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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- January 2020
The changes are occurring on verge of getting old.
   Tue Jan 21, 2020 6:39 pm
Music
   Sat Jan 18, 2020 1:39 am
Im not hating life right now
   Thu Jan 16, 2020 4:46 am
real changes
   Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:26 pm
Identity
   Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:52 pm
S0cialing success and interaction is upon me.
   Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:16 pm

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The changes are occurring on verge of getting old.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jan 21, 2020 6:39 pm

Im 57 years old. I feel OK! I feel fine. Im OK.
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I started writing here on this site in 2011. I love blog writing; I don't care all that much for; as much for writing comments to others posts; I don't mind it; but on this site I center mainly on blogs... its how I get my feelings out. I need company; not to be alone. I love expressing myself in a busy thoroughfare; I like allot of people around me; but to have my personal power not to be bugged by anyone at the same time; anonymity.
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I was thrown away young because he psychopaths; dumped from the the house I lived in first; dumped by the family I came from. dumped by psychopaths. As soon as they could get away with it; I was destroyed.... They did not want me to be superior; they wanted to be in positions of superiority; and could not stand that I wanted my own life; they were not going to allow that so I was destroyed. Later when I had to live with them again; my position was turned. When little I had a father at home; so no psychopath could get away with hurting me In general; they still tried. And they kept it up my whole life until I was sold down the river at age 9 or then completely at age 10. And that hurts to talk about; that moment I was given away or gotten rid of from my house and way of life; It was like being sucked up into a vacuum cleaner never to be seen again; and then the vacuum cleaner taken to the dump; and I have no idea where Im going or why....
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Things are changing for me; I read about the process of change; its about a 7 step process; Im between 5-7 of the steps. Im now making real changes Ive created and Ive moved forward; and thats the key. ITs real change in the face of those of my PTSD past that sill control the inside of me. Ive busted a hole through and Im now taking the chance to explore it.
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I have PTSD flash backs and 2 sets of childhood memories; meaning; I was kidnapped to a new location; thats how I see it; and had a new set of memories from that place to add on or take the place of my original goals I would have experienced at that time...
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Im working through the hole.... I seem to be holding my own. On the other side of the hole is what ever I chose it to be; to work at and make happen. To do this; I have to learn how to work for what I want and to have the self esteem. Having self esteem is a hard thing but possible.
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TO work at something means Im in charge regardless; not someone else. I dont want anyone in charge of my life accept me.
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Ive practiced and followed the book; Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. It's required to read the thing 10 times before I actually get the deeper meanings; some read it 20 times or more; or for ever. Ive read it about 8 times... and I have a few more times to allow it to sink in more. From their; Abraham Hicks success based thinking work. Youtube; And from there; various online LOA coaches.
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This is what Im finding; Im still mentally ill; Still have long term CPTSD problems.
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Things are working out; Sexual abuse is something else; that time period were someone gets to put their hands on me without my permission; that causes internal hey-wiring and confusion. and all the other problems; like wanting to blow up the world...
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Sexual abuse is a problem; but I have another part developed in me.... And that part is working; its gaining... even tho I have history of being sexually abused; Im still making headway with he success stuff Im interested in; I've had to blow up walls and holes that were stopping me; and I still am.... And I continue to develop in this area.
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what does this mean; it means Im a damaged person that is heading toward a goal... whenI get their; I'm still damaged but satisfied.
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I attend 12 step meetings all the time; I would never attempt recovery alone.. never; or to have success. never.
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Attitude is everything and is he most sought after experience or skill and it requires all other...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 8 times

Music

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 18, 2020 1:39 am

I started out in life loving music and wanting to play instruments; of course this never happened because of the psychopaths I was living with.
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later; when I had to move around to house to house with people that looked down on me and thought I was filth trash. I was not allowed to be me; to be myself; I was suppose to play this weirdo nothing slave like character; this loser that was suppose to look up to that like they were my massa- Yez- massa- No! Massa-; what ever you say massa- Like I was a slave from the 17th century.
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My ability to be free was silenced; I could not longer play music or be he depth filled person I was born to be; it was all taken; all of my identity was ruled out. I was ruined. And my thoughts concerning music and playing an instrument are all mangled and broken up; I have to work with God to change them so I can be myself again; this will take some work...
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I find I dissociate everything Ive written above.... It goes away... Im trying hold on to it. Its not easy....
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Bulling;
I want to get over bulling. I have bad faces and things from the past. I didn't ask for it; and I dont know how to process it accept through emir and new visualizations; changing my thinking....
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Its hard to change my thinking but Im willing to do it; ive been holding on to memories that I had not seen for a long time within myself. and Its all I had but they were fake people I was associating with.
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So; I have allot of bad people that got away with murder concerning me... Im in pain. Lots of overwhelming pain.
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I have to get rid of this fear of attack or that I can be used and bowled over so easily; Like I cannot protect myself; and is all PTSD.. Im getting their; Im dealing with a horrible thing right now to get over this; its tied into my early childhood and through my early 20s and more...... Unbelievable.
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Im not sure what to do about bulling; I have to or want to get over it.... it hurts; the humiliation.
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Im trying to come back to being the real me. its hard; I dont want to be closed out....

