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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Finding my voice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm

Expressing my opinion was shut down because I was thrown away when young by those and society who were suppose to protect me; society got in on it and murdered me as well; it was like having my opinion shoved down my throat; and terror took its place... It was like have my life ripped out; A child needs a stable base on which to speak; and that base was pulled out on me as a child; which is totally immoral; but psychopaths are lawless; they have no concept of morality; nothing...

My voice was shut off as a boy; if I stayed quiet but had a stable background; that would have been different; but it wasn't; I was used and continued to be used; I knew something was not right; but I did not know it was my Dad that was causing it; that the neglect was coming from him; it was; but I was to young to recognize it; I thought he was on my side. Later I would realize; he was on no ones side; he was a sociopath and a potential serial rapist of women... And a fraud; a sociopathic fraud. He was not safe for anyone to be around; certainly not children; because he would use them; he would be-friend them for a purpose; general to act out his social elite fantasies; meaning; he could walk around and show the world that he had a family and was a father; in reality; he was not paying for anything; monetarily he was not a father. What does this mean; it appears he wanted to play house; I wanted to play with the children but not feed them. And at some point; with further inquiry; he didn't play all that much or of any length of time with the children. In fact; he was only seen when he was home. And he wasn't home all that much; he was in the works for himself; The kids were along for amusement or boredom; and were present for nothing more. I was used; I was an opportunity for my fathers interests in other places; he would take me places; to peoples houses so he could look like an important family man; he would not take my older brothers; only me; now I know why; my older brothers already knew what these animals were like; they knew he was exploiting children and he could not get away with it with older children; but a 5 year old he could get away with it.
As far as my mother; no mother; a psychopath waiting in the wings to see if my fathers family pans out as an opportunity for money; if it falls through; she's gone; that is her only interest in staying in that family system; she has no other; the money and a place to hide. She made a mistake on this marriage; This is her 5th attempt at a marriage relationship; by the time she's with my father; I believe he is number 2; she tried to be married several time; but they fell through. She may have been married a 3rd time before Im born; Im not sure; no on told me when I was young that she had been previously married. I did not know she had been married before. She tried to hook up with a boy in high school; The boys parents saw what she was; and got the boy out of their. She tried to hook up with a guy in college; he got out of their. She married a guy in college; another guy; married for 5 years; He got out of their. My father was a kid from a farm; she thought she had it made; He was dumb and innocent and believed in love; how foolish; he did not understand women and or hypergamy; he knew nothing about their nature and that their main interest is resources... He was innocently in love with her; Im so sorry! She thought she had a fool she could manipulate like a monkey in a zoo; but it backfired. My father was brought up on a ranch; he had to work every day of his life from a very very young age... Farmers are moral woodsman people. They have standards of a certain nature. My mother walked into a moral trap; something her psychopathic background could not have detected or understood; she did not understand spiritual concept; she had no soul; did not understand morality or its purpose. She was looking for a host and found...

[ Continued ]

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Three important conversations with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am

Three important conversations with women
The fist is with a sponsor Ive worked with for 30 years; She is old enough to be my mother; for the very first time; a few weeks ago; I had a real strait forward powerful equal conversation with this person; it was powerful and in the moment; in this moment now. It was earned from all the work Ive done in recovery; it mean; I was not in the past; I had earned the right to be in the present from all the hard work Ive done. I talked to her as a friend and a mentor of my own right; equal. Long conversation; 2 hours; I helped her out this time because I had more recovery in areas then she did. It was an equal conversation; it was not a boy to mom conversation; or broken person to therapist kind of conversation; or lost soul to mentor conversation; it was 2 equal people in equal positions exploring each other... It was here now; no past. It was as perfect moment of unison as one could get...
#2; the hot girl; really hot; sexy hot at the meetings; When I was dissociative; I did not remember her like this; this was different; she was really really high up good looking on the looks scale; sexy; shocked me a bit; the kind of girl who could have anyone they want; and she wanted me; at least for time being; but even a month or several months ago; it was still to soon. I pulled back out of fear; She was looking my way; lets say it that way! I had a dissociative fear; PTSD CPTSD fear; My nervous system went into red alert and I backed off. Did not trust anything; the problem with this; I couldn't even sleep with her; and I cant when my nervous system is in this condition; no toleration of any kind. I don't control it; Im still wounded and Im flash backing and critical voice is attacking me horribly; the past rushes in on me; thats what happened. I still cant talk to women about it; tell them; OKe; lets go out and see what happens...
I saw her in the crowd; in the parking lot. I opened to a few other people; and made my way to other persons; we talked for awhile in the middle of the parking lot with all the others; and then I found myself sitting next to a truck and she came over and stood in front with me and this other guy; and got into the conversation. However, at some point he got left out and we talked alone for the remainder of the conversation; I was intelligent engaging; and lots of questions and answers and rebuttals. I did not agree with her most of the time; she was a psych major at the state university; in her 30's I think. She was studying psychology; and one of my favorite topics got brought up; and she brought it up; " Serial Killers"; and we argued and discussed different concepts and theories of serial killers; I was shocked; she was much deeper and intelligent then I realized; The last man she was with; well; Im starting to understand that she had a play a lo key personality. that was a year ago; She had tried to get my attention for several months;

