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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1040)
- January 2020
   Sat Jan 18, 2020 1:39 am
Im not hating life right now
   Thu Jan 16, 2020 4:46 am
real changes
   Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:26 pm
   Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:52 pm
S0cialing success and interaction is upon me.
   Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:16 pm

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 18, 2020 1:39 am

I started out in life loving music and wanting to play instruments; of course this never happened because of the psychopaths I was living with.
later; when I had to move around to house to house with people that looked down on me and thought I was filth trash. I was not allowed to be me; to be myself; I was suppose to play this weirdo nothing slave like character; this loser that was suppose to look up to that like they were my massa- Yez- massa- No! Massa-; what ever you say massa- Like I was a slave from the 17th century.
My ability to be free was silenced; I could not longer play music or be he depth filled person I was born to be; it was all taken; all of my identity was ruled out. I was ruined. And my thoughts concerning music and playing an instrument are all mangled and broken up; I have to work with God to change them so I can be myself again; this will take some work...
I find I dissociate everything Ive written above.... It goes away... Im trying hold on to it. Its not easy....
I want to get over bulling. I have bad faces and things from the past. I didn't ask for it; and I dont know how to process it accept through emir and new visualizations; changing my thinking....
Its hard to change my thinking but Im willing to do it; ive been holding on to memories that I had not seen for a long time within myself. and Its all I had but they were fake people I was associating with.
So; I have allot of bad people that got away with murder concerning me... Im in pain. Lots of overwhelming pain.
I have to get rid of this fear of attack or that I can be used and bowled over so easily; Like I cannot protect myself; and is all PTSD.. Im getting their; Im dealing with a horrible thing right now to get over this; its tied into my early childhood and through my early 20s and more...... Unbelievable.
Im not sure what to do about bulling; I have to or want to get over it.... it hurts; the humiliation.
Im trying to come back to being the real me. its hard; I dont want to be closed out....

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Im not hating life right now

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 16, 2020 4:46 am

Im beginning to memorize again; this is what is needed in school to succeed...
Im not in normal school right now... Or am I. Im in that learning mode. So; Im working on things...
Im doing more than learning on things. Im studying music; this time to perform. In order to perform I have to memorize; and Im learning how right now.
Half able to feel part of things again... How do I say this? Im in a lot of 12 step meetings and feeling better about it.
Im feeling like Im more part of a family system; Never thought that would ever happen again never. IT means Im getting my childhood memories back; Im remembering when I felt safe as a child for a few years; My memories; and the independence I felt and thought; and its transferring from then to now...
In the near past; I could not be in a house or a neighborhood ever again.
Im starting to feel half way a part of things...
Im not sure; I Was at a meeting tonight and someone said their life was a Lot Lot better and they give the credit to God; It wasn't them; they just followed God.

So; Im starting to memorize. and its been 50 years.
The last time I remember processing anything was during a time period of this movie; Bless he beasts and he children. Or; that was the song.... Or; The bed wetters; that may have been the movie...
Perfect; and their It is; Alive again in my mind; and the reason; because Im coming up to speed; up to that time period; yes; Im not fully their yet; meaning; here; but dam. Im getting their. all worth it. That was the last time I processed my feelings and felt powerful in my personal life; not under terror.... terror had not happened yet. But it will very soon after this; and I had no idea it was coming. Now; Im coming back. And I loved this movie and it was my time; just like young people today; it is your time.. same thing.
Bless the Beasts and Children is a 1971 film adaptation of the novel of the same name written ... The designation "Bedwetters" applies especially well to Gerald Goodenow, the sixth member of the group, who often wets the bed at night – a ...
Release date‎: ‎June 1971 (West Germany); This was a film about the young people and how they felt vs the older generation. My generation was. " We are the young generation; and we've got something to say"..... 1963 to about 1972.... I was born in 62... So; I was right in the middle of it....
So; Things are picking up for me; Im still not present. But Im slowly participating in life again; taking chances to begin small things that are building my life... Im not so detached as before... Im starting to wake up again. But its more then wake up.... Im starting to live again and feel again; but in a kind of controlled therapeutic way; Im still in the hospital; if you will; Im not able to handle the outside world yet; but Im getting closer; more confidence; it will happen. But its slow work when one has been destroyed.

