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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1058)
- June 2020
A sadistic view when dealing with women
   Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:43 pm
Women and dating
   Mon Jun 29, 2020 1:21 am
CPTSD and Dating
   Sun Jun 28, 2020 3:25 pm
Im not God; I have to do the foot work
   Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:35 pm
   Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:04 pm
Close to dating
   Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:53 pm

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A sadistic view when dealing with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:43 pm

Ive been told I have a sadistic view when dealing with women; meaning my mother was a psychopath and I learned that love was hate and hate was love; at a brutal horrible level; and Im twisted from it; I was just talking to a women friend of mine all about it; she called the whole situation sadistic; I would agree; Ive been told it several times.
Im attempting to work through my feelings about women and my past; so I can feel safe around women; I dont trust them. The goal is to date; feel safe enough to date; meaning having some control over what I want; and not the feelings of defending myself...
Im trying to work through these feelings; feelings of a sadistic nature concerning my upbringing; it was not an upbringing; more a torture show.
So; I have a sadistic view of women; a backwards view; I hate those that love me and I dont trust them at all and they have to prove themselves to me a thousand times or I want go near them again.
I can't tell who likes me and who doesn't. I dont know who is gaming me or telling me the truth. I cant tell who is 2 faced and who is real.
I do not trust women that they are honestly interested in me; I think they are interested in someone else while acting like their interested in me; but their actually completely interested in me; they always look off in some other direction to some other guy; glancing; and when that happens; I loose hope and interest...
So; I have to seek help at some level to turn this around and now how to tell who is safe and who is not.
When all of these feelings are worked out; I can bi pass the women that dont count and meet the ones of a more mature nature and go out with them; become friends with them... that kind of thing. ...
Im making in roads to art; Im shaking peoples hands that Ill do the art I promised to make to put on a wall somewhere; art gallery wall; we will see. This journey is unfolding.
This journey has been unfolding but has not started in the real friendship area; and this is where I have problems; imagining friendship with women; day to day stuff; seeing it in my head; visualizing it; this is the next area of work....

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Women and dating

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 29, 2020 1:21 am

IVe figured a few things out; but the problem with women are not figured out yet; its like a desert Ive not explored yet; maybe I dont want to know the answers; I dont know. Ive got more to open up about. possibly I need to be around people I feel safe with. The problem with women has been feeling safe around them and trusting them; trusting them and having women that respect me; if those 2 areas are not intact; forget it; I have no interest in them; nothing.
So; it could be; I need to find or attract the right kind of women I guess. Maybe Im not around the right women or Im afraid they will find out Im not the kind of man they want to be around because Im lazy and havent done anything with my life. Or; Im scared to be scared because Im to lazy for all of this or to lazy to let women in to see any of this in the first place. Not sure.
Ill work on this.
I have to go inward with women and meet new women and be on my feet in new social events... around new people and new women and many things to have a life back and go after things...

The key is to manifest what I want; I have to visualize; Ive gotten close. I mean; Ive visualized perfection; Perfection accept one thing; she had the right soul sensitivity; she had the right sounding values; she was reaching out to God and working in a church setting kind off... She was in a program learning about God.... She was trying to make changes in her life. She got as close to me physically as could be permitted under the situations; but a few problems arise. First, Im never really alone with her; Altho Im able to ask her out and to sit down with me and talk; and she flirts with me and is interested in me; she physically seems; Ive sat with her twice and talked. The next time I see her; she kind of writes me off as a fool; as if I have no value or status... She started doing this months earlier. She tried to get my attention before that; I could not respond because of my dissociative disorder.
Next; on the boat; she is very close to me physically; but I already have things against her; in other words; she seems 2 faced; but she does seem innocent in her body language as she tries to get physically close to me. But Im not buying it; forget it; The problem is; 4 other guys on the boat with another few women on the boat and I dont think I was the center of her attention; she was giving attention to other guys as well; and that is the most brutal of red flags for me; its over right then; and I mean; three strikes your out. I clammed up. I never did come out of it for the rest of the camping trip. latter at a meeting in a few days I see her again; this time I give her no attention nothing; zero; as if I had never met her.
And I dont think she cared. I remember her saying something about not being treated right; like others that were suppose to get close to her chose to stay away from her; but somehow; that wasn't about me; I wasn't even important enough to mention. Im trying to make a point. In my fantasies Im important to her; I think God has brought her to me; but way to many confusing red flags. So; I end up getting an experience that leads me closer to the center of my self; alignment...
The point is; Character; values; Something like that; the lack of character; being 2 faced; and before not taking me seriously as someone with status? I wanted to be someone with status; I guess Im not. But if she thinks that; why should I bother with her; is this really someone God is bringing me or is this my ego.....
As for manifesting a wife; Im getting extremely close to creating what I want; but one problem.
Ive manifested what they look like; their temperament; their religious background and their perceived value system or spirituality; This does not mean they have much of these values yet or spirituality. But I left something out;
What does a relationship look...

