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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
Archives
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Finding my voice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm

Expressing my opinion was shut down because I was thrown away when young by those and society who were suppose to protect me; society got in on it and murdered me as well; it was like having my opinion shoved down my throat; and terror took its place... It was like have my life ripped out; A child needs a stable base on which to speak; and that base was pulled out on me as a child; which is totally immoral; but psychopaths are lawless; they have no concept of morality; nothing...
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My voice was shut off as a boy; if I stayed quiet but had a stable background; that would have been different; but it wasn't; I was used and continued to be used; I knew something was not right; but I did not know it was my Dad that was causing it; that the neglect was coming from him; it was; but I was to young to recognize it; I thought he was on my side. Later I would realize; he was on no ones side; he was a sociopath and a potential serial rapist of women... And a fraud; a sociopathic fraud. He was not safe for anyone to be around; certainly not children; because he would use them; he would be-friend them for a purpose; general to act out his social elite fantasies; meaning; he could walk around and show the world that he had a family and was a father; in reality; he was not paying for anything; monetarily he was not a father. What does this mean; it appears he wanted to play house; I wanted to play with the children but not feed them. And at some point; with further inquiry; he didn't play all that much or of any length of time with the children. In fact; he was only seen when he was home. And he wasn't home all that much; he was in the works for himself; The kids were along for amusement or boredom; and were present for nothing more. I was used; I was an opportunity for my fathers interests in other places; he would take me places; to peoples houses so he could look like an important family man; he would not take my older brothers; only me; now I know why; my older brothers already knew what these animals were like; they knew he was exploiting children and he could not get away with it with older children; but a 5 year old he could get away with it.
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As far as my mother; no mother; a psychopath waiting in the wings to see if my fathers family pans out as an opportunity for money; if it falls through; she's gone; that is her only interest in staying in that family system; she has no other; the money and a place to hide. She made a mistake on this marriage; This is her 5th attempt at a marriage relationship; by the time she's with my father; I believe he is number 2; she tried to be married several time; but they fell through. She may have been married a 3rd time before Im born; Im not sure; no on told me when I was young that she had been previously married. I did not know she had been married before. She tried to hook up with a boy in high school; The boys parents saw what she was; and got the boy out of their. She tried to hook up with a guy in college; he got out of their. She married a guy in college; another guy; married for 5 years; He got out of their. My father was a kid from a farm; she thought she had it made; He was dumb and innocent and believed in love; how foolish; he did not understand women and or hypergamy; he knew nothing about their nature and that their main interest is resources... He was innocently in love with her; Im so sorry! She thought she had a fool she could manipulate like a monkey in a zoo; but it backfired. My father was brought up on a ranch; he had to work every day of his life from a very very young age... Farmers are moral woodsman people. They have standards of a certain nature. My mother walked into a moral trap; something her psychopathic background could not have detected or understood; she did not understand spiritual concept; she had no soul; did not understand morality or its purpose. She was looking for a host and found...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 43 times

Three important conversations with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am

Three important conversations with women
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The fist is with a sponsor Ive worked with for 30 years; She is old enough to be my mother; for the very first time; a few weeks ago; I had a real strait forward powerful equal conversation with this person; it was powerful and in the moment; in this moment now. It was earned from all the work Ive done in recovery; it mean; I was not in the past; I had earned the right to be in the present from all the hard work Ive done. I talked to her as a friend and a mentor of my own right; equal. Long conversation; 2 hours; I helped her out this time because I had more recovery in areas then she did. It was an equal conversation; it was not a boy to mom conversation; or broken person to therapist kind of conversation; or lost soul to mentor conversation; it was 2 equal people in equal positions exploring each other... It was here now; no past. It was as perfect moment of unison as one could get...
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#2; the hot girl; really hot; sexy hot at the meetings; When I was dissociative; I did not remember her like this; this was different; she was really really high up good looking on the looks scale; sexy; shocked me a bit; the kind of girl who could have anyone they want; and she wanted me; at least for time being; but even a month or several months ago; it was still to soon. I pulled back out of fear; She was looking my way; lets say it that way! I had a dissociative fear; PTSD CPTSD fear; My nervous system went into red alert and I backed off. Did not trust anything; the problem with this; I couldn't even sleep with her; and I cant when my nervous system is in this condition; no toleration of any kind. I don't control it; Im still wounded and Im flash backing and critical voice is attacking me horribly; the past rushes in on me; thats what happened. I still cant talk to women about it; tell them; OKe; lets go out and see what happens...
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I saw her in the crowd; in the parking lot. I opened to a few other people; and made my way to other persons; we talked for awhile in the middle of the parking lot with all the others; and then I found myself sitting next to a truck and she came over and stood in front with me and this other guy; and got into the conversation. However, at some point he got left out and we talked alone for the remainder of the conversation; I was intelligent engaging; and lots of questions and answers and rebuttals. I did not agree with her most of the time; she was a psych major at the state university; in her 30's I think. She was studying psychology; and one of my favorite topics got brought up; and she brought it up; " Serial Killers"; and we argued and discussed different concepts and theories of serial killers; I was shocked; she was much deeper and intelligent then I realized; The last man she was with; well; Im starting to understand that she had a play a lo key personality. that was a year ago; She had tried to get my attention for several months;

