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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm

The key to success is hunger....... TO be hungry for something. Hunger without enthusiasm is slavery; so; Im not talking about slavery; In the Bible it suggests to let a man alone who is drunk who is in sorrow from losses greater then a man to bare. let him be; let him alone; let him drink and be dissociated from reality; for he has no heart to be part of the world; he is not interested anymore in anything...
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And; This is not me!
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Im now interested in things and living again; but concerning what Ive been through; I still see the faces of the past. Im not cured; Im in the middle of things. If I want a life; I must define it and work toward it the best I can.
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Am I saying this correctly? I have to be done with the past and able to move on. That does not mean I dont see it; the door is open to it but my energy has new directions of interest with enthusiasm; and thats what Im working toward.
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I am done with the past and Im ; broke; so Im not able to move on; and that is actually a part of my victimhood and my past; My heart was disabled financially; Its associated with those abusers that could take advantage of me anytime they thought to. Money is associated with abuse; and fear and rage and hatred and anger and sexual abuse are associated with money; the hatred of such things; all of it; They stole my money; they didn't need to; took it and never payed me ever; they kept it like I was a slave... So; money is associated with adolescent time period of being destroyed, raped, preyed upon, used; humiliated; like being in an oven with it on... no way to escape ever.... Like being burned to death...
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and Im now squirming because of it and hurting really really bad and insecure. What they did to me ruined my financial abilities along with my relationship abilities; Im not giving up; but all that pain and sorrow and loss and the financial inabilities brings the past right back; all of it; it takes me to my house as a child where I was thrown away and where I had all that hope and dreams; and I was ruined. So; At that juncture point; where I would escape; I was thrown away before I could hang on and escape or prepare for it; and now Im relearning how to get back into some kind of mode to function again in the world and Im not sure who or what I am or what Im striving toward. Ill keep at it tho.
My age doesn't matter concerning my direction; the PTSD that is stopping my thinking does. Im not sure what direction to take. I live in a box in my head; I spend all day in front of a computer screen hiding; Im not in the real world doing anything or going after anything or creating my own world; I do it in my apartment. But Im not getting anywhere. I do spend time at 12 step meetings; an essential part of my recovery; but my life now is about more than recovery; I want it to go somewhere. So; I have to find myself out with other people and interacting with others and meeting others; Im scared to death I wont fit in with anyone.
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Im a high quality person and I want to bash myself in and say negative things about me; its my mothers voice bashing in the high quality person.
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I have high quality capabilities but I want to destroy myself instead of participate in activities that would build those qualities; my mother is still running me from inside my head but its lessoning or Im waking up more to it, Even as Im writing about it; my mind switches to the flashbacks and critical voice of my mother....
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And when the flashbacks hit; they attack; Im believing Im back home; Im 8 years old; my mind is taken over; I don't see where Im at now or where I want to be; its all taken over or Im crushed under critical voice if I try to move forward.
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Anger; hate and rage attack me when I try to see myself doing a profession; Im ripped too pieces with ridicule as if I can't amount to anything. I haven't the first clue on what that feels like to be at a better level then this;...

[ Continued ]

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A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm

Im 57 years old; and Ive never slept with a women before or had a girlfriend. What does that really mean? It means; ive never gone out and saw a women I wanted to sleep with; hit on her and took her home and slept with her. and; I never saw a women I wanted to date; and really liked and went out with her and made her my girlfriend. That means the real me has never done this; the present me. Me in charge and happy and awake and creating my own life. Never have I done it! never! Ive never paid my rent on my own volition, Ive never owned my own house or a car; ive never bought anything for myself accept starting a few years ago; where I was taking back my life and the things I wanted; mainly. toys of some nature; telescopes; bikes; computers, plastic model kids and such..... drums.
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So; Ive never had my own car because that is a developmental issue when at the proper age; and I never bought my own car or worked for it or learned about independence at that proper age; it was all stolen from me. all of those experiences and to be present for them. Instead; I was made un-present through abuse; cut off from myself and ran around like a mindless zombie controlled by those in charge; Haters of then human race. And my father abandoned me at 9; or beginning at age 7; the perfect age for the sociopath to abandon; just after young childhood; they would create a child; use them up to 7 years old then dump them in one form or another; give them some attention for their own personal use up to age 7 then dump them; but not tell them first. So it was for me; I never had a first car experience; I thought I would; my whole life was planned with my father in mind; I was sure he would be their as I got older and help develop me; I had no idea; none that he would abandon me; suddenly; all dreams died and I died with it.. They did a good job fooling us; we were little kids; sickening; horrible horrible pain; and then I was thrown away. And here I am now ready to start it over again; sort of; Im not completely ready; I have to go from 1st grade to 2nd grade. I have to accept that; and then let the walls fall down and allow myself to come out of that broken egg into the world again; into the surrounding areas; then prepare myself and grow and get solid; and once solid; start over; dating; reading books.... and many other things; we will see what shows up; its about freedom; freedom of speech and expression; thats what its about; free talking; getting my feelings about and becoming who I was originally suppose to become.
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The goal is to become present again as that second grader and start over; and this is a bit of an art form as their is no original family; but I have the origin neighborhood I used to roam around in to walk around and reminisce about the past; but Im not their yet; meaning; Im not myself yet; but Im getting stronger; its about alignment with myself; this can be done through meditation.
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This will take some work and long hours of work. Nothing free. Im working against my nervous system that I come back out into the real world again; my nervous system doesn't like the idea. IT does not want to get better; it wants to fight and stay protected; doesn't want to open up to the world again; not after what Ive been through. unbelievable nightmare.. horror show where I was killed.
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When younger I had mental illness; starting I 5th grade because of sudden abandonment and severe abuse; by the time Im 14 Im interested in dating; what I didn't know; I was warped and mentally unstable and mentally ill and Ill get much worse... So; nothing with girls at that time will work out for me; it will be dysfunctional. I will blame myself; but it was never my fault; it will never work out for me because Im mentally ill; God knew this; I did not.
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When I tell you about a girl I loved and missed out on. it was 99% in my head; and one percent possibility; if I took that chance;...

