Next move forward…
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So; Im showing signs of accepting that the past is gone; That I was in the wrong; I self invited myself into the lives of many people who where never asking for my presence. These people did not know me; never asked to meet me; had no clue I existed; were not reaching out to the universe to meeting me; As for as I know; After dealing with them; I doubt it.
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I simply walked into the arena of other peoples lives and made up a narrative as I went along; I was delusional and mentally ill and many other things. Of course; the innocence of my age is part of this.
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On there side; they played it into the ground; They knew what I was doing but had no conscious about letting it develop. I was trying to create friendships with them; They were not interested in me or my friendships with them. For the women involved; no attraction; in fact; I imagine its more repulsion. As for the guys; I thought I was bonding with them as a best friend getting closer then a brother; Nothing could be further from the truth. No one there was interested in being my friend; they thought I was scum trash and they were way way superior from the start. They only allowed me around them for very contrived reasons I knew nothing about. Mainly their parents wanted another guy around them so they would not grow up alone; The parents wanted their kids socialized and because I lived in the area; I was a good bet to use. And USED I was; and fooled and that was all. I had no idea they were being nice to me and playing me as long as I hung around their kid. But as soon as I hit a certain age; meaning their kid hit a certain age; they were no longer interested in having their kid around someone to be socialized; suddenly everything kind of changed and started to get worse for me. It kind of creep’d in on all sides; what they really thought of me. It wont be until Im later in high school age that things will start to unravel. I wont find out that these people were never friends of mine.
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Anyway.
I have enough information on all of this to see the truth. Their was no one interested in me or my friendship; No one attracted to me or interested any romantic relationships ( The young women); And these young women were never interested in any kind of friendship or any type of relationships or situation -ship or introduction-ship. I meant nothing to them the first time they saw me until the last time they saw me.
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Heres the deal; No one ever came to me to start an association. I was simply a stranger that showed up at their door step many times for various reasons but never by their invitation.
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“ You win some; you lose some”.
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They had no attraction for me at any level ever.. So; I really had no right being around them. I mean; They never came around me. Someone else always got me to them; to their house; to their lives. Im not sure they ever did anything other then act cordial with basic hospitality. I may have miss read everything. Because looking back; no one ever made any gestures of interest toward me for any reason. I would show up at someones house; The people in the house were nice; they are pleasant; I was a guest. They might offer me a coke. And that was that. I was never more then a guest for very short increments. And that's all. Looking back; they were cordial when I was a guest and so not much to say accept thats as far as anything really existed. I was extremely mentally ill and dissociated from reality and really created a bunch of stuff in my head about strangers that never happened and never existed..
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So.
WHERE AM I AT NOW.
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Well; Im showing real progress and enthusiasms of moving forward. However; Altho Im basically over the past on things; It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the loss of not ever having a real past as I move forward.
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I can feel the grief of never really having a younger life; it was snuffed out by the time I was in 5th grade a...
[ Continued ]