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Ive talked about this on this block and other blocks; If you want to date; you must loose weight and look good; dress nice; and with women; a good makeup job and hair; and pumps and a very lean thin waist; meaning; not fat; nothing; not over anorexic; but pleasing to a man. And pleasing she was; I was caught off guard. And I was correct; within; she was chasing a few of us guys; she had the predictable other alpha males the women liked in the groups; she snagged one and that was that; It took her about a month; but she was coming on to me first... But I shied away very quickly; I gave no interest and no respond; I was a dead cold rock; a fortress...
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weight loss and what it takes to date~ You dont get to make the rules; the rules are set before us through biology...
I am completely shocked and disoriented by the stupidity of the generation of people that comes after me concerning certain things; they want to argue with me. Im not suggesting...

[ Continued ]

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I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am

Im blaming myself for being attacked by a sociopath; Im playing the victim and its costing me; its attracting sociopaths; their coming out of the walls to get me. Im playing passive aggressive and its back firing; I thought it would keep the sociopaths away from me; instead its attracting them. Im being forced to leave where Im at because of it. Will this ever stop. I keep wanting to blame myself for their actions. But I wont get up and leave.
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Im trying to fight against them with passive aggression and its not working; in reality; I would rather not know them; Im trying to recover around them and they are discovering me. Im found out. and Im scared and want to run; I freeze from being frightened of them. I don't know what to do; " help"; I don't know who to call for help.
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Help Help Help... thats all I can say about it... Help!!! Where do I get off this train. someone stop the train so I can get off.
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I see in black n white thinking like theirs nothing else I can do; just black and white thinking; so; Ive got a trauma bond; its a remake of the past all over again. Im reliving everything from my past all over again and Im not sure what to do about it.
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Im around group of people that are not policed.... so; one learns to get tough; but I haven't been trough about anything; not tough enough.
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I have been developing in my recovery; and I need to continue.... Im doing OKe. Im trying to build my presence back... my life.. my boundaries.
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I have to keep working at things; not give up; keep going at it... not throw in the towel. Its hard when I don't win; I keep trying to win against the sociopaths and I loose. when will I ever wake up and stop gambling with them; I want to spit in their face and I cant; Im to chicken; Im not man enough and they know this and see that Im a coward and scared and then they attack me... And I get scared and feel scared...
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They call my bluff...
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I don't want to get pulled into a fight.... I don't want to get at their level.....
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Im not the only one going through it; other people are being bothered by the same people; but I feel paralyzed to do anything about it; I might as well be molested; thats the way it feels; like someone can touch my body without my permission....
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So; its a reenactment of the past all over again; and my manhood crumbles because of it and no one else is protecting me.. No one... and I hate this; it reminds me of being thrown way.
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I want to put my foot down; but if I do; Im giving into these sociopaths. and Im not going to do that; Im not going respond; Ill leave instead...
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I have to be able to leave; Im trying trying to make my home in a nest of thieves; basically because I feel safer around them then the middle class people in neighborhoods that judge me and try to destroy me according to my economics....
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It seems like Ive got no place I can call my own or my home. So; I have to keep going; keep working with the universe for an answer to this.. an answer to a home...
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Ive noticed later; every sociopath in the world showing up around me; they are showing up when Im showing up; but Im avoiding them for the most part; but right now; their coming out of the seems; Im not protected; Im wondering where God is...
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Im wondering where God has been my whole life; I don't get it; I had a nice life for a little while when a child; but then it was taken away from me; stripped and I was dumped; what do I do now.
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I was used by people before. what do I do now...
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--------------------------------------------------------------
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Where do I go...
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So; Im in the middle of no mans land; Ive got 12 step meetings that I go to; I don't have much else accept writing. I don't know anyone else; and the universe; doesn't seem to be bringing me anyone else. However, I have discovered a few things; the world is all around me; Im not open to it. but that is because Im worth more...

[ Continued ]

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Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am

