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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1072)
- August 2020
The interacting question
   Thu Aug 13, 2020 12:03 am
A girlfriend; the last big experience to build my foundation
   Tue Aug 11, 2020 10:25 am
Them to look for a new soulmate; another is out
   Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:05 am
Funny Im back here; I have to learn art
   Sun Aug 09, 2020 9:40 am
Having a relationship day to day with a women
   Fri Aug 07, 2020 2:45 pm
Next step; Talking to women
   Fri Aug 07, 2020 4:45 am
working with the unviese; Laws of attraction
   Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:33 am

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The interacting question

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Aug 13, 2020 12:03 am

all of my interacting with others was a brutal controlled nightmare by psychopaths and child molesters; I was brought into it and never knew it was going to happen. I did not know it was going to happen to me; I thought I would be safe with my father around; he never stayed around and for a reason.. he knew what he was doing. The time I would turn my life's dreams into reality when I grew up; I Was destroyed on purpose; they knew how to destroy me completely and disable me and make me dependent; Im now learning how to let go of that horrible sad brainwashing and what happened and Im gaining some ground.
I am gaining ground; not everyone understands and I have to remember that most of the 12 step groups im in do not understand; the people; but they are helping. The problem is; when a girl likes me and Im not responding right because of CPTSD and I cant respond to her; its to late; she's moved on to someone else because Ive ignored her; I get on my knees and pray to God about it. And I keep working at it; and its working; im getting somewhere. But those people I wanted to date are so cold hearted to me; they could care less that Im disabled in a way that I cant interact or respond to people; and even if they here it; they still dont care... they just allow new men around them and Im out. and that is that.. like I never existed; of course I treat them like they never existed; im scared and untrustworthy of them and dont feel safe. I cant respond to them yet because I have not learned how yet under my condition. the more experience I get the better I am at responding to others but so fare its not enough yet. ive gotten better and Ive pushed past specific marks... But not enough to date someone; but enough to pull them aside and talk to them.
The sensitivities I have with Dissociative disorder and CPTSD may not be the same sensitivities that others have. I end up ignoring their worth because of CPTSD; not because I dont " see them". By the time I might feel comfortable; right at that moment; they move on to someone else. In fact; it always seems strange to me that right at that moment when im ready to jump and get over the waiting period of CPTSD; that time period of feelings safe; exactly at that moment they introduce new man into their lives; and thats happened several times; maybe they are playing me; just maybe. maybe I was suppose to learn something from them and move on. they really were never safe...
Its a waist of time to talk to them now; I mean; im past tense with them; they've moved on and that is that. And that is hard... but its reality. The hardest part is; I had nothing with them but maybe's and a fantasy. Nothing real. nothing developed. And they moved on... I seem to feel the shock and pain; they feel nothing. why is that; it seems that way every time.
So; Im trying to understand. I suppose Im like allot of people with CPTSD; I dont trust anyone and no one wants to ever get into a relationship ever again; I do; but I understand And im not sure I will ever end up in a relationship with someone because I am 2 core defensive and Im to sensitive about things in a relationship.... We will see.
God will bring me someone else; but it takes months n months to feel safe around them and they never help the process; but their heart is with me. but that means nothing without the behavior to go with it; and how can they have the behavior to go with it if they dont have a clue about CPTSD.
So; i9t can be frustrating. Id love to tell them but I never get close to them Because Im not sure by their behavior I can trust them.

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A girlfriend; the last big experience to build my foundation

