OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Apr 26, 2025 12:53 am

NOTE; Prologue;
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PTSD WHEN WILL YOU SET ME FREE.
SO much shame. I have to stop and work on that shame; and even tho I feel all that shame; I have to learn to talk to people anyway; and I mean it. PTSD causes such problems; I don’t feel worth anything to anyone. I cant blame others for not wanting me or liking me. I don’t blame them to see me as disease to stay away from… My parents didn’t want me…
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So; I have to work over it anyway and meet people anyway…
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So; I have to work through all of this…
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I was on my bike; And 2 regular adults were in their yards of a very nice big tudor house. I could have gone on the sidewalk by them and just said hi; but I felt to embarrassed because of having nothing. I felt so shameful; like I didn’t fit in or wasn't good enough. Like I was a disease or had one.
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Ive always thought it laughable that girls would like me; theyd never like me once they knew what I was like. Theyd just laugh at me and my situation and walk away.. Theyd take no interest in a poor guy. Where I didn’t fit in. where I wasnt good enough.
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So; something is changing. Im wanting something different enough to fight for it. Im worth more then this. And I want to live. I want to learn to fight for it; not be drown in shame and sorrow and indifference because of my poverty. Where my mind is stuck.
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I don’t just want to get better; I have to participate in it. And that is where Im having problems from dissociation; its to strong to avoid. And I get totally confused on what to do. What the solution is.
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Im dissociating bad while writing this.
So; I can feel some changes tho; to face things I couldn’t before. I can see it; I have to take it to God and work with God to get over it… And feel good about myself even if I think others don’t or don’t care. I have to work on liking myself because I like it and want it and stand up for it. Man o man its so hard. With this condition.
Still; Im never doing anything with my life; or anything I like to do; I would like that to change. And I would have to trust God with all of this and let God use his eyes to see…
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However; I have generalized goals; Wife Family Children, House, drum room; car, car insurance,. Money. So; I have practical goals I can head toward and work toward. And see results. The Fear; the Terror, The no self esteem. Feeling like I don’t have a chance; feeling like a loser. Feeling no good; feeling horrible shame. No one would want me. Im considered a loser in society. So; its like being in a rock and a hard place.
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SO; I avoided those people standing in their lawns because I felt like someone on the outside; not good enough; I felt shame; not good enough to even be present because I couldn’t complete with these people. I had nothing to feel good about; I just felt shame; I felt like a prisoner in my own country. I don’t feel like Im part of their world; those people. I felt like “ Why Bother” Just give up and go away… No one cares anyway… Whats the point; I cant face this; any of this poverty and the shame created by it…
I feel No good; but I can believe I can accept myself and learn to like myself. I feel like I have no strength; Im a weakling; Not very strong; I cant finish anything. I cant do anything other then ride a bike while my life disappears from underneath me. And I feel like a loser who cant complete. Someone who should feel shame…
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However; I want to feel good about myself and nto be controlled by people like this; and work through this stuff…
I feel trapped; No good. No good around others. Nothing; loser; worthless; no good. No one likes me; no one wants me; nothing! And other things; less then; humiliated.
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Where do I start…
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And Im going to work with God to change this; It hurts so much; but I think if I can face something anyway; and just keep working toward it; I think socially I can see it; and work with G...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Apr 17, 2025 2:41 am

