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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1031
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- June 2019
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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intimacy 2

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm

Laws of attraction; Asian soulmate; Ive been conjuring up Asian soulmates for a long time; putting out that magic spell. Putting it out to the universe.
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So; Ive had numerous Asian women show up around me; but they are either the wrong ones; or im not attracted to them; or their with a kid and Im not attached to them; or their with their white boyfriends and walking by; up close; close enough to touch; Their getting near; but thats it; However, at times; clerks show up; I show up; we talk; their Asian women; so; Im getting contact; its close but not intimate; but it goes no further; and interestingly enough; it seems that my self esteem and self worth and emotional age; or because of it; these women are acting according to my age to manifest; What is an 8 year old going to do with a grown women; she’s going to be my mother; and its the 8 year old in me that is manifesting, Im at many ages; Im like a 12 year old who needs a mom; and Im attracting a mom to me because Im somewhere between 6-8-12-13. I dont see these women as girlfriends; The adult teenager in me sees them as girlfriends; but the rest of me sees them as a mom. Im not a teenager; Im much much older now; Im an old man now; but still working at it.
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Ive been stuck in the 7th grade for most of my life; Im attempting to face it and work through it; so; its also a 13 year old that is stuck and cant move; in fact; no development at that age; possibly time to re write that age period; make it out to be something glorious.
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Im trying to grow again; so I want a girlfriend that will help me grow instead of believing I can have an actual soulmate at my level; I have a hard time believing that; or that Im worth that; or that Im going to get a nice person that is nice to me; thats a hard one; Im trying to face; in the past with no protection. I got allot of mean sociopaths in my face when I was a nice person; no protection; nothing. So; to expect something positive now; its very hard deal; and maybe I should write about this more; work on it; clean it up.
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The above is something I wrote on my other pages; a manifestation blog page from somewhere yonder. So; many things going through my head; first; I was bullied at the age of 13; so, theirs not going to be any movement; nothing. I was in a state of panic and shock when I was in school; it was more like a detention center were young sociopaths could run free and beat up and destroy anyone they felt like; thats what junior high is; and high school when you have no one to protect you. So; I have all that to deal with.
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I was basically psychologically castrated when young; competlely demoralized; nothing left; So; I feel like a loser around women; like I dont fit into any social situation. I could get to a higher level people; but I feel like a loser their as well; infact; I feel like a loser around all people; most of them because they have no depth; so; I stay away from them; but then; I dont have any money; so; its like being on the streets; its all demoralization; I feel ugly around women; like I dont match up; regardless of what women think of me; it doesn’t matter; Im always waiting for the ball to drop.
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Im a little better now; The problem is experience; I have no experience at the appropriate age with women; nothing.
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the last person I actually loved was at age 14 and thats it. I never wanted anyone else; why! why bother with more nonsense; the red pill was forced down my throat at that age. I woke up to what women are really like. So; its been hard.
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Anyway; Im attracting Asian women as Ive imagined them; but thats all that happening; no one is close and non appear available.
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Imagine your at the fair or a giant indoor event; you wonder around and realize many Asian women are walking by; not normally this amount; in fact; never do I see them; and suddenly after imagining it; they show up everywhere; the problem is; I dont know any of them; Im ...

[ Continued ]

