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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-a01eae45bbe933326b5b096d876208b0_start-75.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Wed Dec 25, 2024 8:25 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | The new struggle for a new life begins… |
The new struggle for a new life begins… . . It is beginning; The Gaps Ive worked on in the past; those gaps to close up and get me to the beginning of a new life; This change is occurring. This work has got me to the beginning of dealing with and believing in; that the jewels within reality can be obtained; obtained by me. However; Now; I have a whole new set of real challenges. I have to learn again on how to navigate in the outside world; in reality and through reality. . Im not strong enough for reality… not yet; Im right on the inner fringe of “in”: Think of someone hanging off the edge of a silver lining’d cloud… . Women; Note; Women of the past used to look up to the way I looked; they were not interested in me the person: Thats not the kind of people I wanted. I never went after what I wanted; I had nothing inside of me; I was hollowed out and thrown away…. . What did I really want; I wanted the girl next door; I wanted what God wanted for me; no one else. What I wanted were women of internal super higher quality; Think of women studying masters degrees at the University of……! Meaning; a reasonable college…. Women studying sciences or teaching… professorship. High level… A women with Masters Degrees in physics and Art! . I did not feel good enough about myself for that; To find women like that; I was 2 afraid of being looked over or passed by: However; thats where I belonged; with women whom had Masters degrees in Astronomy. OKE. So; in the present; Now that Im almost dead from old age… . Now that Im plenty years older then those in the senior center getting free lunch today; Fine; What do I do now? . Im barely on the fringe of a new life. IM BACK; Kind of… just barely wobbling around in the snow; but its not in a dream; Its not a dream; Im actually coming to; back into reality. The dream has become reality and Im here now. Im in reality barely able to make it or stand up; Not hurting as much as I used to mentally; I worked through a lot of stuff to get here… and now Im in reality… That reality is actually the escape… and I am getting some relief being in reality… I don’t have to live up to someones expectations. I always cared more about what others thought of me; I never wanted to be thrown away again the way my parents threw me away; or the fake best friend and his fake family; or the fake first girl I loved; who I meant nothing to; I was being played and manipulated by them for kicks and then I would be dumped. . . . Car; Car; Ill continue to work on this until it becomes a reality. I work on this within my imagination; and The goal is to be retooled into believing; actually believe I can have a car; having a car has to do with; lets say; someone who is squarely in reality. Or responsible… Adult like… Adults drive cars. Some adults choose not to deal with it; I understand… Totally; but they have the choice because they are adulting. Its a responsible adult thing to do. . It will take allot of strength and work to bring me back to the present and feel good in it and develop again in it; it is happening; has been happening. And that is good. . Fascinating; I wont be around the original people anymore. . . I am coming back to reality as my regional self. ; inside and out. . Its a brilliant thing to come back to reality. Im walking on water under Jesus…. . Ive emerged. Im here. Beat up from the street up; a little stronger … More present then when I was being bullied and destroyed when younger. I cant say Im coming fully out of that… Im flat down on the ground; but its my ground. . . SCHOOLING; Ive said in my writings years ago about the fun ability of maybe some day taking a class again at the local community college; maybe a pottery class or something; studying sculpting. . Today; maybe I can do that. Im like; take a bus or bike to that campus and take a class; Id be OK. Its not perfect; Im not bac... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sat Dec 21, 2024 1:33 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Next step for goals is girl friend… next step for goals; car… |
