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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- August 2020
working with the unviese; Laws of attraction
   Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:33 am

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working with the unviese; Laws of attraction

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:33 am

Social development; One of my manifestations has several minor manifestation; I would like the courage to get a car and afford it; a soulmate and keep her; attract her; talk to her; manifest one that is safe; I feel safe with and I can trust.... House, money, career, vacations; you feel me; the whole bag of goodies we all want. Im getting what I asked for; Im getting a second shot at my later childhood and beginning teenage years; its really simple; you need brothers; I hang out with people like me that dont want anything; they just like hanging out with me; and I with them; we are friends; going to 12 step meetings together and talking together; camping at bigger camp sites with a whole lot of other people. talking; we talk about what we need and how to get their emotionally to get back inline with life again. This is what I asked for.
Im about 2 years old from that age of dating; standing up to bullies; thinking about getting my first car; career stuff; first job; My maturity level; not my real age... my maturity level.
I can see it; Im slowly getting pulled back into that time period of learning again; missing the growing stuff I never got from a family system; the universe is supplying what I asked for. Im looking forward to working through it and getting through it; Should it take 2 years; I hope not; I dont think so. But I dont know; maybe I need that much experience; but I dont think so; want I need are specific experiences that build my confidence back the way a 14 year boy gets his confidence to ask girls out; I need that part of self re upped and ready to run; that revved up motoring; I need those real world experiences that get me back to being someone that Sells himself to get what he wants; not expecting anything from anyone. And their it is; hard interactions; learned chance taking in the real world of spontaneity.

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I might be single the remainder of my life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 29, 2020 4:08 am

I dont understand why this is so hard. I feel like God is not going to allow me to have a girlfriend. Ill die alone. What did I do to deserve this? what did I do to God... Theirs just no one.
Ill study more I guess. Here we go again; more time; more energy reading dating books on how to pick up women. How to be what their looking for; how to be a complete man nonsense.
I dont know. I have no idea. Im getting old. Ive never had a girlfriend. Nothing.
I just doesn't seem fair.... What did I to do God that he cant match me up with at least one person.
Safety is the number one issue for me; I have to feel safe; I dont want so 2 faced Ho around me. I want someone in their place and aligned with themselves and with God. No more games. ..
I just want someone nice. I have no idea where to go; nothing...
Ill keep working with God; but I really think Ill be single all my life. I see nothing; no one. Nothing.
I dont seem to b e attracting anyone; nothing. zero...

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Dating; and the problems Im finding

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 20, 2020 9:07 pm

Having girlfriends or women as friends that I want to date or be friends with and hang out with and do things with? hanging out and doing things with?; That is it; thats what Ive been so afraid of; living my life; doing the things I really enjoy doing and being myself outside with those that are like me. Im heading in that direction. Scares the hell out of me to start over; crazy unknown.
Im scared of relationships; horribly; Am I scared of having a girlfriend; Yes; because she will see Im purposely not living my life. Im not so scared of her as girlfriend. I realized my fear of dating or insecurity around it or low self esteem is because I will be found out; discovered that I dont have anything going on; nothing; with nothing to offer. What I mean is; Im actually afraid to be friends with women I find attractive and go do things. ITs the " go do things" part that scares me to death; maybe because Im broke; From the breakdowns I had years ago; they put me on social security and Im proud of not having any money; I hate it and feel so worthless because of lack of money; I hate this part of things.
Im scared to have women as friends because Ill be pulled back into a social life and found to be wanting or deficient and a hundred other fears. In fact; I have a phobia about anyone finding out about this; and its made me scared of women or getting started again in life. Having friends that are women is the start of a new life; I dont think I can make it or hack it.. Ill dissociate to much.
Ill have to face the things in life that Im scared of; and I mean it; Im terrified of all this.
At least Im starting to define some problems here.
Anyone relate?
How does this apply to the laws of attraction; Im in the middle of a soulmate hunt; But I cant get her until I change socially. I have lesser forms of agoraphobia now; but its still powerful... The point is; Im developing; much like a teenager for the first time; Trauma shot me off to the world. I protected my self within a giant dissociated shell; now its time to come out of that shell and look around. And Im literally scared to death of the first few steps... and the grief behind them.. and; can I protect myself this time.

