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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1069)
- August 2020
Funny Im back here; I have to learn art
   Sun Aug 09, 2020 9:40 am
Having a relationship day to day with a women
   Fri Aug 07, 2020 2:45 pm
Next step; Talking to women
   Fri Aug 07, 2020 4:45 am
working with the unviese; Laws of attraction
   Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:33 am

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Funny Im back here; I have to learn art

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 09, 2020 9:40 am

Im at this point that Ive picked art as something I want to do and I have to learn it and practice it; I have to in order to get good at it. This hurts a great deal; slams into my past and the CPTSD. Im hurting right now and have to go slow. My childhood comes ups; all that I was suppose to do be was ripped out of; every dream and personal human identity development; everything. I was more then slaughtered; genocide of my person and Identity; everything; like being kidnapped and taken into some kind of traphacking; horrible nightmare.. Horrible.
Now; I have to or want to develop into art once again; this time getting good at it; learning the basics of art and practicing; Ive done art but missed the foundation. How to draw [ I will be committed and do this thing; it will take time and I have to random create until Im at the point where I really want to take this seriously and learn how to draw things; all kinds of things; Good artists draw everything and they draw all the time.
Im not sure about marriage anymore; I havent been attracting the right people; just these game players that come n go; in fact; Ive attracted no one; meaning the girls that have liked me liked me but their behavior destroyed everything; is destroying everything; I do want anything to do with them anymore at all. Im tired and dont want this anymore. Im sick of it. Ill turn Back to God and see what direction I am suppose to take. Ive had a number of women like me; useless cause.... these people are scary people.... their not even people. I dont get it; but Ill have to keep working with God for direction.
Im getting suicidal; nothing matters anymore because Im hanging around the wrong people; Im getting exposed to do much. The women that kind of like me I think are completely murky; and I never really know if anyone likes me or cares about me; its all a game and Im tired of games. ITs useless.... no point in it..
Women; much like working with paint; I have to learn how to talk to them again. This is so very saddening and hard. It means me being vulnerable; and it means a steady step by step commitment to it. I know what it really means; it means talking about how I really feel at that moment. Not hiding it; and standing up for myself. Being myself..
I have to keep in touch with God continuously; thats what matters; being aligned with the universe. Im getting sick of going to meetings.
The past;
As I slowly work through the past; I have no friends and never had any when young; I tried to escape to other peoples houses but in the end they never wanted me their from the very beginning; I did not know that. I know that now; I had no friends. The only reason I was at these peoples houses was because their children were my friends; when I was a child; I had no idea I was not wanted.... It never occurred to me; I was a nice person. Im trying to learn that it had nothing to do with me.....non of this stuff does.
I have to work with God to get to higher ground.

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Having a relationship day to day with a women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 07, 2020 2:45 pm

I messaged a friend this morning at 7 am to play disk golf. iTs kind of a joke because he doesn't get up till about 10 am... So I know he won't answer me.
I look at the words and that I was messaging him and thought; why am I not messaging a women I like and having her over for tea; why is the person on the other side of the message counter a male and not female. Why am I not emailing a female and have a relationship with a female. Im seriously asking why? why was I not emailing a women this morning.
I have no faith in women? I don't believe any of them are any good... non of them have been so far... not many of them; but is that not the same complaint with many women that men are trash.... most men.
So; Im scared to take a chance on a women in a relationship because I dont know the outcome. Is uncomfortable to create or go through the process of creating a relationship with a women; the initial stages of taking action to create it; I dont want rejection; I guess I have to get over it; no one owes me anything; and that's where the pain and hatred and anger lies; the contempt of failure. I hate the confusion of failure and I blame women in general for it. I blame my mother for it; because she was not a mother ever; she was a monster; and Im mad that I had to spend my childhood with a monster; a monster that had control over my life and I have contempt for it. And I dont want to date another monster and thats all I see and find. Now; some could say theirs lots of nice people in the world but I live in a society of caste system in America; its bad situation where Im not accepted because of my poverty and Im damn mad about it. I feel like Im held out of things... once people treat me badly; I have no interest in them anymore.
I have women that like me; I just move on; I waist my time with them; they are a waist of time... They want someone that does not exist; so I won't give them a chance. I never give them a chance; I think they are corrupt and I dont believe them...
I don't believe women are doing anything other playing a game with me; thats all its ever been with the women Ive met in one form or another; they seem to respect nothing; absolutely nothing and change their mind on their own principles within 15 minutes. IF any depth is demanded; they simply change color.... instead changing the outcome; meaning; 2 faced. They change principles when the whole Idea of principles is not to change them....
I can continue to complain about women; OK; but its hard to get started with them or get started with them again because I dont find the any good ones to work with; nothing! zero; and it leaves me empty inside. But thats not completely true but it is and its frustrating....
A good women is one that is safe and I can work with... so it scares me that Im doing therapeutic work with a women and she's not trained for it; she's insensitive; or actually unknollagable about my condition; she is sensitive; all women are sensitive; and all women are hot... but my complaint is being with someone that just does not understand my sensitivities.... Im scared to death to open up about my miserable life; what its really like to be so trapped from dissociative disorder. The realities of the disability... I feel like a monster or weirdo... I just feel like second rate damaged goods... And it comes out when I have to interact with something and women are all about continuous interaction. I hate expressing or opening up to the wrong women; and I cant tell by looking at them who is the right one and who is the wrong one.
I dont want to be hurt and I cant seem to find any women that care if they hurt people. They dont seem to have a conscious about anything.
I have dissociative disorder and disrupted the process of doing things in The real world. Its skizo- is what it is. I talk about women and relationships to things but its talk; meaning; its coming from...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 26 times

