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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1084)
Archives
- September 2020
Creating a new vision for the future
   Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:04 pm
Dating; getting left behind
   Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:32 am
CPTsd; Im starting to understand a need for a cure
   Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:06 am
Pure evil
   Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:09 pm
changing my attitude about people
   Tue Sep 08, 2020 12:27 am
Third level; hard earned.
   Mon Sep 07, 2020 1:11 am
Im finally starting to figure somethings out
   Thu Sep 03, 2020 10:26 am

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Creating a new vision for the future

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:04 pm

Im going from a closed in world of living at 12 step meetings to the outside world. Its time to change.
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The problem is within my mind; I see all this abandonment from the past. So; Ill put it all down on paper; all of the views of what I had and lost or what ever I see in my mind and then re create a new vision for each thought on the other side of the page of what I want for my life...

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Dating; getting left behind

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:32 am

God/universe sends women to me; I freeze up; I dont ask them out; they give up; They are taken by another man.
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I come home; I feel safe; but the child in me is wondering why I didnt ask them out; they were sent by God and the child within me knows it. I the adult am scared to death; coward-ess and I loose the girl. Or its the other way around.
C PTSD/Dissociative Disorder.
THe child in me wont let go. THe adult has to take over if I am to date someone. THe child stops everything; every time. This has been going on all my life. Im o so frustrated. Just lost another one. I tell myself all the horror stories of the person. But in reality; she would have been a dedicated nice girl for me who would not have caused any problems. But I would not take a chance and find out. I swear; Im making a plan; and the next girl that God sends me. No more thinking; just run up and get her number and start dating; because the child in me comes up with every excuse from the past of what will happen to me; all the PTSD comes up... Nonsense. I have to learn about the dating game; first I have to date her before Im making dating decisions; not before; being cautious is ridiculous. People who want something in life take chances; its that simple. I tried to tell myself she wasn't safe; but the child in me and God told me she was my best friend.
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Heres the deal; I wanted her from the beginning; next time; ask her out; period; no thinking.....
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Im making decisions on people based on nothing. I must go out with them and find out what happens. That might hurt; but it hurts having women like me and then I give them no response.
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First problem; what if they say no; What if Im wrong; what if they dont want to go out with me; I just think they do..... The point is; if I think they do; then ask them out and go out with them and then find out;
I will watch them and calculate if they are going to be safe...
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Im addicted to being safe because I will get hurt. The problem is; It matters not; because Ill never ask anyone out anyway. I just wont. So; Im addicted to caution
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I see myself going out with this intellectual girl; nice; introvert; never happen; Why? because its all based on thinking. What I need to do is a healthy does of real dating; all kinds of women; that means dating... dates..... more than dates; sex; dating, all of it. girlfriends. all of it first.
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I have to shut down the caution buttons and go for it. So; that is the goal. As I write this; more caution buttons come in from another side.
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I was imagining telling this last girl how I really felt; I was looking her in the eyes and face and pulling her off to the side and saying; " I know you were my soulmate; I was in love with you. You were my best friend; I know that" " I know you would not have hurt me. I know you would not have gone out on me. I know that"..... But when I say that; something horrible rises inside of me; swells up; its a part of me that is trapped; the raped child in me; and he closes the system down. So; I must keep it open so I can live again.
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Its hard and its simple. I have to say yes to women that want to date me... And I feel the fear and anger and the humiliation from the past. but this is not the past. this is now; and I have to learn the hard way or any way I can. IF I want to go out with someone; I ask them out and keep the thinking down; dont think; nothing.
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I create a complete scenario in my head of what will happen.
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Im not suggesting all of them are safe. I dont know. but I have to work to get to safe people and then ask them out. Something .