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Ill be single for the rest of my life; I believe maybe

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 07, 2020 4:17 am

I may stay single for the remainder of my life. The universe has to bring the right people. And Im constantly missing the boat on this one. Im going to work harder on meditation and visualizing who Im looking for.
Im doing fairly well with my inner being and my personal work with self and assignment with the universe; but no women insight that I feel I can open up to and trust; trust is everything to me.
CPTSD has burned out all of play acting in me when it comes to relationships; I dont play games with people. I believe the right people for a relationship with be ( pause); the right people; it will be smooth transition; something natural; not something triggering me to death wondering if the other person might like me or they might have 5 guys in the wings as backdoor men.
Im describing what its like to want a wife when Ive been trapped by severe dissociative disorder and CPTSD for 2/3rds my life.
To come out of my shell into the real world his horrible on my trust ability; Someones potential to like me is not even close enough; its all about trust. if I think they are the type to betray someone; I walk back the way I came; I recede and go away; and Ive done this numerous times; so many times; I figure Ill probably be single for the remainder of my life.
By the time I get my life together; Ill be to old to have a girlfriend; Ive never had one ever; not the kind I liked and really wanted and wanted to go after and pursue; nothing. But Im fine... I take everything to God...
I dont feel safe sharing my feelings with people I dont think value me as much as I value them; they hide their secrets much more then I do.
I feel like I would ask them out; and if they said no I would feel like a fool and want to bury myself for 6 months. Things; the way they are occurring; the universe is showing me how and I am changing but thats it; its like the women Im interacting with are the wrong women; they dont have the same value system; I dont know where to go; Ill keep working with God on it. But those same women; im learning from; Im learning how to love myself; or build myself up and then I leave; but I dont want that; I want them to be the right ones so I can have a girlfriend; but they are not the right ones; they are their to practice on and get stronger but stronger for what; it seems only to get closer to God and no other reason. But I have to ask the question; Where is my wife? I mean; do I not get a wife! What the F_ck is going on in the universe not getting me my wife??????????????????????
So; I guess I have more work to do on myself as usual; but how much work does a person have to do to meet someone half way decent...
I see women; I see their hearts; I see they have feelings for me but they destroy all possibilities before we start because of their behavior; its over before it starts; they cant be trusted. I won't even tell them how I feel about them; Ill run first; I wouldn't be caught dead showing any vulnerability around them; forget it; and this leads me to the next question; where are the women I can trust to show any vulnerability; I have no idea who they are; where they are.
If I find someone to be real with; are they a narc setting me up; are they for real. An old saying; never put whats valuable to pigs n swine lest they trample you under their feet and turn and tear you into pieces. Do not give what is holy to the dogs.
Fine; my feelings are holy; where The F_ck is my wife???????? It seems the universe is not bringing her. Ill die alone I guess. At this point Ill be OK with that. I just feel ripped off; Ive never had a real girlfriend; nothing.
Im Ok with aligning with my inner being but I wonder why my inner being does not bring my wife. All I want to do is feel safe; is it not possible around the world; that my inner being working with the universe cannot bring one women that I feel safe around; nothing; ever?????/. 3.5 billion...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 54 times

Moving forward and dealing with a narc

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:42 pm

Im dealing with a classic narc from my meetings; she is a classic narcissist in all its horror; using me completely to hide her covert condition from others; I see through her so I dont want her around me. Any time someone associates with a narc; interacting with them is trouble and will bring trouble; I grey rock them as much as possible and stay away from them.
Things are strange; Im getting better in my personality; but I have to learn to feel and be safe; very hard for me to do; go back into life feeling safe again; but Im doing it very slowly and cautiously,.
Im doing art work again; this is miserably hard and will be for sometime until I make a commitment to it. Im working at it everyday. Im overwhelming myself; its about believing I deserve it. That means old thoughts of times I was taken advantage of; they must be processed and worked through so I can do what I want now.
Im not sure about Art but Im sure about the beginnings of music; Because Ive broken through that; ive been able to create and play a song that looks like its going to be completed; and I have a singer to sing it; I could sing it but having a singer makes me committed so someone to finish the piece and practice it with them; and practicing things in the real world is what Im looking to do.
The heart break;
The heartbreak of this new life comes when I do things without certain people that left my life when young; that is what hurts so much. How do I deal with the pain; as I create a new life and God brings me new people. I see myself in this new life without the friends I had when young; God pulled those monsters from me because they were monsters and bullies and I never new; I had no idea; they were not equals and they never saw me as equals and I had no idea; I did not know I was on a sinking ship but someone took the ship and sank it. Im better now; but still; this hurts so much; I loved those people with all my heart because Im a decent person; they never loved me they hated me from the beginning and never told me; covert manipulators; opportunists.
So; Im traumatized and shocked by what I went through; now I have the opportunity to start a new life and it scares the hell out of me; but it is coming about but its not here yet; Im still not safe yet; still working on it.
I never new it was going to be this way; as a small child I had the world in front of me; I had no idea I would go through something like this where I would be completely taken out of my home and destroyed and set adrift for the rest of my life; F_CKing Psychopaths....
So; the most important thing right now is Art and creating Art on a daily basis and watching a video on usage of the software I use for Art and practicing; and their it is for now.
I want my life back; I remember it; it will take work to get it back and feel safe; I just want to feel safe more then anything else.

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