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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (917)
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- June 2019
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
Visualizations
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm
Talents and development
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm
Money and women
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:19 pm
women and shame
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am
Music creating; blocked
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am
Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm
Things are changing
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am
Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am
Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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going to meetings; Yuk

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am

I have to go; I have a higher power and Im in the middle change; so; I have to go; because Im about to re learn how to become social again.
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When at meetings; Im never alone. However, its time to make sure Im never alone outside the meetings; that means a whole change of life style and the way I approach and look at people.
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I have to change my thoughts. thats what counts... Im learning it now; for example; and Ive used this example before; Art. What do I want to do right now; what would make me happy right now; this moment; I know “ Art” would make me happy right now. Anything else that would make me happy; sex with a hot women. An Asian soulmate; A girlfriend. What else; the money or experience to go places with a car and vacation for a few days when I want to; that would be nice. I would be so cool to go up to the local ski place in the summer and mountain bike; the lifts are open. Now; can I take some of these goals; and imagine them right now; No negatives; just “ Now” goals. yes?
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The goal is to have these things in the center of my mind and visualize as if they are happening now in first person point of view. The “ Art” concept is real to me; I mean; in my visualizations; I can see it clearly; Ive got a canvas in my head and Im drawing on it right now. what about Asian soulmate; well; she’s getting a bit stronger; but she’s not like the “ Art” visual; not yet; so Im working on it; what about vacations; that is a bit far off; its better then before; it brings up pain because of money; and transportation; and I get sick of dealing with these subjects because of money. Money consciousness is important; but; I haven’t visualized enough with these subjects to bring them into alignment with the source energy of the universe; and its frustrating to keep putting out more n more work and not getting anywhere. So, much work to be done here. IT would be nice to just take off...

So; I want to give up so badly; but I dont. I will keep at it; keep creating visuals in my mind until they appear real to me; and until the negative pain is gone from them. ITs that deeper negative pain associated with these concepts that drive me crazy; Im a victim and by not getting these things when I ask; its just one more example of my Im hated by the universe; and Im a victim again’ thats how it feels. In reality; I have to get to a point that I create manifestations as if they are already here and Im not needing them or worried about how they will get here.
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Im in the middle of thinking change; Im in the middle of wanting a better life by changing my thinking about it first.
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I have to create scenarios where I meet allot of women; interacting with women; and I have good thoughts about myself around women and my self worth; thats what I have to work on. And that is a bucket full... it really is.... But Im lazy in this area; and I want it to change; how bad do I want it; Im lazy; its like Im lying in bed doing nothing and someone comes along and tells me to get out of the bed; and Im sleepy and want to move.
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Dealing with people and feeling good about myself is what Im working on; its about my thinking up close to people; I spent a lot of years in fear and assumed to be mistreated; for a very long time around people; my mind dissociates around people; so I assume the worst when around people; I hope this changes.

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I dont have a social life yet...
Thats why Im still in meetings; and its up to me to change that; its up to me; and Im getting closer and closer; and a whole world is going to open up for me....

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social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am

The thinking process; its o so simple; what was I thinking about; that will describe what Im feeling. And how I interact with others; what am I not thinking will determine how well I get along with people.
Im attempting to jump frequencies upward.
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The goal is to get a hold of thinking; now! meaning; what am I thinking now; Im thinking about things that I look forward too; now. What does that mean; It means Im practicing things I want to do; now; not things that make money; just things I want to do because it feels good and feels right; for no other reason; Art is a great example of this. I love art; but I have to do it because I like it; no other reason. So; I think about art; it feels good. I think about a canvas in my mind that is being drawn on; circles and squares and lines and things; I think about it in real time; right now; things I can do right now.
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What is happening to my mind when I'm thinking about and focusing on art; My mind is not thinking about anything else; and is this not a specific that leads to higher mind development; is this higher mind position a continuum of middle classism. What do I mean? When I think about something right now that I like or enjoy doing and Im able to center it in my mind in real time and visualize it; now! and Im able to turn to this visualization over n over at will; on the fly; This is called privilege; or a good life; for Im free to think about anything I want with no negative effects; Im not thinking about 2 things at once; only one thing; art; and it consumes a specific process in my mind; a process of real time action in the mind; Im playing out in my mind what I want to do in front of my mind in reality; now! and thats what Im consumed with. And Im not thinking about anything else, for my mind is filled up; its filled up with something I want to do and I can be obsessed over if I choose because it feels good; cant go wrong doing art or thinking about art. All good stuff; anyway; trying to make a point.
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What else can I think about; how about having women close to me and touching them; having them touch me in my mind; holding them; touching them; getting physically close to them; visualizing this over n over; slow interacting with them in my mind; talking to them in my mind as if Im in depth of conversation. I visualize the women across from me at a table and we are talking ad talking; and later she walks over to me and sits on my lap; and stays their from now on. And I get used to it in my mind and I write stories about it; thousands of them; what happens next;
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When writing thousands of stories;
My resistance drops; Now, I have much less blue collar resistance to things; less thuggery. Im becoming at a higher frequency; and Ill then think about others social things at a higher frequency; Is all this making sense. And at some point; I become what I think; and it feels allot better up here in the clouds of better thinking.
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Im creating a mind full of tunnels; tunnels that suck in energy from the universe and spit them out of my body in front of me; The angle of those tunnels will determine who I interact with and who I interact with will determine the quality of life; its mainly based on what I think about and don't think about.

