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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Social skills improving

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am

Ive been working a recovery process for a long time; However, I started success based thinking skills about 6 years ago. For the last 4 years; the goal has been social. Im slowly working closer and closer to the center and waking up.
Dissociative disorder walls;
Because of abuse when young; my mind was trained to defer itself. When getting close to being expressively free; I went inside myself because of the monstrosity of my situation; not always presented in front of me; at many times; it was covert; this evil that created a pathway to my abuse; meaning; at times the abuse was running silent; but still running. My mind would go inside itself in almost an autistic way.
Now; when dealing with social interactions and talent interactions and work interactions; any interactions; I shut down and go inside myself and don't deal with what's outside in front of me. Recently Ive realized I have no choice; its hardwired. So; my goal is to unwire the harness.
Ive realized it started trauma problems before I was 4 years old; before I could remember anything; my first memory was at 3 1/2 years old; it was the psychopath in the car saying horrible things to me...... I was already hardened to dealing with it. Its always saddening to remember this because it was my first memories of awareness in life. ITs not fair.... Not fair for any child to be disadvantaged.
I was at the meetings and my ability to talk to certain people is much stronger and more confident and more positive and the focus is on them; not me; not needy or needing to be about me and Im less able to be manipulated; because Ive notice many that if they think they can get away with it flip the conversation backward finding themselves in a power position to manipulate me or shame me or control me. Im not allowing this anymore.
Had a women I know; we were standing in line for food at a meeting; She was talking to someone and addressed me as. "He"; she was making an example of something in her life and I was the example; I immediacy stopped her and with some aggressiveness; Told her my name in a sense that my name is_______! I did it over over several times; she got the message and she didn't like that message. She didn't want to show me respect for who I am; She is a modern user of men.
The feminist movement is destroying relationships between men and women. Ive dealt with this a bit lately. I end up walking away or getting hardened to the people practicing it and stay away for good.. Whats interesting; the people practicing this arnt sure what to do. They cant attack because I never go near them but its out of disgust; I don't put an eye on to them and they are not sure how to proceed. They find themselves isolated and alone...
Anyway; Socially speaking; Im doing better; better then I ever have... But what does that mean. I means my ability to talk to people is stronger face to face. Face to face is what it's about for me today. Ive gotten stronger because I continue to be forced into new situations where I have to be face to face and show my emotions. Not easy. .
My goal is to have transportation and find myself with new groups of people and talk to them; practice conversation.

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My goal is to work through adolescence.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

My goal is to work through adolescence. What type of plan is required for this. Well; I need a play house and a play. I need a new script of my life and to follow it word by word and finish what I started. Ive found that when working toward goals at any level I began to become a " present" person. My shift of focus is on the future and on where Im at now; knowing where Im at now and where my destination is. And I have ideas of this; and ideas require plans; several plans; plans that are tried and refined; this is happening. courage is of the day.
I want to work through work issues. Maybe another blog.
My goal is a change of attitude; " I don't follow dreams"; I hunt goals!" couldn't say it any better; thats where I want my thinking. I want my focus on " what I want"; what makes me feel good; what makes me happy; and going after it; I want freedom from what others think or I think they think. I want freedom so I have to go after freedom; Im scared to go after freedom; it frightens me; this will require plans and pathways and I stepping out onto those pathways.
I have these negative thoughts; they are loathing thoughts when I attempt to think about plans for my pathways; its horrible. Im treated less then a dog and its all coming from my own mind. And then when I want to challenge it; I switch out; I have dissociative disorder. This loathing pathways are a problems; its a sad affair; I dont feel them anymore it went so deep. Im not feeling that sub human level; the goal is to feel again and stay away from the bottom end of things; work my way out.
So; Ive got the right angle or idea; I just have to keep working it out and not run and hide but continue to keep my soul and my mind open to my pathway.
The pathway must be conquered in the mind first before in reality. I must win on paper before I win in real life. I must have a plan forged in my imagination first and it must move in my imagination to the point that it starts moving the outside world.
Im having dead dumb spots when it comes to creating plans. I have to trust!! This is a hard thing. I dissociate and go blank. My mind dissociates and Im getting tired of it dissociating.
Im working through. thats the goal. Keep the focus.
The main focus is to keep up the pathway and no matter what thoughts come up or flashbacks; hang on until I can see clearly the path in front of me. It's hard. I'll do it. I can do this.
My pathway is filled with the right things; I just got to see it first; keep working until I show up to see it.
I can feel myself moving through adolescence. In the past; I had the past defining my adolescence; Im now working on planes to change this and bring back my original self and add to that original self; hard work; blocks and divergence and flashbacks and critical voice; its like being attacked....
Im having a problem believing. Im not following through with my beliefs concerning manifestation; Ive had a problem with it. The goal is to keep at it; learning how to hunt that goal down; keep at it; don't quit.
Pride; one of the biggest problems Ive got if not the most centralized problem. I think Im to good to struggle for what I want; it should be handed to me; Or I see my grandfather controlling me; the one who raped and molested me for 2 years;…. a place my mind goes blank in; the horror of this. Its associated with destroying my growing up years. So I dont feel good enough.


