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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Archives
- July 2019
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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I have CPTSD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm

I have CPTSD; I forget sometimes why life is so hard; why its so hard to come out of protect mode into reconnect mode. The child in me does not want to reconnect with a world full of sociopaths. Im try protect to save my life; the last thing I want is reconnect to an uncaring world.
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The best protection I could come up with is money. Be rich; that way Im way above the masses and I don't answer to anyone. buT that never happened. Instead I protect myself right into a corner and cocoon I never came out of. '
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So; Im learning how to connect where Im at; and that is scary; but I realize; its going to be scary no matter where I go.
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When I allow the connection process to occur; I don't seem to have an immediate maturity to go with it; Instead; its like Im 3 years old. And need a mother and father to take my hand and guide me along; if not; Ill go into freeze mode and get nothing out of the experience.
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Needing that feeling of support for taking chances for who I am
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I want to be taken seriously, taken care of thinking Im privileged and make the bad world go away. I worth it. I want world with no trauma . I want protection and decency.
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I know I can write stories of what I want; thats where the breakes come from. I see the child in me writing these stories. Thats where Im going to see the changes.I have to see the changes in my mind first. I write the new stories of my life; i visualize those stories, then I become comfortable with the visuals of those stories.

The biggest problem I have is my thoughts and the critical voice when Im trying to reconnect to the world.
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Where do I start; what is the starting point; thats what Im looking for; a goal or direction; the right one. I always have this feeling; its to late; but its not; not if I believe in something. thats what Im looking for; what I believe in.
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Ive spent my life not believing because I looked for the corruption in everything and found it; and said not it;. the problem is; what Im I suppose to do with my life? make pictures; I don't know.
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Im so sick of being a person that cant protect himself; that is at the mercy of others; I don't like it; I feel like Im going in directions to get relief from having to go in other directions, and thats all life is; Im not motived for that. Where or what am I suppose to do or be.
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I suppose the past and hanging on to it is part of the problems; but I hang on because Im a decent person that wants proper resolution of the past; something with dignity.
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I want to live in a world of dignity not shame.
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I hate having to put all my personal stuff out on the table for everyone too see it; but I dont have the only or personal power in life to hide. Im not in a direction and I dont know how to get into one.
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It seems what I want is way out their; to far away; whats the use..
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The things I want; theirs way to big a gap.
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So; Im not sure what to do; I give up; but Im still on planet earth...
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So; I have a negative view of ever having success at anything; and its the negative view Im trying to change; possibly I haven't been honest about it; how I really feel; so; I might need to write some blocks about failure and how it feels and how to feel it and grieve it and work through it; get it out of my system; the anger and fear and hostility and move on; Im caught; a snag or thorn in the side; something buried so deep I cant get it out; its dissociated and causes to much pain...
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Something is stopping me from becoming the real me; that critical voice is stopping me; I have token working at it. It gets depressing working on the critical voice. It gets depressing when trying to pick a direction; and all directions have the same bullies down the pathway. IT sucks; I dont want to move through any of this; I just want a safe journey.
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I dont know how to stand up for myself because I dont know why Im standing up for myself. I dont know why.
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If it felt right;...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 12 times