If Im not thinking about thugs at a low frequency level; thugs wont show up; nor will I show up in their backyard.
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If I can control my thinking and only think about what I want; then what will show up in front of me; Only what I want; nothing else. I will be focusing on only what I want. what I focus on grows.
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Ive found so far; my social level is changing; more energy an encouragement and confidence is taking hold; Im moving up the social ladder. As I create better thoughts; more thought like it join in. Soon, I have a bunch of middle class thoughts and Im a whole new person. And that is where I want my mind going.
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Today, I found myself insecure...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 6 times

intimacy 3

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am

Intimacy; its the one thing I crave and don't have... I dont have it from the community; I dont belong to anything in the community.. Im a loner.
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Sex and intimacy
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Sex does not bring me intimacy; IT does not being any intimacy
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Sex does not bring that belonging Im looking for in the community; all it does is expose I dont have any belonging in the community and this stripes me of what possible fake status I might have dreamed up in my head. sex brings it right back to reality; what I dont have; a relationship or strong connections in the community; nothing.
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If I had my needs met; if I was part of a big family; sex would be different. I would not need so much
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What happens when I have sex; Im not able to be myself the first time I have sex with someone
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When the person leaves in the morning; I feel horrible inside; because I feel like Im being abandon. I feel like Im being used; being used by women and being used by society; but not really; I mean; not really used by women; because their in the same boat I am; so; I feel like its one loser having sex with another. And that does not sound very masculine does it. Its one more sign that I have no relationships in the world. Im alone.
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It makes me feel like I can get sex but not a girlfriend. Thats whats horrible; or horrifying! like I'm not good enough; and this proves it; I can get sex but not a girlfriend; Im not good enough to accepted into society. And part of me is happy about that but cant live with that; I mean; part of me is a small insecure child within that wants my mom and Dad.... So I can go back to my home and live my life over the way it was suppose to be led.... Where Im protected and someone wants me to be famous or happy or rich when Im older; Im protected and taken care of; loved and cherished the way Im suppose to be.
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Like Im not good enough for a family...
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It makes me feel like Im not good enough for society; and Im like; God; do I have to go through this again; I was already destroyed by society; taken advantage of by the people in society.
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I was taken advantage of by myself.
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What do I do now.
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Who am I having sex with; is she crazy
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Will she come back later and rob the place with her boy friends.
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Is she trying to get a baby..... that really scares me!!!

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She’s looking for a relationship; and Im looking for sex; she’s not the right person for a relationship; she’s not what Im looking for.
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Am I willing to go after what Im looking for. I kind of know what Im looking for; An Asian women with the kind of intelligence that I relate to; the style of conversation; the kind of intellectual artistic conversation; but also, telescopes and things; astronomy. Anthropology art, music, Geology, the beach....
I know Im good enough; but can I prove it; I can if Im present and honest with myself...
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Do I really believe I can have a decent women in my life.
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Do I believe I can have any one in my life; NO! and theirs the problem; My intimacy levels have been ripped apart. I feel like Im of worth to no one; no one cares about me; they don't even know me.
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Have I been around the right people; no; because in my mind I always see money; people with money; like; someone has moveable power; she has power to move to place to place that I don't; meaning, her money gives her freedom; a freedom I don't have.
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The problem is; I don't believe; Ive seen and been through to much; and then the people I attract are the wrong people with the wrong station in life.
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Its hard to talk about intimacy and admit it; but I have to if Im going to get better in this area and build my broken self esteem.
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So; Im working on being honest about it.
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Sex; what does it mean. its political. If I have sex and feel like Im not connected after that; its not about relationships romantically or sexually; its a feeling that Im not connected in the community; its political; I don't have ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 13 times

