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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2020
Ill be single for the rest of my life; I believe maybe
   Tue Jul 07, 2020 4:17 am
Moving forward and dealing with a narc
   Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:42 pm
more topic posts from other sites
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm
Something happened on line with a comment
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm
Trust
   Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

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Ill be single for the rest of my life; I believe maybe

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 07, 2020 4:17 am

I may stay single for the remainder of my life. The universe has to bring the right people. And Im constantly missing the boat on this one. Im going to work harder on meditation and visualizing who Im looking for.
Im doing fairly well with my inner being and my personal work with self and assignment with the universe; but no women insight that I feel I can open up to and trust; trust is everything to me.
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CPTSD has burned out all of play acting in me when it comes to relationships; I dont play games with people. I believe the right people for a relationship with be ( pause); the right people; it will be smooth transition; something natural; not something triggering me to death wondering if the other person might like me or they might have 5 guys in the wings as backdoor men.
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Im describing what its like to want a wife when Ive been trapped by severe dissociative disorder and CPTSD for 2/3rds my life.
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To come out of my shell into the real world his horrible on my trust ability; Someones potential to like me is not even close enough; its all about trust. if I think they are the type to betray someone; I walk back the way I came; I recede and go away; and Ive done this numerous times; so many times; I figure Ill probably be single for the remainder of my life.
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By the time I get my life together; Ill be to old to have a girlfriend; Ive never had one ever; not the kind I liked and really wanted and wanted to go after and pursue; nothing. But Im fine... I take everything to God...
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I dont feel safe sharing my feelings with people I dont think value me as much as I value them; they hide their secrets much more then I do.
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I feel like I would ask them out; and if they said no I would feel like a fool and want to bury myself for 6 months. Things; the way they are occurring; the universe is showing me how and I am changing but thats it; its like the women Im interacting with are the wrong women; they dont have the same value system; I dont know where to go; Ill keep working with God on it. But those same women; im learning from; Im learning how to love myself; or build myself up and then I leave; but I dont want that; I want them to be the right ones so I can have a girlfriend; but they are not the right ones; they are their to practice on and get stronger but stronger for what; it seems only to get closer to God and no other reason. But I have to ask the question; Where is my wife? I mean; do I not get a wife! What the F_ck is going on in the universe not getting me my wife??????????????????????
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So; I guess I have more work to do on myself as usual; but how much work does a person have to do to meet someone half way decent...
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I see women; I see their hearts; I see they have feelings for me but they destroy all possibilities before we start because of their behavior; its over before it starts; they cant be trusted. I won't even tell them how I feel about them; Ill run first; I wouldn't be caught dead showing any vulnerability around them; forget it; and this leads me to the next question; where are the women I can trust to show any vulnerability; I have no idea who they are; where they are.
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If I find someone to be real with; are they a narc setting me up; are they for real. An old saying; never put whats valuable to pigs n swine lest they trample you under their feet and turn and tear you into pieces. Do not give what is holy to the dogs.
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Fine; my feelings are holy; where The F_ck is my wife???????? It seems the universe is not bringing her. Ill die alone I guess. At this point Ill be OK with that. I just feel ripped off; Ive never had a real girlfriend; nothing.
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Im Ok with aligning with my inner being but I wonder why my inner being does not bring my wife. All I want to do is feel safe; is it not possible around the world; that my inner being working with the universe cannot bring one women that I feel safe around; nothing; ever?????/. 3.5 billion...

[ Continued ]

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Moving forward and dealing with a narc

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:42 pm

Im dealing with a classic narc from my meetings; she is a classic narcissist in all its horror; using me completely to hide her covert condition from others; I see through her so I dont want her around me. Any time someone associates with a narc; interacting with them is trouble and will bring trouble; I grey rock them as much as possible and stay away from them.
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Things are strange; Im getting better in my personality; but I have to learn to feel and be safe; very hard for me to do; go back into life feeling safe again; but Im doing it very slowly and cautiously,.
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Im doing art work again; this is miserably hard and will be for sometime until I make a commitment to it. Im working at it everyday. Im overwhelming myself; its about believing I deserve it. That means old thoughts of times I was taken advantage of; they must be processed and worked through so I can do what I want now.
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Im not sure about Art but Im sure about the beginnings of music; Because Ive broken through that; ive been able to create and play a song that looks like its going to be completed; and I have a singer to sing it; I could sing it but having a singer makes me committed so someone to finish the piece and practice it with them; and practicing things in the real world is what Im looking to do.
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The heart break;
The heartbreak of this new life comes when I do things without certain people that left my life when young; that is what hurts so much. How do I deal with the pain; as I create a new life and God brings me new people. I see myself in this new life without the friends I had when young; God pulled those monsters from me because they were monsters and bullies and I never new; I had no idea; they were not equals and they never saw me as equals and I had no idea; I did not know I was on a sinking ship but someone took the ship and sank it. Im better now; but still; this hurts so much; I loved those people with all my heart because Im a decent person; they never loved me they hated me from the beginning and never told me; covert manipulators; opportunists.
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So; Im traumatized and shocked by what I went through; now I have the opportunity to start a new life and it scares the hell out of me; but it is coming about but its not here yet; Im still not safe yet; still working on it.
I never new it was going to be this way; as a small child I had the world in front of me; I had no idea I would go through something like this where I would be completely taken out of my home and destroyed and set adrift for the rest of my life; F_CKing Psychopaths....
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So; the most important thing right now is Art and creating Art on a daily basis and watching a video on usage of the software I use for Art and practicing; and their it is for now.
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I want my life back; I remember it; it will take work to get it back and feel safe; I just want to feel safe more then anything else.