Next step for goals is girl friend… next step for goals; car… . . My minds been ruptured brutally and the affects and damage took me completely offline as a human being when young. . With massive amount of recovery work for a very long time; on my own… No past family system; Just me and whatever God could find for recovery processes… I am getting better and more inline with my higher power. It reminds me of when I was very very young child but this time; No fake friends; Im alone and on my own… and Ill have to learn how to work with God to get what I want… Work with Success based thinking process God brought to me to learn how to have success in life! . . So; here I am; a little bit stronger… and heading toward developing that confident place called; Im ready to reach out and peruse the dream of Girlfriend and Vehicle. And Ill have to learn how to do this on my own this time… and that means completely starting over. . How long with this take. Well; With my mind damaged and so weak and barely online; this is a big problem for confidence. Being present and confident is the name of the game. Im already getting there but how long would it take to be ready or up to speed with a broken shattered feeble mind like mine. . LAWS OF ATTRACTION; All the success based learning processes… . A huge gap resides between the time my nervous system and mind were put off line and destroyed; Decapitated; Well; here I am now. Im getting very much inline with my original self again but Im like operating at 20 % mental and identity strength. I mean; and that can fall down to 2%. I mean; Im on a disability; so… . So; The positive point; Im really far forward these days on stuff; meaning; Ive got specific goals. And I can see them as I work on them. . Because of the damage to my mind and the immaturity of my state and the gap between any real world experience in the real world and the real world; This will take along time to fill in. Its a strait big Gap of no experience between myself and a girlfriend and car. I mean; Its like Im a 6th grader making his way to being 16. At those ages; thats allot of experience. . Im going from young childhood where no one cared about me; So I didn’t learn anything; and Im heading into a new me. . And Im walking through brutality when I was thrown away at age 9; and I have to work through those next years; and then some how to gather my wits; and work toward my goals of an Asian girlfriend and a car. . Asian girlfriend. . Ive spent number of seasons working with the laws of attraction and no matter what I do; it always ends up the same. I end up with the number one choice for girlfriend is an Asian women for romantic interests and best friend. This is created by God and my inner being. This is their idea and no matter what I do; I cant escape it. I does make things harder…. . Ive done so much work on this subject; that its silly to even spend a second second guessing or questioning my inner being; I know what Gods direction is for me; Asian soulmate; But I have no idea how Im going to get there. And I cant say it any better then that. . What Asian women are we talking about to be my girlfriend; I don’t know; God knows… . Lately as Ive worked more on this subject; Suddenly in the center of my mind; And their she is again; An Asian women as the movement forwards in my imagination. . This actually causes allot of stress. But God will not have it any other way…. . As for Asian women sent to me by God; I don’t know; Ill continue to work with God in my imagination. I must resurrect her in my imagination first. And this is what I was suppose to be learning back in yearly junior high and later junior high and high school. I attempted such things; but I had no one… So it backfired. I got up around the wrong people and was manipulated and destroyed. . As for all aspects of car; same thing; I must know wh... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Dec 20, 2024 6:09 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | On the way out of the cave….. |
New Blog; . . On the way out of the cave….. . . Im now trenching my way out of the cave that leads to the sunlight… . Im super stronger then the past; I have a much more honed direction. Its like a solid deep trench leading strait lined to the outside… This is more like a clean strait line from within the cave to the outside… . Its a trench dug in the cave to the outside world… . What is hardest here; what stops me; What is stopping me; The lack of hope that nothing good or productive will ever happen for me; ( dysthymia); I haven't changed for new incursions to the outside world; Im still the shy lost lonely broken kid that is a victim; However, Ive been working with God on changing this for a long time. . I have no faith and connection and belief in anything; and this started when younger… Through brutal practice I learned this. Anyway… . The biggest problem is belief; will I believe; No; will I believe when I hit the outside world? . I had no parents; My whoe life; Everything was centered around my parents and family when young; Family and the concept of it meant more to me then anything. But there was no family; Thats what I didn’t understand; and will find out in the most horrible pure evil forms in the future… However; Understanding this and getting help; Im tougher these days… . NOTE: The problem is; I want to be successful… . However; Im a lost little kid and have been a litte kid; I have to be different this time; I have to have broken through certain walls with God and believe differently then when young; This time; ( pause); I need to believe! And I have to do the work to do so. . What do I need to believe in or that I will be receiving or have the ability to believe in again. . WIFE MONEY HOUSE CAR TALENTS HOBBIES EDUCATION OCCUPATION