This wont be easy to talk about.. Horrors from this period are holding me back right now; Im dissociating and it has something to do with stopping me from dating or feeling like Im even good enough to date anyone..
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I see lots of picts in my head; a local bully that bullied everyone
I see a sadistic teacher that bullied me sadistically and a principal from that grade school.
I see the other 6th grade from the other grade school on the coast. I can feel the anger and fear welled up in me; remember; as the anger builds up in me Im terrified to the point of feeling nothing; totally numb but the terror is registered all over my body... In every direction; and later sexual abuse... And 5th grade where all of this starts at a more severe level; Im ran over PTSD and dissociating into a dream world as I watch my worst nightmares in this life unfold in front of me and no escape for me; nothing... And then im stripped of my life.
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And after being stripped of my life; thats what I need to talk about....
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I can make a list
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1, fear adjuration from sexual abuse
losing my house
being bullied everyday
grandfather monster pervert; being pretorized every hour
fake grand mother of pure evil; lier cheat
brothers ; not my brothers anymore
false freinds suddenly not on my side
school system against me; how could I have done something to them ; I was in the 7th-8th grade.
6th grade; all of it; 2 parts; in the city at the caost; cant remember any of it in the school system; what does that tell you; I was bullied the first day I got their; caught me off guard. do not remember anything else accept the bullies. And some teachers; but the bulling was suvere because I had no place to go... nothing; and im going to have to work through that possibly see safe places and then theirs my mother the psychopath; living with her alone in that horrible lonely house or area. isolated and her at home; witch... No love; psychopath.... and the alcoholic new father... unbelievable nightmare from where I came from. could not perform in school; zero at that point because of trauma...
back home again; back to the same grade school treated as an outsider and outcast and trouble maker; they never got my hair cut; did it on purpose. the people I was living with. They knew exactly what they were doing; never got me braces for my teeth; had plenty of money. I was being raped and or abused... no locks on my door at night. and other things; being prodded around like a girl; chased like one. This causes massive horror and I wanted kill; blow up the world.
Bullies in this new area; bullies all over the place in this new area living with my Grandmother... She was a witch... a psychopath like her husband. unbelievable.
Best friend; no more friend; complete stranger as if he had never met me...
No more neighborhood.
No more relatives; it was all staged... They were never my relatives.
Suddenly I blamed girls in school who didnt notice me or like me because they didnt want to be friends with me.... I thought about them when young; how nice they were; but they never thought about me... thought I was stupid or worthless. Not good enough..
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later; Ill have girls like me but I treat them like I treated these other girls before this. Ill treat the girls that like me with contempt as if they dont like me.. .its a kind of gas lighting to get them into being the predators that are targeting me and Im the victim who has the right to leave them. And ill take about that at some point; making situations out of nothing in order to leave a women or young women so I dont have to follow through with her... pure coward-ess and ill look at this at some point. but cant follow through.. to much history pulling me back.
innocent of massive bulling when older; 14 to 19.
Mother psychopath at 16 attacking me brutally with sub human words but trapped in a car with her... caused so much damage to my nervous system and my self worth; made...

[ Continued ]

Brothers in arms; what does it mean
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My adolescent period that had nothing; no development accept being pushed down and destroyed and abandoned and molested and bullied to death and thrown away again and pure neglect of my intelligence development spirituality and identity; a complete destroyed crushed identity... I was not allowed to have one; and thus my mind melted away into the outer spaces of the universe and left this planet and anything present.
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Fast froward to now.
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So; in order to fulfill my dreams or desires; some how the universe is going to have to rebuild my adolescence years and thats whats happened or happening... its not complete but what is complete is IM BACK.
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Ive got new friends; and they are showing me how to live a life from boyhood to manhood; that specific turning point. Im getting the chance to experience that.... Ive already experienced it.
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I have friends that are best friends; mentors, father figures, brothers, buddies and many other hats; car building instructors; and I also play a role with them; and they have shown me what life looks like working through adolescence; they have a truck and a house, and a wife, and a career and have shown me how to get it by praying for it; the right way.... and Ive hung out with these guys for a while now and its starting to ware off on me; Im starting to turn into them; all inline with God; just the way it should be,.
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Where do I go from here. I dont know. Many good things are happening for me and some sad things that are necessary for me to move on with Gods plans...
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One area Im walking up with is women; the women of yesterday; are not interested in me and I have to let them go. Its hard concerning some of them because I haven't accepted that they never liked me I just thought they did. I thought they liked me more then they actually liked me; throwing me away was not hard for them; it was 2 easy; way to easy; so easy that maybe I had mistaken them for someone else... and I dont like to look at that but I have been delusional from the dissociative condition...
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So; as I get better and more inline with learning how to go from boyhood to next level hood and thats here now; Im in it; but Ive been dropped in it as recently as yesterday; Im new to it and dont really have a clue about what I'm suppose to do; the next move in this specific arena.. I dont know.
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Im seeing the the right kind of women comes along after I establish myself as who I really am; and that has happened or is happening; actually hasn't happened yet; Im on the fringe on the correct side of the lines with no experience; no new experiences in it yet; just small social experiences; its like establishing myself in my foundation; its happened but I haven't got anything else built yet. or I have a home built but I haven't been in it more then an hour so I cant tell you anything about it.
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Im working on or waiting or working with God on the next move forward; I dont know; its like; what am I suppose to be doing right now this moment that is fun and exciting and building my future. What am I suppose to be doing; and when I know how that feels; ill feel that feeling and bringing in what kind of reality I want to be apart off.
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As for women; as I get more stable in my new life experience; someone will slowly come along... All others from the past; the doors are closed. However, God has opened one door for me to practice positive visualizations of her so I can turn that broken relationship around into something positive; very important for my future relationships.
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The goal is to pray for what I want; the next move forward; I mean; I dont know what I want; accept to move forward down the line of; I pray for the courage to be under Gods direction"'; and their it is...
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So; Ill keep working to be under Gods direction; thats all I want and right now I want to know what it is Im suppose to be doing under Gods...

