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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- August 2020
The interacting question
   Thu Aug 13, 2020 12:03 am
A girlfriend; the last big experience to build my foundation
   Tue Aug 11, 2020 10:25 am
Them to look for a new soulmate; another is out
   Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:05 am
Funny Im back here; I have to learn art
   Sun Aug 09, 2020 9:40 am
Having a relationship day to day with a women
   Fri Aug 07, 2020 2:45 pm
Next step; Talking to women
   Fri Aug 07, 2020 4:45 am
working with the unviese; Laws of attraction
   Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:33 am

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The interacting question

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Aug 13, 2020 12:03 am

all of my interacting with others was a brutal controlled nightmare by psychopaths and child molesters; I was brought into it and never knew it was going to happen. I did not know it was going to happen to me; I thought I would be safe with my father around; he never stayed around and for a reason.. he knew what he was doing. The time I would turn my life's dreams into reality when I grew up; I Was destroyed on purpose; they knew how to destroy me completely and disable me and make me dependent; Im now learning how to let go of that horrible sad brainwashing and what happened and Im gaining some ground.
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I am gaining ground; not everyone understands and I have to remember that most of the 12 step groups im in do not understand; the people; but they are helping. The problem is; when a girl likes me and Im not responding right because of CPTSD and I cant respond to her; its to late; she's moved on to someone else because Ive ignored her; I get on my knees and pray to God about it. And I keep working at it; and its working; im getting somewhere. But those people I wanted to date are so cold hearted to me; they could care less that Im disabled in a way that I cant interact or respond to people; and even if they here it; they still dont care... they just allow new men around them and Im out. and that is that.. like I never existed; of course I treat them like they never existed; im scared and untrustworthy of them and dont feel safe. I cant respond to them yet because I have not learned how yet under my condition. the more experience I get the better I am at responding to others but so fare its not enough yet. ive gotten better and Ive pushed past specific marks... But not enough to date someone; but enough to pull them aside and talk to them.
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The sensitivities I have with Dissociative disorder and CPTSD may not be the same sensitivities that others have. I end up ignoring their worth because of CPTSD; not because I dont " see them". By the time I might feel comfortable; right at that moment; they move on to someone else. In fact; it always seems strange to me that right at that moment when im ready to jump and get over the waiting period of CPTSD; that time period of feelings safe; exactly at that moment they introduce new man into their lives; and thats happened several times; maybe they are playing me; just maybe. maybe I was suppose to learn something from them and move on. they really were never safe...
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Its a waist of time to talk to them now; I mean; im past tense with them; they've moved on and that is that. And that is hard... but its reality. The hardest part is; I had nothing with them but maybe's and a fantasy. Nothing real. nothing developed. And they moved on... I seem to feel the shock and pain; they feel nothing. why is that; it seems that way every time.
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So; Im trying to understand. I suppose Im like allot of people with CPTSD; I dont trust anyone and no one wants to ever get into a relationship ever again; I do; but I understand And im not sure I will ever end up in a relationship with someone because I am 2 core defensive and Im to sensitive about things in a relationship.... We will see.
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God will bring me someone else; but it takes months n months to feel safe around them and they never help the process; but their heart is with me. but that means nothing without the behavior to go with it; and how can they have the behavior to go with it if they dont have a clue about CPTSD.
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So; i9t can be frustrating. Id love to tell them but I never get close to them Because Im not sure by their behavior I can trust them.

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A girlfriend; the last big experience to build my foundation