Ive talked about this on this block and other blocks; If you want to date; you must loose weight and look good; dress nice; and with women; a good makeup job and hair; and pumps and a very lean thin waist; meaning; not fat; nothing; not over anorexic; but pleasing to a man. And pleasing she was; I was caught off guard. And I was correct; within; she was chasing a few of us guys; she had the predictable other alpha males the women liked in the groups; she snagged one and that was that; It took her about a month; but she was coming on to me first... But I shied away very quickly; I gave no interest and no respond; I was a dead cold rock; a fortress...
weight loss and what it takes to date~ You dont get to make the rules; the rules are set before us through biology...
I am completely shocked and disoriented by the stupidity of the generation of people that comes after me concerning certain things; they want to argue with me. Im not suggesting...

[ Continued ]

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I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am

Im blaming myself for being attacked by a sociopath; Im playing the victim and its costing me; its attracting sociopaths; their coming out of the walls to get me. Im playing passive aggressive and its back firing; I thought it would keep the sociopaths away from me; instead its attracting them. Im being forced to leave where Im at because of it. Will this ever stop. I keep wanting to blame myself for their actions. But I wont get up and leave.
Im trying to fight against them with passive aggression and its not working; in reality; I would rather not know them; Im trying to recover around them and they are discovering me. Im found out. and Im scared and want to run; I freeze from being frightened of them. I don't know what to do; " help"; I don't know who to call for help.
Help Help Help... thats all I can say about it... Help!!! Where do I get off this train. someone stop the train so I can get off.
I see in black n white thinking like theirs nothing else I can do; just black and white thinking; so; Ive got a trauma bond; its a remake of the past all over again. Im reliving everything from my past all over again and Im not sure what to do about it.
Im around group of people that are not policed.... so; one learns to get tough; but I haven't been trough about anything; not tough enough.
I have been developing in my recovery; and I need to continue.... Im doing OKe. Im trying to build my presence back... my life.. my boundaries.
I have to keep working at things; not give up; keep going at it... not throw in the towel. Its hard when I don't win; I keep trying to win against the sociopaths and I loose. when will I ever wake up and stop gambling with them; I want to spit in their face and I cant; Im to chicken; Im not man enough and they know this and see that Im a coward and scared and then they attack me... And I get scared and feel scared...
They call my bluff...
I don't want to get pulled into a fight.... I don't want to get at their level.....
Im not the only one going through it; other people are being bothered by the same people; but I feel paralyzed to do anything about it; I might as well be molested; thats the way it feels; like someone can touch my body without my permission....
So; its a reenactment of the past all over again; and my manhood crumbles because of it and no one else is protecting me.. No one... and I hate this; it reminds me of being thrown way.
I want to put my foot down; but if I do; Im giving into these sociopaths. and Im not going to do that; Im not going respond; Ill leave instead...
I have to be able to leave; Im trying trying to make my home in a nest of thieves; basically because I feel safer around them then the middle class people in neighborhoods that judge me and try to destroy me according to my economics....
It seems like Ive got no place I can call my own or my home. So; I have to keep going; keep working with the universe for an answer to this.. an answer to a home...


Ive noticed later; every sociopath in the world showing up around me; they are showing up when Im showing up; but Im avoiding them for the most part; but right now; their coming out of the seems; Im not protected; Im wondering where God is...
Im wondering where God has been my whole life; I don't get it; I had a nice life for a little while when a child; but then it was taken away from me; stripped and I was dumped; what do I do now.
I was used by people before. what do I do now...
Where do I go...
So; Im in the middle of no mans land; Ive got 12 step meetings that I go to; I don't have much else accept writing. I don't know anyone else; and the universe; doesn't seem to be bringing me anyone else. However, I have discovered a few things; the world is all around me; Im not open to it. but that is because Im worth more...

[ Continued ]

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Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am

Im right at the edge; Im building up. Im getting all my flying equipment; Im working with the universe and seeing what direction will be given to me to unfold. Im a little kid depending on the adult who driving this bus... So far; the adult has been mindless and driving us in circles in the same forest for 50 years. So; Im wanting to go somewhere new. So; I must be part of the show for this to happen; but Im still scared from the past and that the bad people are their and their going to get me again... what they did to me; taking full control of me and making me a hostage ; like a piece a meat or a captive in my own country. And I have to keep talking about that until Im released from the dissociation of it. I go into dissociation at the core of this; flash backs; and I scream in pain from them; agony... Horrible. And I want to get through that lower level of flashbacks and dissociation. I get triggered so deeply; in so much pain...
Im working on it; or its working me; it takes over my mind completely; stuffs me in; like being stuffed in an oven.
Horrible; horrifying..
How will I work through this; its a nightmare i want to wake up from and be at home again; but theirs no home; I was stripped of my home; so I can never wake up; thats what the psychopaths were hoping for; complete annihilation of an innocent human being. And it was completed; but the psychopath does not understand the universe or God or source energy or Jesus; or anything spiritual; they know nothing of such things or the way the world really works; the energy that keeps it alive and growing; So; I grew back; over a long covert course of time; Im still in the process; in many cases Im still trying to stabilized through abusive years of over the top horror; that drown me in fear terror and trauma; leaving me a human cripple.
I have to work through; " human cripple" and become present to the child in me; thats the goal; the child of 4 to 9 years old; and continue from that place; and its already happened. In fact; many things have occurred that make me identical to the 9 year old in 1970; and thats a good thing; the things I; what I was doing as a child; but I've got hundreds more to learn if Im going to re establish my beginning identity. In fact; Im starting to naturally do them again and the opportunity for them continues to show up; As if God is putting those opportunities in front of me as I take a first interest in them; I take an interest with my heart committed and suddenly out of know where; an opportunities shows up; And it continues to show up.