Strange changes occurring
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Strange changes occurring;
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When I was very young; 0-8 years old. I had some forms of stability; I had a father at home; but didn’t know him really. But he was there; and kept my mother inline; So she could not destroy us… Myself and my brothers…
I had some forms of safety and stability; at-least from ages 5-8… I had an independent experience; I took off out in the neighborhood and made friends and spent my time at others homes and doing things at school and was looking forward to doing new things in school.
I had routine…
I had my own private world… I had my own private life when I was a kid. My own friends; my own way of doing things; my own thoughts and goals. And a whole lot of things…
And later; all of this would be gone.
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NOTE; This occurred for one strange balancing act between my mother and father; They were both focused on destroyed or fooling each other or faking each other out. Or the balance of control of who was in control between both; in a strange way; I was left completely alone. I had nothing to do with their lives; But I still got to live in a house and eat their food. In the very quite process I developed; developed a whole magical world of ideas and dreams and goals… of likes and dislikes. In the end; those 4 years would never be taken from me. In fact; they tried to destroy everything about me later. But; the real meaningful things in my young life; They never knew about them; I never told anyone anything about what I found important to me; I kept everything to myself. They did not know me nor care. However; my mother will try to destroy anything about me if she can find out anything about me. Much like the Russians trying to destroy the Ukrainians in war; the same thing. SO; I did take some hits; bad attacks; very bad; but still they knew nothing about me.
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Here I am now; rejuvenated; and or re developed or re born; re planted and now Im showing promise of an independent growth on my own in the garden; Im a beginning plant that is showing very good regrowth; Im showing signs of independence ability.. And this is all under God.
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When I was a teenager; I fell in love with a girl; thinking she would be important in my life at the time. I was in a new city and really had no family anymore; no one cared about what happened me; by the age of 9 I was thrown away… Young teenager in this new city with a family of strangers where I was never wanted… I was desperate for anything…
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So; as a teenager; I thought I was creating a real deep friendship with this girl; a best friend that would become my girlfriend and something serious for my future. Unfortunately; that is not what happened. I was just being played; The whole Time I thought I was building a future and a real friendship under God; and deep friendship; I was creating nothing; no friendship; I was being fooled and conned by someone with no conscious at all. This person could care less who I am or was; nothing; they would not miss me when I finally pulled back and never associated with them again. I meant nothing to them; the whole thing was just a joke they created for an easy thrill; they were laughing the whole time. I was destroyed; and had a major break down that I never got over; my mind was gone… From this and other things; I could not function ever again. The world is pure evil. And this was an example of that pure evil. Godless… Lawless… Unfortunate; For this caused a rupturing mind and a break from reality; a breakdown for me. I simply had no idea I was being led on; Nothing. I thought I was fine; I thought everything was fine; I thought I was creating a real friend; and I put my heart and soul into it..
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God got me out of there and really would never let me back around that level of evil; that person or that evil criminal sociopathic family system.
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I was destroyed and devastated and had no more ...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Apr 16, 2025 10:13 pm

I have 1.5 million fears to face; and Ill be praying about that; and what to do and how to start or where to start…
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Ill write about it and write about creating directions and stuff in my imagination.
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Ill write what I want to accomplish in life and imagine ways to do so; but id have to be another person with no fears to accomplish this; Ill work with God on it; amen.
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God has told me to become a Caveman; as Cavemen can face anything. God; under Gods power is turning me into a Caveman.
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Im learning that I have to do things on a daily basis if I want something on a daily basis; I want a fulfilled life. I practice everyday to regain momentum down my pathways. I practice what is fulfilling on a daily basis. However; it has to be under Gods care and completely started over under Gods supervision.
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On the positive side; I don’t have a past anymore. My emotions are keyed into the present and my goals for the future. This in itself is much more then allot of people have. I am not connected to a past; My emotions are not interested in the past; to be connected; they are interested in all the future stuff that can and will happen; and exciting future under God. My emotions are mine now; they belong to me and what ever direction in the present and future I want to build for them, under God… For The universe is the power; I am simply learning ways to tap into that power and humbly ask for help from the universe. I want that power to go in my favor; My Favorable direction.