0 Comments Viewed 91 times

Im not hating life right now

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 16, 2020 4:46 am

Im beginning to memorize again; this is what is needed in school to succeed...
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Im not in normal school right now... Or am I. Im in that learning mode. So; Im working on things...
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Im doing more than learning on things. Im studying music; this time to perform. In order to perform I have to memorize; and Im learning how right now.
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Half able to feel part of things again... How do I say this? Im in a lot of 12 step meetings and feeling better about it.
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Im feeling like Im more part of a family system; Never thought that would ever happen again never. IT means Im getting my childhood memories back; Im remembering when I felt safe as a child for a few years; My memories; and the independence I felt and thought; and its transferring from then to now...
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In the near past; I could not be in a house or a neighborhood ever again.
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Im starting to feel half way a part of things...
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Im not sure; I Was at a meeting tonight and someone said their life was a Lot Lot better and they give the credit to God; It wasn't them; they just followed God.
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So; Im starting to memorize. and its been 50 years.
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The last time I remember processing anything was during a time period of this movie; Bless he beasts and he children. Or; that was the song.... Or; The bed wetters; that may have been the movie...
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Perfect; and their It is; Alive again in my mind; and the reason; because Im coming up to speed; up to that time period; yes; Im not fully their yet; meaning; here; but dam. Im getting their. all worth it. That was the last time I processed my feelings and felt powerful in my personal life; not under terror.... terror had not happened yet. But it will very soon after this; and I had no idea it was coming. Now; Im coming back. And I loved this movie and it was my time; just like young people today; it is your time.. same thing.
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Bless the Beasts and Children is a 1971 film adaptation of the novel of the same name written ... The designation "Bedwetters" applies especially well to Gerald Goodenow, the sixth member of the group, who often wets the bed at night – a ...
Release date‎: ‎June 1971 (West Germany); This was a film about the young people and how they felt vs the older generation. My generation was. " We are the young generation; and we've got something to say"..... 1963 to about 1972.... I was born in 62... So; I was right in the middle of it....
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So; Things are picking up for me; Im still not present. But Im slowly participating in life again; taking chances to begin small things that are building my life... Im not so detached as before... Im starting to wake up again. But its more then wake up.... Im starting to live again and feel again; but in a kind of controlled therapeutic way; Im still in the hospital; if you will; Im not able to handle the outside world yet; but Im getting closer; more confidence; it will happen. But its slow work when one has been destroyed.

