Im now remembering my childhood; not all of it; but allot of things and allot of the house I came from and my bedroom and things. And Im remembering what it was like being in my bedroom and what I did and day dreaming and being me and dreaming and thinking about my future. And so; my identity is getting stronger.
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Ive scarified allot in order to get my identity back; I never thought I would ever get this far.
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Im at a lot of meetings; as I slowly learn to define my space and social position in those meetings; I realized something today. As I get stronger and more solid; would it be possible to feel that solidness anywhere? Could I get to a place where I feel safe all day long no matter where I go.
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Could I practice feelings safe and whole at other places besides a 12 step meeting. its the first time ive felt this way since being a child; but then Ive not had my memories either. And this would be the first time I attempted to take self out of the meetings and apply somewhere else as the real me; feeling self empowerment; being present; being the higher level character self; Being me other places besides meetings.
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Could I learn to be my free self with confidence anywhere. if so; why would I have to go back to meetings.... That is what Im working toward; this idea of looking at that world as a place I can be and feel safe; at specific places. This is something for me to work toward.
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IT hit me today; all of this. It starts in my apartment. I then is practiced at meetings and then Ill take it other places. Its about feeling good inside and being me in other places; conferrable in other places. Not freaked or needy or hyper vigilant.... This is truly a break through for me; The idea. Because if I can pull it off; why would I have to go to meetings to share and be myself if I could do it anywhere... possibly I would look for more sophisticated places to be myself.
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The general public is still rude and crude concerning my condition; meaning; when Im practicing social; they want to slam me down verbally, verbally put me in my place; keep me in a holding patter. hopefully I will mature out of all this and move on to better things; but thats through experience.
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The point is; Im trying to do trauma work in places not set up for sensitive victims of trauma; and that can be dangerous and like walking a tight rope;. Ive have numerous mistakes and altho its an art form; Ive had the paint plashed in my face many times and violently at times; verbally and physically; so; its like a balancing act in these places with the general public who would not appreciate my condition; would not have a clue.
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So; Im not back yet; meaning; my full personality where I feel good and developing and safe; with this; Ill have to take it up with the universe to get me to the right people and places and things. And I would like to feel safe where I live; Ill take it up with the universe. The problem is; when I felt safe; it was for a few years when very young. And Im not in that house anymore; I get triggered when I feel safe because I want to go home and can't go home to that house when I was young. I can in my imagination; and God has given me that. hopefully I can bring up the rest of my memories in imagination from that good time period and start building a deeper identity and become me again.

Had some bad events happen; necessary I guess from the higher form of universal intelligence; my higher power; creating situations that curtailed many social experiments and false support; to getting back on my feet reaching out to new support.
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With a background like mine; the middle class just won't do. I need anti social traumatized people; broken injured people looking for change within the recovery process who are heading back to the middle class. And Im finding it.
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When one has CPTSD and looking for help and connection; church is the last place on earth to go. So; I go into the recovery rooms looking for people just like myself.
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Lately Ive let go or working on letting go or accepting that Ive let go of several people who had no business in my life to start with; one more set of fake integers stealing me blind predatorizing in one for or another.
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The opportunity to meet and visit new people was opened to me. I took it. That is important; I took it; it was opening up to me.. And I took it. I visited today; it was the beginning of a new era for me. Im slowly coming back to my own version of the middle class.
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I had middle class friends when a child; but when I was hurt; they all abandon me. I was not just devastated; I was in shock. And curious; How could this be; Why was I being blamed for what abusers did to me. Later I learned they never liked me or accepted me in the first place; I never knew because I was 2 young; its sickening; but I was 2 young. I did not know the evil of man or its children.
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So; finally now; as I slowly get better and choose to go forward with my life; new people are presented to me that represent a merrier of myself; someone trying to get back into the middle class from an anti social protectant position. Using middle class people for this would be worthless; it has to be broken anti social people who are purposely struggling to find their way back; with Gods help; to middle classism. And I am no different; and it's working. and its good to have friends. Its a bit different I mean; and its strange. Im a decent innocent person from the middle class when I was a child and I shall return to it but not by way of middle classism or its people. Instead; I go to the house of the broken and forge a new path with other brothers to this destination of sanity; the middle class.
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God is working in my life and leading me to the right people and places and things.
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I tell God what I want; I dont ask. I tell God as if Ive already been doing it and thanking him for it.
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The next area Ill keep working on is a wife.

