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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Problems with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

First; let me check up to what has been happening....
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I was collecting plastic model kits; this was an extension to the developmental process recreated by God for me when asked. I was at this level of 8 years old; plastic model kits. Before this train sets; before this; football... tossing the football. Art creation... before this; legos I think. All starting at the age of 4 or 5 years old again within child self.
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From plastic model kits; suddenly Im interested in Guitar again. and this time Im serious about being a beginning student. And Ive now been at it steady with a metronome for 2 months; something like that.... or 1 1/2 months. The goal is October 1; 120 days; playing 10 minutes everyday...
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From guitar is working live with others; and I started to and have been numerous times now and from this; playing live; performing and Ive been working with another beginning guitarist out in the park; and we practice and sing to passer by's... from the small building in the middle of the park; that place for rent for parties and such...
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Suddenly from this; I automatically moved the electronic piano out into the main area in my apartment next to the guitar and I started sight reading again... Amazing... So; same thing; oct 1; 120 days... 10 minutes a day. Ive been at it for about 3 weeks; everyday...
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And from performing live comes the need to make songs and write lyrics.. and play them with my friend in the park.
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And suddenly the praying for the relieving of character flaws getting in the way of drumming. and Ive now gotten out the practice drum pads and sticks and Ive already started. So this is starting as well. 10 minutes of drumming a day... Practice.
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And Im singing again because Im actually doing it live.... in front of others... So all of that has come true...
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And next.
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ART;
This has baffled me... But; ive been praying for answers from the universe; expecting an answer and I got it suddenly and easily; it just silently flowed onto my white page...
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THe answer; make a dot on a canvas; spend 5 minutes creating something cool from it.. So this for 120 days; or until OCT 1st. So; ill be starting this today; I got the answer today...
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WOMEN;
So; the next area of development is with women; and Ive got some answers of a beginning idea; but not really; nothing yet. But one area that is holding; building self esteem doing other things and having other friends and then it spills off into my confidence around women.
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Women are a hard one for me because of the horror treatment I had by men and women when young. Just horrible nightmare; monsters; Sadistic...
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Ive notice that the ones that liked me; I may have asked them out then pulled back from them... Maybe next time; talk to them... go have coffee with them... But they know what I was asking for...
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I refused to have coffee with them or go on dates with them... How could I get to know someone.
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Ive had many fears of people finding out about my real torn up life. So; Ive stayed away; but I realize now; I never gave anyone a chance. Ill have to do that next time.
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One area of fear; but I can work with God on it; MONEY. I dont have any. And this has scared me because I dont have any identity to cover this flaw up... Its brutal on my ego... But the truth is good enough; so; Ill have to learn to tell the truth about who I am I guess.
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So; Im controlling with women so I can end up a 6 year old child with them; they taking care of me and loving me and doding all over...
But I would not allow this to happen because I was afraid they would turn on me and turn into a monster. or reject me... So;' I stayed away; I never allowed them to get close. Most of them never cared regardless. They just moved on to someone else as if I didnt exist.
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I never went to coffee with them... never tried to get to know them; this is every important...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 77 times

Victories; And Bulling is an issue

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 26, 2021 6:04 pm

Victories;

Ive officially escaped part of my past today by simulating a running breakthrough from the abusive neighborhood and house I lived in and the monsters that abused me; I run for it; ran out the door to the group of people; told them today what those bad people had done to me; point in the direction of who they are that they can arrest those monstrosity hideous demonic forces and save me. The 10-12 year old came out in me; was present in that room;
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I talked about women and relationships; but what came out was the 12 year old running for help from the abuses bestowed upon him when young. And he told with all his heart his troubles and how he felt and felt safe doing so; as if he had made it to safe ground. and told them in feelings and vulnerability; all of his inner feelings dumped out on the table as if he was sitting with a real family of safe people... And he was one of them. And had come home... And pointed to where the atrocities had occurred. The point is; I had created a new safe haven space for myself and I was telling the group about what it was like when I thought I was safe but wasnt... and the authentic child came out running for his life and coming to the group and telling the group what happened to me. But I was safe in the group; not somewhere else. I had escaped to the group today; my inner child; being had made it to the group and opened up. fIrst time since 12 years old.
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What it means; Im making successful in roads into the present more n more where the past is in the past and Im growing in the present; not enough yet; but enough... Its starting to show up; Im showing signs of authentic presence where the past is in the past on some subjects; that means I feel safe in the present and that because I have changed and come into the present... all the work I have done... Sowly more victories in coming my way...
May be an image of text that says 'MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH BREAKT'











Bulling is an issue for many reasons. I had no one their; I was already given away so their was no father or mother. Nothing. I could not communicate; I was in a state of complete shock from being thrown away... I had no protection; I was completely dissociated from reality; a sitting duck and resentful angry and abused and abandon.