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 11, 2020 10:25 am

Art is hopefully picking up; Im slowly allowing it back into my life at a seriously committed level; Im trying to commit to it; we will see; but Im hopeful I can take it seriously this time because I half want it so badly...
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I've not got too much left to develop from the past; I've brought back many things back into my life from a broken lost past. But a girlfriend eludes me; its way way way over my head; its so big; the concept of new relationships; this would mean a breaking from the past and creating true independence in the present; it means Im functioning enough to handle rejection and confidence of meeting people and moving forward and many other aspects.
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The main fear or frustration with a girlfriend is finding someone I like and trust and feel safe with; impossible so fare; no one. Ive had a few girls like me; ridiculous; wrong people. And its frustrating to move forward with them and I know nothing exists... I would not even sleep with them because I was so damn mad that I can find sex but no one to love or have a relationship with; doesn't make any sense.
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Why want sex when I know they will be leaving in the morning because it won't go any further. Sex or no sex; Im still with out the right potential person for a relationship.
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I have to meet new people and be able to be face to face with them. Social; with dissociative disorder; it's all too much.
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I spend my time at 12 step groups and most of those people if not all of them do not understand me and do not understand why I don't have a girlfriend. I've know them for years and they dont see me with a girlfriend; they even lecture me on it at times; its frustrating because Im even around these people for anything other then a 12 step meeting. The rest of my social life has not picked up yet.
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Im not alone; I know of many people with Dissociative disorder that will not allow anything close to
them or to tough them; Im the same way. And ive found no women for potential; dating; so something must change. Ive got to work with my higher power to get to higher ground or better potential.
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This is the last hurdle of my present life because theirs been no movement in this area; the reason; Id have to go to new places to meet all new people; and I dont know where that would be. in fact; Id have to have more confidence and face to face ability and their it is; so that is the next development. So; its not really about women as it is about face to face confidence. And I dont have a clue how to build that back; but maybe I do but I dont have a wing man or women on my side for that; Ill have to work with the universe on that.
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Desperation; Ive got to maybe prepare myself so I dont marry the first women I meet; marry her within 5 minutes because I want to fall into her arms and just be held and taken care of; but still that sounds so good.
Im going to have to practice positive visualizations of being with a girlfriend and women; I just did it now when I was thinking about falling into her and resting... more of that is what I need; so I can see that see that I feel safe around them is the key.
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My mother was a psychopath and that is causing the major problem with all of this; my thinking has to change from memories and flashbacks of her to something completely new within my mind and nervous system; it all scares me to death to go back into that overwhelming nightmare but I have to change within and have a new outlook on women; on life. My mind cant see intimacy; it scares me.
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Face to face confidence; asking for what I want; that kind of confrontation scares me and brings back all the horror.. all of it and I start shutting down. However, thats where Im headed if I want a girlfriend. we will see.
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As I mentioned before; No girlfriend material; that is the problem... and women I would be interested in; I dont feel qualified; I could get hurt being rejected.

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Them to look for a new soulmate; another is out

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:05 am

Three strikes you're out. and another is out; waist of my time. They take to long playing games and hanging out with the wrong people and hanging out with 2 many men and playing me against other men. I care not how someone feels at this point; meaning; someone has shown they like me or are a soulmate and we mesh; Who cares... Ill find another soulmate. Here we go again. Because I never really know anything about them; its always murky... I know nothing as if they are strangers; its always a kind of game and they wanting attention... And its all about them getting noticed but thats all its about.
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I have to get out of this situation and away from it; its more about the other person getting attention while they string me along every time I see them. They are looking for attention; wanting me to notice them; but it never goes anywhere; They only talk to me while around others; even when Ive pulled them outside to talk to them; others have joined them while we are talking.
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As I get better; Im less n Less interested in this game with these people.
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Time for the universe to bring me someone new.
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I was able to interact with them to a specific point; I was able to call them outside and talk with them accomplishing a great feat for myself considering my background. But then suddenly that was it; it stopped; and anything past it matters not; it Wass dead in the water; I still see this person and they attempt to get attention; but its one of those situations where I don't know where I stand with the person even if I do stand with them at all; its like secondary glances and emotions I see in their eyes; in fact they are probably faking it; like false tears from a narcissist; in fact thats all this is false.
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I learned what I have to learn and I have to move on. Ive been through this like 10 times with 10 different women; one at a time; slowly taking me to the next step; its time to move on to the next one to the next step; Im getting mad because its time to move on; Im trying to get my inner self to move on or the child in me that doesn't want to see this for the reality it is; theirs nothing here; never was; its time to move on.... The universe will bring more soulmates... This one is over...
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im getting hardened inside,.
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I had this false friend tell me that he thinks Im strange for never having a girlfriend; hes not smart enough to see the kind of women that liked me; he doesn't have to get it.. Its time I hang around better people.
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Im an educated person and I really need to be around more educated people I guess; but this caste system in this country scares me; I dont have the money to play in the backyards of the rich; I have to rely on God for everything...
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At this point Im starting over... Ill have to make a clean break of it.. Starting again. The goal is to take relationships to the next level. meaning This; seeing someone that actually likes me and is attracted to me; a soulmate; finally talking to them; pulling them aside; taking them outside or somewhere and talking with them; making friends with them. And talking to them. But then later; taking it to the next level; that would be explaining who I really am; I mean that in a mature way; not a stupid revealing way where Im saying things that scare people away; thats not what I mean.
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Ill take it to the next step and open up my feelings about how I feel about my situation. And open up a little more and later ask them out to coffee.
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One of the big big problems I have; putting out my time for someone that is not interested in me. Because they were never interested in me in the first place. SO; Im must get away form them as fast as possible.

