustments when dealing with women
   Thu Oct 08, 2020 9:55 am

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The real me; starting to show signs of alignment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 28, 2020 10:11 am

This is good; the real me is starting to show signs of alignment..
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Im starting to call people to go do things. Its the chance taking of calling; and of course; if they actually show up; that is great to.
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Starting to open up to quality women. A quality women is a trustworthy women; they are not free; and not so easy to talk to unless Im serious... They have been allowing me to open up to them and talk; its great. the dissociative wall; Im slowly penetrating to the other side.
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As I grow; bad people still showing up around me; but; thats normal when one is about to have a paradigm shift.
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New thoughts and stabilities are showing up. Im seeing myself around more productive poeple; within my imagination Im seeing it.
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Im seeing a picture of my wife in my imagination; I dont see her face completely but I see her work ethic and enthusiasm for work. In my imagination I see her working and speaking and being a leader and enthusiastic... I kind of collage women productive. Middle class; big family; or traditional family system kind of thing.
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Im staring to out grow the convict population of men and women at the meetings I attend. Women I was once interested in; scare me... I have a healthy fear of them; they should be locked up on one side of me much like the interior of a jail system; one side for the convicts; one side for the visitors and guards; but the 2 should never meet because the convicts are predators with no social boundaries; lawless and will destroy anything and everything they can get their hands on for supply; sociopaths.
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So; Im staring to out grow them; those in the meetings. My goal being to interact and be part of the outside world again.
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Im slowly connecting to the outside world again.
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Im working on new stories of my life with people in relationships; and its working to take me beyond my old belief systems. And Im starting to show emotions in my story because they are starting to come fourth.
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Im interested in having a loving wife; Im working toward this. Its getting stronger and stronger and more confident in nature. God is throwing at me; what I want in her I have to become. If I want her to be trustworthy; I have to be trustworthy to attract it. Heres the deal; if I want more from her character; love; kindness, understanding, caring,. adorability, a best friend heart; I have to be all these things... If I want her to say; I am your wife and I love you; I have to say; I am your husband and I love you.. And I have to be at that frequency of love. I have to be up to that frequency...
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So; Im slowly working on new stories. What will I bring to my wife. I will grab her hands all the time and pray for her right then... pray with her... I will love her from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet unconditionally and I will feel this way first before we develop.... She will be my soulmate first and my best friend. All things I want from her; I will have to have first.
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The dissociative wall. This wall has kept me from getting close to people for many years; its now starting to less'n a bit. Im able to penetrate the wall in some ways; I've been doing this with women lately. I need this ability because the women Im interested in dating; Ill have to tell them something about myself to keep them. I cant just avoid them... Ill never get anywhere that way.
Im working on all things.
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Im back going to meetings; I've been gone for about 2 months... the goal is; stay away from meetings and grow spiritually with God directly and start planning how I want to live in the real world. And I am....
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Stepping into the next interval of time

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 26, 2020 11:11 pm

I believe my lockdown in 12 step groups is over. Im slowly making friends outside the meetings and showing up at their houses or activities.
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This is hard; I was never able to see myself show up at another persons house ever again after what happened to me; the way I was treated so horribly by everyone around me and almost everyone I grew up with; I was hated; but did nothing to these people to hate me; they had no business doing anything in my life.
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Now; Im working with God...
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From the lower street people to middle class people; so it begins... Im slowly coming back to regular people who live in regular houses. and live normal lives... Ive ran out my welcome with the drugged up criminal types I had to associate with in the lockdown period of my life. I was locked down because of mental illness; I turned into a 5 year old; could not do more then ride a bike; take meds; and go to meetings.. As I got better over the last several years; my toleration for these people dropped to nothing. I had to get out. God created many scenarios that forced me out into the real world; not fun but it worked.
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Im now learning how to write up what I want to do with my life and go after it or let it come to me; I attract it.
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Im in a boring segment of this new season; Im right at the beginning of it so I have lots of work to do to see things show up in front of me that I want. Im still letting go of the past. But Im becoming more of what I was letting go of; meaning Im becoming me again and the past is not the past its just my memories of my experiences; all part of me; likes its yesterday. iTs not separated from me like before. But I need more joining experiences and work and thats what Im working on now and its scary stuff. Its very lonely work; its desolate. hard.....
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Im heading out into no mans land into a new journey. So; Ill create what I want to manifest.
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Women and manifesting relationships;
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The key to manifesting women is; they must have a conscious; no more sociopaths. The other key; I visualize and write a script of a smooth courtship and a happy ending; no surprises.
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What do I have to offer in a relationship; Lots of love; real love; a best friend heart hooked up to her best friend heart and these system hooked up to the universe.
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The universe brings her; she will be another soulmate.. However, I have to watch it; Where I meet her is most important so; Im writing up new places to meet women; good places for quality women; still have to watch it; narcissists are still able to get into the mix; they have their evil ways; one has to watch out...
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I am writing happy endings to my relationships.
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I have a deep working relationship with God and I will pray with her.. We will be praying together all the time.. So : have something to offer.
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As fare as women from the past; I have to let them go because I never dated any of them; I just hung around and observed them and then judged what I observed without the ability to be present enough to understand that I was not in a relationship with them; they were perfect strangers and that is all. And the rule was; no judging if Im not dating... So; Im not sure why its so hard to let go.
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It was pointed out to me yesterday. " Was this real or fantasy? It was complete fantasy; all of it; just my thought strung together about this women; nothing more... nothing real; I never even talked to these women; maybe once. Next time Ill go the other direction and manifest something I can actually talk to..
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If I was with the right women; I would not have to worry about all this. But who is the right women; where do I find her; that which I'm looking for... I have to attract her. And I have to attract my life. And Im not sure about all this. How to go about this; for support is hard to find; thats the biggest problem; love; a place a feel safe...
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I have to keep writing about what I...