Here is a strange example of things showing up lately; altho this was not from my childhood or related to my childhood.; It was from the universe connecting with the child in me; a manifestation; not a direct manifestation; well; I dont know what it is; but I do; its the 12 year old in me; he's focusing on new things to connect to; now that he has more personal power from the past.

Eminem; the rap artist. Out of nowhere; I wanted to listen to him; I was drawn to his music to his personality. And Ive never looked back; its been on full since; about 3 months. Don't know where it came from; but its internal... He is alive in me; one might say; as an artist. Don't know what happened; just happened. And suddenly Im biking down the street; several miles from home. I look down and their it is; a broken Eminem CD; And I had been thinking about him all day; I took the CD; took it home; washed it off; put it on the wall as an LOA souvenir next to a flute; another LOA souvenir..... He seems to be playing some importance in my life right now. I don't know. He's not the first; Their have been a few other celebs that caught my soul; or my soul caught caught up in them or what they were about or the music they were creating; God thing; I guess its a learning thing...
Im mellowing out just going through the gap....

[ Continued ]

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A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am

As my mind continues to get stronger; I begin to see it first of things in my mind; in mind I see it; glances of it. feelings of it; moments of it; but also the pain. the pain of having one parent turn on me and want to destroyed me from the day Im born; then the other; both; and going me up and sending me to a rapist and child molester and satanist.... And I no one; Im thrown away. and can never go back; that was their goal. But it didn't work that way; They are Godless and lawless...
What do I see in my mind; Im seeing and feeling the good things about my childhood that I created. The football games I attended with friends; and that I had friends; later they would betray me. And later others would betray me or act like they had never met me; like I was a loser; but I was no loser; I was destroyed and no one wanted me around; instead of helping me; they turned on me... And tried to get rid of me; or turn me into something bad; and this gave them the right to ostracize me.

OKE: into the present; Parts of me want to wake up; but their is no support accept the neighborhood I came from; the actually physical place; and the memories of being buried alive by those who were suppose to love me; It gets hard now; it one thing to forgive; but to move on; Im feeling the effects of what they did; its so horrible. Im trying to move out of the limited beliefs i have; Im hitting walls of hard pain; its very very bad.. Im working toward it; I feel like Im an 8 year old struggling to get better and I need my parents to help support me; but it was my parents who did this in the first place; so great amounts of pain are brought up; its over the top pain; its horrible; and then I feel the refenge; its so huge; more then huge.. horrible.
Im working out of it; Im trying to come out of the deep end of things back to the top of things and back to being me; but Ive got to have something; anything to look back on as a support; something; anything; and their is nothing; Im being used by everyone. Its horrible; but the primary people that are suppose to help in a childs life; they are all using me; no one to stand on or with; nothing; and this is a killer trying to crawl out of this.
in my mind and feel it; I begin to allow myself to enjoy the dream in my mind; I begin to allow myself to look at what feels good; or; I begin to allow the right to look at it and appreciate it. I begin to allow myself to look at it; or the child to look at it; for the child lost it; lost all of it. I saw the world as an immoral place; and if it was to treat me immorally; I would not participate within it; and for years I did not. However, at some time I was loosing my life. For those who can accept it; My life was a giant psychological hunger strike; and at other times; a forced real hunger strike of poverty and the streets from homelessness. I went through my homeless period; that was fun; certainly I jest unless you think being always close to death is fun; its no fun...
I remember the winter; the cold; the great freezer; it was like living in a supermarket meat locker with a pitched tent and no coat... Its a scary deal. One learns to respect the great freezer; the winter; for it never leaves; 24 hours a day; and it can kill; especially if you have to live out in it.
My mind is having remarkable changes; its coming back into alignment; its not very strong; but its healing and allowing good things to show up within its imagination. Its vulnerable; sensitive; like a newly created giraffe.
Im allowing things in my imagination from the innocent child in me; this suggests the child in me feels safe; feels he has a chance to live. I had nothing before. The world was over whelming for me. My mind shut down; my soul and nervous system shut down; I had nothing. And when I say this; I see my mothers control and Im reacting to that control.
Im free of my mother again; Im free...

[ Continued ]

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