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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1033
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (915)
Archives
- June 2019
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
Visualizations
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm
Talents and development
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm
Money and women
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:19 pm
women and shame
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am
Music creating; blocked
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am
Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm
Things are changing
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am
Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am
Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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intimacy 3

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am

Intimacy; its the one thing I crave and don't have... I dont have it from the community; I dont belong to anything in the community.. Im a loner.
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Sex and intimacy
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Sex does not bring me intimacy; IT does not being any intimacy
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Sex does not bring that belonging Im looking for in the community; all it does is expose I dont have any belonging in the community and this stripes me of what possible fake status I might have dreamed up in my head. sex brings it right back to reality; what I dont have; a relationship or strong connections in the community; nothing.
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If I had my needs met; if I was part of a big family; sex would be different. I would not need so much
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What happens when I have sex; Im not able to be myself the first time I have sex with someone
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When the person leaves in the morning; I feel horrible inside; because I feel like Im being abandon. I feel like Im being used; being used by women and being used by society; but not really; I mean; not really used by women; because their in the same boat I am; so; I feel like its one loser having sex with another. And that does not sound very masculine does it. Its one more sign that I have no relationships in the world. Im alone.
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It makes me feel like I can get sex but not a girlfriend. Thats whats horrible; or horrifying! like I'm not good enough; and this proves it; I can get sex but not a girlfriend; Im not good enough to accepted into society. And part of me is happy about that but cant live with that; I mean; part of me is a small insecure child within that wants my mom and Dad.... So I can go back to my home and live my life over the way it was suppose to be led.... Where Im protected and someone wants me to be famous or happy or rich when Im older; Im protected and taken care of; loved and cherished the way Im suppose to be.
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Like Im not good enough for a family...
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It makes me feel like Im not good enough for society; and Im like; God; do I have to go through this again; I was already destroyed by society; taken advantage of by the people in society.
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I was taken advantage of by myself.
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What do I do now.
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Who am I having sex with; is she crazy
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Will she come back later and rob the place with her boy friends.
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Is she trying to get a baby..... that really scares me!!!

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She’s looking for a relationship; and Im looking for sex; she’s not the right person for a relationship; she’s not what Im looking for.
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Am I willing to go after what Im looking for. I kind of know what Im looking for; An Asian women with the kind of intelligence that I relate to; the style of conversation; the kind of intellectual artistic conversation; but also, telescopes and things; astronomy. Anthropology art, music, Geology, the beach....
I know Im good enough; but can I prove it; I can if Im present and honest with myself...
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Do I really believe I can have a decent women in my life.
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Do I believe I can have any one in my life; NO! and theirs the problem; My intimacy levels have been ripped apart. I feel like Im of worth to no one; no one cares about me; they don't even know me.
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Have I been around the right people; no; because in my mind I always see money; people with money; like; someone has moveable power; she has power to move to place to place that I don't; meaning, her money gives her freedom; a freedom I don't have.
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The problem is; I don't believe; Ive seen and been through to much; and then the people I attract are the wrong people with the wrong station in life.
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Its hard to talk about intimacy and admit it; but I have to if Im going to get better in this area and build my broken self esteem.
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So; Im working on being honest about it.
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Sex; what does it mean. its political. If I have sex and feel like Im not connected after that; its not about relationships romantically or sexually; its a feeling that Im not connected in the community; its political; I don't have ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 12 times

