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OMNICELL
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- May 2020
The idea of never dating women ever again
   Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

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The idea of never dating women ever again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

Im starting to accept that I won't ever date women again; Ill die alone instead. Im starting to make friends again. I have CPTSD and have had full dissociative disorder; AVPD/agoraphobia.
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Im getting better on all front; well; thats not entirely correct. IT is correct; but maybe not that fast. Im willing to explore; Im ignoring the idiots in the world and Im finding myself alone with no love interests; nothing. I looking at this from a God point of view; the universe sending me the right people. Something is horribly sickeningly wrong here... Its like dealing with evil; pure evil; im not willing to deal with it.
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Im starting to reach out to others and make friends; I walk up to them and tell them I want to talk; and make friends with them. I tell them we are friends. I ask them to step outside and talk; and I stand with a group of guys and talk.
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Im changing; the biggest change is DJ track making producer song writer. This is "work"; for those who can accept it. My identity is changing. ITs happening for me. When I finish my first singable song; a women friend will be singing it. Does this make me someone in a giant profession; no! However, its a start. Its a strange start; Ive been scared to death to loose out; to loose everything; Im scared to have things; what if someone comes in like when I was young and takes them all away; thats a true horror fear and something Im scared to death of. I dont want to go through more loss and be completely alone; like being in a genocide where everything is stripped from me. I dont want this anymore. I feel the same fear with women; I dont want someone taking themselves away from me like all the people of my youth; and I dont want someone around me that doesn't care that ive been through bad things in my past and destroyed; I want someone that is deadly serious about this; and respects me and wants me safe....
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Im so tired of being around women that dont care about me; Im lost and so confused. Im simply around a dead end. its like an empty radial signal; nothing..... But I like my life; my life is picking up and Im moving on away from yet; more potential women that were never potential women I guess; potential for dating or as a girlfriend. But ive not changed; Im still valuable but they write me off as a fool. Do I sound like a fool in my writings? yes? ridiculous nonsense.
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I dont know what to do. I can't trust deceptive people; impossible. I dont know where to go; who to meet.. I dont know where to meet or find someone that values me; I dont know... I truly dont know. Im played by women as if Im a fool... I dont appreciate it; I won't talk to them again ever; but that leaves me not talking to 99% of them; I end up talking to married women; they are all I know; their husbands get mad at them for talking to me. Im lost; I dont have a clue; I dont know; I dont know; I dont know....
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As for women; Nothing.
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No frequency
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Ive never had any women ever value me; nothing. zero; Nothing. No connection; completely looked over; never seen; no one as ever seen me; nothing.
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The only women I was ever interested in; she said later that I meant nothing to her. How can this be. Im a person of value; how can I mean completely nothing to someone... How dare someone talk at this nature of things; its an abomination against God; Sickening... its twisted evil...
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Im getting used to the idea of getting better focusing on becoming the person I wanted to become and alone; just myself; no significant other; nothing. Im stronger now; and Im getting old; its unbelievable; all of this. Is it really this hard for God to match me up with someone one earth; really? really? this hard?.
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I do not know who to date?
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I simply do not know nor have I ever known any women I wanted to date because they were deceptive; so I gave up and walked away defeated; I cannot fight evil; Im not interested...

[ Continued ]

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Next social level is revealed to me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:55 pm