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real changes

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:26 pm

Real things are going on; moving forward; on n on and getting better about my understanding of how or why I change my thinking.
My goal is success; I take this to the universe. Unfortunately I have a thug mentality; this means I want to be worshipped like a God when I haven't earned it; I pat myself on the back because Ive survived bad things and that qualifies me as a thug; an identity that not everyone can be a part of. However, the real world for thugs is not real; its violence and death and other illegal substances; and those substances can also include bad or evil or violent thinking.... Basically a thug is violence; nothing more; it's an on off switch of street soldier mentality. In my opinion thugs are either complete sociopaths or on drugs; drugs that make them psychopaths or act out in behaviors of psychopaths... or a combination of both.
Heres the problem; do I want to be the top of thug heap and admired; top of the savages; that would feel righteous and good; or do I want allot of money! ITs as simple as that....
What I think when I wake up in the morning will determine what level of vibration Im on for the day. If Im thinking about money; piles of it; vats of it; boxes full of it; and I see it in my head with a favorable opinion; thats what will be brought to me at some point because thats what Im focusing on. Momentum is not strong at first; Im not up to speed; Ive got a journey to experience that brings that vibration up to a high mark and a journey that will close the get; thus; taking me to the money; but if I continue to see money in my head and align my vibration with my inner beings and we are in unison and Im willing to stay at a positive High vibration during the day; Ill soon be presented with opportunities to receive money or a pathways that will lead me to such things; such riches.
My most important and sought after riches?; a good attitude. A good attitude is my number 1# riches; for with a pleasing and prosperous and enthusiastic attitude about any movement; I can go anywhere and do anything and Ill appreciate it and love it; and Im working toward this and it puts a smile on my face and in my heart.... It is my number one goal and it is right with God, with man, with my heart and with me... Its a great thing to work toward...

The work is in the pathways.
My thinking is the problem; when I think about money or something else I want; for a split second I see what I want with a favorable attitude; then suddenly it goes bad; its warped and filled with fear and anger; the thoughts; and suddenly flashbacks and bad thinking of bad people; people who I have resentments for; it all creeps in and weakens my original attempts at focusing on what I want; So; their it is; theirs the problem; my thinking meanders to bad people and places and things and this thinking takes me over and for some reason; I blame you and everyone else because of how Im thinking; its the worlds fault; and this type of attitude is thuggery; Its born of thuggery; giving me a reason to be a thug; but what about the money; who's going to concentrate on the money....
So; when Im at a higher level of feelings; pathways open up around me and will I take the oopporulntity?
How bad do I want the money; have I been focusing on the money or the lack of the money in my life. So; the work is to focus on the money; and if I get bad thoughts popping in; pull out immediately; go general; switch thinking; think about something else. Then go back to the money thoughts; practicing over n over; more n more n more; any negative thoughts that I stray to; get out of them and go general and then go back to the money thoughts and keep at it for the rest of my life. Soon; pathways will open that lead to the money.
The vibration must be strong enough to attract what I want. So; momentum must build; this does not happen at the beginning of my fantasy; it must be built. Over time it becomes...

[ Continued ]

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:52 pm

I was in a meeting and a brother from my original grouping was on the fare side of the room. It hurts; he is my enemy; not my friend. He was never my friend; and I think the core of me always knew that but I didn't.
I always wanted to see my mother and father as the best of people and my brothers; in reality; no brothers; just strangers who were never on my side and still are not.
At the meeting; I went up to the coffee machine and grabbed a cup; he was sitting 6 feet away; I ignored him. That last time; several years ago; I was in his car; he made a suggestion because of my economic situation that I was trash; I immediately went silent; I would never associate with that person ever again; and I haven't... covert is what I would call these type of people; they are not what they seem; its like someone stealing from the bank but smiling to their manager as if everything is on the up n up.
At the meeting I backed away from him; said nothing. later something happened that slighted me from his behavior; I wont go into it... it was an act of passive aggression.... or aggression.... covert; thats the best way to describe him; covert; Im starting to see what he is really like; who he really is; its like looking at a spider; and its the same behavior as the others from that family system; its not a family; I don't know what to call it; psychopathic system that I was unfortunately thrown into...
So; this is no friend; and thats the 6 year old in me being defeated again by these ######6 monsters... And I feel defeated; like they got me again; I must turn to God for help; get on my knees and start over; but they use this family thing against me; thats what monsters do; they have no values... lawless.... So; I have to wake up and see them for what they are and get as fare away from them as possible; but I wont do this until I learn my lesson that they are black widow spiders that bite and the venom will destroy.. I haven't learned my lesson yet... Im trying to; I guess God is trying to wake me up possibly and get my focus within my mind on what I want instead of what Im missing. My mind randomly goes back intimate to different time periods with this family system and I have to learn the hard way to put my mind on something else with value and stop making these people out to have value when they did not have any value; no value... I have to learn the lesson.
And I have to grow up a bit; but be nice to myself and work with the universe and work with others that can help.
The problem is; the innocent child in me wants to look at the surroundings of the past as innocent and nice; but in reality; it was filled with monsters that never liked me the child or me the adult; and that is a horrible horrible horrible thing for me to deal with; its way over the core of my head considering how much dependency I had on those people to survive economically socially; schooling; the whole process of my young life.
As I talk about it and bringing up schooling; I see I put it all in their hands; now I would like to go back in time and re examine what I can do for myself; taking back my own power during those times..
Ive see what these people are like that I came from; the sad horror is; they were never on my side or my friends or cared what happened to me; I was hated but did not notice....
I am not wanted by them; but of course; this is because they have stolen the family money from me; my share.
However, there was no family; the mother in this case is a psychopath and I have no relationship with; and that is hard because I have no come to grips with any of this altho I talk like I have. Im in much denial about what really happened and what I was believing at the time. In other words; I was building a life on top of a satanic mill and never knew until the roof collapsed and I was sucked down inside the furnace and destroyed... Now I'm trying to get out and Im getting knifed...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Jan 12, 2020 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