Real changes are occurring

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am

I must keep at it; Ive got a chance to work through the issues with my house when young; This being my first house; first one I lived in that I considered my home or home town neighborhood. I did live in other places before I lived in my home town. However, I was to young to know... I was 4 I think when I moved into my house.
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The house I lived in; in my home town; this was a view in my mind; a view of something I cherished; my home and my home town. I loved my home town and my house and my school and such. I was young enough to not understand the reality of things; things like bullies and tests and bad sadistic teachers and such. This was the middle 1960's.
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I lived in a house.
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When I first was introduced to the neighborhood I lived in; I loved it; I thought; " my parents must love me to allow me to live in a place like this; its proof that I am being taken care of and loved; and the grade school was down the block; so; this was more proof that I was loved. In reality; I was being set up to be destroyed; but of course I would not know any thing like this as a small child. I would have already been destroyed if certain situations were not in placed; for I was already exposed to very toxic dangerous bad things; things of neglect...
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I moved into my house on C street. It was a perfect house; It was my house; I had a father; nothing else mattered. My mother played a submissive roll and had to comply; she had to feed me or take care of the clothing; that kind of thing. My father was in charge. This stable situation helped me to believe everything on earth was safe and fine. In reality; nothing could be further from the truth; The truth; this women ( mother); was a sadistic psychopath being kept inline by her husband. When he was in control she stayed inline; she stayed inline and played this submissive roll because his family had money; and that is the only reason; no other; she was using him has a host for her own ambitions; nothing more. Her plans to marry father the farmer fell through. He did not end up being what she had planned; she had planned a stable farmer situation; it never happened because he was a paranoid delusional sociopath. Its horrific that these 2 monsters found each other; However, considering frequency; they were both at the same level... it would assume. As long as my needs were being met and felt safe and loved; nothing mattered; unfortunately; I was never safe and never loved; I was living off my own fantasy bond at the time... I was completely alone and never knew it. After nursery school and kindergarten things would change rapidly when starting the first grade; signs of neglect will begin immidialaty; unfortunately; no way for a child to know this; the child begins to feel the symptoms of this but has no idea whats going on or why! no clue.
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The house; In the house lives this false family system; I had 2 older brothers; both being destroyed; but I did not know; both being destroyed by severe human neglect; I assume they got clothing and enough to eat; but as for human love and compassion and understanding and help in school or with their future; nothing. They were docile when I begin to remember them; I did not know why at the time; but later I will understand. I did not understand at the time.
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Christmas and Charley Brown.
For me; life was like a Christmas story and a Charley Brown special; thats what life was like; thats how I saw it and felt it. And I was allowed to believe this extended story for several years when young; because I was being taken care of and loved?; not? because I was being neglected; I had figured out a way to enter the neighborhood and make a bunch of friends I could get attention from; and I did; And then I would go home and watch Christmas shows and Charley Brown specials on TV and other stuff. I created a giant fun exciting futuristic life in my head. In reality; it was all in...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 23 times

Coming back into the present

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am

CPTSD

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CPTSD is causing this; its dissociative disorder; I dissociate all day long in a specific area of my mind and it goes into my heart where the small child that is innocent cant handle any maturity past. This is a small small child; He is innocent.
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Im determined to regain some kind of life and accomplish something.
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Im having a hard time of it; the 12 step meetings are doing nothing for me accept letting some feelings out. Its doing nothing for my CPTSD; I mean; its letting out steam but Im not accomplishing anything.
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I wish or wouldn't it be nice have something I feel good about. I don't want to do things in front of others. I'm sick of being around people; the wrong people; I want to be loved and taken care of and live in some free place with allot of ground or movement.
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Ive never known where to work or have a job or a career; it all got destroyed and I don't know what to do now..
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Ive wanted to do many things but the universe never brought me anything. I don't understand. I wish I had never thought of anything.
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Why am I not around the right people that treat me with respect. Why am I in a situations with people that don't respect me.
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getting to the point of having no friends. Never had any. not really; Nothing really here. just acquaintances; some are good. I really shouldn't say it this way; everyone one fine; the problem is; Im alone. Right now Im in my apartment alone. I go to 12 step meetings then home. Thats not a life.
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I dont know what to do about it; I understand to set goals. Im so needy; I never have anyone I trust to have a real conversation; no one has earned it; and the rest dont care.
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Im never around the right people; educated people; I dont have a job or career. I dont have money or a house or even a car. I dont know what to offer anyone or who to meet or where.
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I know Im getting better; I am; Im loosing fear of the present and its people in it; its taken 25 years; So; my life is getting better. I want to get to the next level; Im getting closer. Im not sure where to fit in within the outside world.