I had no relationships with anyone; I clambered down or hunkered down to stay safe around the bullies; schooling completely wrecked; no point; nervous system wrecked. Not sue what kind of therapy to do on this now; to feel safe stay safe; I don't know...
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I hate this..
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Ill ask God for help... The idea is to work through this; working forward... step by step in front of me without being controlled or that feeling of someone else controlling me.
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Sex; Something is wrong sexually; I cant have sex. I thought for sure it was Organ size; not the kind of Organ played in a rock band... Or something before that; Maybe feeling non accepted before that; but I see my childhood; bad years where I was thrown away and or given away and sexually abused and controlled.. All of that stands in the way... so; I have things to work through; freeze mode..
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Their is this one spot of sexual abuse I cant seem to get though. Everything goes dark... I seem to have control of it.. walking through it; dealing with it... being present through it... it takes me mind from me completely.
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So; its not over yet. I feel bad about a brother that doesnt want me; but then hes a sociopath and cant do any better then that. I know that... But hes not really a brother. Ill pray about all of this... The next steps to work through.
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I remember in college being able to have sex; but I dont remember having sex with her; its been shut down; I know I did all the time but cant remember; its blocked. Why is sex blocked from me... Ill pray about it; but all of this fear and facing bulling; its all the same; all tied together a...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 131 times

First problem with relationships; solved.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue May 25, 2021 3:59 am

The first problem concerning relationships is solved.
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First let me say several laws? or principles or frequencies must be accomplished attained. What does this mean; it means experiences.. Certain experiences must be obtained.
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The original Goal is; Activities and relationships; How can I break through the walls. The activities have been broken through to a point that Im fairly on my way; However, smaller or more distant walls are still holding but its down the runway... Im fairy solid right now in what Im attempting to want to accomplish. We will see...
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Relationships; SO; lets bring up something Ive brought up before. Im like a little kid; 4 years old. I want to ride my like; I get my father; he takes me to the garage; he gets the bike outside the garage and I ride it in front of him; for about 20 minutes; I have training wheels on the bike.
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Finally; Im a little bit older. 5 or 6. Ive met kids that live down the block. Im hanging around them after school. I know longer go to my father for my bike. I go to the garage and get my own bike and ride down the block to my friends houses. My friends have brothers who are older. They are helping us younger kids and brothers take off their training wheels from the bikes. And today; Ill have them take my wheels off and Ill attempt to do what excites me; I see my friends riding their bikes without training wheels. So; I want one of their brothers to take my training wheels off so I can ride my bike without training wheels.
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And it happens; I have a bike with no training wheels and I get on my bike; climb up on it and ride it and crash. And this will go on for months n months.. At least a few months. And I remember the first time I started riding or balancing the bike without the wheels for a more major serious ride.
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So; What do I call this; I call it. " Learning to fish and get my own fish; instead of someone else getting it for me. The upper example of riding my bike without training wheels is learning how to fish and getting my own fish. My father did not teach me how to ride my bike without training wheels; I found friends who knew someone; and I used them.
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Relationships; the next movement of development.
Activities continue to have advancement and improvement.

On with information on relationship;
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Things are still tuff; not everyone is on my side; most are on their own side; but Ive got me and God on my side.
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So; what or how does this feel; it feels like Im coming back into alignment with people and places and things again. Im starting to live again in a way; a solid way;
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Im playing guitar; a very important thing; the Guitar is the great equalizer because I cant go any faster with it; it takes work; lots n lots of it to learn how to get my hands to play the right notes n chords and shapes and things. Hours of work; Thousands of hours of work and dedication and their it is... And Im a beginner student interested... And it Weill be this way for a couple of years... if I practice everyday; Ill get better; Ill want to focus in on certain areas and get better. Its a long term kind of thing.
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So; my life is starting to show up around other and around things; interactively...
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Im starting to move into the realm of now. a smooth realm and Im praying about work and play and music creation and playing the guitar and performing and living and relationships. Moving into those things and learn to trust again./
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The universe is bringing me things; long term things; short term things; hobbies that develop my character into a solid secure way of living.
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Im sure my brother is helping me who I love with all my heart.. who Died... he is helping me from heaven.... ITs still hard to fathom; I almost started crying about him today in front of someone.. Ill pray about that was well...

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I only have is picture left...
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The people around me dont...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 131 times

