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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (951)
Archives
- July 2019
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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A place exists

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm

A place exists between where Im at and where I want to be. I would like control of my life; Money is part of it if not all of it. Money would solve all of it.
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Money would solve all of it but I wont let myself have money...
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That enterprising place; that place past the middle; that place between my fantasy and making things happen; thats what hurts and where I want to be; making things happen; learning on my own how to make things happen.
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I see allot of horror and anger and bad things in that position.
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I see allot of intimidation by others; bad mouthing; no growing up or development.
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I see short sidedness; I see people of the past intimidating me and taking swings at me physically keeping me in my place; ruining me, And I dont know what to do or where to go. I was demoralized and humiliated with no way out; over n over n over n over no ver. its like a brick wall. And Im not sure where to go or how to start again.
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So; I want to get to that free open place; I want to feel free and open and make plans to what I want and be in that enterprising place..
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The enterprising place scares me to death. I dont want to be stuck out their all alone.
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Everything seems bigger then me; even skiing, or a car or women; see them from the eyes of a very immature sheltered 14 year old or 8 year old. If your 6; you cant expect to know how to handle a job; you will traumatize a child into a state of catatonic.
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I have no personal power stories in any part of my life; nothing.
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Its the same for art and music and xbox and everything.
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A for women; its the same thing; Im like a first grader; that has to learn to take chances; thats an over whelming thing to do. Women are not of my age emotionally and seem more powerful to me; bigger, larger then life; but Im closing the gap kind of. Im getting their; no experiences are closing the gap. Its happening because experiences are flowing like water into a box; slowly filling the box up.
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So; everything seems bigger to me; trauma has caused this; being trapped has caused this. Trapped for most of my life without being strong enough to stand up and make my own decisions for myself.
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I cannot stand up for myself its to scary. Theirs a gap; I want someone else to stand up and make the way and I stay out of it.
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I want to concentrate on better bigger things.
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Im scared and intimidated to stand up for myself; its 2 much for me...
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People and places and things seem to big for me to stand up to.
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Having a car seems to big to me to have; Its to mature; to big; to much.
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Making art work is to big to much.
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Having money is to big to much...
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Making music is scary; to much negative horror associated with it; its to big; this horror; all of it. to much. To much intimidation; all of it.
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Everything is to much; to much intimidation...
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Their is a place; a place of action that is a free place; its not in the past; its now; taking chances now.. Im to small for this; or not big enough yet. I'm damaged and dont know how. I never got a chance to learn; I was destroyed.
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Not sure how much more I can write on it; its about preparing to learn how to take chances; ; to be at the place of competition with others; but not with others; with growth in myself. Im growing in myself. I would like to write more.
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I would like to write more about it.
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I would like to write more about it; to have more confidence. To feel like Im safe to learn to take chances; chances from trauma.
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Im not sure.... I know what I want; a gap resides between where Im at and what I want... I'm getting stronger but Im scared; its scary; its a scary gap. its bad; Im scared; Im in first grade and Im scared of this gap; I wish my father was here to help me; he would cary me over this gap. He would help me.
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So; I have a gap I shave to go over. Im not sure how to do that yet. Im working on it; building more experiences....

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 16 times

Things are changing again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm

Things are changing again; Im getting new perspective.
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Im with the understanding that the past must be deflated; I got some 30 different areas; family, institutions; experiences within those institutions, families; systems; that must be deflated; they have to much power over me because my whole childhood; 0-18 was a catastrophe of horror, let down, disappointment, out rage, surge, horror, terror, humiliation, degradation, rape; holocaust.
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My earlier life is a successions of horror; and thats all it was; fear at a tremendous inhuman level; the buildings, the people in the buildings and the neighboring countrysides; the schools; all of it.
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I've got the beginning place I lived; the town; from the beginning of my life. I then have the new town I lived in; my home town and the neighborhood I lived in; the house I lived in; the Grandparents from that town; a place I later had to live and their house and that neighborhood. I have the schools I attended; the grade school when living in my childhood house; I have the the continuation of grade school while living at the Grandparents house and the junior high. I have the new house with my mother in a new city on the coast; and the school I had to attend; the horror of that; that was in 6th grade. I then had to come back to my home town.
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From the 8th grade; I have to move back in with my mother at the coast; this is 9th grade; that house; that neighborhood and its bullies and that school system; including high school.
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Senior in high school; a most hideous situation. The house I lived in; my false best friend and his family; then the high school with its bullies and indifferent teachers...
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Then college years! And all of this must be looked at and deflated and worked through.
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The relatives; a false situation I should have never been exposed to. They were complete strangers; I was unfortunately; for them and me; It was unfortunate I had to associate with them.
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I would say; Im making my point. I have allot of institutions to deflate..
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Some things are or have been getting deflated. The best friend, his family and his house; deflated. The neighborhood I grew up in deflated. My childhood house; 30% deflated; or 20% deflated.
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The first girl I loved and thought I would marry; that has been deflated. IT was deflated because Ive successfully recreated the situation in the present and with practice; Ive been able to interact emotionally with people that had emotional feelings for me in the present (women). I was able to walk over to them; I was able to allow them to walk over to me; Ive intimately told them how I feel; they've told me how they feel; and thats thats; their is more to it; but you get the point; the reader should get it; understand; its been completed. IF I was 14 again' meeting my future wife; this time; at 16 years old; I now have the ability to have walked up to her and talked to her about what was happening to me and stayed with her.
The point; if I could have walked up to her and talked to her when 16; I can now meet new women and new relationships and continue down my life journey with a new family; no more living in the past. not necessary; However, Im extremely week... reality is a very hard place for me...
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This problems extend into music and art; lots of hardened horror associated with these concept from birth. So; the goal is to deflate music and art... thats one goal; that I be able to make music and art again.
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Im changing; the key is; working with the universe; how to deflate these horrific things of the past that they may have no power over me anymore.
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And the same deflation must occur with school work; I could have done many things; what ever I put my mind to; but it was all stolen from me through fear and trauma. So; nothing was accomplished in the school system.
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So; the school system; college system; home work; learning, studying. preparing for...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 16 times

