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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-bc485570e260f573251d90d210d7e812_start-2025.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:47 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Hobbies: obsession can be a good thing... |
Its these dissociative conditions I want to over come that I be more consistent doing music work on my computer at home. At home in the safe hobby zone. At home is a safe bet to work. It seems like Im getting closer to the ability to make more of a commitment to the art process. I have not been able to because of the Psychiatric strangulation to my nervous system and thoughts. When theres a war in my head. No one gets out alive. especially consistency. No consistency. Im looking for a little obsession. It would be welcome. I have addiction problems so I know obsession. Now, if I can switch in before I switch out, I might have a chance at building this hobby... consistency is the issue . The breaking points of consistency. To much reality comes at me from every angle when Im to present. Flooded with past present and future all at once is overwhelming. I shut down in ways I cant control. Who's going to do the work.. I am willing to look for solutions. Why Im here on this Psych forum site. For solutions.. At a deeper secretive level, Im finding some of them. The same anxiety that I find using my computer music software is occurring around large groups of people. abandonment: When Im using the music software and something goes wrong. I freak, and freeze up. I hate , go into a rage and cannot continue. This is exactly what happens when Im around a large group of people I freeze up, have to go to the back of the room and I start taping, close my eyes and try to hang on without dissociation. I end up getting pushed out of my area by others.Others, being people that I don't like or that are trying to cause me damage or pain. I end up getting away from these people that I cant trust. I feel the same lack of trust for the computer program Im using when their appears to be no solutions to a complex problem. I look for help online and cannot find it. More frustration... The same frustration of abandonment that Ive felt all of my life.. The anxiety is the same for both situations. And its enough of the same kind of anxiety that I am trapped. Trapped by this type of lethal anxiety. At-least I can see parallels beginning to emerge. I want to crawl under a Christmas tree and hide. What can be done about it. That is where my work is heading. Solutions . On the spot solutions to these problems. One of the solutions is familiarity with the battle ground. If I have to turn the software into a battle ground then so be it. I will have to work through the problems to the point that I get good enough to work in and out of the software with no problems. And if that can happen, then I have learned to conquer great pain and fear. As for people, its getting out of the freeze mode and moving away from trouble people. Getting away from then before I get consumed by them. Many people have control problems, And many people want to be worshiped like their Gods,. I wont no part in any of it. |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:13 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Anxiety 1 |
The creative process me I feel forced, A Psychotic ride. imbalances. Justifications stretched within the middle.. A conspiracy against self. Its a Schizoid illusion. -------------------------- The creative process creates anxiety The creative process forces me back into the Psychotic front lines. lives that force me to dissociate. So going into the art world is like going into a war. Everything gets triggered, and Im reminded that if I cant get through the art process because of the traumas, Im back where I started from. This makes everything really really tuff... Yet, Im tuff. I will tuff it out . Reorganize , go at it again and again and again.. Trust God on my knees and keep going.. Its not about the creative process anymore. Its about the dedication to the production. That is the more mature part of all of it. The preparation for the audience to believe it is of high worth. The polish. The shine. That is the dedicated manageable adult. Not all of my alters agree... I cant spend more then a few minutes into it. Anxiety from PTSD, Alters, Protectors, people outside of me, people inside of me. The creative process creates anxiety. Do I accept it, do I run from it. Their is a still small voice to create. This is the innocent child. The quest of artistic ownership goes on.. I feel like Im 6 years old. lies,,fake smile and abandon wait for me outside. The Forest, Christmas trees Im all alone.! Im from the Psychiatric class. --------------------------------------- abandon Its always burning, Not so light at times. Its always burning ------------------------------------------------------------ If I could finish a project, what would it look like... Monsters I think the monsters are protectors that are heading out to battle. The real world. Dancing in the real world. Dying in the real world. Living in the real world. All of life is a Television.. people I get stuck ----------------------------------------------------------- Answer of manageability: I simply take breaks: Call someone.. I write out what the project is, what I expect to get from it. What it looks like. I use examples from others completed work of what Im looking for in an end product I create a rough draft and get started. Its important to keep it innocent. If it ever gets past innocent, its time to go swimming... Its time to laugh and become a volcano. Spontaneity with Safety. Hmmm... That is all I was trying to say... !!! |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Jan 02, 2012 7:48 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | On the positive: openings.. |