Im now remembering my childhood; not all of it; but allot of things and allot of the house I came from and my bedroom and things. And Im remembering what it was like being in my bedroom and what I did and day dreaming and being me and dreaming and thinking about my future. And so; my identity is getting stronger.
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Ive scarified allot in order to get my identity back; I never thought I would ever get this far.
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Im at a lot of meetings; as I slowly learn to define my space and social position in those meetings; I realized something today. As I get stronger and more solid; would it be possible to feel that solidness anywhere? Could I get to a place where I feel safe all day long no matter where I go.
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Could I practice feelings safe and whole at other places besides a 12 step meeting. its the first time ive felt this way since being a child; but then Ive not had my memories either. And this would be the first time I attempted to take self out of the meetings and apply somewhere else as the real me; feeling self empowerment; being present; being the higher level character self; Being me other places besides meetings.
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Could I learn to be my free self with confidence anywhere. if so; why would I have to go back to meetings.... That is what Im working toward; this idea of looking at that world as a place I can be and feel safe; at specific places. This is something for me to work toward.
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IT hit me today; all of this. It starts in my apartment. I then is practiced at meetings and then Ill take it other places. Its about feeling good inside and being me in other places; conferrable in other places. Not freaked or needy or hyper vigilant.... This is truly a break through for me; The idea. Because if I can pull it off; why would I have to go to meetings to share and be myself if I could do it anywhere... possibly I would look for more sophisticated places to be myself.
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The general public is still rude and crude concerning my condition; meaning; when Im practicing social; they want to slam me down verbally, verbally put me in my place; keep me in a holding patter. hopefully I will mature out of all this and move on to better things; but thats through experience.
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The point is; Im trying to do trauma work in places not set up for sensitive victims of trauma; and that can be dangerous and like walking a tight rope;. Ive have numerous mistakes and altho its an art form; Ive had the paint plashed in my face many times and violently at times; verbally and physically; so; its like a balancing act in these places with the general public who would not appreciate my condition; would not have a clue.
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So; Im not back yet; meaning; my full personality where I feel good and developing and safe; with this; Ill have to take it up with the universe to get me to the right people and places and things. And I would like to feel safe where I live; Ill take it up with the universe. The problem is; when I felt safe; it was for a few years when very young. And Im not in that house anymore; I get triggered when I feel safe because I want to go home and can't go home to that house when I was young. I can in my imagination; and God has given me that. hopefully I can bring up the rest of my memories in imagination from that good time period and start building a deeper identity and become me again.

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New Social capacity; from anti social to getting help

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Apr 02, 2020 5:22 am

Had some bad events happen; necessary I guess from the higher form of universal intelligence; my higher power; creating situations that curtailed many social experiments and false support; to getting back on my feet reaching out to new support.
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With a background like mine; the middle class just won't do. I need anti social traumatized people; broken injured people looking for change within the recovery process who are heading back to the middle class. And Im finding it.
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When one has CPTSD and looking for help and connection; church is the last place on earth to go. So; I go into the recovery rooms looking for people just like myself.
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Lately Ive let go or working on letting go or accepting that Ive let go of several people who had no business in my life to start with; one more set of fake integers stealing me blind predatorizing in one for or another.
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The opportunity to meet and visit new people was opened to me. I took it. That is important; I took it; it was opening up to me.. And I took it. I visited today; it was the beginning of a new era for me. Im slowly coming back to my own version of the middle class.
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I had middle class friends when a child; but when I was hurt; they all abandon me. I was not just devastated; I was in shock. And curious; How could this be; Why was I being blamed for what abusers did to me. Later I learned they never liked me or accepted me in the first place; I never knew because I was 2 young; its sickening; but I was 2 young. I did not know the evil of man or its children.
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So; finally now; as I slowly get better and choose to go forward with my life; new people are presented to me that represent a merrier of myself; someone trying to get back into the middle class from an anti social protectant position. Using middle class people for this would be worthless; it has to be broken anti social people who are purposely struggling to find their way back; with Gods help; to middle classism. And I am no different; and it's working. and its good to have friends. Its a bit different I mean; and its strange. Im a decent innocent person from the middle class when I was a child and I shall return to it but not by way of middle classism or its people. Instead; I go to the house of the broken and forge a new path with other brothers to this destination of sanity; the middle class.
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God is working in my life and leading me to the right people and places and things.
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I tell God what I want; I dont ask. I tell God as if Ive already been doing it and thanking him for it.
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The next area Ill keep working on is a wife.