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intimacy

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am

I cant even watch porn and get off because of intimacy problems. This could be a good sign; I don't know; it could mean Im coming back to intimacy with people; I don't know. but I can feel it; Ive seen and been involved with to many up close bad things and bad people and betrayals.
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Im socially getting stronger; Am I getting stronger with the right people? No! However, these are the people the universe is bringing me to work with. Can they be trusted; well; only to a point. But its working; every time I see someone at the store; and they walk by; I now say hi and reach out my hand and shake their hands; I don't need to pull away from them in complete fear. Does this mean their on my side? no! Their only on my side according to their mentality and nothing more. Meaning, they are not really the people I want to associate with; they still make me nervous; but these are people Im practicing on. I humble myself to get the practice and not be alone; cant say it any better; is it working; yes; it is working; Im getting stronger.
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When I was very young; I was fooled into believing I was safe or had a safe shot at my life; I was wrong. But I did not know I was wrong; I had no idea; I thought it was safe enough to survive and thrive; but I was fooled; because the filth I was with destroyed children; they were never safe and allowed me to be destroyed; their was no one looking after me. They allowed me to think I was safe; in reality; I was completely neglected but did not know it; in fact; in some cases; I thought I was free; and is this not a normal condition of the used when to young to understand; I felt privileged; In reality; I was simply being thrown away. ITs all very horrible and sad; its beyond sad; a place of horror is beyond sad; like what happens to children; what really happened to them in a time of war; where all things are destroyed from their little life; including their lives; snuffed out; blown into pieces.
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Unfortunately, I learned a horrible horrible lesson; because I was a throw away; I reached out to the wrong people; in this case; the rich kids down the street; but I didn't know they were rich; they had a nice house; but I didn't know what that meant. What does it mean when your with rich kids who live down the street? IT means I was never invited but didn't know; I was used; nothing more; I was allowed to hang out or around them; but they were never my friends; they were liars and con artists; but I didn't know. They knew; up scale lies and manipulators. They worshiped a God; their God was to look good to themselves and others in the community; nothing more; I was treated like a zoo animal; but no one told me. “RUN”; thats what I should have done; I had no place to go. My life was pulled out from underneath me; I was being used from every direction. These people took advantage of a small child because thats the kind of thugs they were; no better then any other kind of thug; worthless and dangerous; cowards; hiding behind Christian jargon and a slew of Christian music and Gospel recordings; it was the riches attempt at a better life; what I didn't know; I was not invited; I was never invited; but the door was open; and I went through unsuspecting of anything; what I didn't know; I was being trapped and used; exploited because of my age. I thought they liked me; but in reality; I was being used to socialize their son. Its a kind of relational aggression.
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Ill pull the words out; the phrase; “ I thought they liked me”; and their it is; pure character; the purest character of a child; “ I thought they liked me”; that is as innocent as a thing can be; pure truth; pure innocence, pure honesty; purity at its finest; the only reason a child is around someone; “ I thought they liked me” thats why I was around them; nothing more. Do you feel it; the purity of such things.
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The worthless are like Dogs, the...

[ Continued ]

