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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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emotions starting to bleed out; This is good

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm

My emotions and memories are starting to bleed out; Im starting to wake up and remember a bit of who I am. More is needed if Im to be in a relationship; Lots more; Im on the right path; the goal is to keep it up... Keep setting goals that the universe must answer to that I become the kind of person to be in a relationship.... And their it is; Im slowly getting their. I need much much more bleeding of my emotions and thoughts and pTSD and past; all of it grounded out to a halting nothingness so I can feel free and safe and be myself again.
Not sure how Im going to get over the loss of my house as a child; dont know; never saw that coming... Not sure how that will be processed out. I Dont know.
The fake friends I had as a child; that is hard also; However, more people have shown up from my past and it looks like Ive got friends from that time period that were on my side; and that is good...
That is a God thing.
I will keep thoughts of the women I want; keep them in my mind until they show up; keep visualizing as if they are already here with me... As if Ive already met them.
How God is going to change me I dont know how... but I hope its quickly.

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Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am

Im blocked from dealing with the opposite sex. I continue to get a little better or closer; Im not sure how long this healing process will take...
I find myself around the wrong women... Im stuck and still hurt or in rage and pain and horror and fright and flight from the past... Actually they are the right women... Im scared to tell them whats really wrong with me...
I cant get near women.. I just cant; possibly because Im around the wrong women. Im scared to get around the right ones because they are even more judgmental. Im scared to tell them I cant get vulnerable around them; it brings up flashbacks...
Id like to meet the right kind of women that want to help.... God has sent me women but I refused them; I never trusted them. I was overwhelmed by them. I was in 12 step meetings of all sorts; women came at me; I refused them. Scared of them.... But attracted to them; lose of power around them; suddenly they had all the power... I became passive aggressive. I could not stand up to them or deal with them; I refused out of hatred and contempt. deep hatred and contempt hatred. I was projecting from the time I was split in 2 from trauma and thrown away.. all over my head. Actually the problem was sorrow... I was sad.. So; Ill have to look at what makes me sad when dealing with these women. Why am I so saddened when dealing with them?
I would like to get some help so I can be in relationships; Ive been opening allot of stuff up at meetings; 12 step meetings where many have no clue as to what is wrong wrong with me; but they think they know. And God has brought me women but I never took the bait. I saw it as bait; like a shark was enticing me... I always saw the women as monsters trying to eat me alive in a sadistic way... Ive had no respect for them... Non of them... But thats not true. I dont hate women... I had no respect for those that deserved no respect; predators and opportunists that take advantage of people. Nice women who have been damaged by bad people; Ive had no problems with them; but looking at this Im wondering why Ive been around the predators and not the nice women. I mean; if I had been around the nice women; I would not be writing this right now; ive be dating them.
The truth is; non of the women Ive dealt with in the present are the problem; the problem are the few women I dealt with when young who were true monsters that through me over the top into a deserted life; those are the people I have problems with.
Im scared to date nice women; im afraid they will judge me against other nice people and I will be dumped... I dont believe women really care about relationships... I dont believe it; money is more important to them.
The love Ive had for someone women; love created by God in my heart has had no value to any women Ive been around; ive been shunned or laughter at or dumped; They never cared that I loved them. In fact; they end up going out with guys that play a bad boy role But feel nothing for them... I guess the women feel they can rescue the bad boy. But I had real love for them; had no value. seems almost satanic on their part. I think love does have value to the women Im around; ive just never told them anything of how I feel.
So; Ive got allot of anger and rage and animosity about certain women that must come out; And looking at it; its actually only the women I knew from the past; but its been held in... And its causing massive overload of stress anytime Im around any women; I get triggered from almost nothing. PTSD gets triggered.
As for women that like me; scares me and its over my head and I dont want to deal with it or with them; its all to much for me... Im sure they cant help me; they dont know anything about me; they are making a mistake getting involved with me but dont know it; when they find out what Im really like they will bolt And they do.... but Im actually causing them to leave; not...

