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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1753)
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- March 2024
Starting to show First Signs of breaking away from individuals o
   Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:55 am
Seeing green when its Red...
   Tue Mar 19, 2024 3:49 am
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

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Starting to show First Signs of breaking away from individuals o

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 19, 2024 5:55 am

Starting to show First Signs of breaking away from individuals of the past.
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This needed to be written and put into a blog.
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Finally concerning those I want relationships so badly from when young; Those worthless creeps I tried to get love and kindness from. Finally; My God; with Gods help; Finally its happening; Im showing authentic signs and of breaking away…
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In many cases concerning those from the past I wanted relationships with; Many of them; I ended up at their homes and all things played out in their homes. The problem was; I was escaping the home I came from; But the only escape I had was these new people and their homes. I was using them as a hospital for my problems my need of a family and hope and love. I wanted them to love me and help me.. And help me grow up and to be taken care of.
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Unfortunately; The reason their doors were open was not because they were loving and giving; Their doors were open to entrap broken people like myself.. They were 10% human if that… More sycophant then anything else; horrid examples of the human experience. Disgusting people; These are people that hated me; had no feeling for me; used me; tricked me; lied to me pathologically. They were not my friends; never wanted to be my friends. IT was fun n games for them to lead me around in circles.
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I did not understand; I was just looking for help and I become completely dependent on them.
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Finally; with Gods help after all these years and allot of work. Im finally saw myself in other places with them other then their home. Im looking back at my memories and Im seeing them in the schools I attended; I walked the halls with some of them; And a few hours ago; a thought came to me. If they were such disgusting people who had no value for me. I thought; why am I walking with them; what would it take to get away from them at that time, at that moment in the school system; And it came to me. Id start drawing footsteps walking away from them and getting real help for my problems.
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Suddenly it came to me. I Was around these people because I had real problems and needed real help and I went to them. They could not help me and they didn’t care either way. Finally, Im now seeing myself break away from these sociopaths; walking away; walking into the offices of those that can help me; or could have helped me.
Im taking responsibility back for my own life and my own good and my own preservation. Why would I need these other flake weirdo's who cared nothing for me. Why would I need to hang around them when Im learning or have learned and practiced in my imagination to walk away from them and get the help I need; the help I thought those flakes were going to help me with.
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I saw myself take responsibility and just walk away from these scumbags and walk strait into the worlds of those who could help me with no regrets from never seeing those weirdo’s I put my worth into… I can say goodbye to them for good. But not yet.
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I still need more answers. Gods got to rescue me from their homes; all the time I spent at their homes; I have no escape from those places. No place to run to… I need or want a place to go get help; where I don’t need to be at their homes.
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Just now; I saw myself get a ride in a car from their house to a down Town agency dealing with help for mental health issues. Saw this in my imagination.
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Again; Im beginning to see myself take action and accountability for my problems and take responsible action to walk away from those scumbags who've had such power over my life for such a long time.
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What ever I thought I needed from them. I can now see I can go get help and get all that I need from places that offer help. I get the help because not only am I worth it; but I bi pass the people in houses up the street and go strait into the city and take responsibility for getting real help for my problems… Never having to remember those idiot degenerates eve...

[ Continued ]

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Seeing green when its Red...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 19, 2024 3:49 am

