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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1085)
Archives
- September 2020
Dealing with women and the process of a wife
   Thu Sep 24, 2020 7:55 am
Creating a new vision for the future
   Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:04 pm
Dating; getting left behind
   Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:32 am
CPTsd; Im starting to understand a need for a cure
   Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:06 am
Pure evil
   Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:09 pm
changing my attitude about people
   Tue Sep 08, 2020 12:27 am
Third level; hard earned.
   Mon Sep 07, 2020 1:11 am
Im finally starting to figure somethings out
   Thu Sep 03, 2020 10:26 am

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Dealing with women and the process of a wife

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Sep 24, 2020 7:55 am

If I have a war; its with women. But its a silent war... Ive been like a little kid in front of a computer screen that would some day like a girlfriend. I have to go from the computer screen to the real world. Im thrust out into the real world to fast; I missed to many safe steps to prepare me. So; their is part of the work. And then outside; I missed to many exposure and experience steps outside from me to her... And then meeting her is a world of exposer and experience in its self. And this takes time.
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Going to the places to meet women; this seems like adult stuff; its way over my head; all of this. Everything dealing with women. I need more experience; I feel like a toddler... I need more time. To be around the right kind of women that will not reject me but love me; that see my worth and value; that is the place I want to go.

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So; I have to accept myself as a toddler and gain experience.... I have to ask God to bring me a bunch of mothers to dot over me and give me love and attention to grow me up; But this is serious stuff; this is the me raped and torn to pieces that needs someone to care about me... So; quality women that do Gods work.
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Lately ive been giving myself to monsters; female monsters to be my mother and hold me and take care of me. Once they see the real me and that Im a real human being; Im stripped of my life and eaten alive; they turn on me and eat me and quickly find a new boyfriend right now and get me out of the picture and them safety with someone else on the other side ; Im the enemy of weakness they hate; they hate everything about me.... they are my enemy and I never saw it coming; I didnt wanted to know. I just didnt want to know; I just was so exhausted. Nothing makes any sense; so Im taking it all to the universe.
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Im suggesting Im to good to be used.... And I want someone better. And Ive found myself going to weird places for a wife.... strange; but Ive gotten experience at some levels but no wife. Maybe I never wanted one from those places I just wanted to use the women to help me grow up. But I never had the guts to actually tell them because I would get a commitment. It was the little child in me that couldn't speak yet that wanted them. When they found out I was a little child in side; they turned on me and tried to kill me; kill and abandon the child inside me.... They were never safe and I didnt care. it was thrill for me if I could pull it off. But I never pulled it off.
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The women did want to take care of me; but they found out soon enough it did not matter to me if they were the right women for me; I was prejudice against them and thought I was 2 good for them; And finally ignored them. I would have given them a chance if they were not the type of women to look at other men... when they started that it was over right then.
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So; I got something from being around her; a whole experience; but I looked at it like it took me into a dream world with my mother; she was my mother and I was back being a child again. And It was like a giant fantasy but then it all came to a holt when she wanted attention from other men because I was not responding to her or going any further with her. But if she had gone further with me I would have gone further with her but she did not; instead she just switched lanes and got another guy; and did it shamelessly in front of me. So; this was not my friend or someone on my side. And this was a dangerous women in a dangerous place to allow the child in me to come out. And I gained that experience but got no further. But it was an adventure; but a sad ending; I would like one with an ending where no one gets used or hurt. And that is up to me and requires that I talk to the person about things.
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Im not sure where Im coming from when dealing with women; they are not good enough for me and 2 good for me.... way to good; so fare up the latter are they; Im no good for anyone. I just want someone to understand...

[ Continued ]

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Creating a new vision for the future

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:04 pm

Im going from a closed in world of living at 12 step meetings to the outside world. Its time to change.
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The problem is within my mind; I see all this abandonment from the past. So; Ill put it all down on paper; all of the views of what I had and lost or what ever I see in my mind and then re create a new vision for each thought on the other side of the page of what I want for my life...