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 11, 2020 10:25 am

Art is hopefully picking up; Im slowly allowing it back into my life at a seriously committed level; Im trying to commit to it; we will see; but Im hopeful I can take it seriously this time because I half want it so badly...
I've not got too much left to develop from the past; I've brought back many things back into my life from a broken lost past. But a girlfriend eludes me; its way way way over my head; its so big; the concept of new relationships; this would mean a breaking from the past and creating true independence in the present; it means Im functioning enough to handle rejection and confidence of meeting people and moving forward and many other aspects.
The main fear or frustration with a girlfriend is finding someone I like and trust and feel safe with; impossible so fare; no one. Ive had a few girls like me; ridiculous; wrong people. And its frustrating to move forward with them and I know nothing exists... I would not even sleep with them because I was so damn mad that I can find sex but no one to love or have a relationship with; doesn't make any sense.
Why want sex when I know they will be leaving in the morning because it won't go any further. Sex or no sex; Im still with out the right potential person for a relationship.
I have to meet new people and be able to be face to face with them. Social; with dissociative disorder; it's all too much.
I spend my time at 12 step groups and most of those people if not all of them do not understand me and do not understand why I don't have a girlfriend. I've know them for years and they dont see me with a girlfriend; they even lecture me on it at times; its frustrating because Im even around these people for anything other then a 12 step meeting. The rest of my social life has not picked up yet.
Im not alone; I know of many people with Dissociative disorder that will not allow anything close to
them or to tough them; Im the same way. And ive found no women for potential; dating; so something must change. Ive got to work with my higher power to get to higher ground or better potential.
This is the last hurdle of my present life because theirs been no movement in this area; the reason; Id have to go to new places to meet all new people; and I dont know where that would be. in fact; Id have to have more confidence and face to face ability and their it is; so that is the next development. So; its not really about women as it is about face to face confidence. And I dont have a clue how to build that back; but maybe I do but I dont have a wing man or women on my side for that; Ill have to work with the universe on that.
Desperation; Ive got to maybe prepare myself so I dont marry the first women I meet; marry her within 5 minutes because I want to fall into her arms and just be held and taken care of; but still that sounds so good.
Im going to have to practice positive visualizations of being with a girlfriend and women; I just did it now when I was thinking about falling into her and resting... more of that is what I need; so I can see that see that I feel safe around them is the key.
My mother was a psychopath and that is causing the major problem with all of this; my thinking has to change from memories and flashbacks of her to something completely new within my mind and nervous system; it all scares me to death to go back into that overwhelming nightmare but I have to change within and have a new outlook on women; on life. My mind cant see intimacy; it scares me.
Face to face confidence; asking for what I want; that kind of confrontation scares me and brings back all the horror.. all of it and I start shutting down. However, thats where Im headed if I want a girlfriend. we will see.
As I mentioned before; No girlfriend material; that is the problem... and women I would be interested in; I dont feel qualified; I could get hurt being rejected.

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Them to look for a new soulmate; another is out

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:05 am

Three strikes you're out. and another is out; waist of my time. They take to long playing games and hanging out with the wrong people and hanging out with 2 many men and playing me against other men. I care not how someone feels at this point; meaning; someone has shown they like me or are a soulmate and we mesh; Who cares... Ill find another soulmate. Here we go again. Because I never really know anything about them; its always murky... I know nothing as if they are strangers; its always a kind of game and they wanting attention... And its all about them getting noticed but thats all its about.
I have to get out of this situation and away from it; its more about the other person getting attention while they string me along every time I see them. They are looking for attention; wanting me to notice them; but it never goes anywhere; They only talk to me while around others; even when Ive pulled them outside to talk to them; others have joined them while we are talking.
As I get better; Im less n Less interested in this game with these people.
Time for the universe to bring me someone new.
I was able to interact with them to a specific point; I was able to call them outside and talk with them accomplishing a great feat for myself considering my background. But then suddenly that was it; it stopped; and anything past it matters not; it Wass dead in the water; I still see this person and they attempt to get attention; but its one of those situations where I don't know where I stand with the person even if I do stand with them at all; its like secondary glances and emotions I see in their eyes; in fact they are probably faking it; like false tears from a narcissist; in fact thats all this is false.
I learned what I have to learn and I have to move on. Ive been through this like 10 times with 10 different women; one at a time; slowly taking me to the next step; its time to move on to the next one to the next step; Im getting mad because its time to move on; Im trying to get my inner self to move on or the child in me that doesn't want to see this for the reality it is; theirs nothing here; never was; its time to move on.... The universe will bring more soulmates... This one is over...
im getting hardened inside,.
I had this false friend tell me that he thinks Im strange for never having a girlfriend; hes not smart enough to see the kind of women that liked me; he doesn't have to get it.. Its time I hang around better people.
Im an educated person and I really need to be around more educated people I guess; but this caste system in this country scares me; I dont have the money to play in the backyards of the rich; I have to rely on God for everything...
At this point Im starting over... Ill have to make a clean break of it.. Starting again. The goal is to take relationships to the next level. meaning This; seeing someone that actually likes me and is attracted to me; a soulmate; finally talking to them; pulling them aside; taking them outside or somewhere and talking with them; making friends with them. And talking to them. But then later; taking it to the next level; that would be explaining who I really am; I mean that in a mature way; not a stupid revealing way where Im saying things that scare people away; thats not what I mean.
Ill take it to the next step and open up my feelings about how I feel about my situation. And open up a little more and later ask them out to coffee.
One of the big big problems I have; putting out my time for someone that is not interested in me. Because they were never interested in me in the first place. SO; Im must get away form them as fast as possible.

As for a new soulmate;

At some point; Ill have to ask them out; and see what they say; a good chance they will not go out with me because they were not being honest; game players and I have to prepare for that. And I mean it; it freaks me out... Ill have...