[ Continued ]

The new social development Ive been working on for 5 years has began.
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Ive worked with the laws of attraction for 7 years. 6 of those years starting manifesting. Soulmate stuff started in 2016-2017...
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The idea was; I had to come out of my dissociative condition and AVPD and back to life. It doesn't mean I dont have those disorders; it means from underneath Ive got a whole new set of experiences using recovery and success based thinking materials and practice.
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I saw the end result; Im with professional people holding my own socially; or more then that; it means I believe again; Ive got a goal and working toward it and it was social and I had no idea how this was going to happen; how could I tolerate it.
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So; I was siting in the park writing my new stories of my life and visualizing... How was I ever going to be part of society again; no clue. But I kind of did; and I saw the end result; like someone wearing a suit at someones dinner party in the back yard... And mingling with the guests... And its started.
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At the bank today; had to sit down with the loan officer; I was just depositing; but he called me over; covid and all; didnt bother the tellers. So; Ive always been withdrawn freaked out; stressed dissociated nervous; agitated avoidant... This time was different; much different; it was small but it was the new me; a little of it; like a ghost from Christmas past showing up to be present again.
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I was showing signs; small signs of confidence; facing this dude; not letting my guard down but facing forward. Not easy; so much shame and feeling intimidated; but I made it through; kind of a half n half. He seemed so much more then me; I was on the other side of the world; on the bottom of the ocean; thats what it felt like; like I was marine life and he was a success; a successful business man of the community; But this time it was different; I looked for all the reason I could not complete but this time I switched it up and told myself I was good enough. And just sat their; and held my own at some levels. At all levels; but my level was low; but not out. Not like before. This was nothing like before. Im rising; thats the best way to put it.
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I held my own; it wasn't easy; but it was; and it was real and actual movement away from the past into the preset can be measured in that interaction... And thats what counts; I still have the C-PTSD brain; and AVPD; but I managed to manifest an experience on the spot in the real world where I was half way nervous and scared and present and make the best of things. I was polite; I answered all the small talk questions; I was a bit nervous; I still wanted to avoid; I was avoidant but I was part of the community he came from for that moment. In the past I was not part of anything or any part of civilization; Now I am; mover shaker power. It wasn't much but it was real and it was up to speed.. mean; Ive made in roads like I set out to 5 years ago... its now happening; and I think its happening in the time frame I thought it would; about 4 years.. Well; Ill have to add a few years to really get up to speed.
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Since its all brand new territory; Ill have to manifest and want to manifest new social experiences. Ill have a change of heart and attitude and want it and manifest or want manifestations of new experiences socially... The manifestation is the change of attitude toward this; to build confidence and belief that this is possible... I can feel the change as I write.
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Its actually beginning today; today is proof of the beginning; its a brutal ruff beginning. But its real.
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Real changes show up when Im not watching; Im put into a situation I have to face; and in that situation; I see how well I do after the event... And thats whats happened here...
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Because of trauma; because of hatred with the people who I was forced to live with as a child; what you call a mother and father; those monsters; because of AVPD/Dissociative Disorder/CPTSD/Agoraphobia/Sexual abuse/Abandonment; I cant be friends with women. But its non of those things I just claimed as the problem; I dissociate; so badly up close to being interactive with women; Im no longer present; Its like being schizophrenic. The point is;
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Am I suppose to be around women and be their friend; yes; but so much PTSD goes off and I freeze up right in the middle of self; I mean right in the core of myself; and its so humiliating...
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One answer is to slowly learn to tell the person about it so I dont get expectations about the situations. Because; how can anyone guarantee no pain or abandonment in a relationship; How. Impossible. What I want; I want to break through the dissociative wall. That wall went up during sexual abuse and farce abandonment that I did not see coming; and grief of loosing my house as a child and my way of life and the horrible damage to my mind PTSD. I lost everything and had to hold it all in. no more family or life or culture nothing; totally stripped of my life and everything associated with it. And so I have walls up; And these deeper walls keep women out.
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Keeping women out vs having women as friends.
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One area thats been missing with women is making them my friends; wanting to spend time with them and get to know them and laugh with them and all the other day in and day out stuff. I could not do it. The problem was; I didnt have sex with them either. I ended up doing nothing; nothing made any sense accept I didnt trust anyone. But then I never told a women what I wanted or didnt want; Why was I asking them out in the first place; for what? If I just wanted Sex; well; should have just told them that.
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So; Ill work on this. One area that frustrates me is using some women; bad experiences against all women; And I do that all the time; pathologically... And I dont feel its wrong; but I know the core of self; all that horror and anger and rage and pain; but that has to do with my mother; over n over n over n over n over; a psychopath. And thats part of it; and other women when I was younger; those women in charge; but evidence indicates those women were also sociopaths and worse. So; it sucks I got stuck and humiliated by this filth; but that cant represent all people.
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So; no relationships with women if I can be friends with them. And I dont move forward with women if I cant be friends with them.
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I havent asked any women out in years. and before; when I did; I did nothing... I did not communicate with them or go out on a date with them; I have to really look at that; I didnt want to get hurt by anyone though interaction. But I have to get to a place they dont hurt me anymore: mean; where Im stronger then that and can date them.
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So; I have a goal; its to become emotionally sane again and free with a new script of my past and once I feel safe again and not under siege; maybe I can approach and talk to women on a daily basis again. I can feel the dissociation and brain washing slip in as Im talking about it putting me to sleep; its automatic; this tells me this is an area that has not been addressed yet; lost of split personalty in this; 2 people maybe more; 2 sets of memories and beliefs.. Its very uncomfortable to write right now... So; opening this area up shows me the hope I had as a child and how I was crushed and im feeing a bit of both sides of that right now; its causing panic and discomfort. Im getting paranoid that something terrible is going to happen.
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So; I have allot of scripting to do to become independent of my past and free to be me now. Im getting their; working toward it; but I can feel this section of my life; no recovery in this area yet; haven't touched it yet...
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So; Its about me liking myself;...

