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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2020
more topic posts from other sites
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm
Something happened on line with a comment
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm
Trust
   Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

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more topic posts from other sites

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm

Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
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Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

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Terror; Who said coming back into life from CPTSD that I was only going to be scared.
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Im terrified; Im triggered; Its all coming back; so what! O Well!
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Im in Terror; Im not just scared... and it will remain until I finish a project Ive started; something for the real world.. Ill need all the help I can get.
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Im working on something and it must be good; well done.
What im learning; Im not reacting like the regular people; scared and nervous; Im terrified. And terror will stay with me; its not cooling out; my choice to continue; Welcome to CPTSD.
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I have CPTSD and its been a long long time since I lived a life and Im walking back into my life and Ill need help doing it; real help; I may have to have people sit with me while I finish my projects. Sit with me while they get ready to be evaluated. And thus; Im back in my life.
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I have terror; not just fear and it doesn't go away; so welcome to CPTSD land. Im not like the regular people; or maybe I am and have never had to face real world present problems because Ive never been sane; I dont know. Things are changing; more is expected of me.
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Im learning to ask for help; thats laughable; Ill need help every second; all along the journey; all the time; cant be done alone...
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Old narratives; I can play them all night long; and they stab me to death; doesn't matter; Ill have to bring others in so Im not alone; stay present.... My nervous system isn't like others; O well!
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Its about character; I earn a new way of thinking; Im not God; I have to do the footwork... I did not learn about this until well into my recovery; this is not a beginning recovery concept; it comes much later...
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Im not God; I have to do the footwork... Thank God I have to do the footwork; it just may save me in the end; but I cant do it alone. Ill have to open up to others and ask for help along the journey.
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Anyone relate?
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Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
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Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

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Something happened on line with a comment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm

I was on one of my CPTSD sites and someone left me a comment; after I posted. This was a women who got a bit closer in her comment; a bit more direct. She mentioned about re mothering. I freaked out because she got so close to the problem; I could feel the hatred and anger and aggression and massive fear; but she was online; just a drawn face in a little box representing a real human somewhere. She wasn't real; I mean; I was feeling it because emotionally someone was getting close to me. This tells me I get triggered any time someone gets close. I got mad at her? not really at her but I was mad at her for getting that close without my permission because it could be damaging.
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What was interesting is; it was simply about someone getting close; it was not a real person I knew; was not personal; and this person commenting could not have any idea of who I was or where I came from or my background accept the post; nothing else; so what am I witnessing here.
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Im seeing that Im triggered by anyone getting close and my personalty turns vile; and it becomes personal in a way; like someone is personalty attacking me. Because this person is unknown; it is not personal; so its about me and not the other person; so; this is good info; but I still dont know what to do.
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What does this mean; its means that when women want to get close to me; if they get to personal I get freaked out and enraged out of fear... I dont trust them because they are without kid gloves when dealing with me.
So; how do I deal with women; I dont know; Ill take it to God and hope God brings me women smart enough to some how see that Im in pain or fear and know how to handle me; that is all I can think about.
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Ive been with women I was interested in and it didn't work; they turned out having no values or worth toward human beings; nothing and certainly had no value toward me; nothing; unbelievable; dealing with that level of filth. Godless and lawless; what was I doing their.
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So; Im stuck for now; I dont know how to proceed. I feel like I have to continually align with God; I have no other choice when it comes to women; I have to wait for the right one to show up; I feel so lost and stuck when it comes to women and love less; like no one wants to love me... nothing; no one. No one sees my real value or worth and I dont know how to get to that place to be around the right women that do; and Im working with God on this but I feel time is running out for me; Im getting old... non of this life makes any sense to me; nothing... I dont understand God; I feel like Im being kept in the dark on all things; no fun; and I feel I have no control; over my own life and God is not helping; I mean God is helping but Im having a hard time listening? Its like a cat n mouse game. I dont know. In the end I end up safe but without any kind of life? I dont know; thats how it feels. Im trying to work with God but I dont know. I dont feel safe at all at anything or around anyone.

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Trust

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

Ive been working on soulmate stuff for about 4 years; In the process I knew I had to change; In the process of change; the journey of change; Ive meet a few women along the way.
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lately I met another women; or saw her and waited cautiously to see if I wanted to move forward; I finally did; but with very mistrusting caution; and for good reason; I was not wrong; red flags are red red flags; However, I was able to further down my journey remarkably well; lots of ground conquered here; all leading to my end destination of soulmate.
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This last venture; she was physically closer then any of them from the past to what I was looking for; startling how the universe can replicate what Im thinking about. This time her personality and mine somewhat matched; we matched up in several areas including some forms of spirituality;
Unfortunately; she was 2 faced and deceptive; She was also checking out other guys in a most natural fashion. Soon; I could not go around her anymore; red flags; Id had enough of this. This was another example of " how" the universe can bring me what Im looking for.
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Biggest issues;
Trust and red flags...
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If I trust someone and im trusting; they shouldn't have a problem associating with me and I with them. This is the biggest problem; trust.
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My goal is to manifest what a friendship looks like on a day to day basis hanging out with my soulmate and trust issues; What is the kind of person Im looking for; how do they act; because I must trust them; and it must be shown to me; so, Ill have to manifest what I think trust looks and feels like. And this is hard just talking about; so; ive got my work cut out for me.
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Anyone relate. ....
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A sadistic view when dealing with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:43 pm