[ Continued ]

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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am

Kind of a long post;
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Ive talked intensively about the girl from my teenage youth that I loved and wanted to marry because God had brought up together and I destroyed.
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Tonight as I recover and get better; and Im at a meeting. It hits me; the girl I loved. First let me say; that when the truth appears; it all starts to make sense; what baffled me before; the truth comes to light. Im no longer baffled.
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I asked God about her; what's next concerning this girl. The reason she is so important to me is; I had a break down and turned on her; but when I turned on her; I turned on my future and my life; I coward out. She would have been my life; and its true; but what I didn't see was; the potential was their for her to be my wife; I had not established enough of an interaction with her.
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God now has revealed the truth to me that was 2 hard to deal with at that age; or up until recently. A simple answer that clears everything up kind of; my heart still yearns for an answer; but the answer is; how to recover from mental illness; thats the answer; it had nothing to do with anyone else.
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I was devastated by the girl because; as I quickly began to change; Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde; I reached out to her the best I could because I wanted and needed help; but it wasn't love I needed; but I did need love; I needed someone to understand my mental illness and the dire straits I was in because my mind had been broken and I need someone to see this and get me help; I needed a mental hospital; not a girlfriend. Altho a girlfriend sounded so nice; I did not have a stable enough brain to sustain any kind of relationship or even association with anyone; I should have never been up at her house; instead I should have been getting an intake evaluation at a mental health facility. I had no one; so anyone coming into contact with me; sooner or later I broke down and with insecurity and desperation cried out for something; projected insanity from the deepest inner being of myself for help. but I was in desolate lands; no one would have connected the help call; all they saw was darkness.
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The others;
Their was more then one girl. They're were several girls. I loved the one girl; but could not get close to her because I chickened out; she lived up the street; she was my soulmate; but I turned on her after creating a relationship with her; building it; molding it; she wanted me; all I had to do was follow through; and I couldn't; I felt so stupid. And at the same time; I was hitting on some other girl at school; I don't remember; maybe I made out with her; She later told me she loved me. I slammed her emotionally; dumped her; said she meant nothing to me. And then I ended up not following through with the girl I loved.. And I tried to get close to her again but she wouldn't. but I could have gotten close to her and have her back any time I wanted; Any time. But still; I started dating another girl; but I didn't want her; I just acted like I wanted her. And I could have dated a whole lot more girls. But the thing was; I only wanted the one. and I could have had her any time I wanted and I wanted to marry her but I played the victim with her until she didn't want me anymore; I thought; what a cold B_tch. But in reality; this is not what it appears to be. Closer to the truth; I met this girl up the street and this girl up the street liked my attention; but I began to flake out; and soon the girl become confused. She tried to get me to stay over night with her or ask her out; she did anything she could to throw herself on me but I wouldn't respond to her but I would continue to come up to her house everyday; I chickened out; but what really happened; I dissociated out of reality; because I was never in reality; I should have never been their; I was mentally ill simply seeking out anyone that might notice me that could get me some help with mental health services. These were just...

[ Continued ]