I have one brother from my past Im working through denial concerning. He ran me over emotionally when young; he is a criminal sociopath. So; I was manipulated and used as supply to be taken advantage of. and it worked; I was used as supply; I took a subordinate position because I had no one else after being thrown away as a child. I was completely alone and in traumatic shock at which I will stay and get worse with time until Im completely dissociative and not present anymore.
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I did not know what a criminal was; and did not know he was a sociopath and been one long before I discovered it. And I was being used the whole time. I did not know; I should have been scared and alert and on guard but did not understand. I did not understand the red flags and he was my only brother left. The only family member I could be close with as a family; I clung on to him.
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When I look back I see a brother; in reality; after he turned into a sociopath; their was no brother; their may never have ever been a brother; but instead a stranger playing a covert narcissistic roll. I had no idea who this was. Or I was in a state of confusion and denial about what was really going on and in all innocence continued to see him as a brother...
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Im having a hard time letting him go; Im grieving as if he is my older brother; but in reality; this is my view from television; I wanted him to play the role I saw on television show; and thats how I choose to see him and could never let go of this dream; if I had to let go of this dream I was broken hearted and broken hearted again. I wanted control so I could survive.
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So; my mother died; a psychopath; I was left nothing in the will; However, other things were left to me from another relative... My brother the criminal scooped it up; pushed it under the rug and theirs no proof of it or mention of it... I lost what was left to me from another relative; Id have to go to court to get it. My mother tried to get these things from me while still alive out of hatred; She was also a criminal.... same level.
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The point is; this brother is a sadistic sociopathic criminal and nothing more; their is no brother here; this is a criminal that is covert and stealing from other including me; or swindle others out of their stuff; and its worked. I feel so insecure when I say it and see it and feel it; the feelings of insecurity and being alone hit me and scare me to death.
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The problem is; I have to stop looking at this person as a human being and a brother; and that is hard; really really really hard because Id have to stop looking at him as a part of my life as a child. All of it has to be changed.
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Im getting stronger and Im more willing to see this for what it really is; but is shakes up my whole childhood experience it; it destroyed how I viewed everything as a child.  This breaks my view of childhood. And that is to hard for me right now. However, Im getting stronger and its just a matter of time before I can see clearly and need to be concerned clearly; this is not a friend of mine and is no family member with me... no connection; I guess Im mad that he pulled the rope out first; disentangled himself and cut the ties with me; did it long before I knew what happened.
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So; Im trying to work through the grieving and heart break of all this; working through the grieving process. Im stuck in it; So; instead of flight or fight; Im heading out to the community and getting help for it; Im not staying in isolation and brewing on it until I go crazy. And this is something I never did when dealing with trauma in situations like this; I just held it all in and walked around as a victim of criminals....
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The way he talks to me is of someone that is owed something; like he's entitled because the world did him in so I owe him because I represent society that he never got to be apart of; Im not a person; Im just another number of society he has the right to destroy because ...

[ Continued ]

Things can change for me if I want them to. Im not suggesting it's easy to face; I have so many flashbacks and negative thoughts attack me. However, I have a good voice; a voice that is reassuring. the problem is the other part of me that gets scared; and Im hoping to work through that with meditation.
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The point is; with CPTSD; Im starting to understand whats happening; and the voice has been changed; but the visualizes have not been changed. I need new thoughts and to believe them; thoughts of hope and to believe them. I think this is possible.
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I have learned-helplessness and I see thoughts of my childhood and expectations and hope and all is destroyed and I dint want to see that anymore; I want new thoughts to go with my new voice. I am working on it; giving it a chance; I can see possibilities; Im not sure what to work on through this. But Ill try some things. I want to feel safe and free and be myself in the outside world; I can kind of see it now as Im writing. It has to do with how I feel about myself and being inline with myself.
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I want to put out more work concerning CPTSD; getting better; getting over the deeper self hate and hopelessness and I think I can pull this off; my mind is weak tho; so I must train it. I want the future to look bright....
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Im no longer interested in what narcissists were planning against me; to destroy my life; which they were doing all my life; I want them written off and I getting on with my life the way it was. suppose to be. Thats what Im working on and looking for....

Everything about my life is a fake; the first thing that comes to mind is the house I lived at as a child and being pulled away from it; that is when I became a fake; I had all things pulled out; not just the house; all things pertaining to a family and a future with a family; and a future in school and friends and marriage and college and achievements and experiences in a middle class world. All things were pulled out; and many more than what Im describing.
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So; how do I get back there; Im working on that. in the mean time Im a fake to the world. All things have to be made up as if I came from something; anything.
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I have to fake all of it; act the part to survive. For example; I learned no math in school and no English... I learned nothing; nothing at all. In the first grade I was thrown away the first day.... It was already over with. Trauma was already developed.. .
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I learned no more then a first or second grader in my entirety of schooling; no schooling; I was just their...
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I refused to be apart of any of it. The place disgusted me. I was pulled away from my life and thrown away. no way out... no one cared; I was then completely ignored and forgotten by all as if I had never been or never been born and it will remain that day onto this day.... As if I never existed.
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I act as if I was in sports; so I can appear to be like a jock; this showing Im strong and developed; but I was never strong or developed. I was never in sports; It was stolen from me. Ill have to act like myself and stop acting like I was in sports or taking credit for it.... Im trying to act like Im tuff; but I was never involved in anything. So their is no tuffness coming from sports... I wanted to talk like I did; but why? I being me was 2 fragile and small and could not survive taking care of myself; I was not enough and had no home and no place to go or hide; nothing. I was thrown away. +
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I never played sports; I wanted to and planned on it when I grew up; but I never did. I never played any sports in school. But I wanted to walk around like I did; like I was tuff.... But I wasn't; I mean; to play sports you have to work at things... it's not free. But without that false identity; I was nothing and had nothing to put in its place.
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My whole life has all Been like sports; it's all been fake. I never did anything ever; nothing; I was stripped of my life. now Im trying to get it back. But I cant get something back I never had. So; Im trying to accept myself without any of the things I always wanted to have and that fact I was stripped of a life and put into situations where I was sexually abused and physically at times and thrown away completely to the point of being forgotten completely.
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So; who am I. Im a person at this point when a child; just before developing any dreams and then I was destroyed. So; I have to become this child again who is real but without any defenses to protect the lies I've created about myself to survive in unserviceable survivable situations. Im trying to act like the guy that beat up all 12 of the bad guys and now is getting my own banquette and a reward for it; a pat on the back and a trophy....
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I have to let it go and try another way; a way that works. I gave up on the spontaneous artist thing. I never even attempted it. I attempted nothing. I was able to maintain being myself; I would switch personalities.
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Im working to pull out of myself when I start lying about myself or think I have to be in freeze mode around others and then lie to get out of it.
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Ive got no friends. Im alone. I know people. But Im not in this town for any other reason then to survive and try to get better; no other reason.
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I know God is trying to create ego reduction within me. I suppose it will work; I have to feel protected and loved; that would be nice; and I have to see new pictures in my head of my original house; get that back into my mind; my original childhood......

[ Continued ]