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Dating; getting left behind

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:32 am

God/universe sends women to me; I freeze up; I dont ask them out; they give up; They are taken by another man.
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I come home; I feel safe; but the child in me is wondering why I didnt ask them out; they were sent by God and the child within me knows it. I the adult am scared to death; coward-ess and I loose the girl. Or its the other way around.
C PTSD/Dissociative Disorder.
THe child in me wont let go. THe adult has to take over if I am to date someone. THe child stops everything; every time. This has been going on all my life. Im o so frustrated. Just lost another one. I tell myself all the horror stories of the person. But in reality; she would have been a dedicated nice girl for me who would not have caused any problems. But I would not take a chance and find out. I swear; Im making a plan; and the next girl that God sends me. No more thinking; just run up and get her number and start dating; because the child in me comes up with every excuse from the past of what will happen to me; all the PTSD comes up... Nonsense. I have to learn about the dating game; first I have to date her before Im making dating decisions; not before; being cautious is ridiculous. People who want something in life take chances; its that simple. I tried to tell myself she wasn't safe; but the child in me and God told me she was my best friend.
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Heres the deal; I wanted her from the beginning; next time; ask her out; period; no thinking.....
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Im making decisions on people based on nothing. I must go out with them and find out what happens. That might hurt; but it hurts having women like me and then I give them no response.
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First problem; what if they say no; What if Im wrong; what if they dont want to go out with me; I just think they do..... The point is; if I think they do; then ask them out and go out with them and then find out;
I will watch them and calculate if they are going to be safe...
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Im addicted to being safe because I will get hurt. The problem is; It matters not; because Ill never ask anyone out anyway. I just wont. So; Im addicted to caution
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I see myself going out with this intellectual girl; nice; introvert; never happen; Why? because its all based on thinking. What I need to do is a healthy does of real dating; all kinds of women; that means dating... dates..... more than dates; sex; dating, all of it. girlfriends. all of it first.
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I have to shut down the caution buttons and go for it. So; that is the goal. As I write this; more caution buttons come in from another side.
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I was imagining telling this last girl how I really felt; I was looking her in the eyes and face and pulling her off to the side and saying; " I know you were my soulmate; I was in love with you. You were my best friend; I know that" " I know you would not have hurt me. I know you would not have gone out on me. I know that"..... But when I say that; something horrible rises inside of me; swells up; its a part of me that is trapped; the raped child in me; and he closes the system down. So; I must keep it open so I can live again.
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Its hard and its simple. I have to say yes to women that want to date me... And I feel the fear and anger and the humiliation from the past. but this is not the past. this is now; and I have to learn the hard way or any way I can. IF I want to go out with someone; I ask them out and keep the thinking down; dont think; nothing.
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I create a complete scenario in my head of what will happen.
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Im not suggesting all of them are safe. I dont know. but I have to work to get to safe people and then ask them out. Something .

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CPTsd; Im starting to understand a need for a cure

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:06 am

Im starting to get it. I hang out at meetings with criminals; basically they are all criminals. One of the new girls who is just getting off drugs likes me... She is shady and beat up looking and not very pretty' 8 month ago. Some how after watching her innocence toward me; and I fall for it; I start to fall in love with her and accept her. However, Understand this. She smiles at me and says hi but I do nothing about it because Im still too sick; dissociative disorder. And I blame her for this? I seem to think at that moment she knows what she is doing. The fact is; if I wanted to go out with her; I had my chance at that time. But I never took it. IF I wanted to go out with her or felt it was safe enough I would have. I was waiting and waiting to see what happens; it never occurred to me she would go out with someone else secretly. but then I forgot or didnt want to understand that she was a criminal. why wouldn't she be dishonest and covert.
Please remember; Im not a criminal. I used drugs from the age of 12 to 17; mostly mild drugs; I was thrown away and had no family; nothing... By the time im 17 Im beginning to try harder drugs and end up in the hospital on an overdoes. The point is; im still a middle class kid experimenting with drugs.. mild criminality; mischief. Im trying to make a point... Im not a hardened jail recipient at DOC. This is important; very important to the story.