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S0cialing success and interaction is upon me.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:16 pm

Social success and interaction is upon me. Its not all that it is matched up to be; meaning the process; its scary and Im vulnerable and its scary being in a position of vulnerability; I had to deal with it and think fast and I did; and I had success which leads me to more personal interactions with people and more indentations to other people and places and things and events. And the more I open up; the more they want my attention.... and they open up and get more personal...

So; Im in protect mode; Im not shy concerning the case of this writing; I was thrown away from a family system when 7-9; on my way out as the family system was internally being destroyed because it never existed in the first place.
I was innocent and uncorrupted; unfortunately I will be turned into a foster child and thrown away; no one cares if they ever see me again or what happens to me; Im abruptly gotten rid of for good... no questions asked; Its kidnapping is what it is; its the same thing but done covertly in order to be destroyed by others and the community; or the community shuns those that are destroyed. if I had friends; I have them no more and they were bold enough to tell my it was my fault; Im a bad person and deserve it; this coming from the fine established suites n ties and black business dresses walking around who own your local houses and in your local neighborhoods; unbelievable. In my opinion; the whole lot of them are murder's.... all of them; anyone that participates with or accepts the deranged horror's done to children that cause they're permanent disfigurement; or their different forms of death... I remember one place I lived; they treated me as a slave; a second class citizen; actually; they all treated me this way. I had nowhere to go; no home; I had no choice....
Here I am now in recovery; Ive been closed off inside because of dissociative disorder...
In my recovery process Ive also success based thinking; Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; and other books and coaches on the subject.
I have dreams and desires and Im slowly watching them manifest in front of me; thoughts become things; no easy task with long term PTSD CPTSD problems.
Here I am in the present; Ive been working for 4 years on social; that I can come out of isolation and be part of the regular world again; what does this means; its means Im not alone or hanging out with bar hoppers or thugs or D.O.C. recipients at meetings. It all helped; the meeting; but its time to go beyond and go back to the real world...
So; How is this going to work; Im so scared and shut off and shut down and closed in; Im like a walking introverted cave.
Well; Thoughts become things; I have to imagine what I want; and Im fairly good at it; I know how to do it.
One area of social is talking to women; I have a hard time; a very hard time with this; It's scary; but it's scary talking to anyone; its uncomfortable; Im not shy; Im sensitive and have been destroyed before by human beings and I don't trust anyone. Im naturally trying to protect myself from more interactions that will trigger flashbacks and overwhelm my nervous system.
I saw a picture in my head of what I was looking for, 4 years ago; ultimately; it was interacting with others; close up with success; this means seeing them; meeting them; talking to them; but not from a victim point of view but being my real self.

It's not easy; no matter where I go; and I judge others; how they look at me... how they ignore me. How they treat me. I watch and perceive. At times I test the waters; but not so much anymore..
So; Ive been going to allot of events through the 12 step groups I attend; more then Ive ever before. in this last event; New Years; we had karaoke.. I walked into the room with round tables; about 50-60 people. I saw filled tables and felt left out; I headed toward a table free of people. I sat down. I felt less...

[ Continued ]

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