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accepting the end of the past; a brother

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 24, 2020 4:41 pm

I have one brother from my past Im working through denial concerning. He ran me over emotionally when young; he is a criminal sociopath. So; I was manipulated and used as supply to be taken advantage of. and it worked; I was used as supply; I took a subordinate position because I had no one else after being thrown away as a child. I was completely alone and in traumatic shock at which I will stay and get worse with time until Im completely dissociative and not present anymore.
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I did not know what a criminal was; and did not know he was a sociopath and been one long before I discovered it. And I was being used the whole time. I did not know; I should have been scared and alert and on guard but did not understand. I did not understand the red flags and he was my only brother left. The only family member I could be close with as a family; I clung on to him.
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When I look back I see a brother; in reality; after he turned into a sociopath; their was no brother; their may never have ever been a brother; but instead a stranger playing a covert narcissistic roll. I had no idea who this was. Or I was in a state of confusion and denial about what was really going on and in all innocence continued to see him as a brother...
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Im having a hard time letting him go; Im grieving as if he is my older brother; but in reality; this is my view from television; I wanted him to play the role I saw on television show; and thats how I choose to see him and could never let go of this dream; if I had to let go of this dream I was broken hearted and broken hearted again. I wanted control so I could survive.
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So; my mother died; a psychopath; I was left nothing in the will; However, other things were left to me from another relative... My brother the criminal scooped it up; pushed it under the rug and theirs no proof of it or mention of it... I lost what was left to me from another relative; Id have to go to court to get it. My mother tried to get these things from me while still alive out of hatred; She was also a criminal.... same level.
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The point is; this brother is a sadistic sociopathic criminal and nothing more; their is no brother here; this is a criminal that is covert and stealing from other including me; or swindle others out of their stuff; and its worked. I feel so insecure when I say it and see it and feel it; the feelings of insecurity and being alone hit me and scare me to death.
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The problem is; I have to stop looking at this person as a human being and a brother; and that is hard; really really really hard because Id have to stop looking at him as a part of my life as a child. All of it has to be changed.
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Im getting stronger and Im more willing to see this for what it really is; but is shakes up my whole childhood experience it; it destroyed how I viewed everything as a child.  This breaks my view of childhood. And that is to hard for me right now. However, Im getting stronger and its just a matter of time before I can see clearly and need to be concerned clearly; this is not a friend of mine and is no family member with me... no connection; I guess Im mad that he pulled the rope out first; disentangled himself and cut the ties with me; did it long before I knew what happened.
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So; Im trying to work through the grieving and heart break of all this; working through the grieving process. Im stuck in it; So; instead of flight or fight; Im heading out to the community and getting help for it; Im not staying in isolation and brewing on it until I go crazy. And this is something I never did when dealing with trauma in situations like this; I just held it all in and walked around as a victim of criminals....
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The way he talks to me is of someone that is owed something; like he's entitled because the world did him in so I owe him because I represent society that he never got to be apart of; Im not a person; Im just another number of society he has the right to destroy because ...

[ Continued ]

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movement in spirituality

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:00 pm

Things can change for me if I want them to. Im not suggesting it's easy to face; I have so many flashbacks and negative thoughts attack me. However, I have a good voice; a voice that is reassuring. the problem is the other part of me that gets scared; and Im hoping to work through that with meditation.
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The point is; with CPTSD; Im starting to understand whats happening; and the voice has been changed; but the visualizes have not been changed. I need new thoughts and to believe them; thoughts of hope and to believe them. I think this is possible.
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I have learned-helplessness and I see thoughts of my childhood and expectations and hope and all is destroyed and I dint want to see that anymore; I want new thoughts to go with my new voice. I am working on it; giving it a chance; I can see possibilities; Im not sure what to work on through this. But Ill try some things. I want to feel safe and free and be myself in the outside world; I can kind of see it now as Im writing. It has to do with how I feel about myself and being inline with myself.
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I want to put out more work concerning CPTSD; getting better; getting over the deeper self hate and hopelessness and I think I can pull this off; my mind is weak tho; so I must train it. I want the future to look bright....
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Im no longer interested in what narcissists were planning against me; to destroy my life; which they were doing all my life; I want them written off and I getting on with my life the way it was. suppose to be. Thats what Im working on and looking for....

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