Things are heating up; Im now backing down

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am

Strange things have happened for the last few months. Im into the laws of attraction; And Im becoming very aware of things.
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I've had flair ups for the last few months; or 90 days. Ive had terrific level flair ups and changes the last month.. More then all the years of working loa.
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Today and yesterday; Ive had numerous flair ups..
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I accomplished today; what I set out to accomplish years ago. Ive had intimate personal interaction with a women and or people.
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In the surroundings; Ive had to fight off many people in many covert ways. The people Im fighting off are trained and smart and many are sociopaths; its the nature of where I gather; I wont go into the details;
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The universe has taken where I gather and created situations for me to grow; hundreds of them; thousands of them.
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However, within the middle of this turmoil; I situation arise'd; a young women trying to get close to me; over n over, and I running away from her; but questioning the situation; This has been going on for a year; she does not understand my dissociative disorder; she's been trying to get close to me for 1 1/2. Before she could get close enough; I left for 9 months; and now I have returned a month 1/2 ago; to find her pregnant by someone else. And this is great news for me; for her interactions with me was not to be physical; but a test from the universe; I will explain.
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I was not to get caught up with her physically; for she was being used by the universe to help me. She was being used that I practice interaction with her. She was the perfect candidate. She liked me; was drawn to me by my speaking ability within groups; she at times; would walk across a room and sit by me; just to get close to me because she was drawn to me; that is how attracted she was to me. I would close up shop; I could not handle it because of dissociative disorder. I finally left as she was getting to close. However, now that I'm better; things are different.
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I began to use her for practice; to walk over to her and start small conversations; she had proven herself to me. I would start them; shake her hand; talk and move on; this was before.
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Lately; since I've been back; Ive actually tried to get her attention from across a room and when she did not respond; I got up on my own volition and walked over and put my arms out for a hug; she hugged me and squeezed me. And at that moment when she accepted my hug and it was a good warm long hug where she felt relief and release; it was over; I had accomplished my first phase; with out going into to much detail with the reader; and let the reader understand; many more small positive skirmishes occurred between me and this women; she had now helped me finish my objective; I had created intimate interest with an authentic intimacy; I had waited and watched; she had created contact with me; I got used to it; I ran away but came back numerous times; And lately, Ive be reciprocating as if I was in a relationship with her. However, she is in a relationship with someone else and signals were given tonight of dejection toward me; almost as if she was saying; this is over. And this is all from the universal. The universe is all over this...
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Tonight was the end. I saw her at a meeting; As I left; I saw her and waved; she gave me a kind of rejecting look. What does this mean; its a wake up call for me. We have no relationship; thats what it meant. She was giving me this signal because tonight; thats the signal I was giving her or she was feeling from the universe. She got the message; her participation with me is now over and complete. What does all this mean. It means the universe created a situation for me to re enact what happened to me when 14; where I met my future wife and because of the psychopaths; it fell through; I through her away. the universe created one of many new situations for me to complete a simulation to re connect at an intimate emotional...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 15 times

I have CPTSD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm

I have CPTSD; I forget sometimes why life is so hard; why its so hard to come out of protect mode into reconnect mode. The child in me does not want to reconnect with a world full of sociopaths. Im try protect to save my life; the last thing I want is reconnect to an uncaring world.
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The best protection I could come up with is money. Be rich; that way Im way above the masses and I don't answer to anyone. buT that never happened. Instead I protect myself right into a corner and cocoon I never came out of. '
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So; Im learning how to connect where Im at; and that is scary; but I realize; its going to be scary no matter where I go.
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When I allow the connection process to occur; I don't seem to have an immediate maturity to go with it; Instead; its like Im 3 years old. And need a mother and father to take my hand and guide me along; if not; Ill go into freeze mode and get nothing out of the experience.
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Needing that feeling of support for taking chances for who I am
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I want to be taken seriously, taken care of thinking Im privileged and make the bad world go away. I worth it. I want world with no trauma . I want protection and decency.
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I know I can write stories of what I want; thats where the breakes come from. I see the child in me writing these stories. Thats where Im going to see the changes.I have to see the changes in my mind first. I write the new stories of my life; i visualize those stories, then I become comfortable with the visuals of those stories.