1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am

I hear many people talking about the 1970’s as if “ that was the period”; that was the time; the place to be; everything cool came out of 1970; No it didnt; It ######6 sucked. It sucked the big one; It was a waist of 10 years. the decade before it; now thats where the real world developed.
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It was 1966 and Star Trek was on Friday nights; and I was loving it; watch every Friday; I had it all picked out; my shows. I love it; I always wanted to be James T Kirk when I grew up. I wanted to be an Actor just like him and be on a movie set. And many other things I wanted to be...
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And then I was destroyed; around 1972. the era of the 60’s ended about 1972 1973- and then it went into disco dancing and all this other ridiculous clutter. The only good that came out of the 70’s was the reemergence of skateboarding; In, around 1975, bowl riding and new skate board types started showing up. Rich kids turned their parents pools into mini skate parks; I was invited a few times. We kids: would go all over looking for old reservoirs; concrete spillways that were empty or not in use; and skate them. For me it was all a horrible time; I was thrown away and living somewhere else with no parents. School was a complete non existence.... I was traumatized to the point of non ability in the school system; CPTSD would stop my ability to function; no one cared. This would continue into college.
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Back to the story;
Im watching Star Trek and many other shows and looking at what I want to be when I grow up. And then Im destroyed. As I wake up now; 50 years later; for the first time; I have the opportunity to participate in life again; but it will be hard; very hard; I must break through some CPTSD dissociative walls of steal; and this is going to hurt; lots of screaming and rage... And its an opportunity; like; we are the opportunity to send a man to mars; However, how hard will it be? ITs just an opportunity.
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The child in me; as he wakes up wonders; “ Hey, I can now become captain Kirk” And then suddenly the child in me ask me a question; “ what year did you say this is?”; to the shock and horror of my inner child; its 50 years later before I get to start my life.
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Better late then never?
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Schooling was completely destroyed, relationships never started, money never developed. Nothing; no talents developed; never used regardless of potential; and no skills developed on talents. And allot if not all of this has to do with neglect, and abandonment and shear CPTSD and dissociative disorder and the anxiety of ever getting close to that anxiety wall that stops me.
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I dont know how I should feel about this; happy or sad.....
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I believe I can accomplish the 2 goals I have set before me; they are simple but not so simple; and I must go one step at a time. I must humble myself and realize; Im simply trying to accomplish the goal. I must break through dissociative disorder; and that is an art form; but I have people working with me to be accountable 2. And its all business; not emotions; step by step to getting the job done; thats what Im learning these days. I have to start somewhere.
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Going back into reality is not fun; I had no preparation for reality when young; nothing. I was stripped of everything.
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So; being in reality is a place of poverty and nothingness but fear and anxiousness. However, today, I have the ability to write scripts about my new life; and this keeps me present and on top of things.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Jun 24, 2019 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

0 Comments Viewed 29 times

Coping with what has happened to me in this life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am

I can hardly believe what has happened to me in this life. Its hard to believe. Its hard to believe the horrible life Ive lived and all at the hands of psychopaths and their offspring.
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My life was ripped apart and ripped away from itself; Im lucky to be alive and lucky to be able to have any functioning; but not with out state help; without disability; impossible. I would have never ever thought this as a child; ever. and I have a hard time with it; accepting myself.
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Im mad about this; all of it. I suppose as I wake up; Ill get worse; Ill be extremely mad at my precious life being ripped away from me; stolen.
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My nervous system is ruined.. I had no protection when young; but looking back; I had nothing when young; I was thrown away and no one could care less if they ever saw me again. I was only kept around because of my father when young; but after he left; it was over for me; but I was not prepared for it nor did I understand this was going to happen to me; it just did; meaning; the psychopaths who did this did this; they have no fair warning; nothing. My father turns out to be a sociopathic rapist of young women; a liar and thief of sorts. But he masked it. But no madder; I was thrown away by the age of 9.
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I never would have thought any of this would happen. I had no idea or I would have been preparing when young.
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The problem was; I needed some place; any place to call home and some stability. but it was all fake; so I had no idea to prepare. It was all taken and no one cared after this point what happened to me. no one. I had brothers; they were complete strangers; later they would steal everything; all inheritance that I may of gotten; and are about to do this again. One is a sociopath. the other is some where in the middle of psycho trauma; but they were never friends of mine and didnt care either way.
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Im lucky to have any humanity left. but I had no idea my ability to make plans for my life would be ruined because I was ruined. But no one cared; I was dragged through a meat grinder; but no one cared. And they still don't; and don't care if they ever see me again; but then no one is really left anymore. I thought I had friends in the neighborhood I came from; not so; they were fake friends; they went with the neighborhood; they lost interested in me while I was still around; actually, they never had interest in me. I was being used. and then later; dumped. I just never knew and never knew this would happen. I was robbed of my dreams; robbed of my life. robbed of everything; it makes me mad that psychopaths have the right to be around children.
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No one cared about me; what an awful life; no relationships and no economics; nothing.
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Things are better now? I guess; different; Im old now; so things are strange; poor I guess; money wise.
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I never planned it this way; I had a chance at 14 years old; but it fell through; again; the psychopaths.
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I have a chance now; a kind of chance; but its strange. the people I associate with; everything. Strange. most are broken people in recovery; Im interested to finding more middle class people; but Im getting older and it all seems so strange.
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Im not married; never have been. Never had a real girlfriend; not one I liked and not one while I was able to feel. Nothing.

I feel Ive never been around the right women. Now; as I get older; I mean; I can get married I guess; but I was robbed of most of my married years or having a family; not that its not possible now; but still; no money.
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I was a brutally talented person; but no way could I function in the real world; all was lost. I was never able to develop. I look at other artist that are famous; Im more talents then lots of them.
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I had great plans; if no one interfered with my development; but they did. And I was severely destroyed.
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I was planning my life when Star Trek first came out in 1966. That was my time period;...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 13 times

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