Im beginning to question relationships

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 17, 2021 9:32 pm

Im beginning to question relationships.
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I have a few sponsors from different groups; generally one has one sponsor and I usually do; but Ive been at this for a long long time and end up around those who want to help and they end up playing those kind of roles; sponsorship kinds of roles; anyway>.
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They are married; happily and now how to get into relationship and make them work...
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One of my sponsors is married to a young women I rejected; I did not like how she treated men; the guys she dated... I saw them and I saw how pathological she was with them. She waited for me for 7 years; I refused. She asked me to go home with her; I refused.
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Later; my sponsor started dating her... He was not my sponsor at the time and he did not know she liked me....
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Its interesting; My sponsor with this women; she's a sociopath if ever their was one; a cold hearted little beast... So; I wondered how he could trust her and make things work... I guess she never went out on him; she was faithful. She is extremely good looking Hot; Nice body; 8 out a 10 or beyond kind of thing. So; You would think she would cheat on him; but she doesn't or didnt.
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Im going to ask him how he stays married to her... iVe asked him before because I certainly didnt want anything to do with her... I still dont; I cant date someone player like that; predator; and thats what she is or was.
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I was not going to date someone that treated her boyfriends so pathologically and could careless how they felt... She used to stare at me and give me attention much more then the other guys she was dating; of course she wanted to date me the whole time... But after seeing how she treated others; I wanted nothing to do with her...
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My sponsor wanted her as a arm trophy kind of... at least at first...
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Did I make a mistake. I mean... actually I saw her the other day; NO! I did not make a mistake. But; I never trusted her; HE trusts her and shes never gone out on him; at least I dont think so.
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They seem to be building a family together. They had a kid together... They've got about 3 kids now between them and other marriages...
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IT makes me wonder how and why he trusts her....
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Trust. is my trust problem about me or the other people I thought I could not trust.
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Maybe I could not trust myself.
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Ive had other women like me I did not get involved with... But I dont see them cheating on their boyfriends or husband. But I wanted nothing to do with them.
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So; Im starting to make friends or be part of the present again and suddenly I get it; what would it be like to be in a relationship where their are commitments and I cant walk away...
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On to another topic;
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I held all my feelings in and then got destroyed; I was so young. I had never learned to be anything other than 6.
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I made friends with the wrong people; absolutely hearted sociopaths but never knew. And I mean; I never knew. Looking back; these were people play acting me that were using me and had no human value for me because they had no human value; but I had all kinds of human values... and value.
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The best friend I had; he was not my best friend; he was no friend. iT was all wrong and all a lie. Now; in my imagination when I see myself go into that class room; instead of going up to sit by him and making him my friend. God and Jesus have me stop- I pause; I wait; I see him up front; I pivot; I turn the other direction to the south... I go to the furtherest desk in the back of the room at the fare corner; and class starts; I never meet that person ever. never in this next life time. Thus; I have to recreate my childhood around something else; this time; school; thus talking to teachers and working on grades; and thats my new narrative.
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The first girl I loved; she did not love me. She had no love; satanic; thats all it was; never knew. knew nothing. And God is slowly teaching me to hate and...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 284 times

Activites are working; next is relational

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue May 11, 2021 11:12 pm

Ill talk a bit about activities; so; ive been working on this for years...
Last year I broke through concerning art... I was able to create 10 pictures and take them into a group and put them up on chairs as if it was an art gallery opening... And that was the universe who told me that. I was able to break through.... It took several years after working on the subject...
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Relational; So; Im starting to remember when I was young and the social development I thought I would be a part of; and I was naturally heading in that direction. But that did not happen. I was pulled out of my life; the rug was pulled out from underneath me at 9 years old. Horrible. I became completely dissociated from reality;; PTSD and in freeze mode; shock mode permanently; I lost my childhood home and all things that goes with it and friends and everything. anyway; I lost all things...
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The goal is to remember who I was a child and what I wanted to do; how I was going to develop. And so; the goal is to get that social back.
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When I was pulled out of my life; I lost all friends. and I had already lost all family members; no more mother and father... Everything was destroyed; but all social interactions; friends.... I lost them all; but they also betrayed me... And so I internalized it.. as if I was a worthless person; so Im trying to get over that and come back to being valuable; but its very hard.
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So; lots of water ways to build bridges over the top. Just like for activities; its hard; Ill have to trust God to get started with the right situations or people. God knows the right directions and Ive got allot of work here... But its happened with activities... So; it will be similar for development in relationships.. But Im just getting started. And a gap resides between me and my past and the present...
So; its much like the activities situation... In fact; its the same in many ways; and Im dissociating while even talking about it or writing about it.. Ill work with God on it.. Its very hard; but Ive been here before; I have learned helplessness and other wounds... So; Ill start on it; and I feel its time; maybe just a few steps before; Im slowly catching up...
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The key is to remember who I am who I was and be up to speed with it... Im getting their but Ive been damaged... The point is; Im starting. and I have allot of damage to work through... Its pTSD.. long term.
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So; Its possible; I start by talking to God...
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Talk to God about it...
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My mind is taken through allot of different time periods; those I was living in and pulled out of to something new; and it created trauma and dramatic shock and freeze mode and learned helplessness. So; I have allot to work through.
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I will continue to work with the memories of my first love...
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IVe worked through a lot of things concerning my first love... God has let me know; their was no first love; nothing.. literally nothing accept an idea in my head. The actual person I visited was way to mentally ill for me to associate with.. I was never suppose to be their. I wasnt even suppose to get the ride that would take me to her house... I was not suppose to be their.. I was not suppose to ever go that way; ever leave the driveway of the house I was living in at the time; meaning; she didnt exist. and she didnt until I actually went to her house; but I was never suppose to do that. it was all red flags and detour signs but I never listened to it.
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Im also seeing my mother when she had already abandon me but I had to go live with her anyway because of legalities but I was not wanted.. So; I feel the horrible pain of that everyday; and the insecurity of not ever being wanted... No development and Im dissociating badly as I write about it; so; Ill have to write about it; its a trigger...

[ Continued ]

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