“cant you see what Ive been through”; it's a legitimate resentment; a righteous resentment; and these are lies; no one owes me nothing; not for what Im working toward. But that part of me thats angry about the losses Ive had; many; no part of my own doing and many; I had to make impossible choices that would leave to sorrow no matter what direction I went... So; I have to work through those times and understand that Im not a victim of th...

[ Continued ]

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Ive got the direction; over whelming work

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:48 pm

Ive got the direction and the basics; the fundamentals; but as I wake up; Im starting into this personal information jungle to clear things out; What is a “ personal information jungle? its a place like a jungle of bushes and trees and jungle foliage; thick and dense with streams and basic style south America jungle density; but its ideas and its in my head. And why am I in this jungle. This jungle is the grey matter in my mind. It is the hazy cloudy gripping clay that grabs me and holds me back from my imaginations goals. I get side tracked; I dont know why Im getting side tracked.

it's like fighting a war in this information jungle. Ive got an agenda; I know where Im starting from and I know what the destination is; now; I have to neutralize the opposition; the resistance. The resistance is in the jungle and its the jungle itself; I get rapped up in its green leafing arms and off centered. I loose my balance and my sight and my way; Ive lost my way and ever twirling into the jungle off my original path; a mental hijacking.
Heres an example; Im learning about how to set goals for the first time. I mean; " Set Goals"; real goals; in the face of opposition. Where is the opposition coming from? Live PTSD going through my brain and my mind all day long; like a vast computer of videos; as soon as a trigger goes off; the video is played; its like living in 2 different realities; one outside; one inside; and they both look similar but they are apposed to each othere; both have buildings and people and sky and cars and money and ........ The list goes on; parallel worlds... 2 different plays going off at the same time; but they pull me into different directions; very stress laden; horrible fear and a sense of unmanageability to deal with both places at the same time; the inner world and the outer world.
Back to the beginning;
So; First; Im a first grader; let's start they're or before that; kindergarten; as I remember; I was OK at that time; but not. Their were already problems of neglect. I could tell but did not have a name for it; I was already behind other kids; I could tell. I was dissociative; My life was not addressed; I was being thrown away; TV shows made more sense to me then reality. I saw a future in believing I was like the characters of the TV show; it was a place to escape into.

Because I was in Play School all day for the first years; ages 4-5; I received allot of attention; the kind of attention a kid needs to stay mentally strait up and loved and moving forward.
So; We will start in play School or what happens after play school as Im developing. Looking at this time period; Im developing but Im behind in play school. Later; in first grade; Im not developing but Im wanting to and dreaming about it; but in reality; nothing. I have to go find other kids to play or develop; no one is finding me. I have to reach out to other kids. What I don't know; I think those kids are nice; but they don't think Im nice; they are wondering why Im hanging around so much and not at my own home. I never question this at the time; when very very young; I reached out to the kids around me and ended up at their houses; some didn't mind; some did; some took advantage of it because it gave the mothers a chance to socialize their sons; they liked me around for this reason; but they did not like me or the family I came from; and the first chance they get to get rid of me; they will take it; for example. After their child is socialized for a few years; Im asked to leave; this is done by treating me like Im a nobody and less then; inferior; they want me out or want me to leave their house and never return. They do not value me at any level; nothing; they only value the God like status they see themselves becoming; it's sickening; has to do with the rich or wealthy. Im not wanted at these places; these peoples houses unless I play a...