[ Continued ]

Ive never had any friends. I thought I did; I did not. I had false friends; horrible monsters masquerading as friends; they were just using me; nothing was real. Hopefully Ill get over someone of it or them; I hope.
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I will get over them. Im just shocked at the way I was used and then treated; it was insane. IT was torture...
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Friendships; When I think of what Im looking for in women; its a friendship first. But how. it never worked before. I never trusted them and for good reason; not the horrible monsters I was dealing with. I dont feel good enough for anyone else; not after what Ive been through and the way Ive been ridiculed.
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OK; Im getting it I guess; friendships. How. They never wanted to be friends with me before.. Non of them. Any women I was interested in shunned me at some point. I couldn't make any mistakes; but they got to make as many as they wanted to. My friendship meant nothing to them..
So; Ill keep working on getting my own life in order and I think thats possible. Ill work with God concerning women; to learn how to attract the right friends and where I would meet them.... God will bring them; friends.
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So; friendship; and friends with women. Ill start praying about it. I can look back and see it... I can see women that wanted to be my friend. But I couldn't come to grips with that statement. I mean; even now writing it; I couldn't come to grips with it like that. I mean; having women back in my life; what does that mean. my whole young life and all its dreams of family; all destroyed; So; no parents around for anything. No parents for regular middle class experiences. Now; things are changing. Not having money; Ill pray about this; This just isn't what I wanted; Ill talk to God about all this. Will I ever be enough just to be at ground level. I have to keep working with God on all of this.
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What does a real friend look like. I tried to build a friendship with a girl when I was in my teens. It fell through; I meant something to me but nothing to her? doesn't make any sense to me... I tried to have a best friend when very young; he turned out to be a complete fake. He could care less who I was; It was all in my head that I thought he was a friend. He was never my friend.
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I cant make God go faster; I can work with the laws off attraction and pray for another soulmate; this time; ones I want to be friends with.