Next step; Talking to women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 07, 2020 4:45 am

So; Ive been able to pull women out and sit and talk. Ive done it several times; these are women that liked me and I could like them because I found them attractive and saw their heart was interested in mine. This is not easy. But a strange thing happened. I stopped... I could not go any further.
So; ive been ignoring people and women that I know completely and waiting on God for the next situation to open up for me to learn how to express my feelings for the next round; doesn't seem to be with the same people I was pulling outside onto the steps and talking to. I just isn't. it all stopped like a rock. It was like a sign from God; this segment is over; time to move on...
Now; Im working on writing about what I want next; it seems to be open conversations with women I could date; that feeling that they like me I like them but Im just talking to them. We are talking to each other; its more like a coffee date; something between a coffee date and just sitting on the steps for a few minutes and getting to know someone. This is also about trusting God and getting inline with myself my inner being and the universe.
Here is another concept; "no expectations"; its beginning to happen; if I say to you; I want a girlfriend in my life to be like my mother and walk me down to the art co op so I can talk to the owners and show them my Art; can this happen?; if I want it bad enough; why not do everything I can to make it happen because no one owes me anything anyway! They dont owe me anything. What do I want; no expectations; can this happen; well; Ill try and see if I cant make it happen. I used to get bent out of shape about making things happen. now Im a lot more freed up. Its still scary but Im getting their; ive had enough love and training for it. I am leaving everything and everyone behind again and starting over..
I would like a girl friend; how bad do I want one... no one owes me anything so Ill have to work at it... And that part of the world must open up for me if I want one... so; I have allot of preliminary work to do. Expressing myself around women in a specific way where no one owes me anything. Sell myself; be a salesman...
Something is wrong in the girlfriend department; it goes way way back and has something to do with dissociative disorder; her is a figurative example; women gets sexually abused over n over n over until she can no longer be in a bed; cant; or possibly a bed room ever again because of dissociative disorder.
In my case; I may never be able to be in a relationship because of the raping of my personality over n over n over; the torturing of it over n over over until Im no longer present.
I know of a women that has liked me; like the others I got close and blew her off. This time I was really closer but stopped. I did not ask her out or go any further because I was practicing social skills.. The next move for me would be to ask someone out that I liked. But Im dissociated from that. I could not go any further; it was like God stopped the whole thing; I got what I was suppose to get; a specific set of social interactions that Gave me more experience.
I believe the girl I liked or liked me; its a lost cause at this point like all the others before me.
A friend came up to me a few days ago and said; Ive known several women who were interested in you but they said you just went away. And he was right; I did go away. but he does not know why.
And Im doing it again because I dont trust the girl that likes me; its to easy for her to blow me off; walk away and take an interest in someone else; I really dont want to go through it. She did like me I could see it in her eyes and in her heart. But Im to freaked out by that. Maybe God will allow me to test her or see her again; but something big and horrible tells me to stay away from her; dont go their; its evil. No good can come from it. So; I run. I dont...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 22 times

working with the unviese; Laws of attraction

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:33 am

Social development; One of my manifestations has several minor manifestation; I would like the courage to get a car and afford it; a soulmate and keep her; attract her; talk to her; manifest one that is safe; I feel safe with and I can trust.... House, money, career, vacations; you feel me; the whole bag of goodies we all want. Im getting what I asked for; Im getting a second shot at my later childhood and beginning teenage years; its really simple; you need brothers; I hang out with people like me that dont want anything; they just like hanging out with me; and I with them; we are friends; going to 12 step meetings together and talking together; camping at bigger camp sites with a whole lot of other people. talking; we talk about what we need and how to get their emotionally to get back inline with life again. This is what I asked for.
Im about 2 years old from that age of dating; standing up to bullies; thinking about getting my first car; career stuff; first job; My maturity level; not my real age... my maturity level.
I can see it; Im slowly getting pulled back into that time period of learning again; missing the growing stuff I never got from a family system; the universe is supplying what I asked for. Im looking forward to working through it and getting through it; Should it take 2 years; I hope not; I dont think so. But I dont know; maybe I need that much experience; but I dont think so; want I need are specific experiences that build my confidence back the way a 14 year boy gets his confidence to ask girls out; I need that part of self re upped and ready to run; that revved up motoring; I need those real world experiences that get me back to being someone that Sells himself to get what he wants; not expecting anything from anyone. And their it is; hard interactions; learned chance taking in the real world of spontaneity.

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I might be single the remainder of my life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 29, 2020 4:08 am

I dont understand why this is so hard. I feel like God is not going to allow me to have a girlfriend. Ill die alone. What did I do to deserve this? what did I do to God... Theirs just no one.
Ill study more I guess. Here we go again; more time; more energy reading dating books on how to pick up women. How to be what their looking for; how to be a complete man nonsense.
I dont know. I have no idea. Im getting old. Ive never had a girlfriend. Nothing.
I just doesn't seem fair.... What did I to do God that he cant match me up with at least one person.
Safety is the number one issue for me; I have to feel safe; I dont want so 2 faced Ho around me. I want someone in their place and aligned with themselves and with God. No more games. ..
I just want someone nice. I have no idea where to go; nothing...
Ill keep working with God; but I really think Ill be single all my life. I see nothing; no one. Nothing.
I dont seem to b e attracting anyone; nothing. zero...

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