Ive been told I have a sadistic view when dealing with women; meaning my mother was a psychopath and I learned that love was hate and hate was love; at a brutal horrible level; and Im twisted from it; I was just talking to a women friend of mine all about it; she called the whole situation sadistic; I would agree; Ive been told it several times.
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Im attempting to work through my feelings about women and my past; so I can feel safe around women; I dont trust them. The goal is to date; feel safe enough to date; meaning having some control over what I want; and not the feelings of defending myself...
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Im trying to work through these feelings; feelings of a sadistic nature concerning my upbringing; it was not an upbringing; more a torture show.
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So; I have a sadistic view of women; a backwards view; I hate those that love me and I dont trust them at all and they have to prove themselves to me a thousand times or I want go near them again.
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I can't tell who likes me and who doesn't. I dont know who is gaming me or telling me the truth. I cant tell who is 2 faced and who is real.
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I do not trust women that they are honestly interested in me; I think they are interested in someone else while acting like their interested in me; but their actually completely interested in me; they always look off in some other direction to some other guy; glancing; and when that happens; I loose hope and interest...
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So; I have to seek help at some level to turn this around and now how to tell who is safe and who is not.
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When all of these feelings are worked out; I can bi pass the women that dont count and meet the ones of a more mature nature and go out with them; become friends with them... that kind of thing. ...
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ART;
Im making in roads to art; Im shaking peoples hands that Ill do the art I promised to make to put on a wall somewhere; art gallery wall; we will see. This journey is unfolding.
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Women;
This journey has been unfolding but has not started in the real friendship area; and this is where I have problems; imagining friendship with women; day to day stuff; seeing it in my head; visualizing it; this is the next area of work....

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Women and dating

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 29, 2020 1:21 am

IVe figured a few things out; but the problem with women are not figured out yet; its like a desert Ive not explored yet; maybe I dont want to know the answers; I dont know. Ive got more to open up about. possibly I need to be around people I feel safe with. The problem with women has been feeling safe around them and trusting them; trusting them and having women that respect me; if those 2 areas are not intact; forget it; I have no interest in them; nothing.
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So; it could be; I need to find or attract the right kind of women I guess. Maybe Im not around the right women or Im afraid they will find out Im not the kind of man they want to be around because Im lazy and havent done anything with my life. Or; Im scared to be scared because Im to lazy for all of this or to lazy to let women in to see any of this in the first place. Not sure.
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Ill work on this.
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I have to go inward with women and meet new women and be on my feet in new social events... around new people and new women and many things to have a life back and go after things...
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The key is to manifest what I want; I have to visualize; Ive gotten close. I mean; Ive visualized perfection; Perfection accept one thing; she had the right soul sensitivity; she had the right sounding values; she was reaching out to God and working in a church setting kind off... She was in a program learning about God.... She was trying to make changes in her life. She got as close to me physically as could be permitted under the situations; but a few problems arise. First, Im never really alone with her; Altho Im able to ask her out and to sit down with me and talk; and she flirts with me and is interested in me; she physically seems; Ive sat with her twice and talked. The next time I see her; she kind of writes me off as a fool; as if I have no value or status... She started doing this months earlier. She tried to get my attention before that; I could not respond because of my dissociative disorder.
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Next; on the boat; she is very close to me physically; but I already have things against her; in other words; she seems 2 faced; but she does seem innocent in her body language as she tries to get physically close to me. But Im not buying it; forget it; The problem is; 4 other guys on the boat with another few women on the boat and I dont think I was the center of her attention; she was giving attention to other guys as well; and that is the most brutal of red flags for me; its over right then; and I mean; three strikes your out. I clammed up. I never did come out of it for the rest of the camping trip. latter at a meeting in a few days I see her again; this time I give her no attention nothing; zero; as if I had never met her.
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And I dont think she cared. I remember her saying something about not being treated right; like others that were suppose to get close to her chose to stay away from her; but somehow; that wasn't about me; I wasn't even important enough to mention. Im trying to make a point. In my fantasies Im important to her; I think God has brought her to me; but way to many confusing red flags. So; I end up getting an experience that leads me closer to the center of my self; alignment...
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The point is; Character; values; Something like that; the lack of character; being 2 faced; and before not taking me seriously as someone with status? I wanted to be someone with status; I guess Im not. But if she thinks that; why should I bother with her; is this really someone God is bringing me or is this my ego.....
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As for manifesting a wife; Im getting extremely close to creating what I want; but one problem.
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RELATIONSHIP;
Ive manifested what they look like; their temperament; their religious background and their perceived value system or spirituality; This does not mean they have much of these values yet or spirituality. But I left something out;
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What does a relationship look...

[ Continued ]

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