The biggest problem I have is my thoughts and the critical voice when Im trying to reconnect to the world.
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Where do I start; what is the starting point; thats what Im looking for; a goal or direction; the right one. I always have this feeling; its to late; but its not; not if I believe in something. thats what Im looking for; what I believe in.
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Ive spent my life not believing because I looked for the corruption in everything and found it; and said not it;. the problem is; what Im I suppose to do with my life? make pictures; I don't know.
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Im so sick of being a person that cant protect himself; that is at the mercy of others; I don't like it; I feel like Im going in directions to get relief from having to go in other directions, and thats all life is; Im not motived for that. Where or what am I suppose to do or be.
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I suppose the past and hanging on to it is part of the problems; but I hang on because Im a decent person that wants proper resolution of the past; something with dignity.
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I want to live in a world of dignity not shame.
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I hate having to put all my personal stuff out on the table for everyone too see it; but I dont have the only or personal power in life to hide. Im not in a direction and I dont know how to get into one.
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It seems what I want is way out their; to far away; whats the use..
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The things I want; theirs way to big a gap.
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So; Im not sure what to do; I give up; but Im still on planet earth...
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So; I have a negative view of ever having success at anything; and its the negative view Im trying to change; possibly I haven't been honest about it; how I really feel; so; I might need to write some blocks about failure and how it feels and how to feel it and grieve it and work through it; get it out of my system; the anger and fear and hostility and move on; Im caught; a snag or thorn in the side; something buried so deep I cant get it out; its dissociated and causes to much pain...
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Something is stopping me from becoming the real me; that critical voice is stopping me; I have token working at it. It gets depressing working on the critical voice. It gets depressing when trying to pick a direction; and all directions have the same bullies down the pathway. IT sucks; I dont want to move through any of this; I just want a safe journey.
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I dont know how to stand up for myself because I dont know why Im standing up for myself. I dont know why.
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If it felt right;...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 29 times

Real changes are occurring

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am

I must keep at it; Ive got a chance to work through the issues with my house when young; This being my first house; first one I lived in that I considered my home or home town neighborhood. I did live in other places before I lived in my home town. However, I was to young to know... I was 4 I think when I moved into my house.
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The house I lived in; in my home town; this was a view in my mind; a view of something I cherished; my home and my home town. I loved my home town and my house and my school and such. I was young enough to not understand the reality of things; things like bullies and tests and bad sadistic teachers and such. This was the middle 1960's.
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I lived in a house.
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When I first was introduced to the neighborhood I lived in; I loved it; I thought; " my parents must love me to allow me to live in a place like this; its proof that I am being taken care of and loved; and the grade school was down the block; so; this was more proof that I was loved. In reality; I was being set up to be destroyed; but of course I would not know any thing like this as a small child. I would have already been destroyed if certain situations were not in placed; for I was already exposed to very toxic dangerous bad things; things of neglect...
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I moved into my house on C street. It was a perfect house; It was my house; I had a father; nothing else mattered. My mother played a submissive roll and had to comply; she had to feed me or take care of the clothing; that kind of thing. My father was in charge. This stable situation helped me to believe everything on earth was safe and fine. In reality; nothing could be further from the truth; The truth; this women ( mother); was a sadistic psychopath being kept inline by her husband. When he was in control she stayed inline; she stayed inline and played this submissive roll because his family had money; and that is the only reason; no other; she was using him has a host for her own ambitions; nothing more. Her plans to marry father the farmer fell through. He did not end up being what she had planned; she had planned a stable farmer situation; it never happened because he was a paranoid delusional sociopath. Its horrific that these 2 monsters found each other; However, considering frequency; they were both at the same level... it would assume. As long as my needs were being met and felt safe and loved; nothing mattered; unfortunately; I was never safe and never loved; I was living off my own fantasy bond at the time... I was completely alone and never knew it. After nursery school and kindergarten things would change rapidly when starting the first grade; signs of neglect will begin immidialaty; unfortunately; no way for a child to know this; the child begins to feel the symptoms of this but has no idea whats going on or why! no clue.
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The house; In the house lives this false family system; I had 2 older brothers; both being destroyed; but I did not know; both being destroyed by severe human neglect; I assume they got clothing and enough to eat; but as for human love and compassion and understanding and help in school or with their future; nothing. They were docile when I begin to remember them; I did not know why at the time; but later I will understand. I did not understand at the time.
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Christmas and Charley Brown.
For me; life was like a Christmas story and a Charley Brown special; thats what life was like; thats how I saw it and felt it. And I was allowed to believe this extended story for several years when young; because I was being taken care of and loved?; not? because I was being neglected; I had figured out a way to enter the neighborhood and make a bunch of friends I could get attention from; and I did; And then I would go home and watch Christmas shows and Charley Brown specials on TV and other stuff. I created a giant fun exciting futuristic life in my head. In reality; it was all in...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 30 times

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