As for a new soulmate;

At some point; Ill have to ask them out; and see what they say; a good chance they will not go out with me because they were not being honest; game players and I have to prepare for that. And I mean it; it freaks me out... Ill have...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 17 times

Funny Im back here; I have to learn art

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 09, 2020 9:40 am

Im at this point that Ive picked art as something I want to do and I have to learn it and practice it; I have to in order to get good at it. This hurts a great deal; slams into my past and the CPTSD. Im hurting right now and have to go slow. My childhood comes ups; all that I was suppose to do be was ripped out of; every dream and personal human identity development; everything. I was more then slaughtered; genocide of my person and Identity; everything; like being kidnapped and taken into some kind of traphacking; horrible nightmare.. Horrible.
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Now; I have to or want to develop into art once again; this time getting good at it; learning the basics of art and practicing; Ive done art but missed the foundation. How to draw [ I will be committed and do this thing; it will take time and I have to random create until Im at the point where I really want to take this seriously and learn how to draw things; all kinds of things; Good artists draw everything and they draw all the time.
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Im not sure about marriage anymore; I havent been attracting the right people; just these game players that come n go; in fact; Ive attracted no one; meaning the girls that have liked me liked me but their behavior destroyed everything; is destroying everything; I do want anything to do with them anymore at all. Im tired and dont want this anymore. Im sick of it. Ill turn Back to God and see what direction I am suppose to take. Ive had a number of women like me; useless cause.... these people are scary people.... their not even people. I dont get it; but Ill have to keep working with God for direction.
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Im getting suicidal; nothing matters anymore because Im hanging around the wrong people; Im getting exposed to do much. The women that kind of like me I think are completely murky; and I never really know if anyone likes me or cares about me; its all a game and Im tired of games. ITs useless.... no point in it..
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Women; much like working with paint; I have to learn how to talk to them again. This is so very saddening and hard. It means me being vulnerable; and it means a steady step by step commitment to it. I know what it really means; it means talking about how I really feel at that moment. Not hiding it; and standing up for myself. Being myself..
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I have to keep in touch with God continuously; thats what matters; being aligned with the universe. Im getting sick of going to meetings.
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The past;
As I slowly work through the past; I have no friends and never had any when young; I tried to escape to other peoples houses but in the end they never wanted me their from the very beginning; I did not know that. I know that now; I had no friends. The only reason I was at these peoples houses was because their children were my friends; when I was a child; I had no idea I was not wanted.... It never occurred to me; I was a nice person. Im trying to learn that it had nothing to do with me.....non of this stuff does.
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I have to work with God to get to higher ground.

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Having a relationship day to day with a women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 07, 2020 2:45 pm

I messaged a friend this morning at 7 am to play disk golf. iTs kind of a joke because he doesn't get up till about 10 am... So I know he won't answer me.
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I look at the words and that I was messaging him and thought; why am I not messaging a women I like and having her over for tea; why is the person on the other side of the message counter a male and not female. Why am I not emailing a female and have a relationship with a female. Im seriously asking why? why was I not emailing a women this morning.
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I have no faith in women? I don't believe any of them are any good... non of them have been so far... not many of them; but is that not the same complaint with many women that men are trash.... most men.
So; Im scared to take a chance on a women in a relationship because I dont know the outcome. Is uncomfortable to create or go through the process of creating a relationship with a women; the initial stages of taking action to create it; I dont want rejection; I guess I have to get over it; no one owes me anything; and that's where the pain and hatred and anger lies; the contempt of failure. I hate the confusion of failure and I blame women in general for it. I blame my mother for it; because she was not a mother ever; she was a monster; and Im mad that I had to spend my childhood with a monster; a monster that had control over my life and I have contempt for it. And I dont want to date another monster and thats all I see and find. Now; some could say theirs lots of nice people in the world but I live in a society of caste system in America; its bad situation where Im not accepted because of my poverty and Im damn mad about it. I feel like Im held out of things... once people treat me badly; I have no interest in them anymore.
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I have women that like me; I just move on; I waist my time with them; they are a waist of time... They want someone that does not exist; so I won't give them a chance. I never give them a chance; I think they are corrupt and I dont believe them...
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I don't believe women are doing anything other playing a game with me; thats all its ever been with the women Ive met in one form or another; they seem to respect nothing; absolutely nothing and change their mind on their own principles within 15 minutes. IF any depth is demanded; they simply change color.... instead changing the outcome; meaning; 2 faced. They change principles when the whole Idea of principles is not to change them....
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I can continue to complain about women; OK; but its hard to get started with them or get started with them again because I dont find the any good ones to work with; nothing! zero; and it leaves me empty inside. But thats not completely true but it is and its frustrating....
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A good women is one that is safe and I can work with... so it scares me that Im doing therapeutic work with a women and she's not trained for it; she's insensitive; or actually unknollagable about my condition; she is sensitive; all women are sensitive; and all women are hot... but my complaint is being with someone that just does not understand my sensitivities.... Im scared to death to open up about my miserable life; what its really like to be so trapped from dissociative disorder. The realities of the disability... I feel like a monster or weirdo... I just feel like second rate damaged goods... And it comes out when I have to interact with something and women are all about continuous interaction. I hate expressing or opening up to the wrong women; and I cant tell by looking at them who is the right one and who is the wrong one.
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I dont want to be hurt and I cant seem to find any women that care if they hurt people. They dont seem to have a conscious about anything.
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I have dissociative disorder and disrupted the process of doing things in The real world. Its skizo- is what it is. I talk about women and relationships to things but its talk; meaning; its coming from...

[ Continued ]

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