This wont be easy to talk about.. Horrors from this period are holding me back right now; Im dissociating and it has something to do with stopping me from dating or feeling like Im even good enough to date anyone..
.
I see lots of picts in my head; a local bully that bullied everyone
I see a sadistic teacher that bullied me sadistically and a principal from that grade school.
I see the other 6th grade from the other grade school on the coast. I can feel the anger and fear welled up in me; remember; as the anger builds up in me Im terrified to the point of feeling nothing; totally numb but the terror is registered all over my body... In every direction; and later sexual abuse... And 5th grade where all of this starts at a more severe level; Im ran over PTSD and dissociating into a dream world as I watch my worst nightmares in this life unfold in front of me and no escape for me; nothing... And then im stripped of my life.
.
And after being stripped of my life; thats what I need to talk about....
.
I can make a list
.
1, fear adjuration from sexual abuse
losing my house
being bullied everyday
grandfather monster pervert; being pretorized every hour
fake grand mother of pure evil; lier cheat
brothers ; not my brothers anymore
false freinds suddenly not on my side
school system against me; how could I have done something to them ; I was in the 7th-8th grade.
6th grade; all of it; 2 parts; in the city at the caost; cant remember any of it in the school system; what does that tell you; I was bullied the first day I got their; caught me off guard. do not remember anything else accept the bullies. And some teachers; but the bulling was suvere because I had no place to go... nothing; and im going to have to work through that possibly see safe places and then theirs my mother the psychopath; living with her alone in that horrible lonely house or area. isolated and her at home; witch... No love; psychopath.... and the alcoholic new father... unbelievable nightmare from where I came from. could not perform in school; zero at that point because of trauma...
back home again; back to the same grade school treated as an outsider and outcast and trouble maker; they never got my hair cut; did it on purpose. the people I was living with. They knew exactly what they were doing; never got me braces for my teeth; had plenty of money. I was being raped and or abused... no locks on my door at night. and other things; being prodded around like a girl; chased like one. This causes massive horror and I wanted kill; blow up the world.
Bullies in this new area; bullies all over the place in this new area living with my Grandmother... She was a witch... a psychopath like her husband. unbelievable.
Best friend; no more friend; complete stranger as if he had never met me...
No more neighborhood.
No more relatives; it was all staged... They were never my relatives.
Suddenly I blamed girls in school who didnt notice me or like me because they didnt want to be friends with me.... I thought about them when young; how nice they were; but they never thought about me... thought I was stupid or worthless. Not good enough..
.
later; Ill have girls like me but I treat them like I treated these other girls before this. Ill treat the girls that like me with contempt as if they dont like me.. .its a kind of gas lighting to get them into being the predators that are targeting me and Im the victim who has the right to leave them. And ill take about that at some point; making situations out of nothing in order to leave a women or young women so I dont have to follow through with her... pure coward-ess and ill look at this at some point. but cant follow through.. to much history pulling me back.
innocent of massive bulling when older; 14 to 19.
Mother psychopath at 16 attacking me brutally with sub human words but trapped in a car with her... caused so much damage to my nervous system and my self worth; made...
[ Continued ]