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Identity overwhelmed

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am

Ill make a list of all the bullying; the key is; can I stay alive; or stay present from all that Ive been through; My identity was destroyed completely; this is not what I expected in this life.
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The problem was; I started out with a false middle class lie; or fabrication; 2 psychopaths creating a false front; I was 2 young to know what they were doing or had planned; the 2 older brothers; they were complete strangers; they knew; they had all ready been destroyed and feared out of life by it; so traumatized they could not function in the school systems at only a minimal level. They were ruined. But I didn't know when young; not until the age of about 9.
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Because I was neglected; for a few years; I was left alone; and in that time I dreamed; dreamed of many things;I dreamed from having a relationship with the television set; the sitcoms and shows and movies of how I wanted to grow up when I got older.
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What I didnt know; I was in 2 different worlds; the tv world allowed me to believe I had choices and freedom; and when I grew up; I could have anything I wanted; build any kind of life I wanted; but I had to start to process when young; I didnt know I was not going to bed allowed to do this.
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I remember the bulling in school starting in the first grade at minor levels. Miner miner levels.
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I made a horrible mistake in the first grade; I made it because I was not being taken care of; If I had been taken care of in a family; I would not had to have reached out to strangers for friendships at such an early age; I made a grave mistake and reached out to the wrong people; but I did not know they were not my people; they were my enemies; but did not know; for I was truly alone from the beginning of my life. I did not know I did not relate to the other students in the class. For I was a foster kid and didnt know it.
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I reached out, out of desperation because I had no love coming in; and I was already depersonalized. Looking back at my beginning memories now; I see me trying to run and hide or escape from everything; that is all I was doing; looking for relief; finding a way to be independent away from everyone else; whether it be a closet to hide in or spend my time in, or the corner of a fence yard; or being locked in my own mind as one of the psychopaths was ridiculing me..... Or later; the TV set; thats where I hid. .
And I tried to hide in art; I loved art. And later drums. I wanted to hide in school work and be a strait A student; never happened; I was not allowed; altho I was brilliant.
I wanted to hide in school’ homework; that never happened; the opposite happened unfortunately; at first I thought I had a chance; but I didn't; I started getting bullied at some point; and neglected out of grade school. I was lost going nowhere; I did not know why; no one told me why?
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I spent my time alone playing at the house I was staying at; or the neighbors; I would have never associate with the neighborhood or neighbors if I had any other choice; I did not; I got used them; their parents; the kids I was playing with; their parents recognized that I was showing up at a regular basis... And they knew; they knew what I did not know; I was a throw away; and they took advantage of it; The most important sorrow; they were using me as if I was free game; why? because they thought they were better then me; that I was white trash and usable and disposable; and the word “ disposable” is the best word I can come up with. Thats the best word; of how they viewed me; I did not view me this way; they did. and they used me with no human regard; to them; they were getting away with using the poor; stripping them of their consciousness... Later, sadly, I would find out the horrible stunning truth...
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When you find out whats happening to you; its like your a character in a zombie movie and the whole world is out to get you; and you will not survive and have ...

[ Continued ]

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re changing the present

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm

Im in change; this is how I see it; Im no different then a 4-5 year old in nursery school who is just waking up to life and making plans for the future.
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Today, Im like a beat down 4 year old; but Im starting to know who I am; “Im” a beat down 4 year old; thats my opinion; not someone else's; its mine; meaning; Im not involving someone else or allowing my focus on someone else of what they might think; don't need it; Im standing on my own to decide who I am and whats wrong; When I suggest “ someone else” Im talking about abusers from the past; nothing more.
So; the point is; Im at this point of looking at giving the world another chance for me to be in it; Im scared and overwhelmed; for I have about as much as a 4 year old monetarily; Im not much older then 4 when it comes to taking care of my life. I don't know how to make money; Im working with the universe; unfortunately; my schooling was destroyed young; I never got started in it; I was dissociated the whole time because of my home circumstance.
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So; here I am with a nervous system full of misery and pain. But its not all about that; but it is; Im not miserable, Im miserable because Im not doing anything with my life; thats whats causing misery.
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When I think about doing something with my life; my mind goes back to the past where a house existed and a yard and I hide their; or want to be their and relive my life; hide their; where Im safe. I was safe because I was neglected and my father would not allow my mother to touch me because I was his property; one sociopath dominating the psychopath; in the end; I was left alone “ for a few years” or I thought that; In reality; I was being groomed to be destroyed; but didnt know it. So; Ive had a hard time being in the present; because theirs no money here now; theirs no boat or car or anything; I live like a loser in loser vill and I don't like it; I liked the middle class life; it felt safe being protected by money; I felt privileged relative to where Im at now; I could do anything I wanted; and someone else took care of me; I was thrown away to young and never learned how to take care of me; and I ended up on the skids in the broken part of town.
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I suppose what Im saying it; from the ages of 4 to eight; “ childhood” I was taken care of; what do I mean; I mean; I feel the same way allot of adults feel; “ I wish I could live in childhood again; someone else was paying the bills and bought the house; all I had to do was go to the second grade; come home and play nerf football with the neighbor kids”. And that went on for a few years; but only a few years. And their were problems; I was being exploited and didnt know it, in many ways and used, and didnt know it. and set up to take a fall and didnt know it.
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So, as a broken down person; where do I go from here. A person with no confidence in the present; where do I go from here..? thats what Im working on.
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One area I'm realizing now; I was brainwashed and broken; no self esteem left; no self respect left; well, Actually, Ive always had self respect; but no connection to society; it was taken from me; now its my responsibly to get it back. And I believe I can get it back.
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I know who I am; does that help; Im a bullied beat down destroyed person; severely abused of specific natures; terrified and traumatized to the point of disability. I saw to much over n over n over; and was forced into to bad things against my ethics and safety; and self preservation; over n over n over n over n over n over over over m over..... And I was to young and innocent to know to protect myself or hide; I knew nothing was wrong or happening to me while it was happening to me; but it was happening all around me and to me, but I did not know I was being murdered; I was 2 young to know until it started catching up with me later; and things got worse; I was thrown away at birth; I was a foster child at birth; regardless of who I...

