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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-bc485570e260f573251d90d210d7e812_start-2045.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:33 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Thanks Giving ? |
Was I to give thanks... I guess its sleeping with the enemy.. The people that helped create my Dissociate disorder are a disorder. Nothing knew under the son. Its just that they don't stop. their not friends of mine, even if they are family. Their not family really. They've turned into scum bags. They seem to think their better then I am. They are simply getting away with it. Yet I prayed and got a meal out of it. It almost cost me my integrity. I wasn't alone . I have an older brother that tried really hard to fit in.. he doesn't understand, its all a joke. Just sick people making him perform like a monkey. Their unethical. Yet, they have privilege. I use the term privilege. Those that are privileged not to have problems. Or, problems they have to deal with simply because they function in ways that give them relationships or the access to money on a regular basis. Money that allows them to buy a home , have a family and equate them with God like status to others that aren't so fortunate. I see that they assume they are superior. Yet, I went to Thanks Giving at their house. First,. If a person appears to think they are better then me or others, Im gone. That is what happened here when I enter the house. I had to re-adjust everything. My PTSD is going off. The Alters in me are beginning to shake, and they tell me to run. Run for my life as they recognize the people that are in that house. These are not friends. They are people that need me to play the weak person role. They are not the kind of people My PTSD personalities need to be around. They are not better, They are not even in the ball park. yet , I do not force others to except me the way they aught to. They either do, or I stay away from them. I have nothing they want. my personality means nothing to them. However, I prayed about it,. and God thought it would be a good idea if I went. thought I was ready. I have the kind of relationship with God that I can tell when he's communicating in the real world. I depend on God for my life. next year, I will save my money and take others out to a nice Brunch. People that will appreciate it. people that appreciate me... I know the people involved are sick. Yet, they would let me die at a moments notice. They think Im a weakling and a dead beat. nothing more. And that its a tiresome nuisance for me to have to deal with. They see no reason to deal with me because they have it going on. They are Gods, I am one of the follower weaklings in the background that worships the whole idea of them from a distance. Thats what they think. As they think on nothing other then themselves. These people have not figured out , that descent people don't need to tell them their wrong. Decent people don't have to show their goods. If Ive Got the Goods any way. Why do I have to show any one anything. That is what really bugs me. I went, and I did the following. I have to remember: These people are controlling. They think they have a right to run the world and control everyone under them. They assume their are better people. I hunkered down on the couch in the living room of their home. next. I prayed, and got paper and pencil and begin to write. Next, I prayed, next I went outside and on my knees and prayed. Next, Into one of their rooms and prayed. I left the table every 5 to 10 minutes to pray on my knees in a privet place. Then I went outside and stayed outside and left. unfortunately I had to see some of these people before I left. I will not associate with people that pull that middle class slop on me. I don't have time for that stupidity. neither do the dying in this land who need help.. |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Thu Nov 24, 2011 4:02 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Fist Blog: Mental illness |
Hi: Mental illness. I will start with the narrative over view I think . And make this short to start I have been Dissociative all of my life. I had plans, they were stopped by violent people, insane people and severe PTSD. The only thing saving me during the time were several alters and God. I was wanted by no one. Criminals don't like me. I point out their criminals because Im not one. That is all it takes. That is all it took. that is why I wasn't liked. So many people are criminals. The only reason the jails are full, is those are dumb criminals. The rest arnt that stupid. One can criminalize others at anytime emotionally and spiritually. Liars, thieves cheats. When Im around these people, they tend to get very mad. After a certain amount of time they begin to act out against me. I guess they just cant stand it anymore. Public humiliation. Or put downs. Crossing boundaries. deceptions. If its a girl. She sets me up with love. MAn, she was fool- n the whole time. laugh-n all the way to the bank. Ive looked for real people to associate with. Its hard. Its hard in a hard world where one needs clothing and food and shelter and meds or they wont survive. Im not sure what to think of this world. I have a few friends. They are different. They were thrown away as well from this world. I believe in God and I pray to him all the time. That is all I have. God. I will go to church. Im not scared of it anymore. Im a bit better with less conservative churches. I find most have very little interest in me unless they think their getting something from me. Performance Performance Performance Just like a monkey Im not sure where I fit in except on a stage. That is about the freest place I can think off. I didn't know I was going to be abandon in this life by everyone. I was. By almost everyone. Nothing is real . Nothing is sacred. Nothing.. All the middle class people are gone. They left as fast as they could, back when I was 11 years old. I didn't even know it. they vanished like a space shuttle heading into space. For those that were left to feed me , I was hated and treated as a second class citizen. Even today some of those people are very old. They only want me around that I may help take care of them before they go. I mean nothing to them. Its all a lie. Even when they smile and are nice. its all a lie. Always has been. Im still dealing with all the fakes as I try to get well. Its not that they don't want me to get well. Its that because of lack of funding , I don't exist to anyone. Im of little or no importance to anyone. I have God and the approximation of finding the truth. doesn't seem to matter what group I get into , I never fit in with anyone. No one would want to treat me with the respect I deserve, they would have to give up all their goods. Im hated at the core , and many would like to control me when they see me. This has been my experience within groups of people. So many idiots trying to reach to the top in-order to be popular. Popular with this, Popular about that. And they are the worst connivers. Always playing everyone and getting into their space. Its a wonder Im still here on planet earth... Most people didn't want anything to do with me because Im a looser. Im not going anywhere in life. I didn't know that until it was pointed out to me. If I don't perform like a monkey Im out. What about legitimate problems. They mean nothing , to anyone. No one cares. No one is interested. Nothing. Once I am thrown out of the system. Im finished. Ive made others look bad. That is what counts. Many people have mistaken kindness for weakness within me. It sucks. I don't like it. Its hard to break, and heart braking. those of privilege give me advice on how to fix everything. They ask me to jump through a hoop that is higher then I am. They know as well as I do they never earned that box they stand on that makes that jump... [ Continued ] |
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