Lots of changes over the last several days... First, Im glad to be on this site. It has helped a great deal in the short time Ive been here. Openings: A thrust forward, or an exploration into new territory. Possibly a small bit of real-estate to tread on, yet, progress is strangely obtained when one becomes aware. Changes represented in 4 sections. First, Church: At the Church, A conspiracy against me was all in my head. #2, Music: Ive been back into my music creation phase for the last 6 years. Ive been waiting for the time I would create my first CD's. I made a promise, Thus it begins.. Three: New years party. A party put on by a 12 step group served as a breaking ground for my dissociative disorder. I held my own and didn't switch personalities while at a New years party. I left early, I ate, no people pleasing..., I almost died doing all of this.. Hard work... !! Lonely, Worth every ounce of fear and vibration. Fourth: tuff intelligent extravert City Girl at the coffee shop: Tough act. Very hard to impress someone like this. She gets to go to Seattle or New York for New years Parties. This conversing is way out of my league. Held my own. Did not switch out. No people pleasing. had a hard time keeping eye contact. All positive areas of growth, as my attitude about learning again is changing to the positive, as is my gratitude for a chance to relearn again.. Over N Out.. |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Thu Dec 29, 2011 11:15 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Fear and Boundaries |
I used the word " Abstract" in a public place. I know Im getting better... |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:20 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Work issues #2 |
Its always nice to read that Im not alone. That others have the courage to come forward and talk about their inability to deal with the work world. I have never been present to be in the work world. I was thrown away at an early age. I was traumatized into shock. Im trying to understand what happened to me. I have a fantasy bond about what has happened to me in this life at several different time points. Under the fantasy bond of trauma is the truth. Possibly if I could experience that truth I could move forward with my life. The work world has been beyond me as I have never been safe in any work situation. I have been a whore, nothing more. That does not sit well with someone of my traumatic background. However, I was never able to do anything about it as I was to sick mentally. Its enough that Im still alive. Sometimes I wonder how that is possible. Yet Im still here. Why I don't know.. I am a deep thinking seeking person.. I have never had the ability to think without trauma associated with the outside world. My thinking is very limited in the outside world. That might change when Im willing to put effort into opening my mind about things.. Im scared to open my mind about things. I don't want or need to get ripped apart again... Suicide is a real problem for me. I have to stay in the middle or I will fall of the edge... Sometimes it seems that on all edges and the ceiling and the floor and whats in front of me is Evil. And their is no light anywhere. I get overwhelmed. more and more the answer for me is God. A deeper trust and relationship with God... God at all moments... I don't have allot of friends. And I don't have any family that really likes me. Ive been hated by them from the beginning.. I have talents. I wont pursue them. Im not sure why. Its the PTSD stuff and fantasy stuff and dissociation stuff that is in the way as usual. I have my work ahead of me. Right now its the simple basic stuff of getting to know myself, working with God to take one task at a time to learn the many various forms of walking again... Is spiritual walking an expectable occupation. I don't know. For some Im simply not good enough. I should be doing more or doing better. I should have more, or acting like I praise others more. All I can learn to do is come back to reality then learn the various forms of emotional spiritual walking again. One spiritual leg movement at a time.. That would be a miracle. Just to emotionally feel safe and practice basic functioning again. Their is a whole journey in all of that... A huge life time full of journey. However, God will not require a whole life time to practice what needs to be practiced. I will have to learn to appreciate the struggles and handicaps of the journey... Judgements: Lets not forget about judgments from others.. I am judged so severally that no one wants anything to do with me. I don't have to worry about anything more then loneliness. If I could learn to be alone with no one. Things would be a lot better. I have found that I need people around me. They are all so 2 faced that I give up in frustration and lock myself in my apartment to take a break.. I don't appear to have problems to people. I have been described by others that I am aloof, standoffish and antisocial. I wonder why. Im a dissociative person and if I am not safe I walk way, or run away. I hate dealing with 2 faced people that have nothing better to do then waist other peoples time expecting to get worshiped.. I am hated by others. Its an old hate. Not a jealous hate. Its a different deeper hatred. It has something to do with God. That I am right with God. Meaning Im on my knees to him all the time. I can do nothing right in front of God. So instead, Im on my knees to him all the time. This is the right thing that was missing. now its not missing. ITs called a relationship with God. I am a descent person. A kind person. I care allot about... [ Continued ] |
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