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- June 2019
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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An interest in the arts

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am

ITs coming back to me; the natural path of sensitivity. The path of art; musical drama, acting, theater, stage, drumming, music composition.
The problem I have; that sensitivity is for school as well; but that was destroyed; so; will that come back as well; we will see. I dont know.
Studying; will that come back; memorization; will that come back. we will see.
Im still trapped in my own world with dissociative disorder; so; Im not sure about things. I know a wall exists up in front of me. I know that.
Back to art and keeping things at the level of art in my blog; ITs the real me; the sensitive me; and it never had a chance to develop; but I got to watch it on TV. but not much else for most of my life. I felt comfortable watching movies when I was a kid; I related with the other kids in the movies; good movies; art movies. I felt good.
So; I saw what I wanted to be like from the movies. thats not what happened in real life for me; it could have been if I was around decent people; and this is not easy to bring up because it starts bringing up horror.
I can feel it; the dichotomy between what I wanted to happen and what did happen.
I would like my world to turn out the way I want it; not the way it actually turned out when young. What can I do about that; thats what I need to write about.
Art work is extremely isolating if I have no family to go with it; the way it could work; Im with loving family or feel connected and loved in the world; all is well in the world; then I do art; that way; Im alone at times experiencing art; and Im feeling the solitude; and still loved and connected. Its the love that I never had; and I have to write about wanting it in my life.
I equate love with sadism; people who abused me; I see bad people that hurt me when I think of love because thats all their were; their was no one else; the only person that loved me; looked like it would be my father; but that was fake; he was a sociopath; it was convenient situation for him to relive his childhood and he did it off of someone else money; he had his fun and that was all; then split and never looked back; leaving me abandon. So; that is not a person that ever loved me; that is fake; that is a person that used me; exploited me is a better term. So; knowing that; now what do I do. In the past; I would watch movies to escape. I would live in movies and tv shows; no one cared about me; its that simple. nothing. later I would find out why? had nothing to do with me. nothing; the biggest problem I had was escape. I tried many different things at the time; but it was from a childs point of view and did not matter; I could not escape the adults; the only escape would have been economic; and that was way over my head; all of it. IT still is.
Back to art; Im seeing that I was keep my art interests alive when young; kind of. In fact; it was all I had. I had little else; school did not exist for me because no one cared; I was truly alone.
So; I have allot to work thought; and to accept myself for who I really am; the art person of sensitivity. thats who I am; that person was almost killed in this life for being sensitive; I cant explain it any other way because the environment would not allow me to be myself; nothing. I was a throw away and it was never safe being myself.
Im not sure it much different out their.
One nice thing would be; decide that I like art and get into it; and start doing it; I was mad before because I didnt understand how to make money; I still dont.
I would rather be an artist; and see what happens. Im scared; its a lonely venture being myself. So; we will see.
And i think that talking about being an artist is part of this problem; actually being one. It scares me; yet; Ive been scared out of being myself. accepting the money problems or financial problems and that Im on my own and its OK; I mean;...

[ Continued ]

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm

So; social is upon me; what does that mean; it means; moving up the ladder; thats what it means; from passive aggressive back to middle classism. How will I do this; A Gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be; So; I script a new past to start with; doesn’t have to be perfect; just do it as much as possible; once everyday; as much as I can stand it; re writing my history to a better set of memories; created memories. Im ready for that Freddy.
Writing in the Gap; Im writing a script of meeting new people at a new level’ this will hurt; lots of pain their; However, Im going just beyond what my rebellion can stand; in fact; as I write this blog; I can see more pin pointed memories appearing from my past that are like thorns in my side; so they are coming up and hopefully out; I will have to get them out; their circling up toward the top of my mind and surfacing and want out; and I will let them out; its scares me tho; to let go of them; then Ill have to face whats underneath; and I think whats underneath is the loss of my earlier life.
So; Things are coming up; thats good; possibly getting a better handle on my here now life.
I believe scripting will work and help a great deal; also, Im writing stories of my new life in many different areas; and this is forcing the universe to help me change and be prepared for a more advanced life in many areas.
With abuse; the memories I have are of being 12 years old; and then on to 13; that I don't remember much of yet. it was a horrible situation. bad; bulling all the time and traumatized to the point of not functioning and I want to feel all of that and the tremendous feelings of sorrow. I had to go silent; in fact; I had always been silent; never telling anyone anything; and then Im thrown away; so; now; I have to learn how to open up about things in safe places and no place else.
I would like to get to safe places; these are places of value and sophistication that are up the scale a bit; places I can dump my stuff and my feelings with better quality people.
The real me wants to come back to life and feel again; and its happening; Im crippled; and weak mentally emotionally; its a big deal. Im not all home; but Im home enough to be close; I mean; Im getting closer; what has to happen; I have to come up to speed to become myself; this means; My frequency is very low below the water line; one might say; you get the point! I have to get that low self; separated self; back up; and that happens from scripting and writing new stories about my life and writing to the next gap socially; writing stories about social events and personal conversations as if its all ready happened; over n over n over until its a smooth walk from the outside world into my imagination and out; very comfortable. The goal is; a transition from the low point socially back to the college person I am; back up the ladder; its closer now; and can happen if I keep it up; one area that bugs me much is money; That freaks me out; not having the money to go with the college personality; So; Ill have to go with it and work with the universe; Im not into humiliation; so i don't know what to do. Ill have to keep working with the universe. Possibly, Im doing allot of doomsday thinking and really dont know the outcome of situations. I must remember this and take chances anyway.
Abuse; I know Im going to walk through the mess that caused all this dysfunction; ill have to walk through those years; whats on my mind?, especially, those sexual abuse years and throw away years; where I was thrown asunder for ever; Ill have to re experience those years and deal with them; not looking forward to it; dont know that I can handle that.
Theirs been a problem because of the thoughts I have of middle classism; it comes from my years of 5 to 9 years old; and the people I hung out with; I rejected all of those experiences because those people wer...