[ Continued ]

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Funny Im back here; I have to learn art

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 09, 2020 9:40 am

Im at this point that Ive picked art as something I want to do and I have to learn it and practice it; I have to in order to get good at it. This hurts a great deal; slams into my past and the CPTSD. Im hurting right now and have to go slow. My childhood comes ups; all that I was suppose to do be was ripped out of; every dream and personal human identity development; everything. I was more then slaughtered; genocide of my person and Identity; everything; like being kidnapped and taken into some kind of traphacking; horrible nightmare.. Horrible.
Now; I have to or want to develop into art once again; this time getting good at it; learning the basics of art and practicing; Ive done art but missed the foundation. How to draw [ I will be committed and do this thing; it will take time and I have to random create until Im at the point where I really want to take this seriously and learn how to draw things; all kinds of things; Good artists draw everything and they draw all the time.
Im not sure about marriage anymore; I havent been attracting the right people; just these game players that come n go; in fact; Ive attracted no one; meaning the girls that have liked me liked me but their behavior destroyed everything; is destroying everything; I do want anything to do with them anymore at all. Im tired and dont want this anymore. Im sick of it. Ill turn Back to God and see what direction I am suppose to take. Ive had a number of women like me; useless cause.... these people are scary people.... their not even people. I dont get it; but Ill have to keep working with God for direction.
Im getting suicidal; nothing matters anymore because Im hanging around the wrong people; Im getting exposed to do much. The women that kind of like me I think are completely murky; and I never really know if anyone likes me or cares about me; its all a game and Im tired of games. ITs useless.... no point in it..
Women; much like working with paint; I have to learn how to talk to them again. This is so very saddening and hard. It means me being vulnerable; and it means a steady step by step commitment to it. I know what it really means; it means talking about how I really feel at that moment. Not hiding it; and standing up for myself. Being myself..
I have to keep in touch with God continuously; thats what matters; being aligned with the universe. Im getting sick of going to meetings.
The past;
As I slowly work through the past; I have no friends and never had any when young; I tried to escape to other peoples houses but in the end they never wanted me their from the very beginning; I did not know that. I know that now; I had no friends. The only reason I was at these peoples houses was because their children were my friends; when I was a child; I had no idea I was not wanted.... It never occurred to me; I was a nice person. Im trying to learn that it had nothing to do with me.....non of this stuff does.
I have to work with God to get to higher ground.

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Having a relationship day to day with a women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 07, 2020 2:45 pm

I messaged a friend this morning at 7 am to play disk golf. iTs kind of a joke because he doesn't get up till about 10 am... So I know he won't answer me.
I look at the words and that I was messaging him and thought; why am I not messaging a women I like and having her over for tea; why is the person on the other side of the message counter a male and not female. Why am I not emailing a female and have a relationship with a female. Im seriously asking why? why was I not emailing a women this morning.
I have no faith in women? I don't believe any of them are any good... non of them have been so far... not many of them; but is that not the same complaint with many women that men are trash.... most men.
So; Im scared to take a chance on a women in a relationship because I dont know the outcome. Is uncomfortable to create or go through the process of creating a relationship with a women; the initial stages of taking action to create it; I dont want rejection; I guess I have to get over it; no one owes me anything; and that's where the pain and hatred and anger lies; the contempt of failure. I hate the confusion of failure and I blame women in general for it. I blame my mother for it; because she was not a mother ever; she was a monster; and Im mad that I had to spend my childhood with a monster; a monster that had control over my life and I have contempt for it. And I dont want to date another monster and thats all I see and find. Now; some could say theirs lots of nice people in the world but I live in a society of caste system in America; its bad situation where Im not accepted because of my poverty and Im damn mad about it. I feel like Im held out of things... once people treat me badly; I have no interest in them anymore.
I have women that like me; I just move on; I waist my time with them; they are a waist of time... They want someone that does not exist; so I won't give them a chance. I never give them a chance; I think they are corrupt and I dont believe them...
I don't believe women are doing anything other playing a game with me; thats all its ever been with the women Ive met in one form or another; they seem to respect nothing; absolutely nothing and change their mind on their own principles within 15 minutes. IF any depth is demanded; they simply change color.... instead changing the outcome; meaning; 2 faced. They change principles when the whole Idea of principles is not to change them....
I can continue to complain about women; OK; but its hard to get started with them or get started with them again because I dont find the any good ones to work with; nothing! zero; and it leaves me empty inside. But thats not completely true but it is and its frustrating....
A good women is one that is safe and I can work with... so it scares me that Im doing therapeutic work with a women and she's not trained for it; she's insensitive; or actually unknollagable about my condition; she is sensitive; all women are sensitive; and all women are hot... but my complaint is being with someone that just does not understand my sensitivities.... Im scared to death to open up about my miserable life; what its really like to be so trapped from dissociative disorder. The realities of the disability... I feel like a monster or weirdo... I just feel like second rate damaged goods... And it comes out when I have to interact with something and women are all about continuous interaction. I hate expressing or opening up to the wrong women; and I cant tell by looking at them who is the right one and who is the wrong one.
I dont want to be hurt and I cant seem to find any women that care if they hurt people. They dont seem to have a conscious about anything.
I have dissociative disorder and disrupted the process of doing things in The real world. Its skizo- is what it is. I talk about women and relationships to things but its talk; meaning; its coming from...

[ Continued ]

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