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Signs of handling reality

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

More looking on the past. Mainly the same as other blogs but this time with a bit of a twist concerting getting better. But; its the same stuff I always talk about and feel like I want to review.
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I remember when very young and I wanted to work in that corner business down town; I was a little kid. I had all kinds of plans. Later I would meet those people and befriend their son; they would move their shop to a new location and were prominent people in town; I would be at that shop several times a week with my friend; he had to work in the green houses. Looking back; I had no idea he was not my friend. I was just a son; there for laughs and boredom. But I did not know; I was a nice child; a really nice sensitive kid. really normal and nice; innocent. Really nice; I loved the Monkeys and The Beatles and flipper... And Star Trek the original series; it came on every Friday night at 8.
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I went by that shop on my bike again today; empty; foreclosed; dark and quite; No one around; no one to be seen; I looked in the windows and I see myself as a child with my friend while the place was busy. Now; its a ghost building. I rode around back and looked through the back door; I used to hang out their behind their and play with my friend.
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He had a big family. 5 sisters and Grandparents and aunts and uncles; I met some of them; would go fishing at his grandparents house when young.
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Now; nothing; I spent allot of my time as a child at their house; Now; Ill never see any of them again as if I never met them. And they dont care. Im sure they see me riding my bike all the time; but they dont care.
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Why dont they care; because I was never really a friend of any of theirs; all fair weathered friends. I Never knew.
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How do you get over such a loss as this; Theirs no closer; Nothing. Most of my young childhood was spent in their big back yard staying over night in their tents or catching bees in the morning with jars. They didn't mind because I was socializing their son; But I didn't know this. I thought I was loved and accepted as an equal. But I wasn't but never knew. The rest of them knew. all the sister knew. I had history at that house. I saw all his sister almost naked at times Long before their husband would; of course; I was 5 years old.
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I had history with them; but they had no history with me; I meant nothing to them. Nothing. I never knew. I was not wanted and they thought they were better then I was. They made the comment that I was trash to their son; this was in first grade and again when I was in 4th or 5th grade; I did not understand; comment that my brothers were trash; I did not understand what that meant or why someone would say that; later I would learn all to well.
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I went by that building today where their shop was located; I had no history with them; I thought I did; but I did not; I had my own history with them... But they never knew.
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Now; Im starting to get over them as I wake up from dissociative disorder; a condition they helped cause.
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Im now getting over them. They are becoming part of a bad past that's in the past as Im in the present walking on my 2 feet. How horrible to do this to a child. But; they did this to their own children and some of they grandchildren. it was not just me. But my friend was never a friend. I did not know. I thought I meant something to him; that I was his best friend; I was wrong. And that breaks my heart. But I had made an incident mistake in first grade by meeting this person in the first place; God has shown me what I was suppose to do if I could re enact it; I was to enter the room; see this boy up front and suddenly; leave him be; he was not my friend. Go the other direction; and in my imagination and in my writings; I go to the left and sit in the far corner of the room... I am always re writing my past on paper.
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About 15 years ago; I invited myself over for Christmas at their house;...

[ Continued ]

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Suicidal thoughts of giving up; but I wont; its fear

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:20 pm

Im getting hit with fear; over whelming fear; its exhausting; Im outside all the time and I have agoraphobia. I used to hide all the time so I have to remember this. I can take only so much " outside". the outside world. After awhile it starts to get to me and I have to go into my cave. Im stronger then I used to be; and Im getting better I guess. The fear; Im seeing it as fear and this comes from the deepest part of me; I see it coming from sexual abuse; that time period I was trapped and controlled; kidnapped would be a better word for it. What do you call a situation where a child has no choice of where they live; they have to live with abusers or molesters; I would call this kidnapping; same thing... And the psychopaths planned this; they knew ever detail of what they were doing and how it would unfold. They wanted to capture and entrap children. I was never safe from the first day I was born; nothing.
Im trying to work through the PTSD surrounding this; that I can come out of the flashbacks; for the most part its happening but its exhausting; I get suicidal; So I have to back off; I hate it when I hit these walls. I can't go beyond them and then I freak out. flip out. My mind gives up... And I get frustrated and mad. I just want to give up; but I wont or I don't. When I see the ptsd; I feel like nothing has changed... Im not safe no matter where I go.
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Im looking for new social connection; part of me is at this point of change or re connection with more cultured educated people; that gap is lessoning.... Im at that point. So at least I see what it feels like to watch a gap heal or shore up inside me.
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Ive noticed I never tried to get to safe places socially; I just accepted where I was at and stayed their; learned helplessness; trauma bonded..... something like that. Im trying to wake up out of the abuse of the past...
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Ive been getting stronger around people; giving my opinion to them; an opinion that might piss them off or start a fight. Ive noticed this several times; Im starting to have a voice; I have to watch who I do this with; talk to; I can have it slammed back into my face....
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So; I have to watch it; keep working with the universe.
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Another problem or area of concerning; the damaged person from trauma attracting sociopaths and I attract my share of them. I want to finish what started along time ago in my life and Im still attracting sociopaths to take my anger out on but they always win; and I have to learn this; I go into freeze mode around them; they trap me verbally with commands; they command me and I don't stand up to them or walk away; I go into freeze mode and do what they say through intimidation. I don't know how to stand up to them nor do I want to; Ive tried in the past; they brush it off; its like it never bothered them; they aren't listening; I learned a long time ago to walk away; but sometimes I like to hang out places. And they are in those places and those places are the only places I have to go for recovery and I need to feel like a child and be safe and recover....
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Another problem is isolation. Its important when breaking isolation to find the right kind of people; no sociopathic types; I have to look out for this problem. I attract them...
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So; I have to work with the universe for changes to occur.
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I get hit with bad thoughts when riding my bike to the store; the longer journey alone outside; I hate it; having to deal with it again. I almost refused to ride my bike anymore to the store; I thought about taking the bus but at the same time; and I mean to the store not around town because I hate the journey because of the thoughts that come up. anyway; I get hit with flashbacks and then Im intolerant and just want to die.. it comes on me fast with no toleration; nothing; I get suicidal quickly; what's the point; Im trying to break through; why wont the universe help me.... I feel alone... completely...

[ Continued ]

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