[ Continued ]

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The work is over my head; but thats OK

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am

On having a wife; the work is over my head but it will come. Im getting better; slowly; but Im slowly developing on stage at a time; at some point; I will have over come the opticals Im facing.
Do I not have women interested in me; I have one right now that is interested in me but she is the wrong type of person.
I have CPTSD from trauma and Dissociative disorder/AVPD; agoraphobia, and so forth...
I was thrown away at the age of 9? later moved to relatives; I would not call them that; monsters.. I started using drugs because it didnt really matter now did it. No one cared what happened to me. This goes on for 5 years... at the end I was using PCP and psychedelics ;l was overdosing and ending up in hospitals. later at the age of 22; I started drinking I think; by the time Im 30; That last 2 years; Its looking more alcoholic; But end up in the nut house for PTSD reasons and it all comes to a crashing halt; Im in recovery and about to go through a bizarre gruesome strange life for the next 20 or more years as a mentally ill person getting worse...
CPTSD DISSOCIATIVE Disorder are the main problems; any drugs or alcohol are secondary but still qualify to be in the rooms of of addicts and alcoholics and in the rooms of PTSD Trauma people,. clinical depression people and so on....
So; The town I live in; Im all over the place in recovery rooms; all of them; doesn't matter the subject name; CR, Emotions anonymous; makes no difference..
Ive learned one important issue; do not date women from meetings with chemical dependency. The women are sociopaths... And it doesn't work; even if they can feel and have a good heart; They have no right or wrong about them; losses; none that liked me; non questioned their own behavior; No ability to reflect....
Recently or actually last year a young women liked me; I could not or would not respond., When I finally did; I had a conversation with her. but their were problems.... I finally ignored her completely. She tried to say high; I ignored her completely; the reason; She needed to question her own behavior... but she never did.. And most dont that ive dealt with; they always blame someone else but are never willing to change... They will not change their behavior to honer their hearts,...
Thus; I met a women similar to what Im describing in my previous paragraph. She likes me; it seem authentic; But when she finally said hello to me for the last time; 2 weeks later she started courting a guy in front of me; knowing the effects upon me. I know this; I wont go into the details. It was sickening to watch and broke my heart... She didnt care. I cant have anything to do with her ever again... She has no conscious ; nothing,.
Here is the point. I have to meet women outside the recovery process; meet them back in the real world. A decent nice person; I will not associate with anything less... She must be safe and of quality or no go....
So; its all over my head to meet someone in the real world. Im hardly able to handle any kind of reality.
I can hardly handle any kind of reality; things like asking the right women out for a date. Well; I would say I can do that; Getting invited to meet this right person has been the problem; thats the work; the process of meeting the right person being invited to meet the right person. attracting the right person. Its over my head. The reasons; many reason; the point; I will need a tribe of men to work with that will strengthen me for this journey.,.. And its over my head and thats Ok. its one phase at a time of learning and experiencing and at some point ill feel good enough and confidence to meet women again and ill meet my wife; because thats what I want...

Im working with men right now and I must say; I cant do this thing alone; I will need their help to slowly develop me...
My goal is to let go of the past; I have ways of doing. his; and moving...

[ Continued ]

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Wont let the people I love into my life...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am