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real changes

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:26 pm

Real things are going on; moving forward; on n on and getting better about my understanding of how or why I change my thinking.
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My goal is success; I take this to the universe. Unfortunately I have a thug mentality; this means I want to be worshipped like a God when I haven't earned it; I pat myself on the back because Ive survived bad things and that qualifies me as a thug; an identity that not everyone can be a part of. However, the real world for thugs is not real; its violence and death and other illegal substances; and those substances can also include bad or evil or violent thinking.... Basically a thug is violence; nothing more; it's an on off switch of street soldier mentality. In my opinion thugs are either complete sociopaths or on drugs; drugs that make them psychopaths or act out in behaviors of psychopaths... or a combination of both.
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Heres the problem; do I want to be the top of thug heap and admired; top of the savages; that would feel righteous and good; or do I want allot of money! ITs as simple as that....
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What I think when I wake up in the morning will determine what level of vibration Im on for the day. If Im thinking about money; piles of it; vats of it; boxes full of it; and I see it in my head with a favorable opinion; thats what will be brought to me at some point because thats what Im focusing on. Momentum is not strong at first; Im not up to speed; Ive got a journey to experience that brings that vibration up to a high mark and a journey that will close the get; thus; taking me to the money; but if I continue to see money in my head and align my vibration with my inner beings and we are in unison and Im willing to stay at a positive High vibration during the day; Ill soon be presented with opportunities to receive money or a pathways that will lead me to such things; such riches.
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My most important and sought after riches?; a good attitude. A good attitude is my number 1# riches; for with a pleasing and prosperous and enthusiastic attitude about any movement; I can go anywhere and do anything and Ill appreciate it and love it; and Im working toward this and it puts a smile on my face and in my heart.... It is my number one goal and it is right with God, with man, with my heart and with me... Its a great thing to work toward...
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The work is in the pathways.
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My thinking is the problem; when I think about money or something else I want; for a split second I see what I want with a favorable attitude; then suddenly it goes bad; its warped and filled with fear and anger; the thoughts; and suddenly flashbacks and bad thinking of bad people; people who I have resentments for; it all creeps in and weakens my original attempts at focusing on what I want; So; their it is; theirs the problem; my thinking meanders to bad people and places and things and this thinking takes me over and for some reason; I blame you and everyone else because of how Im thinking; its the worlds fault; and this type of attitude is thuggery; Its born of thuggery; giving me a reason to be a thug; but what about the money; who's going to concentrate on the money....
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So; when Im at a higher level of feelings; pathways open up around me and will I take the oopporulntity?
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How bad do I want the money; have I been focusing on the money or the lack of the money in my life. So; the work is to focus on the money; and if I get bad thoughts popping in; pull out immediately; go general; switch thinking; think about something else. Then go back to the money thoughts; practicing over n over; more n more n more; any negative thoughts that I stray to; get out of them and go general and then go back to the money thoughts and keep at it for the rest of my life. Soon; pathways will open that lead to the money.
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The vibration must be strong enough to attract what I want. So; momentum must build; this does not happen at the beginning of my fantasy; it must be built. Over time it becomes...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 46 times

Identity

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:52 pm

I was in a meeting and a brother from my original grouping was on the fare side of the room. It hurts; he is my enemy; not my friend. He was never my friend; and I think the core of me always knew that but I didn't.
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I always wanted to see my mother and father as the best of people and my brothers; in reality; no brothers; just strangers who were never on my side and still are not.
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At the meeting; I went up to the coffee machine and grabbed a cup; he was sitting 6 feet away; I ignored him. That last time; several years ago; I was in his car; he made a suggestion because of my economic situation that I was trash; I immediately went silent; I would never associate with that person ever again; and I haven't... covert is what I would call these type of people; they are not what they seem; its like someone stealing from the bank but smiling to their manager as if everything is on the up n up.
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At the meeting I backed away from him; said nothing. later something happened that slighted me from his behavior; I wont go into it... it was an act of passive aggression.... or aggression.... covert; thats the best way to describe him; covert; Im starting to see what he is really like; who he really is; its like looking at a spider; and its the same behavior as the others from that family system; its not a family; I don't know what to call it; psychopathic system that I was unfortunately thrown into...
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So; this is no friend; and thats the 6 year old in me being defeated again by these ######6 monsters... And I feel defeated; like they got me again; I must turn to God for help; get on my knees and start over; but they use this family thing against me; thats what monsters do; they have no values... lawless.... So; I have to wake up and see them for what they are and get as fare away from them as possible; but I wont do this until I learn my lesson that they are black widow spiders that bite and the venom will destroy.. I haven't learned my lesson yet... Im trying to; I guess God is trying to wake me up possibly and get my focus within my mind on what I want instead of what Im missing. My mind randomly goes back intimate to different time periods with this family system and I have to learn the hard way to put my mind on something else with value and stop making these people out to have value when they did not have any value; no value... I have to learn the lesson.
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And I have to grow up a bit; but be nice to myself and work with the universe and work with others that can help.
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The problem is; the innocent child in me wants to look at the surroundings of the past as innocent and nice; but in reality; it was filled with monsters that never liked me the child or me the adult; and that is a horrible horrible horrible thing for me to deal with; its way over the core of my head considering how much dependency I had on those people to survive economically socially; schooling; the whole process of my young life.
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As I talk about it and bringing up schooling; I see I put it all in their hands; now I would like to go back in time and re examine what I can do for myself; taking back my own power during those times..
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Ive see what these people are like that I came from; the sad horror is; they were never on my side or my friends or cared what happened to me; I was hated but did not notice....
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I am not wanted by them; but of course; this is because they have stolen the family money from me; my share.
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However, there was no family; the mother in this case is a psychopath and I have no relationship with; and that is hard because I have no come to grips with any of this altho I talk like I have. Im in much denial about what really happened and what I was believing at the time. In other words; I was building a life on top of a satanic mill and never knew until the roof collapsed and I was sucked down inside the furnace and destroyed... Now I'm trying to get out and Im getting knifed...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Jan 12, 2020 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

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