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Ill pray and take action. Keep taking actions by practicing facing forward where fears tend to crop up; Ill start in my imagination; the exercising of my direction. Ill practice in my imagination and once good at it and aligned to God; Ill take it out here into the real world.
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Ill meditate.
Im not sure how this will be done…
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So; I state My goals; My end goals; and then I start working toward them as I am…
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What does that mean?
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Well.
I pray about it… meditate on it.
I create pictures or even videos of it… from start to finish… like a movie; until I see it and believe it; and believe its possible. I have to learn to believe Im going to get what I desire…
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So; Lots of exercises with this…
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FEAR and My Goals.
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SO; The new me is appearing; Ive been rocketed through the 4th dimention; quantum leap.
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I Face forward and I have 1.5 million fears to face; as I head toward my goals…
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I don’t really have a past; My emotions are tied to the present and the future; the momentum forward facing forward with enthusiasms toward my goals…
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NOTE; This is the Catch; I must be under Gods care 100%; God in control 100%; and then I learn how to believe. I move forward down God pathway…
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NOTE; I was watching a vid on the War in Ukraine as I always do. I saw the trench warfare… I saw the Ukraine trenches; they are solid and deep; dug out.. And that is what the inner pathway of God is for me. Its a trench I walk down. I don’t get to slide off onto the sides as if its a slippery slope. Meaning; I have to stay put. I don’t get to divert to the left or right.. If I have a problem down the pathway; I have to work with God on how to over come it… And thats what it means to be down Gods pathways for me; When God is 100% in control.
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I face forward; that is the idea; I imagine… I have 1.5 million fears.. As I face forward they are confronted; one little one at a time. These are small sliver like fears; but they are powerful and cause much of a jolt to my nervous system when facing and realizing what they mean and where they originated. As I move forward toward my goals; they naturally come out and are triggered; meaning; the re seeing re experiencing and re feeling of such resentments; This causes panic and fear. And as I get back on the road of my higher powers will; My stability and hope comes back; and I move through fear and beyond insecurity.

that is whats happening...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 31, 2025 9:42 pm

So; God is back in my life; My original identity is being developed and brought back by GOd; It seems to be coming back or it is back. The small child in me is back and wanting to take over… This is the child locked in with God… That means the child feels safe under God and being myself again under God… That means being healed by God… But Im weak. Not strong enough for the outside world.
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My identity This is between me and God and no one else…
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SO; this person is surfacing; meaning myself. Im working with God to get all others out of the picture; those who are not suppose to be there… Im talking about Stalker criminal minded from those meetings; some people; specific people who have no business in my inner or personal life and are not invited to be so… And I have to learn to stand up for myself LEGALLY; and do something about it.
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I have to learn to be Legal..
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PIANO; Something incredible has happened; I only felt it for a short time. Because God brought back my Art History interests as a Purpose; After watching and studying numerous videos; 15 or something; maybe more; And after watching a month or 2 of videos on Art History and getting to a point of studying and starting my painting art again; And showing commitment to picking 6 important artists to study from the past; This is the beginning of being a traditional Artist again.
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Piano; several hours later;
Suddenly sitting at the piano; I felt it; the Art purpose God had brought me for the Arts was reflecking down on Piano; awakened in me several months ago; Suddenly I could feel the piano being joined into this club.

I was a dedicated committed Artist; Now the Piano Art was finding its way into this Art philosophy. This time; Identity Music Artist. The Identity is Artist; but I found myself playing the Piano and feeling the same way. Im dedicated to working with Piano as Art piece; Music creation; It really came out when I was fooling around with the piano. I was applying Art philosophy to the piano; the feeling of dedication and commitment.
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I found myself suddenly A dedicated Artist with complete purpose when fooling around with the piano… I was back; back as a Artist; I purposeful direction. It never occurred to me that when I came back or woke up with Purpose for Art history one day; the study; For the purpose of being an Artist; it never occurred to me it applied to music as well; It does; it simply crossed over into music; suddenly I had that serious attitude of commitment to music I never could find for years and years; it had been a long time ; it was a distant memory to see the Piano as Art. I could hardly remember what it felt like; it was of another person another time. And now its suddenly completely back because Im back… And I am!
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Art Purpose as independent thought is part of me; all of me; a whole of me; Or a hole within me the generates this sensitive massive interest.
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O was lost once… my life Dormant…
I have lots of other personalities for many things… And those have gone dormant. For I was fully destroyed and neglected completely… So; many if not most of my personal self was never developed; I was thrown away.
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However; God has chosen Art History as the main point to bring me back; the study of Art History; So very important to the trained or educated Artist concept… In fact its everything… Its inline with God.
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SO; At the piano I felt it; I was a dedicated Artist of Song and counterpoint.
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The economic fear of being an Artist.
I got it; I was like any other committed Artist of Hardship through the Ages.
First; let me say; I believe in being filthy Rich; Think And Grow Rich; Lets get that strait; Do I value money? As much or more then Life it
self; Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
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Id rather live comfortably in a nice house with a pool then on the wrong side of town…
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So; What else can God bring me or give me back.
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Fantastic about mus...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Mar 30, 2025 9:26 pm