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CPTsd; Im starting to understand a need for a cure

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:06 am

Im starting to get it. I hang out at meetings with criminals; basically they are all criminals. One of the new girls who is just getting off drugs likes me... She is shady and beat up looking and not very pretty' 8 month ago. Some how after watching her innocence toward me; and I fall for it; I start to fall in love with her and accept her. However, Understand this. She smiles at me and says hi but I do nothing about it because Im still too sick; dissociative disorder. And I blame her for this? I seem to think at that moment she knows what she is doing. The fact is; if I wanted to go out with her; I had my chance at that time. But I never took it. IF I wanted to go out with her or felt it was safe enough I would have. I was waiting and waiting to see what happens; it never occurred to me she would go out with someone else secretly. but then I forgot or didnt want to understand that she was a criminal. why wouldn't she be dishonest and covert.
Please remember; Im not a criminal. I used drugs from the age of 12 to 17; mostly mild drugs; I was thrown away and had no family; nothing... By the time im 17 Im beginning to try harder drugs and end up in the hospital on an overdoes. The point is; im still a middle class kid experimenting with drugs.. mild criminality; mischief. Im trying to make a point... Im not a hardened jail recipient at DOC. This is important; very important to the story.

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Later after completely loosing it; im in my 20'es; I start to drink. And at the end of my 20's I have a drinking problem; I tried to kill myself because of the pTsd; I end up in the hospital; later I get out; Im introduced to recovery and the rest is history; Im in those meetings for 25 years... Im 57 and now finally getting better.
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So; 8 months ago; a young women is in the meetings and she likes me; she should; im an excellent speaker and not a criminal; must have looked nice... I originally am from a middle class background. Im an InTp introvert.
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Before I was put on social security;
when I drank I was almost homeless and then homeless for a year; not able to have relationships or work; DID/CPTSD/AVPD. I didnt drink while homeless; I had no money; and was already done with the idea.
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So; I ended up in allot of 12 step groups where I was safe from killing myself; I didnt drink anymore. Drinking was a problem because I had no other life... I was dying inside and drinking slowly picked up but not that bad. But just enough to throw it over the edge; So; technically I have a problem.
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In meetings I quality to be their; only because I have a desire not to use anything or drink. I never told anyone I was a criminal like many of the others; or a sociopath or narcissist. Because; thats who's in these meetings; the chemical based addiction meetings; or alcohol. Im probably the only person who ever went to those type of meetings who has never cheated on anyone ever in his life. I havent. Most of the people in those places did not believe me. Remember; im dealing with full criminals here.
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Ok; on with the story. So; Im an intellectual person; lonely; not able to interact very well with anyone; that is finally changing because of the work with C PTSD and success based thinking.
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So; this young women is getting recovery; and she likes me and I pray about it; and I started liking her after a few months. But I didn't say anything or do anything. As I felt better I wanted to approach her maybe; but not yet; but she never showed up enough; and I thought; if she liked me; why wasn't she here all the time to see me. And their it is; In fact; I could stop this story right there. Because their is the inconsistency to show something is not right here... its murky; So I just wrote her off. And later interacting with her will be murky. Remember; Im not a criminal and Im in a room with criminals and Im acting like everything is fine and everything is safe; and this is...

[ Continued ]