[ Continued ]

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CPTSD and Dating

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 28, 2020 3:25 pm

CPTSD and dating
Im a child in a mans body; but Im to scared to act like a child when around her. In fact; I hide it; but as I write about it; I should let that child out when Im around her; thats what I want to do; but Im scared; and Im scared Im going to be an angry child around her. Im going to be mean or lash out with anger; words or an attitude of abuse; but downs; when in reality; Im just protecting my fragile state. I want to love but I dont trust. How can I learn to trust.
How can I learn to trust; I take her on a date and flirt with her and practice; but something scares the hell out of me; that process of dating; going after the date; going to get what I want instead of being taken care of by my mother; I want to be loved by my mother; I dont want no date; I just want to be loved by my mother. I want to be taken care of and developed. I want to be developed. I want someone in my life to play with so I can be developed. I want to be developed.
Ill work with God on what I want; I want to wake up. My life was stolen from me when young; the decent level of development; it never happened; I did not get any; nor the opportunity to be around the right families and people and connections when young; now I would like that to change; Im not sure how; but Ill work with the universe for it to show up.
Ive been hurt when young; horrible maimed and scared. Im not thrilled about it; not happy about it. Not sure what to do about it; but Im starting to remember who I am or who I was. I have to keep working at it. Keep telling the universe what I want.
I would like to believe again I can be the person I always wanted to be without any interference from anyone. I was thrown away so many times; by people that were supposedly good people; I did nothing wrong... nothing. I was innocent; possibly thats why I got thrown away; I was at the wrong place at the wrong time; never accepted no matter where I went.
Now I must retrace my life and look at what I want; let go of the grief; work through it and learn with help of others to face fears and take this to the universe; keep working at things; dont give up.

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Im not God; I have to do the foot work

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:35 pm

So; I was on a boat with girls( women); and I was shy and withdrawn; and shutting down from being triggered from CPTSD. I stay shocked and shut down; I had a few friends show up and help; it was suggested to me to go with a smaller group of guys; wingmen. and stay with them; I had to ask for that.
As for the women on the boat; I was not the type; I was shy and withdrawn and not mature enough for it. Im an introvert. I got traumatized. Those people were much more advanced in that area. I just wanted a girlfriend; I did not want to dance over no over and waist my time with it. I just wanted to withdraw and get off the boat; because; I hadn't done the footwork; Im not God.
The big issue right now is; I hadn't done the foot work; Im not God.
I belong to allot of 12 step groups and spiritual groups; Im not alone; but that does not mean socially Im OK; Im separated from most; Im just learning how to apply some ideas out into the real world; and its scary and Im fearful. Im scared to death. I shut down.
Others are way advanced socially; able to take their shirts of and have fun. I am not; Im scared and bashful. And Im into recovery and not playing games.
if I want more; if I want more confidence and want to take my shirt off; I have to do the footwork to become what I want to become. I will be around chosen people; not the wrong people. Steady and reliable people is what Im interested in. Ill bow out of everyone else; Ill recede because I dont compete with them. Ill stay away from them.
I mentioned women on boats with bikines; im not ready for that; probably never will be; just doesn't work for me; I have no business being their. let the beautiful people play on those shores; Im introverted and trying to learn how to be an artist again. I have no business being in boats or beaches acting. I dont want to act; I have not earned the right to it because I did not do the foot work for it; God can do it; but I have to do the footwork.
So; Im a guy that has to prepare for doing footwork for what I want; not want others tell me I should want to look good in front of them. So; Im receding; and those Im getting away from dont seem to mind if they never see me again; and I never knew this about them; I was stupid to trust them... So; Im learning to trust God. Im very confused tho...
I have to stick to one or the other. Meaning; I have a higher power; and I have to learn to trust that higher power. I have to learn to work with that higher power and do what Im suppose to do with that higher power and stay away from what my higher power is not suggesting; its about obedience......
I mentioned about women because thats a big deal with me; no work has been done in the real world; so thats where Im heading; but Im not a worker yet; and thats my direction; doing the footwork because Im not God.
Ok; I've talked about inadequacies with women; But its not about dealing with women; I have the same problems doing art work...
Art work;
I would like to buy a digitizer for my computer; a digital tablet for art; an expensive one because if I have it Ill be a better artist and what ever Im in denial about will go away. ultimately Im scared; scared to take action; resentments and fear and pain.. and sadistic abuse is waiting for me... thats how it feels; grief; Ill feel grief of loss....
The point is; the same problems I have with women; the shyness is the same shyness with doing art work. Same problem exposing myself and getting started.
Train sets;
I have the same problems with train sets I have with art and women; the answer to what Im looking for is over my head. I live in a small apartment and I dont know where to put a train set; the reality is; its to big; I could get a smaller train but that might not be fun. Or I could try a smaller train; but Im not willing and angry that I dont get what I want the way I want...

[ Continued ]

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:04 pm


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