[ Continued ]

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over the wall

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 26, 2020 6:13 am

Just crossed the wall for the first time with women; meaning the dissociative wall; been working on this for a long time.
in June I began to ask people out on the steps from 12 step meetings; I asked out several women outside and talked with them twice. that was the first time ive done that since a teenager... I had good general conversations. that was the beginning of it... the preparation for entering the wall.
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Later I talked with another women concerning problems I had talking to women and why; And that the beginning of entering the wall...
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Tonight I talked with 2 quality women about what its like to have women who want to date me approach me and how I handle it; how I could not handle it and freeze up and the truth of how many women Ive done this with and how I observe them and dont date... how I freeze up when they walk by...
By talking so directly to these 2 women; I am opening up about my real problems to quality women; I had to ask them to talk with them about this stuff and if it offended them... The point is; Im talking about the stuff I would to a potential date about. So; Im practicing vulnerability I could not do before...
When wanting to date I could not go beyond the wall and I would shut down. I am not shutting down tonight while talking to these women; thus a manifestation has occurred.
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Aslo; been talking to men about my adolescence development. And slowly opening up to several men about it and growing....
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If I keep this up; I will be better up to speed to handle the right women when they come along.
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The goal is my Asian soulmate wife.

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Im wacked out...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 23, 2020 10:35 pm

From the top... I said to a friend yesterday; my first love never liked me; was not my friend; not my best friend; not my soulmate, and did not love me. However, This morning after waking up; I remember now; she tried to go out with me over n over n over 100 times; I would not respond to here; I stayed in the 8 year old mold. However, a month later at a party; I made out with this other chick. I was 14 year old... for 1-1/2 years I could not go out with this girl I loved. But I could date other women and fool around with them. I then blamed this girl I loved for not being compassionate to my problems; but never discussed anything with her. I was mad that she wrote me off.. she saw me as a weakling; I was not a weakling. later; many years later she said I meant nothing to her. But in reality; she tried to get me to go out with her 100 times; this does not sound like someone I meant nothing to.... I forgot how hard she wanted to date me... she must have really liked me.... I think so.....
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A women in my meetings 10 years ago or more; she tried to get my attention so I would ask her out. God sent her( did God send her?)... I couldn't do it. So, she ended up getting attention from other guys. Finally another guy liked her and moved in on her... This women came up to me when I was standing up and jumped me; physically jumped me. She was trying to wake me up so I would date her; she didnt want anyone else; she wanted me but I wouldn't budge... later with her new boyfriend; she come down in the back of the meeting place and screamed at me for not responding to her. I didnt like her behavior... that's why I didnt date her... thats what I told myself. But I thought I liked her when I met her; why didnt I just go out with her... I couldn't; a wall existed... A dissociative wall. But I didnt want to; I didnt like her behavior; she wasn't a nice girl... she was all over every guy.... thats not what I want...
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A women in a new meeting I was attending last here. She liked me; she came up to me and said hi; in a courtship kind of way. I did not respond. She tired for 2 weeks; I did not respond. Another 4 months goes by; she keep trying to get my attention; id not respond. finally after another 2 months; she tries to say hi for the last time and gives up and then started dating other guys finally ending up with a guy of her favor; of course Im mad about it... but I forget... she tried to date me for 4 months and I refused in every direction. But something was horrible about this; they used this against me targeting me in the rooms; these were not nice people.. and her behavior was bad; checking out other guys the whole time; if new guys came in.... Things that turned me off; this is not the kind of women I wanted.
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I claimed these women did me in; but in reality; I was in the courtship process to date someone; did I forget.. I turned into a 5 year old with personality disorder.. I truly have defensive personality disorder when dealing with women I like. I cant get past the courting process. thats not true; I dated a women who looked just like the average normal women; and I asked her out and showed up; walked her Dog... and we started dating; it was fake; she was a sociopath; but I did date her....
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So; I can date people that mean nothing to me.. But women that have a real interest in me; more quality women; nope; no go their... cant date them; l cant open up and be my authentic self; I go into freeze mode and stay in freeze mode. These were not nice girls; thats the problem....
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Im totally messed up and possibly did not see how any women would want anything dealing with me. I could not respond to these people. maybe I need to leave these meetings and go out with normal people.
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Also; if she doesn't look like a normal girl; Im not going out with her. ive had allot of women in the meetings like me but I would not go out with them even...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 197 times