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Pure evil

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:09 pm

I remember the first girl I loved; I loved nothing; I loved God and the energy was flowing through me to have a girl I could love; I attracted a monster; I dont know why; I attracted a sociopath at age 14; I did; not strange; my first best friend was a kind of sociopath... he will turn into a monster later; he was from a rich family; I didnt really know him very well; or what I was getting into; pure evil; in the end he was not my friend; he was a stranger and I never knew it. He was a stranger because we had nothing in common within us; I had God; he and his family thought they were God; pure evil type; not good; stay away…
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The first girl I fell in love with was fake or false situation; false start; mistaken identity. She was pure evil but I did not know. In fact; red flags went off at first; looking back; I didnt care. She later said I meant nothing to her; God showed Me; that was Satan slamming the door behind me... She was a daughter of Satan and nothing more. In fact; I was not suppose to be their; it may have been God that got me out of their; I was crushed and destroyed. but why could I have not loved a nice girl and had a normal life. She may have been calling out to God/Jesus for help. Satan said to me; “ God I know, Jesus I know, The Holy Spirit i know, But you Omnicell; who are you?” And satan beat me to a pulp and through me out onto the street. And i walked away from that street; and I saw Satan; And satan told me that the girl was his and the street was his and everything that lived on it. And told me to stay away. I told Satan I wanted the girl; He told me she belonged to him. And then he told me its Because she wanted it that way and suddenly slammed the door in my face and all was gone.
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I went back to God…. broken; heart broken, disillusioned mortified and a retard. It seemed I was a retard when dealing with life. But God pointed something out to me. “ Omnicell; you came back to God; not satan. You always come back to me; said God”. “ Omnicell” “ The others; when they are broken; they go back to satan because Satan is their father… You always come back to me because you are innocent and I have always been your father… And you naturally always come back to me.
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I have to learn that i am as dumb as a stump and completely blind when i first pick the road im suppose to go down; Im completely lost; Im a small child hidden within the walls of imagination and when i attempt to pick the right road in real life; i am wrong. So; i need help picking the right road to go down…. If i turn and am on the right road; i will find the right friends and my wife; she will be waiting for me somewhere down the right road; and the right road is in the direction of God not Satan.
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Captain save a Devil girl has to park his ship. Captain save a Ho White Knight must put his cape up and retire….
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Lately I was groomed and distantly and mildly love bombed by a narcissist; I never saw it coming. But what she did next startled me. She began the process of grooming me through fake physical gestures of attraction; they were authentic; but not real. And im processing this acting job; it affected me; stunned me; but it was just an acting job; not real; and that is sickening; it scares me and scares my heart; all of this. its beyond sickening; its like dealing with a white spider slowly waking up; with its hands and arms silhouette to the background slowly moving around and waving and stretching; creepy.
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She loved bombed me... its all fake. I dont know why she took an interprets in me; I guess sport; I fell for it kind of; I saw red flags so I was cautious but I fell in love with her... I was over taken by the whole of the situation and fell for her. I was crushed by doing so. All of her mannerisms were fake; I thought they were real. Her love bombing was simply acting out for the moment; spontaneous pleasure seeking expressing. I thought s...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 35 times

changing my attitude about people

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Sep 08, 2020 12:27 am

I was asked about this girl today; we were talking about how hot she is and how all these guys like her. And how everyone is afraid to associate with her because she affects all the guys. Well; I was offended because she gave me attention the first time I saw her for months; she liked me for real. It wasn't until later other guys showed up and she started giving them attention or showing them she was wanted attention. I was horribly offended that she was no longer giving me attention because I thought I was her friend; someone special; I was not; so I pulled back. And I stayed pulled back.
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later she was still trying to get my attention but she was still giving other guys attention and didnt seem to care; so I continued to to ignore her...
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Then the universe opened up an opportunity. I wanted to go to the second phase dealing with women emotionally; im not sure who or what would show up; I ended up walking up to people and talking and then asked allot of people outside to talk to them; they didnt really understand what I was doing; but they went along with it. Finally I asked these girls out side on the steps; This one girl im writing about; I asked her out. I didnt want to ask her out but it was a great opportunity; so; I asked her outside and talked to her a few times; and some other girls. none of them were ever alone so it was awkward. I realized she shut me down at the end of one of my conversations; so I wrote her off; smiled thanked her and never really talked to her again. strangely enough I ended up on a camping trip; I was on the boat; she and her friends were on the boat; so it was more of her sitting by me and give the other guys attention; I shut down and did not want to be around any of them ever again.
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later I continued to ignore her... and I still ignore her... As ive seen her she has attempted to get more attention from other guys and start to give this one guy special attention. remember this was girl that was giving me attention once. Three strikes your out; I outed her the first few months. She is now dating this one guy. But as I sailed; three strikes your out; so I started writing goodbye letters about her and mock funerals where I say goodbye to her..... over n over n over... never to see her again.
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I dont have to be around creeps. I can ignore them; but I dont have to be friends with them or know them regardless; it sickens me. Some times these people dont understand; when you affend someone that relationship is over. They dont come back; they stay away until they have new relationships and your forgotten about.... im like that.
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So; saw this girl today and thought; I will never talk to her again. I continue to put up a wall until she no longer exists.... Not my monkeys not my circus. They just never get it. Does this bother this girl; I have no idea that she even notices or cares but one thing I know; she will slowly be leaving my mind the way she came in; she offended me from the start and it will be the last time. Ill move on and trust the universe and move on. And never talk to her ever again... I will have all new friends and not worry about it.

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