[ Continued ]

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Change are occurring; its not perfect

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 25, 2019 11:09 pm

Im not awake yet;I can't fight back. Im slowly waking up and fighting back; responding to what I believe in regardless of those around me; but I don't have the strength for it. but Im doing better than before; I have a long way to go. Ive never had a family and never had anyone on my side so Im not sure how to stand up for myself; I had no safe place to do so. My goal is to become strong enough to stand up for myself; it's not easy; it's scary; I have to work with the universe for this. Im able to respond at some levels; Im not completely dissociated around others. The problem is; Im over whelmed by others; others have families and jobs and gain support through the day; I have non. I have to practice at places I visit and Im treated with indifference most of the time; so I have to fight to get attention when I should not have to fight this hard; Im an intelligent man; What does this suggest; it suggests a journey; to go to new places with open minded people that respect me for who I am.
Im on a journey of personal development. Im all about developing the child within me until Im a full person again; fully standing and walking about with confidence. It can happen; I have to be in safe places for this to happen.
Im not secure yet! Im not around people that respect me that I call home. But Im getting used to others barking at me and I ignoring it or showing my opinion and moving on or walking up to others to give my opinion.
Im not there yet; Im not home orIm not accepted; nothing.
Im a bit stronger then I used to be; but I need more love; more alignment; more experiences; more of it. The goal is to be around the right people; but with many people; Im nothing to them; Im never enough. Im missing credentials. Im not good enough. I get snubbed everywhere I go; who will accept me; where do I fit in. I don't have any place Im from. Nothing.
I did not come from any family system; I was thrown away. So; who am I and where do I come from? Im getting stronger; its slow work... its hard work. Im trying to get my feelings back; own them; not be owned by the house I used to live in as a kid or owned by the people that used to live there; meaning the original family system I came from. The goal is to step out of the original family system I came from. Step back from it emotionally; this will take more time; I starting to wake up. The goal is to wake up and spit out this poisonist venom that still dissociates me from me. Im split into; I want to come together.

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Im still to young

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm

Im still to young in my emotional age; a gap resides where Im at and where I want to be. Im trying to get in touch with the beginning places of self; where I was at before I was hurt; trying to get in touch with it; feel it; be inline with it; feel safe in it and go from their; not be blocked anymore from that specific place.
The idea is simple; go back to where I was at before I got hurt and start from there. To start from a beginning spot; one must first find it; and my dissociative disorder is still blocking my thoughts from it. And it sucks. Im trying to get inline with myself; if Im inline with myself Ill know what the next move is. Im stuck at the moment; Im being kept from looking at the starting place; and with out the starting place, I can't get started. I see a lot of past memories of being used by people and I have to go before all that and start over again. And I have to work with the universe to interpret this; meaning; how to I go from the child in me to the next level; what leg work; what direction; thats the work. I have to have a base or grounding at that age Im starting at; I can't just see it; I must be it; be inside of myself again and be their at that age again; and then move forward in a direction that is going to help me in life... Thats the goal; And it is a hard one; a scary one; Im sabotaging myself; I dont know why; CPTSD; critical voice and flash backs; I must keep at this work and not stop. Keep at it.
The goal is to stop being a victim of other lesser people and find a way out; face that I want a way out.
Many different ages within me want to act like nothing is wrong; Im find in any age my mind is stuck in within the past; meaning; I need to move forward and I need the different parts of me to wake up and want to move forward with me because they are suppose to want to escape the past; but some of them dont want to move; or go; they are to scared and Im trying to wake them up so I can get a life at the present; Wake up!!!!!
Im trying to get the past me's to see the truth; Im being abused; its no place to just sit and act like everything is OK when nothing is ok. I want those parts of me to wake up and leave those time periods. However, The child in me sees those time periods as all I have left. However, in reality, I had nothing in those time periods; Nothing.
Im trying to wake up; to get to a place inside my past; a place I can show up in; and awake up and learn to get out of their and move on; move on, move on. unfortunately, I was not in control of anything; I could not fight back; did not have a clue to what was going on. Now; I must wake up if I am to save myself and my life....
Ive got my work cut out for me; the question is; what is the next move; thats always been the problem; what is the next step in what direction. Or take a step and find out. My mind must see it first; I must know what Im heading toward.
A gap resides from where Im at to where I want to be; where do I want to be; its being blocked because theirs pain and suffering and loss and fear when I think about it or imagine it; I get it with flashbacks; I have to over come them and decide what I want and where I want to be; what is the end destination; that is the goal; and that must get stronger even in the face of a broken faulty system within my nervous system.
I must strengthen what I want so I know where Im going. I get side vented and betrayed by my own thinking; Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde. So; I have to listen to one side; not both; and keep at it.
Having both sides; one normal side; one dissociative side; causes massive problems. Im working through it; but I dont know what to work through; all I can come up with is; what do I want at the end of this; what do I really want; what does it look like. the problem is, mind blocks what I want; wont let me visualize it; holds me back; holds me down; So; I have allot of focus...

[ Continued ]

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