Ive got real friends

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 21, 2020 4:10 am

Ive got real friends if I need them; mentors on both sides of the tracks; and friends at the same level as I am; going through the same changes...
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Doesn't matter if its about
getting my first real girlfriend worth fighting to keep
sexual dysfunctions
intimate dysfunctions
learning how to have something I've never had before; a relationship with a women
asking for help
telling someone my secrets; telling them about my apprehension toward women because of past abuse... Im scared of them; scared of being ripped to pieces as I when I was a child...
scared to tell someone I can't literally stand up to women because if I did; this would be the same results as standing up to an abuser; they have all the power to throw me away; I cant win; I would be thrown away for good... In the end; I was thrown away anyway by the abusers; And they supplied the life line to my very existence when young; so I would do anything and say anything to be on their side and not thrown away; including selling myself out; meaning; my mind personality and later; body... anything; but actually I was scared to death and submitted because I was in a state of dissociated fear.... I was no longer present.... I had no place to hide; no place to run...
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Women sold me to the abusers in a real sense; they were in charge and they murdered my body and my mind... I was just a child.... pure evil.....
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So; Ive never had a girlfriend before. So; today; I have friends; mens groups or homes I go to and we talk over the fire pit in the back yard.... We talk about arrested development and years of purposely finding women we did not care about and getting phone numbers for no really purpose or meaning... For their was no relationships with women who we did not like after calling their numbers and playing the game; but they were good looking; trophy; just like bagging a Rhino in the African wild pure emptiness. However, I was not a sadist. I was just empty; and had no clue what was wrong; a hardened heart... later my heart had to bleed from the inside out; be squeezed of its poison and thus Jesus Christ could center in on me and break that heart and put an error through me to the ground below and make me cry for the love shown to someone else...
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Ive never gone after a girl before; only once but I destroyed that.
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Ive never gone after anyone; I pulled back; got hardened and never left my layer.
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Ive had women come to me; but it was always empty; because those were not the women the child in me really liked....
The goal is a best friend heart; her heart best-friend heart toward me; my heart; best-friend heart toward her connected by the universe and the universe connected to its heart and both our hearts; that's what Im looking for.
Things are changing; Im slowly coming up to speed; never done it before with only friends and God and myself and some 12 step groups... No past; no past family; nothing... all on my own and it's working...
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However, I do have the limited support of brothers... I never thought I would allow them back into my life; but Im not God and God has seen other plans....
At some point Ill be up and running and present again. Im already up to speed almost. I still have to face that very harder gap between where Im at and truly being in front of the train and heading down my own tracks.
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I have social uncomfortableness to face...
Im needing to be out of the recovery process for awhile; just me and society and learn to imagine what I want and feel it and let it appear in front of me. Find the best places to be and be their.... And meet who I am suppose to meet....
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I'm on zoom recovery meetings in the morning and 1 real in person meeting a week for recovery.
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Its not just women; its activities and talents and calling and hobbies... and becoming social and liking myself....
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So; Ive got friends and a new life brooding....
I don't feel so good about myself... I have no experiences that would make...

[ Continued ]

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