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Later after completely loosing it; im in my 20'es; I start to drink. And at the end of my 20's I have a drinking problem; I tried to kill myself because of the pTsd; I end up in the hospital; later I get out; Im introduced to recovery and the rest is history; Im in those meetings for 25 years... Im 57 and now finally getting better.
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So; 8 months ago; a young women is in the meetings and she likes me; she should; im an excellent speaker and not a criminal; must have looked nice... I originally am from a middle class background. Im an InTp introvert.
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Before I was put on social security;
when I drank I was almost homeless and then homeless for a year; not able to have relationships or work; DID/CPTSD/AVPD. I didnt drink while homeless; I had no money; and was already done with the idea.
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So; I ended up in allot of 12 step groups where I was safe from killing myself; I didnt drink anymore. Drinking was a problem because I had no other life... I was dying inside and drinking slowly picked up but not that bad. But just enough to throw it over the edge; So; technically I have a problem.
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In meetings I quality to be their; only because I have a desire not to use anything or drink. I never told anyone I was a criminal like many of the others; or a sociopath or narcissist. Because; thats who's in these meetings; the chemical based addiction meetings; or alcohol. Im probably the only person who ever went to those type of meetings who has never cheated on anyone ever in his life. I havent. Most of the people in those places did not believe me. Remember; im dealing with full criminals here.
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Ok; on with the story. So; Im an intellectual person; lonely; not able to interact very well with anyone; that is finally changing because of the work with C PTSD and success based thinking.
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So; this young women is getting recovery; and she likes me and I pray about it; and I started liking her after a few months. But I didn't say anything or do anything. As I felt better I wanted to approach her maybe; but not yet; but she never showed up enough; and I thought; if she liked me; why wasn't she here all the time to see me. And their it is; In fact; I could stop this story right there. Because their is the inconsistency to show something is not right here... its murky; So I just wrote her off. And later interacting with her will be murky. Remember; Im not a criminal and Im in a room with criminals and Im acting like everything is fine and everything is safe; and this is...

[ Continued ]

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Pure evil

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:09 pm

I remember the first girl I loved; I loved nothing; I loved God and the energy was flowing through me to have a girl I could love; I attracted a monster; I dont know why; I attracted a sociopath at age 14; I did; not strange; my first best friend was a kind of sociopath... he will turn into a monster later; he was from a rich family; I didnt really know him very well; or what I was getting into; pure evil; in the end he was not my friend; he was a stranger and I never knew it. He was a stranger because we had nothing in common within us; I had God; he and his family thought they were God; pure evil type; not good; stay away…
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The first girl I fell in love with was fake or false situation; false start; mistaken identity. She was pure evil but I did not know. In fact; red flags went off at first; looking back; I didnt care. She later said I meant nothing to her; God showed Me; that was Satan slamming the door behind me... She was a daughter of Satan and nothing more. In fact; I was not suppose to be their; it may have been God that got me out of their; I was crushed and destroyed. but why could I have not loved a nice girl and had a normal life. She may have been calling out to God/Jesus for help. Satan said to me; “ God I know, Jesus I know, The Holy Spirit i know, But you Omnicell; who are you?” And satan beat me to a pulp and through me out onto the street. And i walked away from that street; and I saw Satan; And satan told me that the girl was his and the street was his and everything that lived on it. And told me to stay away. I told Satan I wanted the girl; He told me she belonged to him. And then he told me its Because she wanted it that way and suddenly slammed the door in my face and all was gone.
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I went back to God…. broken; heart broken, disillusioned mortified and a retard. It seemed I was a retard when dealing with life. But God pointed something out to me. “ Omnicell; you came back to God; not satan. You always come back to me; said God”. “ Omnicell” “ The others; when they are broken; they go back to satan because Satan is their father… You always come back to me because you are innocent and I have always been your father… And you naturally always come back to me.
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I have to learn that i am as dumb as a stump and completely blind when i first pick the road im suppose to go down; Im completely lost; Im a small child hidden within the walls of imagination and when i attempt to pick the right road in real life; i am wrong. So; i need help picking the right road to go down…. If i turn and am on the right road; i will find the right friends and my wife; she will be waiting for me somewhere down the right road; and the right road is in the direction of God not Satan.
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Captain save a Devil girl has to park his ship. Captain save a Ho White Knight must put his cape up and retire….
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Lately I was groomed and distantly and mildly love bombed by a narcissist; I never saw it coming. But what she did next startled me. She began the process of grooming me through fake physical gestures of attraction; they were authentic; but not real. And im processing this acting job; it affected me; stunned me; but it was just an acting job; not real; and that is sickening; it scares me and scares my heart; all of this. its beyond sickening; its like dealing with a white spider slowly waking up; with its hands and arms silhouette to the background slowly moving around and waving and stretching; creepy.
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She loved bombed me... its all fake. I dont know why she took an interprets in me; I guess sport; I fell for it kind of; I saw red flags so I was cautious but I fell in love with her... I was over taken by the whole of the situation and fell for her. I was crushed by doing so. All of her mannerisms were fake; I thought they were real. Her love bombing was simply acting out for the moment; spontaneous pleasure seeking expressing. I thought s...

[ Continued ]

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