[ Continued ]

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Working out of it; the struggle continues

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm

It will be a struggle until I can move my focus to what I want to do with my life instead of where I cam from or the abuse associated with it.
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You will know the difference when I can make directive decisions for myself leading into creative new directions for my life.
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Im working with stories of a new life; and Im going to write them the way I always wanted my life to be.
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This is not easy; none of it; the key to writing is; to understand the blocks will show up first in the writing before they show up in reality; it will show up when Im writing. the pain is handled and worked through while writing because it shows up; I can recognize the pain; and work on through writing; there goal is to keep writing about what I want until no blocks show up as Im writing.
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The struggle continues; when will I know the struggle is on its way; new friends; possible live show of my stuff; having some of my music written and played by a quartet; that would be a start; acting school; that would be a start; to be in acting school; I would have to learn how to memorize; I would have to learn how to practice this.
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Ive always been worried about my lines if I was an actor; Im not sure why I didn't become an expert at memorization; why did I give up; because I don't want to be in those situations that someone comes down on me trying to control me and putting me on the spot. I want no part of it. Id be put on the spot if I was an actor; but if I want to be an actor; Id have to dedicated to it; and dedicated to things that don't bring in money; bothers me; so; I never did anything and I never brought in any money; I refused.
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So. the fact is; I have never done anything that would bring in money; I never learned and I gave up on trying to be the real me with my talents in the world; I gave up; not money no direction; and don't know what to do about it. .
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I tried suicide; that did not work; Im crazy enough to kill myself; been mentally ill enough to kill myself; but never wanted to kill myself; I wanted to get off this planet; I wanted to die to get out of here; its not working for me on this planet; but I never actually wanted to die; and thats the difference between me and the people that are all ready gone.
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It doesn’t do any good for me to be in a job I hate; Im just a slave; and I wont perform; at some point; I refuse and stop.
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Ive never really been myself anywhere; Ive never really created an environment to be myself. I don't know how; nor had the faith to believe; if someone said I had to pay 5000 bucks a month for a lot downtown; to rent to be myself; thats nice; wheres the 5 Grand a month come from; and their it is; Id have to work with God to get the plans from the universe for the 5 grand a month. Ive never had any will for anything; I just didn't care; not after what Ive been through by the people in this society; after being murdered in this society; hated for no reason; prejudice, un appreciated at every level; completely looked over by society as if I was stupid and un talented; ridiculous. And Im suppose to go back out into this society and do what? And thats what Im trying to figure out; what am I suppose to do; who am I really; what am I suppose to do; what will I be so interested in that I would rent a shop down town for 5 grand a month; rent a space and do something; I don't know. So, I have to find out; thats my next challenge.
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meeting women as the real me is also my challenge; meeting nice women; not these worthless SJW feminist nonsense with their sexual market value nonsense.
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What do I want to do with my life? I know I like art; do I want to do this professionally; what about a writer; or at least; how do I take this to the next level; how do I get into it; wears my support for such things; people support; groups I can go to for support. I feel like; if I take it to the next level; I get fired, I get used, Im get treated worthless and I...

[ Continued ]

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