So; if Im in love with a women; I wont let her into my life.
If I love doing someone; I wont let it into my life.
And their is the beginning of my next journey of my healing or psych work; so much pain and dissociation; I can hardly deal with it. And this doesn't include the natural fears of rejection or what if Im not good enough or she is way over my head in the ability to express herself and so fourth. Im not going after what I want... and Im blaming her; I dissociate And stopped cold in my tracks. Heres the deal; cant be done on my own all at once. I mean; Im hitting several hard areas.. Even talking to them; I run... run away with no hope of getting anywhere so why bother trying; This is after I know they love me and I know I have a relationship with them waiting for me; but I wont take the chance... Im to chicken to take the chance. I wont solve this here in this writing. Its way over my head and has to do with being in my childhood home; my memories; then being pulled from my home and thrown away and all the horror after that and watching or being forced to watch my home being disintegrated from the inside out by the psychopaths that planned it; I had no one and no one cared what happened to me; I was in the 5th grade and no protection nor any warning of what was happening; had no idea what was coming but they knew. And that is also part of it,... Im afraid I'm attracting women just like my mother of that time; 5th grade; and it scares me to death. But; I must remember; Ill need help to get through all of this,...
So; Ill be talking to women about this and getting more outside help if I need to; but ill come up with an answer; feeling good about myself; looking good; cleaned up; outgoing. interesting; when I said; looking good; this scares me... being fully outgoing and present scares me; I see abusers and I see sexual abusers taking advantage of me; they are huge and I am small and they are like towering over me and I am small and dont want to be noticed; I want to run; but their is no lock on the door at night to keep them out.. And I dont want to go to sleep ever... And I wake up sometimes and they are hover over the bed next to me in the dark..... and I have no where to run or hide.... nothing and no way to protect myself.
And I have only memories of my home that was silently and suddenly taken from me; no one said a word to me and no one cared if they ever saw me again; I meant nothing to everyone... It was as if I had never been nor eve been born.
And so much more to write about. One main problem; my memories of who I am and the solemness to write is from the years in my childhood house; before I was thrown away; but its a 2 edged sward because my memories switch back and fourth from before and after and in the city at the coast where bad things happened and I had nowhere to go or live; nothing... I was not wanted their either... flunking out of school; and the girl up the street did not want me ever again; I meant nothing to her and I was closed out of her life and she could careless and non of this made any sense to me... my mind is full of cracked places.... and experiences... And nothing solid to land on. I have God. And this might be a kind of break through right now writing about this; giving me clarity of who I am and that I can take myself with me and not care what others think of me. in fact its a real opening right now; My acceptance and how I feel about things.
After being at a meeting today; more growth... And; coming to the next level of conclusion about my condition.
I am now at a point that I dont really need anyone to be in a relationship to help me express myself. I; directed by God; I slowly start out with general people; safe people; telling them how I feel about them and slowly with time, learn to move up the latter of those important to me; with the end goal; when I meet someone I really like and want to spend time...

[ Continued ]

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Social and feeling worthy

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm

I realized tonight I do not feel worthy enough to get married...
At a meeting tonight; I screamed out and stomped the floor; " She was my wife"; Ive never said that publicly to anyone before.
The women thing is picking up... Women are showing up for social reasons. Im starting to interact with them; ask them out for coffee and talk to them like they are my wives and close friends...
The women at the meeting; " She is my wife"; Her behavior and her personality is so pathological and broken; Im not sure it can ever be repaired; I dont know; It certainly is in no shape for a relationship for someone like myself. However, her heart; and when I look into her eyes; the connection between us; she is my wife. So; What does that really mean; It means the universe is trying to send the right women for the job.. Traits of a wife are showing up in several different areas and people. This women Im talking about in this paragraph is one example... Not all of her Is workable in a relationship; so; she will not be in a relationship with me; but that does not mean the potential is not their. Potential exists; but the person is in no shape to be around me; in fact; because of the persons pathological state; she is dangerous.
I Saw another women at the meetings; she was opening the meetings. Ive known of her but never trusted her; ive been praying for safe women to open up to. This women at the meeting.. Shes becoming my friend. Never thought that would happen and Ive opened up many personal things to her...
Another women I saw; she has a truck and we talked and it was closer then its ever been. Ive know her for 5 years? I wanted to ask her out a long time ago... yesterday while getting a ride home. I talked and lectured her about God and recovery. It sounded like a man and wife bickering... I was deep and real and honest.. And I asked her out for coffee; platonically; my choice. I mean; Im not looking for that right now; Im trying to become friends with people and do things together; Im at that social stage again.
And many other things happening.
One women; had the potential to be my wife.. When I look in her eyes I can see it and she can see it in mine; but it will never be... Not with that monster... but the signs are showing up all over the place and the women that take notice of me and I them; they bring a special quality all their own; and its a marriage quality they are allowing me to experience with them; possibly; one is taking care of me. Another; we are bantering back in forth as if we have been married for 30 years. Another want to give me advice; another sits in front of me while I creatively converse with her in a way that is flirtatious heading toward marriage... Its not going to head toward marriage with any of these people; thats not the point. The point is; the universe is bringing the right people that are safe....that I may practice until I am better.....
I got up for a zoom meeting this morning. I text a women for a ride for tonight to another meeting. It didnt used to be like that; I would ride my bike; not text a women for something; thats whats changing...

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