Im right at the edge; Im building up. Im getting all my flying equipment; Im working with the universe and seeing what direction will be given to me to unfold. Im a little kid depending on the adult who driving this bus... So far; the adult has been mindless and driving us in circles in the same forest for 50 years. So; Im wanting to go somewhere new. So; I must be part of the show for this to happen; but Im still scared from the past and that the bad people are their and their going to get me again... what they did to me; taking full control of me and making me a hostage ; like a piece a meat or a captive in my own country. And I have to keep talking about that until Im released from the dissociation of it. I go into dissociation at the core of this; flash backs; and I scream in pain from them; agony... Horrible. And I want to get through that lower level of flashbacks and dissociation. I get triggered so deeply; in so much pain...
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Im working on it; or its working me; it takes over my mind completely; stuffs me in; like being stuffed in an oven.
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Horrible; horrifying..
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How will I work through this; its a nightmare i want to wake up from and be at home again; but theirs no home; I was stripped of my home; so I can never wake up; thats what the psychopaths were hoping for; complete annihilation of an innocent human being. And it was completed; but the psychopath does not understand the universe or God or source energy or Jesus; or anything spiritual; they know nothing of such things or the way the world really works; the energy that keeps it alive and growing; So; I grew back; over a long covert course of time; Im still in the process; in many cases Im still trying to stabilized through abusive years of over the top horror; that drown me in fear terror and trauma; leaving me a human cripple.
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I have to work through; " human cripple" and become present to the child in me; thats the goal; the child of 4 to 9 years old; and continue from that place; and its already happened. In fact; many things have occurred that make me identical to the 9 year old in 1970; and thats a good thing; the things I; what I was doing as a child; but I've got hundreds more to learn if Im going to re establish my beginning identity. In fact; Im starting to naturally do them again and the opportunity for them continues to show up; As if God is putting those opportunities in front of me as I take a first interest in them; I take an interest with my heart committed and suddenly out of know where; an opportunities shows up; And it continues to show up.
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Here is a strange example of things showing up lately; altho this was not from my childhood or related to my childhood.; It was from the universe connecting with the child in me; a manifestation; not a direct manifestation; well; I dont know what it is; but I do; its the 12 year old in me; he's focusing on new things to connect to; now that he has more personal power from the past.
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Eminem; the rap artist. Out of nowhere; I wanted to listen to him; I was drawn to his music to his personality. And Ive never looked back; its been on full since; about 3 months. Don't know where it came from; but its internal... He is alive in me; one might say; as an artist. Don't know what happened; just happened. And suddenly Im biking down the street; several miles from home. I look down and their it is; a broken Eminem CD; And I had been thinking about him all day; I took the CD; took it home; washed it off; put it on the wall as an LOA souvenir next to a flute; another LOA souvenir..... He seems to be playing some importance in my life right now. I don't know. He's not the first; Their have been a few other celebs that caught my soul; or my soul caught caught up in them or what they were about or the music they were creating; God thing; I guess its a learning thing...
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Im mellowing out just going through the gap....

[ Continued ]

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A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am

As my mind continues to get stronger; I begin to see it first of things in my mind; in mind I see it; glances of it. feelings of it; moments of it; but also the pain. the pain of having one parent turn on me and want to destroyed me from the day Im born; then the other; both; and going me up and sending me to a rapist and child molester and satanist.... And I no one; Im thrown away. and can never go back; that was their goal. But it didn't work that way; They are Godless and lawless...
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What do I see in my mind; Im seeing and feeling the good things about my childhood that I created. The football games I attended with friends; and that I had friends; later they would betray me. And later others would betray me or act like they had never met me; like I was a loser; but I was no loser; I was destroyed and no one wanted me around; instead of helping me; they turned on me... And tried to get rid of me; or turn me into something bad; and this gave them the right to ostracize me.

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OKE: into the present; Parts of me want to wake up; but their is no support accept the neighborhood I came from; the actually physical place; and the memories of being buried alive by those who were suppose to love me; It gets hard now; it one thing to forgive; but to move on; Im feeling the effects of what they did; its so horrible. Im trying to move out of the limited beliefs i have; Im hitting walls of hard pain; its very very bad.. Im working toward it; I feel like Im an 8 year old struggling to get better and I need my parents to help support me; but it was my parents who did this in the first place; so great amounts of pain are brought up; its over the top pain; its horrible; and then I feel the refenge; its so huge; more then huge.. horrible.
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Im working out of it; Im trying to come out of the deep end of things back to the top of things and back to being me; but Ive got to have something; anything to look back on as a support; something; anything; and their is nothing; Im being used by everyone. Its horrible; but the primary people that are suppose to help in a childs life; they are all using me; no one to stand on or with; nothing; and this is a killer trying to crawl out of this.
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in my mind and feel it; I begin to allow myself to enjoy the dream in my mind; I begin to allow myself to look at what feels good; or; I begin to allow the right to look at it and appreciate it. I begin to allow myself to look at it; or the child to look at it; for the child lost it; lost all of it. I saw the world as an immoral place; and if it was to treat me immorally; I would not participate within it; and for years I did not. However, at some time I was loosing my life. For those who can accept it; My life was a giant psychological hunger strike; and at other times; a forced real hunger strike of poverty and the streets from homelessness. I went through my homeless period; that was fun; certainly I jest unless you think being always close to death is fun; its no fun...
I remember the winter; the cold; the great freezer; it was like living in a supermarket meat locker with a pitched tent and no coat... Its a scary deal. One learns to respect the great freezer; the winter; for it never leaves; 24 hours a day; and it can kill; especially if you have to live out in it.
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My mind is having remarkable changes; its coming back into alignment; its not very strong; but its healing and allowing good things to show up within its imagination. Its vulnerable; sensitive; like a newly created giraffe.
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Im allowing things in my imagination from the innocent child in me; this suggests the child in me feels safe; feels he has a chance to live. I had nothing before. The world was over whelming for me. My mind shut down; my soul and nervous system shut down; I had nothing. And when I say this; I see my mothers control and Im reacting to that control.
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Im free of my mother again; Im free...

[ Continued ]

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