[ Continued ]

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intimacy 2

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm

Laws of attraction; Asian soulmate; Ive been conjuring up Asian soulmates for a long time; putting out that magic spell. Putting it out to the universe.
So; Ive had numerous Asian women show up around me; but they are either the wrong ones; or im not attracted to them; or their with a kid and Im not attached to them; or their with their white boyfriends and walking by; up close; close enough to touch; Their getting near; but thats it; However, at times; clerks show up; I show up; we talk; their Asian women; so; Im getting contact; its close but not intimate; but it goes no further; and interestingly enough; it seems that my self esteem and self worth and emotional age; or because of it; these women are acting according to my age to manifest; What is an 8 year old going to do with a grown women; she’s going to be my mother; and its the 8 year old in me that is manifesting, Im at many ages; Im like a 12 year old who needs a mom; and Im attracting a mom to me because Im somewhere between 6-8-12-13. I dont see these women as girlfriends; The adult teenager in me sees them as girlfriends; but the rest of me sees them as a mom. Im not a teenager; Im much much older now; Im an old man now; but still working at it.
Ive been stuck in the 7th grade for most of my life; Im attempting to face it and work through it; so; its also a 13 year old that is stuck and cant move; in fact; no development at that age; possibly time to re write that age period; make it out to be something glorious.
Im trying to grow again; so I want a girlfriend that will help me grow instead of believing I can have an actual soulmate at my level; I have a hard time believing that; or that Im worth that; or that Im going to get a nice person that is nice to me; thats a hard one; Im trying to face; in the past with no protection. I got allot of mean sociopaths in my face when I was a nice person; no protection; nothing. So; to expect something positive now; its very hard deal; and maybe I should write about this more; work on it; clean it up.
The above is something I wrote on my other pages; a manifestation blog page from somewhere yonder. So; many things going through my head; first; I was bullied at the age of 13; so, theirs not going to be any movement; nothing. I was in a state of panic and shock when I was in school; it was more like a detention center were young sociopaths could run free and beat up and destroy anyone they felt like; thats what junior high is; and high school when you have no one to protect you. So; I have all that to deal with.
I was basically psychologically castrated when young; competlely demoralized; nothing left; So; I feel like a loser around women; like I dont fit into any social situation. I could get to a higher level people; but I feel like a loser their as well; infact; I feel like a loser around all people; most of them because they have no depth; so; I stay away from them; but then; I dont have any money; so; its like being on the streets; its all demoralization; I feel ugly around women; like I dont match up; regardless of what women think of me; it doesn’t matter; Im always waiting for the ball to drop.
Im a little better now; The problem is experience; I have no experience at the appropriate age with women; nothing.
the last person I actually loved was at age 14 and thats it. I never wanted anyone else; why! why bother with more nonsense; the red pill was forced down my throat at that age. I woke up to what women are really like. So; its been hard.
Anyway; Im attracting Asian women as Ive imagined them; but thats all that happening; no one is close and non appear available.
Imagine your at the fair or a giant indoor event; you wonder around and realize many Asian women are walking by; not normally this amount; in fact; never do I see them; and suddenly after imagining it; they show up everywhere; the problem is; I dont know any of them; Im ...

[ Continued ]