SEEING GREEN WHEN ITS RED…
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Green means go Red means Stop…
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Its a mental health problem; Its very schizophrenic.
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So; in this life in many situations in my life; Ive seen Green when the light was red. And when I saw the light as green; when it was really read; I moved forward across the cross walk. Unfortunately for me; Thus; I would find myself in a sinking Titanic Nightmare… I pile up of debris and death and misery. I would see my life destroyed in many ways… And I would never take credit or responsibility for it.
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Unfortunately; altho destroyed; I brought it on myself. And in this life Ill be hitting major problems because of the seriousness of the crash-ups Ive had.
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In relationships; I would not see or accept the rules; the reality of the relationships. I would end up around people who where never attracted to me or knew me. That is not there fault; its mine. It really is; I need to find that stuff out first. I need to be around safe people first. Thats not someone elses problems. I have to take ownership for this stuff: I have to learn how. Work with a higher power.
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NOTE; I would end up around people who thought they were way way better then me; and then play me to death for even thinking I could even associate with them; they wanted to punish me for such things.. I had no idea what was going on… I did but I didn’t care. It was like I allowed them to take me away like I was on a carnival ride. They did; but they purposely cut the track on the roller-coaster and I never knew it; they kept it hidden and continued to gain my trust. I had no idea what was going on.
My point is; I needed to know what was going on. Im blaming them; Im now blaming myself and wondering how im going to take responsibility for these things… God please help me so I can learn to take responsibility for myself and my own actions…
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I see a Green Light When its Red.. And this causes many many problems.
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Today Im trying to take accountability for this. Im trying to say my actions belong to me; they came from my body; Ive got to look out for my body and what it does. I have to take responsibility for my behavior and choices.
Most of the problems Im talking about; problems Ive gotten into; the problem was; I could not back up the checks I was writing in life. I was making big mistakes and big promises. And I was acting like I was someone else. I would get found out and laughed at and then let off or dumped. I was never telling the truth. I wasnt saying anything. I didn’t want to get rejected.
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NOTE; Looking back; What kind of people did I associate with? They don’t sound like very good people.
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So; there is it; I made my choice; never said anything; lied or said nothing; in a sense leading others on while they led me into a ditch. But they were leading me on as well; but in their case; they morally and legally could because they never came to me.
I never asked anyone if they liked me or didn’t or if they were attracted to me; Nothing.
And thank God because they would have lied just to lead me on.
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The big question is; why am I hanging out with people like that? For what reason.. And their it is… really. There it is; and its this I have to look at.
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Ive felt like I was nothing as is; Ive had a horrible time accepting the innocent me as is. Its like its just not enough or good enough. Im now having to learn how to shake it off; the fake parts of me that take over; just try to be myself as is… And accept Ill have to work at things to be something; And I wont be doing it as good as others; Ill be doing it at best average and thats it; and it has to be good enough; And Ill tell you; it hasnt been in the past.
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Ive not been able to accept myself as an average person average worker. Or maybe even less then average in smarts and work ability; Im slow; And Ive never been able to accept myself. Im trying right now. Maybe in the real world I have ...

[ Continued ]

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A gift from God #2

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm

Next move forward…
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So; Im showing signs of accepting that the past is gone; That I was in the wrong; I self invited myself into the lives of many people who where never asking for my presence. These people did not know me; never asked to meet me; had no clue I existed; were not reaching out to the universe to meeting me; As for as I know; After dealing with them; I doubt it.
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I simply walked into the arena of other peoples lives and made up a narrative as I went along; I was delusional and mentally ill and many other things. Of course; the innocence of my age is part of this.
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On there side; they played it into the ground; They knew what I was doing but had no conscious about letting it develop. I was trying to create friendships with them; They were not interested in me or my friendships with them. For the women involved; no attraction; in fact; I imagine its more repulsion. As for the guys; I thought I was bonding with them as a best friend getting closer then a brother; Nothing could be further from the truth. No one there was interested in being my friend; they thought I was scum trash and they were way way superior from the start. They only allowed me around them for very contrived reasons I knew nothing about. Mainly their parents wanted another guy around them so they would not grow up alone; The parents wanted their kids socialized and because I lived in the area; I was a good bet to use. And USED I was; and fooled and that was all. I had no idea they were being nice to me and playing me as long as I hung around their kid. But as soon as I hit a certain age; meaning their kid hit a certain age; they were no longer interested in having their kid around someone to be socialized; suddenly everything kind of changed and started to get worse for me. It kind of creep’d in on all sides; what they really thought of me. It wont be until Im later in high school age that things will start to unravel. I wont find out that these people were never friends of mine.
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Anyway.
I have enough information on all of this to see the truth. Their was no one interested in me or my friendship; No one attracted to me or interested any romantic relationships ( The young women); And these young women were never interested in any kind of friendship or any type of relationships or situation -ship or introduction-ship. I meant nothing to them the first time they saw me until the last time they saw me.
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Heres the deal; No one ever came to me to start an association. I was simply a stranger that showed up at their door step many times for various reasons but never by their invitation.
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“ You win some; you lose some”.
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They had no attraction for me at any level ever.. So; I really had no right being around them. I mean; They never came around me. Someone else always got me to them; to their house; to their lives. Im not sure they ever did anything other then act cordial with basic hospitality. I may have miss read everything. Because looking back; no one ever made any gestures of interest toward me for any reason. I would show up at someones house; The people in the house were nice; they are pleasant; I was a guest. They might offer me a coke. And that was that. I was never more then a guest for very short increments. And that's all. Looking back; they were cordial when I was a guest and so not much to say accept thats as far as anything really existed. I was extremely mentally ill and dissociated from reality and really created a bunch of stuff in my head about strangers that never happened and never existed..
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So.
WHERE AM I AT NOW.
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Well; Im showing real progress and enthusiasms of moving forward. However; Altho Im basically over the past on things; It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the loss of not ever having a real past as I move forward.
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I can feel the grief of never really having a younger life; it was snuffed out by the time I was in 5th grade a...