1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am

I hear many people talking about the 1970’s as if “ that was the period”; that was the time; the place to be; everything cool came out of 1970; No it didnt; It ######6 sucked. It sucked the big one; It was a waist of 10 years. the decade before it; now thats where the real world developed.
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It was 1966 and Star Trek was on Friday nights; and I was loving it; watch every Friday; I had it all picked out; my shows. I love it; I always wanted to be James T Kirk when I grew up. I wanted to be an Actor just like him and be on a movie set. And many other things I wanted to be...
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And then I was destroyed; around 1972. the era of the 60’s ended about 1972 1973- and then it went into disco dancing and all this other ridiculous clutter. The only good that came out of the 70’s was the reemergence of skateboarding; In, around 1975, bowl riding and new skate board types started showing up. Rich kids turned their parents pools into mini skate parks; I was invited a few times. We kids: would go all over looking for old reservoirs; concrete spillways that were empty or not in use; and skate them. For me it was all a horrible time; I was thrown away and living somewhere else with no parents. School was a complete non existence.... I was traumatized to the point of non ability in the school system; CPTSD would stop my ability to function; no one cared. This would continue into college.
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Back to the story;
Im watching Star Trek and many other shows and looking at what I want to be when I grow up. And then Im destroyed. As I wake up now; 50 years later; for the first time; I have the opportunity to participate in life again; but it will be hard; very hard; I must break through some CPTSD dissociative walls of steal; and this is going to hurt; lots of screaming and rage... And its an opportunity; like; we are the opportunity to send a man to mars; However, how hard will it be? ITs just an opportunity.
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The child in me; as he wakes up wonders; “ Hey, I can now become captain Kirk” And then suddenly the child in me ask me a question; “ what year did you say this is?”; to the shock and horror of my inner child; its 50 years later before I get to start my life.
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Better late then never?
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Schooling was completely destroyed, relationships never started, money never developed. Nothing; no talents developed; never used regardless of potential; and no skills developed on talents. And allot if not all of this has to do with neglect, and abandonment and shear CPTSD and dissociative disorder and the anxiety of ever getting close to that anxiety wall that stops me.
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I dont know how I should feel about this; happy or sad.....
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I believe I can accomplish the 2 goals I have set before me; they are simple but not so simple; and I must go one step at a time. I must humble myself and realize; Im simply trying to accomplish the goal. I must break through dissociative disorder; and that is an art form; but I have people working with me to be accountable 2. And its all business; not emotions; step by step to getting the job done; thats what Im learning these days. I have to start somewhere.
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Going back into reality is not fun; I had no preparation for reality when young; nothing. I was stripped of everything.
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So; being in reality is a place of poverty and nothingness but fear and anxiousness. However, today, I have the ability to write scripts about my new life; and this keeps me present and on top of things.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Jun 24, 2019 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

0 Comments Viewed 26 times

Coping with what has happened to me in this life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am

I can hardly believe what has happened to me in this life. Its hard to believe. Its hard to believe the horrible life Ive lived and all at the hands of psychopaths and their offspring.
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My life was ripped apart and ripped away from itself; Im lucky to be alive and lucky to be able to have any functioning; but not with out state help; without disability; impossible. I would have never ever thought this as a child; ever. and I have a hard time with it; accepting myself.
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Im mad about this; all of it. I suppose as I wake up; Ill get worse; Ill be extremely mad at my precious life being ripped away from me; stolen.
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My nervous system is ruined.. I had no protection when young; but looking back; I had nothing when young; I was thrown away and no one could care less if they ever saw me again. I was only kept around because of my father when young; but after he left; it was over for me; but I was not prepared for it nor did I understand this was going to happen to me; it just did; meaning; the psychopaths who did this did this; they have no fair warning; nothing. My father turns out to be a sociopathic rapist of young women; a liar and thief of sorts. But he masked it. But no madder; I was thrown away by the age of 9.
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I never would have thought any of this would happen. I had no idea or I would have been preparing when young.
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The problem was; I needed some place; any place to call home and some stability. but it was all fake; so I had no idea to prepare. It was all taken and no one cared after this point what happened to me. no one. I had brothers; they were complete strangers; later they would steal everything; all inheritance that I may of gotten; and are about to do this again. One is a sociopath. the other is some where in the middle of psycho trauma; but they were never friends of mine and didnt care either way.
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Im lucky to have any humanity left. but I had no idea my ability to make plans for my life would be ruined because I was ruined. But no one cared; I was dragged through a meat grinder; but no one cared. And they still don't; and don't care if they ever see me again; but then no one is really left anymore. I thought I had friends in the neighborhood I came from; not so; they were fake friends; they went with the neighborhood; they lost interested in me while I was still around; actually, they never had interest in me. I was being used. and then later; dumped. I just never knew and never knew this would happen. I was robbed of my dreams; robbed of my life. robbed of everything; it makes me mad that psychopaths have the right to be around children.
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No one cared about me; what an awful life; no relationships and no economics; nothing.
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Things are better now? I guess; different; Im old now; so things are strange; poor I guess; money wise.
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I never planned it this way; I had a chance at 14 years old; but it fell through; again; the psychopaths.
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I have a chance now; a kind of chance; but its strange. the people I associate with; everything. Strange. most are broken people in recovery; Im interested to finding more middle class people; but Im getting older and it all seems so strange.
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Im not married; never have been. Never had a real girlfriend; not one I liked and not one while I was able to feel. Nothing.