The purpose of extremely starting over…
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I set out a small vision; Place of dwelling+subject of interest or desire+transportation; end result or purpose.
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So I prayed about all of this; (where I started out-What was my purpose or intent or direction-transportation to the direction-and finally the end result). What did I find? I had no end result.
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The more I prayed about it; That if I was under God; I would be starting out at the lowest levels. In this society it would mean; Fast food places for work; Id be starting out at something simple but something realistic in society under God. A new present; a new place; meaning; in the present.
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Part of me likes it and understands it and respects it. Part of me does not. I think the part of me that doesn’t has to be tamed under God. Im split in half.
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I can see many things.
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I see myself making Art work; and doing something with it; getting nothing for it at first; doing it because I like it and going from there. And something seems Oke about that. Im doing something I like; I can see a life style behind it.
For a second; I saw money coming in from other sources. Work or what ever; and I saw pictures that I created and the people I would associate with concerning those pictures.
And for a moment; I saw women coming to me because I was not going to them. Something like that; like suddenly Im respected?
I can see something; something innocent. Yes!
Do I have the guts for this; Ill pray about it. But it is making sense.
Its like saying in my imagination; I become a school teacher and do Art on the side… As Artist and those are the people I associate with; Educated Artists. I can see something here. Or What ever Artists; I don’t have to have conditions.
Its a place of action; but I can see something.
Unfortunately; other things creep in; but they don’t have to.
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I saw something else; I saw something stopping me; I saw myself in a clerical position but not being responsible enough for the jOb. However; what I know about myself right now; its all a form of skills; and I know I can learn any of those skills.
I cant spell my last name. Thats because I never learned to; I was destroyed out of the school system from the start… So; now; I know I can memorize words and learn them if I have a reason.
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I realize Ive stopped myself from being part of society because I was stopped from being part of society when young. And I have defensive walls up. Now; With enough work I think; and God; maybe windows and doors can open up for me. Signs indicate growing into the present reality beyond the past… As if several areas of self have been replanted and are growing very well in the garden of the present under Gods care; Soon; as I grow again; and grow enough; its a new me replanted and growing; many forms of me; many plants of different natures that represent or stem from me; many colors of me; many shades; all me tho. Thus; all of these plants are growing up independently and represent the new me in the present; and they have no past…
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Sexual abuse; However; a link does exist but an understanding its the past trying to fuse within the present; and that is sexual abuse time period. However; as I get stronger Ill ask God to help me deal with the PTSD..
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I know Im to chicken to try some things that require more character; me admitting Im scared. I have to learn how to serve others and have many skills. Whats it like going beyond 12 years old in my mind; Its all blank where I was traumatized. However; I can work with God on those things. Im scared; frightened. I was completely abandon thrown away and forgotten; given away permanently. Im lucky Im alive; Numerous times it would have been suicide for me when young. I had a theropist who told me I had long term PTSD when very young; that is the only reason I survived anything…
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Im scared tho… Scared to go forward….
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So; Ill pray abou...

[ Continued ]

PTSD WHEN WILL YOU SET ME FREE

Strange changes occurring

I have 1.5 million fears to face; The beginning of the new

So; God is back in my life

The purpose of extremely starting over…

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