[ Continued ]

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The Gift from God…

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm

Stabilization; Going to my Home again…
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When I was very young and lived in a neighborhood; I had a certain kind of life built up; it was basically private; I kept it to myself; Somewhere between 4 ½ to 9 years old.. I would have continued if I not been thrown away…
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Think of a Christmas show; How a child feels when their watching a Christmas show…
That feeling of fantasy… or being; or being in that moment.. How that feels…
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The few years I had as a small child; I built a network for myself… A little one; out in the neighborhood I lived in… I loved my life for a few years when young.
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After brutal amount of years of recovery work of all sorts. I woke up this morning and felt it. It felt the same way for me.. I felt I could return to that neighborhood and probably walk around and feel the same way… And that is what Ive been working for all this time; to come back to myself before others got in the way and tried to separate myself from myself and God…
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I felt it when I woke up; It was authentic; and In my imagination I could see myself as that little kid; me being myself again. No blocks… Nothing… As if I had come back to myself. Considering the amount of work guidance and instruction from the recovery process; I earned it. Its real. I got what I earned. And Ive been working with the universe God Jesus On this for a long time…
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Its a gift for following Jesus… Its a gift for trusting God. Its a gift for turning to the Universe for help. This is how the Universe gives gifts. The Universe gives me myself back from when I was very young.
Now that Im back to this point; What ever that means; I wont ever go backward. No one can take it from me. I earned it on a giant traversing trail thrust in the middle of a journey from where I was at to back under Gods care; Gods Pathway…
I was told by God to let go of all things and I shall enter beneath Gods care again; as I was when I was a boy; I said yes; I will try. And with Gods help; it has happened. Everything is gone… The only thing that remains is my relationship with God and my full bright beginning life as a child before the dark horrors came…
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So; Under God; I am able to enter Gods city again; the city of the inner child… Im centered back now…
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What does this mean. I don’t know yet! Its like saying; Im able to feel like Im me again in my old neighborhood; I have my sense back like I did in my old neighborhood. Im back. I can imagine Im walking around in my old neighborhood; but what does it mean. And it means Im myself again restored feeling wize. Ive still got my pych problems; but the other side of me; the emotional side.. The side where I own me; where Im me again; innocent under God… Me again; feeling safe to remember my dreams. Not there yet… However, getting their…
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What does the future hold. Ive been working for many things for a years and years and this was one of them. To be able to imagine I walk my old neighborhood and Im me again while walking the neighborhood. Like Im back with an old friend on to sides; Im my old friend and my neighborhood is my old friend. Getting myself back again…
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Where do I go from here.
First; Pray meditation. Start writing goals I always wanted to accomplish when I was a boy..
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GOD Pathway….
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I guess; experience on a daily basis what this all means and go with it; start living again like when I was young?? What does that mean; I will let the spirit of God lead me.
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Amen
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2 goals; elements of accomplishment

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm

2 goals accomplished;
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A. Getting over First Love
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B. Taking back ownership of my Art creating interests… This includes; writing, Art, music….
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This has been accomplished…
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Where do I go from here;
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God Pathway;
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