GOD/RECOVERY/CHURCH/SPIRITUALITY . As for the GOD/RECOVERY/CHURCH N SUCH; I would say this is strong and I believe… Im learning how to believe and learning to practice it; and this long before I get out of the cave; So; I depend on my relationship with God; and I must work on that; Im still a beginner when it comes to ever believing I can have things or earn things in the outer world; Things like; Wife/House/car/Money and such…. . Success is what Im looking for; And if I need help from others and I need new parents; I expect God to supply them for me… I will need a family for help and support… . I expect God to help me…. . I expect support… . So; I must keep working on myself until I am equipped with these things… I do not have any desire to be in the outside world and just be in the same poverty I was in before… I have to come out of my victim hood; have goals and plans and believe im going after them; believing God is on my side and believing in Gods power to help me and help things happen for me… . . NOTE; Ive not lived in the real world concerning working… . Im scared of the pain of a world of betrayal. Or for my innocence to be set up and betrayed again or to never be good enough for anyone. It gets to tiring… . It seems Ive spent my life in a world that has hated me since I was born… wanting to spit in my face and wanting me dead; All because Im innocent… or because I need help; its sickening to treat decent people like they are the problem….. or our bugs that need to be eradicated; unless of course one has money… and then their looked up to. . I will continue to work with God on getting humble that I appreciate any way out or through; and not worry about the work involved. Work means Im not safe; others can take advantage of me. . Right now; the most important change Im looking at is CAR; a vehicle ( but Im not humble enough). I have reservations because of the costs… I don’t think any of it is fair; its more like highway robbery to get involved in vehicles. Its just way way to expensive… I don’t have many alternatives; bicycling. But bicycle... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Thu Dec 19, 2024 12:37 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Re-connection to society; it is beginning |
Is it possible to regain my early thoughts of my life; get them back even tho Im not in that neighborhood. I speaking about getting my identity back.. Back before it was destroyed; Can I get ME back; I kind of think so… Just saying… Its a quest… New Blog; . Starting over… . Im at that point of starting over… . Im starting over… . . . Ive already connected to society. Its happened. How was it. It was a sobering experience. . One goal was with guitar. One day; I would show up at someone elses house; another guitarist and I would show up and we would learn songs as a group and go play them live…. . The other day; for the first time in my life. I took a chance; I took my guitar as is; my limited experience as a beginner; I ended up at someones house; and we played guitar and songs of interest; Together…. All afternoon. All my weaknesses exposed . . Looking in the merrier; accept and like what you see or parish. . A Thought; I have to look in the merrier and be willing to work with that guy completely if I expect anyone else to. Problem; Pride and Ego; Still think Im the King; that Ego has to go. I have to come back to reality… and Im working on it; back down to ground level or no one will be able to work with me! How bad do I want it! . What does this mean; it means I had to take a look at myself. I Seriously cant play one song. I know no lyrics to any song. I can hardly play guitar but I know a few chords… and Thank God; a few Barre Chords and some strumming. It was enough to play along with this guy at his house and end up singing a few pop songs.! . The point is; to sit with another person in a room and feel like a complete loser because its getting exposed that Ive done nothing with my life; nothing! This is an experience no one wants to miss… “ Its pure torture. And anyone that can handle the fool brunt of such things; my hat off to ya. I did it because it was suddenly upon me and I couldn’t escape. . And this will go on for 20-40 minutes; the worst horrible feeling in the world; slammed to the ground, and another 20 minutes later; ground’d into powder and dismantled at the base; lowest level of a deep unwanted lake… Whats it feel like to be ground into gravel; thats its only purpose to old up mountain bike tires of drunken teenagers as they and then thug bunch go to the lake… . Its a true right of passage; and Im not sure everyone can handle it; I swear; Its enough to make a man drink! . . What has happened to me in my life; Well; Ive lived off a dream fantasy land Unicorn purple universe All of my Life. It rolled back onto itself and I never left the inner realm where I was fed by my own morbid reflection; I just looked at my reflection all my life; never ventured out. The times I did; I got slaughtered in all directions… SO; I never thought I was good enough or worthy to be in reality. . And when I work