0 Comments Viewed 57 times

Im extremely frustrated

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm

Im extremely frustrated person. Im getting better supposedly; but Im not getting anywhere. I feel like I'm running in circles.
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I go to a meeting in the morning. Before that; Ive watched porn. Im not dating anyone right now; even if I was; I would still be watching Asian lesbians making out with each other on pornhub. Anyway; welcome to manhood.
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So; I watch porn; and at the same time when I wake up; I look at my facebook Home page fead; and all the different groups Im in. I make a thousand comments concerning everyone elses posts concerning laws of attraction or CPTSD; its about as simple as that. Then I get cleaned up and go to a morning meeting at 6;30 in the morning; Im usually late; I dont like everyone at the meetings; Some have no conscious; its hard to be around; but beggars cant be choosy. Most people are cool but the meetings are about addiction and nothing else and I've got allot more to talk about in this life then just addiction problems. Then I come home; I might go out on my bike for an hour. I come back; get back on the computer write some blogs; Maybe book around with the guitar.
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I then go to the coffee shop; I write; When Im at the 12 step meetings; I write. I write about the plans I want for my future. Then I come home from the coffee shop; Im on the computer again; then what. Im frustrated; Where am I going in life. Im writing about getting the universe to send me pathways to the right places and people and things. And I dont have any pathways. I want them to show up. I could use just one intimate friend; something; but I dont have them.
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the rest of the day is spent doing the same; writing, going to meetings, looking for answers... the answers Im looking for; what am I suppose to do with my life; and wheres my girlfriend. Im so sick of being around people with a girlfriend.
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Ive learned that at meetings; its a waist of time; those are not the women I want to go with; thats insane. oK; where are they;
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Just one person would be nice.
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I might try mediation.
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Im not enjoying any of this.
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Im not on the streets;
I feel like Im stuck on the streets and dont care; I dont know where to go; what do to; where to start; No sign of a pathway; I dont understand;
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Its the same for women; nothing.
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Its the same problems of where all these things come from. I go to 3 places during the day and thats it; Im waiting for the universe to show me something new; a new place; something. anything. Nothing show up.
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My mind comes up with a day dream; but nothing shows up in the real world; a pathway to a new place; nothing feels right or fits right. I dont know.
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I think about women; i dont get it. I really dont; where do I go to meet these women the universe is sending me; I dont get any of this.
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Wheres the pathways.
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Car; wheres the car I attempted to attract using the laws of attraction; where is it?

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I dont know what my direction is; its getting embarrassing to go to 12 step meetings and keep complaining about the same things over n over n over with no knew results.
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Ive made allot of spiritual results but Im no richer, no further with my talents and no girlfriend!
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Why is this so hard to get a girlfriend. I think that maybe Im not around the right people; who are the right people and why wont the universe show me; is it a ######6 secret? Why is the universe playing games with me.
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I wanted an Asian soulmate; Ive seen a lot of Asian women show up around me; who the ###$ cares; this does no good; just because a bunch of Asian women are walking by on a down town side walk; so what! That means nothing; theirs no result in this. So; I try another angle. nothing happens.
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im so confused about everything; what am i suppose to do with my life; I try to work with the universe on it; and Im not getting anywhere.
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Nothing feels right to me or safe; nothing.... Zero. nothing...
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I cant understand this. Does...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 27 times

Fining myself or facing myself

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm

The goal now; is finding myself and feeling good about myself while doing it; I lost protection and a family very young and was no longer protected and had no trace of where I came from; meaning; I was thrown away. Lots of people die from CPTSD... The horrible damage to the personalty leaves me so warped I do not know who I am. I soon die from it when in this condition.
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My goal is to accept whats happened and move forward to learn who I am; get me back from the past. And start living again as I am.
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Ive noticed that Ill accept myself as a high school graduate or 9th grade or the equivalent; but not a college graduate. And that has to changed, Massive critical voices ripping into me when I want to see myself as a professional . I see my mothers voice ripping into me at a young age. Im not protected; I was never protected; the only things that protected me were the house and neighborhood I lived in. And in that neighborhood were people that I could process my internal dialogue and nature; and then it was all taken from me.
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So; Im looking for those places again; that which was taken from me.
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Ive found some of it in 12 step meetings; but anyone can come through the doors and the wrong type of people show up at times. Im OK; but it makes it unsafe for me to share.
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My goal is to become and intellectual again; that means books and plays and music creation and art creation and writing and many other things dealing with intelligence and creating; I was severed form this; I would like it back. Ive never been able to get into anything; make anything work; trauma is the cause.
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I have allot of work to do; my goal is to become independent of the 12 step meetings; this means; Im back inline with myself and living again at regular stuff; thats the goal. We will see.
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Ive been able to divert into the 12 step meetings from reality because I dissociate from reality; now; I would like to come back to life again; Ive spent enough time in those meetings; its time to set some other goals; and its hard; Im still dissociating with flashbacks; Ill work on it; Im flash backing while Im writing this; its that strong. Its critical voice; and it has to be smashed and I come back too life and see myself in a fond light of reality; Im a really good person; but the critical voice smashes me into nothing.
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Im remembering swimming when I was a kid.
Im remembering the water smashing and feeling Im safe with a family; but then Im desolated and alone. completely alone.
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So; Im trying to come out of that aloneness.
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I have to continually watch what that critical voice is telling me; the goal is to have good thoughts and tell myself great things
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I have allot of work to do on myself; I hate being so alone; that is part of the problem. Im completely alone; Im trying to work through the past with GOds help to move on to an unknown future; one Im trying to put together but Im nagged by the past; Im trying to work through it; God knows this; Im trying to get in touch with the past and be myself again

0 Comments Viewed 57 times

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