I feel Ive never been around the right women. Now; as I get older; I mean; I can get married I guess; but I was robbed of most of my married years or having a family; not that its not possible now; but still; no money.
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I was a brutally talented person; but no way could I function in the real world; all was lost. I was never able to develop. I look at other artist that are famous; Im more talents then lots of them.
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I had great plans; if no one interfered with my development; but they did. And I was severely destroyed.
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I was planning my life when Star Trek first came out in 1966. That was my time period;...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 12 times

Visualizations

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm

Im working with visualization; These are important. Proper or well developed visualizations are what builds a childs future; Same for me; as I bring back more visualizations of my future; the past visualizations are showing up; and this would be heaven to me; to feel like I did when I was a kid before I got thrown away.
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So; Im working on it; all the things I missed; I want those scenes in my head ready to be reproduced; and its going to happen I know it is.
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Im visualizing myself dating and its working; I can feel the energy opening; and I can see others things; and its the real me; now! Not someone from the past; but its the original blue print me; But in the beginning I thought I had to have the original players from my birth time; not so; but its a struggle to get where I am; safe ground; in order to proceed to use my mind in such a creative way; it takes years of work; for me; and it has. But its paying off; Im looking forward to better visualizations; more openness and less dissociation within my imagination and wanting more connectives in my imagination when Im visualizing my goals and desires.
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The goal right now is not having something show up in front of me; I know things can show up in front of me from my imagination; therefore, its a good idea to get this visualizations stuff down first; get that energy flowing. Get it figured out baby. all of it in detail; all of it. no gaming; have all those scenes figured and played as if they’ve already happened; rehearsing thousands of times in my head and feeling every detail.
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And all of this work is bringing a special part of my childhood back to me; thats what Im hoping; I mean; I can feel it and some memories are showing up; a protected part with hope; lots of hope here; however, I need that one first manifestation; whether it be a women or a car or money or pathway to performing my art; what ever it is; Im working on it; ; and I want it to happen. So, it must manifest in my imagination first.
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One main goal; as I remember; Im hit with the end of visualizing; meaning; my abandonment comes out I see it and real feel it; the cure for this is to switch to my future desires and see them instead.
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So; by switching thoughts to other thoughts I want for my future; I do this on the fly; and keep practicing it; the point is ; I start to control my thoughts and be able to switch them to what I want for my future; and if I keep creating this way; my who thinking process is a bumping creation on a daily basis; The key; the more I imagine; the more of it shows up in front of me.
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Acceptance; This is hard; I used drugs and alcohol in the past and other distractions to stop thinking and feeling; so I would not have to deal with the responsibility of changing my life; I didnt know how to change my life; now I do know some things and Im working on it. and its working; but it takes time.
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Im not sure where Im starting; I think its art; Im not sure where its going up; but what ever it is; Im feeling the anxiety of doing what I was dreaming of.

0 Comments Viewed 42 times

Talents and development

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm

Im undeveloped with all of my potential; its horrible not to have any development; but it was impossible. The only thing seeable is playing the piano; but its so corse and immature and undeveloped; Im almost scared to play around other people because its shows no skills of my abilities.
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I cant make a commitment to anything because Im so enraged about not having skills developed; Im so behind. So, undeveloped.
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Im scared to be labeled or tabled as someone with this specific occupation or interest. I hate it.
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I have allot of parts of my personality that keep me alive; but I dont want to just be alive.
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Talents; how bad do I want them; and where do I think their going; will they save me; Ive had this idea they would bring me success but I think I have to look at them as “ participating” in them will bring me success; and who wants to be exposed in this society; I dont.., I hate this society.
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So; where do I get started with my life; and what does it look like; what am I doing.
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ITs hard; thats the best way to describe it; its hard; all of this....
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Finding my way and my people in the outside world; thats what I want; I dont know if Im up to it; it scares me.

0 Comments Viewed 41 times

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