with God and ask the right questions; and God brings needed support that I participate in and learn to trust over time; Fantasy land dies or its pulled out from under me; Suddenly the realization that nothing in my head exists in the real world. And with work and luck and God; Im pulled back into the backyard of regular life once again; in reality; where; I do something it counts; I can show for it. I can feel it see it spend it. Ride it; fly it; touch it… . shattering the illusion yesterday at my friends house while playing guitar; the beginning of connection; All the fantasies Ive lived off; all my life; They don’t exist in the real world; nothing! Zero; and to feel it and be cornered with that; was enough for a nervous break down. . . So; whats it like to survive this realization; being slammed with it with no place to run; whats it like to suddenly realize my laziness has turned me from “Strong Stone” to a poisoness pond made of stagnation n contamination. . Well; by facing atleast one or 2 e... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Tue Dec 10, 2024 11:22 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | WHere am I at right now with Goals; desires..... |
New Blog… . . The Goal is to work with God; Im learning the techniques to let go of a PRIDE; The bad kind… The main component Biblically of the 7 Deadly sins… Much work will be required... ! . Pride is a ruthless demonic predator… Pride is like a jail sentence; an electric fence that wont let go… It surrounds me and tells me Im right when Im not happy… Its literally the wrong way.. its like a wrong way highway… Its like eating Cake made out of sawdust. The more I eat the more I starve; But I never know it! . Pride is what I seek Gods help concerning; To break Pride; To jump down from Pride and start digging under Pride… dig n dig n dig so deep and low; that when I get on my knees to God put my arms out in front of me; with palms up and plead for Gods help with my face in the ground; That when I pray Im far below God looking upward; God Is upward I am lowly… and I beg for help because Im starving; starving for everything in life… I become willing because I become broken… Im below God out of reverence to show got any and all forms of respect that God might share with me a little morsel of anything that will help or give relief… Because; I cannot seem to make things work. Im not managing my life....... . Desperately; I reach out to God humbly and ask for help. . I pray to God on my knees below God; as if a starving child who is reaching out for food. Ill take anything I can get; I don’t care…. And Ill eat everything from the plate… If Only God will care… . In this position of starvation and the opportunity to be given a chance; and that Im reaching upward for something; because Im helpless and in want; In this position; Im in a perfect attitude to receive.. My Pride wont be blocking it Hopefully; Ill be to broken down to care; to desperate… . That is the goal. I want to receive from God. And it can only happen when Im below God and in appreciation of looking up. . . Here are the goals. . Wife/Family Money House Car Talents; the use of....... Education; What I want to be when I grow up Occupations; Work; Careers…. The ability to independently go after work Im interested in. To even believe such a thing exists; and that I can feel good enough about myself to participate in it…. TO become what I dream of doing. To become a professional… Or what ever I want to be…. HOBBIES…. . . . What does the beginning goal of these things look like. . FIRST: Im interest in a few questions; A. What do I want B. What will it cost me… . If I want a wife; Who am I looking for; And Under God; What do I have to become to equal what Im looking for so I can attract it. . MONEY; Attracting Money; to be Money successful… TO believe in such things; that I can be this person and have this level of money…. The Pathways… UnderGod… . HOUSE: A. What House; What do I want; what does it look like. B. What will it cost me; How Much…. . CAR A. What do I want B; What will it cost me. . Talents; A. What do I want… B. How good do I need to be; what will it take to become that higher standard of what I want to be… Under Gods sovereign state… What is the standard of presentablility. . Education; A. What do I want; what direction B. What will it take to get terrific grades through the whole process… C. What will it Cost me…. Under Gods sovereign state. . Occupation; A. What do I want B; what will it cost. What do I have to become to get up to speed for what I want.. . HOBBIES; A. What do I want B. What will it cost me! . . NOTE: So; In my first round with all of my goals; Im mainly asking the question; What do I want; What will it cost me? . Im not looking for more then that right now. Im first looking to answer those questions; those 2 general questions for each life purpose area… . . . . WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW> . HOUSE; A. What do I want B. What will it cost me. . Has the univer... [ Continued ] |
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