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am

I cant even watch porn and get off because of intimacy problems. This could be a good sign; I don't know; it could mean Im coming back to intimacy with people; I don't know. but I can feel it; Ive seen and been involved with to many up close bad things and bad people and betrayals.
Im socially getting stronger; Am I getting stronger with the right people? No! However, these are the people the universe is bringing me to work with. Can they be trusted; well; only to a point. But its working; every time I see someone at the store; and they walk by; I now say hi and reach out my hand and shake their hands; I don't need to pull away from them in complete fear. Does this mean their on my side? no! Their only on my side according to their mentality and nothing more. Meaning, they are not really the people I want to associate with; they still make me nervous; but these are people Im practicing on. I humble myself to get the practice and not be alone; cant say it any better; is it working; yes; it is working; Im getting stronger.
When I was very young; I was fooled into believing I was safe or had a safe shot at my life; I was wrong. But I did not know I was wrong; I had no idea; I thought it was safe enough to survive and thrive; but I was fooled; because the filth I was with destroyed children; they were never safe and allowed me to be destroyed; their was no one looking after me. They allowed me to think I was safe; in reality; I was completely neglected but did not know it; in fact; in some cases; I thought I was free; and is this not a normal condition of the used when to young to understand; I felt privileged; In reality; I was simply being thrown away. ITs all very horrible and sad; its beyond sad; a place of horror is beyond sad; like what happens to children; what really happened to them in a time of war; where all things are destroyed from their little life; including their lives; snuffed out; blown into pieces.
Unfortunately, I learned a horrible horrible lesson; because I was a throw away; I reached out to the wrong people; in this case; the rich kids down the street; but I didn't know they were rich; they had a nice house; but I didn't know what that meant. What does it mean when your with rich kids who live down the street? IT means I was never invited but didn't know; I was used; nothing more; I was allowed to hang out or around them; but they were never my friends; they were liars and con artists; but I didn't know. They knew; up scale lies and manipulators. They worshiped a God; their God was to look good to themselves and others in the community; nothing more; I was treated like a zoo animal; but no one told me. “RUN”; thats what I should have done; I had no place to go. My life was pulled out from underneath me; I was being used from every direction. These people took advantage of a small child because thats the kind of thugs they were; no better then any other kind of thug; worthless and dangerous; cowards; hiding behind Christian jargon and a slew of Christian music and Gospel recordings; it was the riches attempt at a better life; what I didn't know; I was not invited; I was never invited; but the door was open; and I went through unsuspecting of anything; what I didn't know; I was being trapped and used; exploited because of my age. I thought they liked me; but in reality; I was being used to socialize their son. Its a kind of relational aggression.
Ill pull the words out; the phrase; “ I thought they liked me”; and their it is; pure character; the purest character of a child; “ I thought they liked me”; that is as innocent as a thing can be; pure truth; pure innocence, pure honesty; purity at its finest; the only reason a child is around someone; “ I thought they liked me” thats why I was around them; nothing more. Do you feel it; the purity of such things.
The worthless are like Dogs, the...

[ Continued ]

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Identity overwhelmed

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am

Ill make a list of all the bullying; the key is; can I stay alive; or stay present from all that Ive been through; My identity was destroyed completely; this is not what I expected in this life.
The problem was; I started out with a false middle class lie; or fabrication; 2 psychopaths creating a false front; I was 2 young to know what they were doing or had planned; the 2 older brothers; they were complete strangers; they knew; they had all ready been destroyed and feared out of life by it; so traumatized they could not function in the school systems at only a minimal level. They were ruined. But I didn't know when young; not until the age of about 9.
Because I was neglected; for a few years; I was left alone; and in that time I dreamed; dreamed of many things;I dreamed from having a relationship with the television set; the sitcoms and shows and movies of how I wanted to grow up when I got older.
What I didnt know; I was in 2 different worlds; the tv world allowed me to believe I had choices and freedom; and when I grew up; I could have anything I wanted; build any kind of life I wanted; but I had to start to process when young; I didnt know I was not going to bed allowed to do this.
I remember the bulling in school starting in the first grade at minor levels. Miner miner levels.
I made a horrible mistake in the first grade; I made it because I was not being taken care of; If I had been taken care of in a family; I would not had to have reached out to strangers for friendships at such an early age; I made a grave mistake and reached out to the wrong people; but I did not know they were not my people; they were my enemies; but did not know; for I was truly alone from the beginning of my life. I did not know I did not relate to the other students in the class. For I was a foster kid and didnt know it.
I reached out, out of desperation because I had no love coming in; and I was already depersonalized. Looking back at my beginning memories now; I see me trying to run and hide or escape from everything; that is all I was doing; looking for relief; finding a way to be independent away from everyone else; whether it be a closet to hide in or spend my time in, or the corner of a fence yard; or being locked in my own mind as one of the psychopaths was ridiculing me..... Or later; the TV set; thats where I hid. .
And I tried to hide in art; I loved art. And later drums. I wanted to hide in school work and be a strait A student; never happened; I was not allowed; altho I was brilliant.
I wanted to hide in school’ homework; that never happened; the opposite happened unfortunately; at first I thought I had a chance; but I didn't; I started getting bullied at some point; and neglected out of grade school. I was lost going nowhere; I did not know why; no one told me why?
I spent my time alone playing at the house I was staying at; or the neighbors; I would have never associate with the neighborhood or neighbors if I had any other choice; I did not; I got used them; their parents; the kids I was playing with; their parents recognized that I was showing up at a regular basis... And they knew; they knew what I did not know; I was a throw away; and they took advantage of it; The most important sorrow; they were using me as if I was free game; why? because they thought they were better then me; that I was white trash and usable and disposable; and the word “ disposable” is the best word I can come up with. Thats the best word; of how they viewed me; I did not view me this way; they did. and they used me with no human regard; to them; they were getting away with using the poor; stripping them of their consciousness... Later, sadly, I would find out the horrible stunning truth...
When you find out whats happening to you; its like your a character in a zombie movie and the whole world is out to get you; and you will not survive and have ...

[ Continued ]

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