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more topic posts from other sites

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm

Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
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Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

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Terror; Who said coming back into life from CPTSD that I was only going to be scared.
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Im terrified; Im triggered; Its all coming back; so what! O Well!
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Im in Terror; Im not just scared... and it will remain until I finish a project Ive started; something for the real world.. Ill need all the help I can get.
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Im working on something and it must be good; well done.
What im learning; Im not reacting like the regular people; scared and nervous; Im terrified. And terror will stay with me; its not cooling out; my choice to continue; Welcome to CPTSD.
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I have CPTSD and its been a long long time since I lived a life and Im walking back into my life and Ill need help doing it; real help; I may have to have people sit with me while I finish my projects. Sit with me while they get ready to be evaluated. And thus; Im back in my life.
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I have terror; not just fear and it doesn't go away; so welcome to CPTSD land. Im not like the regular people; or maybe I am and have never had to face real world present problems because Ive never been sane; I dont know. Things are changing; more is expected of me.
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Im learning to ask for help; thats laughable; Ill need help every second; all along the journey; all the time; cant be done alone...
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Old narratives; I can play them all night long; and they stab me to death; doesn't matter; Ill have to bring others in so Im not alone; stay present.... My nervous system isn't like others; O well!
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Its about character; I earn a new way of thinking; Im not God; I have to do the footwork... I did not learn about this until well into my recovery; this is not a beginning recovery concept; it comes much later...
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Im not God; I have to do the footwork... Thank God I have to do the footwork; it just may save me in the end; but I cant do it alone. Ill have to open up to others and ask for help along the journey.
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Anyone relate?
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Im in the middle of the most important change Ive been in; the developmental time period of 12-13- Im re living this right now and have no clue as to how to move forward accept mediation and work with my higher power for a pathway. This won't be easy. This is the center area of my trauma from all sides from years before to years to come. This is a crucial time period when one defeats bullies or is trampled by them or meets girls or is ruined by them or withdraws in school or does well. I did all the anti social avoidance things as I was being systematically destroyed.
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Now; I must allow the universe to help me face this time period to move forward; move on. I have no clue; it hurts a great deal; but I am and will move forward through this.

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Something happened on line with a comment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm

I was on one of my CPTSD sites and someone left me a comment; after I posted. This was a women who got a bit closer in her comment; a bit more direct. She mentioned about re mothering. I freaked out because she got so close to the problem; I could feel the hatred and anger and aggression and massive fear; but she was online; just a drawn face in a little box representing a real human somewhere. She wasn't real; I mean; I was feeling it because emotionally someone was getting close to me. This tells me I get triggered any time someone gets close. I got mad at her? not really at her but I was mad at her for getting that close without my permission because it could be damaging.
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What was interesting is; it was simply about someone getting close; it was not a real person I knew; was not personal; and this person commenting could not have any idea of who I was or where I came from or my background accept the post; nothing else; so what am I witnessing here.
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Im seeing that Im triggered by anyone getting close and my personalty turns vile; and it becomes personal in a way; like someone is personalty attacking me. Because this person is unknown; it is not personal; so its about me and not the other person; so; this is good info; but I still dont know what to do.
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What does this mean; its means that when women want to get close to me; if they get to personal I get freaked out and enraged out of fear... I dont trust them because they are without kid gloves when dealing with me.
So; how do I deal with women; I dont know; Ill take it to God and hope God brings me women smart enough to some how see that Im in pain or fear and know how to handle me; that is all I can think about.
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Ive been with women I was interested in and it didn't work; they turned out having no values or worth toward human beings; nothing and certainly had no value toward me; nothing; unbelievable; dealing with that level of filth. Godless and lawless; what was I doing their.
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So; Im stuck for now; I dont know how to proceed. I feel like I have to continually align with God; I have no other choice when it comes to women; I have to wait for the right one to show up; I feel so lost and stuck when it comes to women and love less; like no one wants to love me... nothing; no one. No one sees my real value or worth and I dont know how to get to that place to be around the right women that do; and Im working with God on this but I feel time is running out for me; Im getting old... non of this life makes any sense to me; nothing... I dont understand God; I feel like Im being kept in the dark on all things; no fun; and I feel I have no control; over my own life and God is not helping; I mean God is helping but Im having a hard time listening? Its like a cat n mouse game. I dont know. In the end I end up safe but without any kind of life? I dont know; thats how it feels. Im trying to work with God but I dont know. I dont feel safe at all at anything or around anyone.

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Trust

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

Ive been working on soulmate stuff for about 4 years; In the process I knew I had to change; In the process of change; the journey of change; Ive meet a few women along the way.
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lately I met another women; or saw her and waited cautiously to see if I wanted to move forward; I finally did; but with very mistrusting caution; and for good reason; I was not wrong; red flags are red red flags; However, I was able to further down my journey remarkably well; lots of ground conquered here; all leading to my end destination of soulmate.
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This last venture; she was physically closer then any of them from the past to what I was looking for; startling how the universe can replicate what Im thinking about. This time her personality and mine somewhat matched; we matched up in several areas including some forms of spirituality;
Unfortunately; she was 2 faced and deceptive; She was also checking out other guys in a most natural fashion. Soon; I could not go around her anymore; red flags; Id had enough of this. This was another example of " how" the universe can bring me what Im looking for.
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Biggest issues;
Trust and red flags...
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If I trust someone and im trusting; they shouldn't have a problem associating with me and I with them. This is the biggest problem; trust.
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My goal is to manifest what a friendship looks like on a day to day basis hanging out with my soulmate and trust issues; What is the kind of person Im looking for; how do they act; because I must trust them; and it must be shown to me; so, Ill have to manifest what I think trust looks and feels like. And this is hard just talking about; so; ive got my work cut out for me.
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Anyone relate. ....
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