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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Archives
- July 2019
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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the strange world of getting better did

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm

I wrote a blog on this but deleted it. Ill try to explain whats really going on here.
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When young; I watched TV shows; I receded into TV show because I was rejected by my mother from the beginning; and a specific kind of loss or sadness or grieving occurs when a child looses a parent through rejection; they go into a dream world and do not care about the basic things of being alive anymore; My mind went into fantasy or the future. I watched science fiction movies and Godzilla movies and Elvis Presley movies and other shows... It was all I had left; I had 2 brothers in the house; but I was not close to them; they are not my friends today; they are more my enemies. They do not know me...
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No development in the school system; starting in first grade; nothing; second grade, nothing, third grade; I learn how to write. after this nothing; 4th grade is the beginning of the end concerning school; it is complete neglect at this point; the rest will be a horrible nightmare of bulling and being thrown away from having a family; Ill be turned into a foster child and disposed of. A horrible traumatic genocide of a child's life; the killing of a child.
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I finished high school; but I was in a state of trauma the whole time and learned nothing. I almost didn't make it through high school; it had been so neglected; I was not aware of this until the last year of high school... I learned nothing; and did not trust or respect the school systems and wanted nothing to do with their corrupt nature.
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When very very young;
I had nothing; I receded into the television dream world; and playing outside in the dirt or in the back yard or listening to records. Even at my friends house; more n more it was about just showing up around people and hiding in the corner and I was suffering from derealization ; I would sit their in the corner of the dinning room in his house; just to be around people; they were strangers at this point; but they were people; I was already suffering from derealisation. A glass wall existed between me and the rest of the world and it was growing; I was in the 4th grade I think. It actually started in the 2nd grade... So; I made these people into my family, in my mind. I was a stranger in their house; a visiter; but I made them my family in my mind and the friend I had; I made him into my best friend in my mind. This fantasy was all I had...
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I loved going on vacation in the summer to loon lake; I would draw and look at comic books and play on the beach and wonder around; I would meet other kids my own age and do things with them; I was learning how to reach out to them; I was 6. Now I look back at this with concern; why was a 5 or 6 year old reaching out so assertively to other kids; it was like I was a grown up....
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I never got past 6 years old I think. I got worse. By the time I was 10; I had a whole world created with a past history on Television. I had no real world I could participate in. my world was about the future... living in the future.
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lately, I watched a vid on those who have died in 2017; I realized how much they meant to me; any of them; and stars who had died who were popular in the 30's and 40's and 50's, 60's, 70s'. As if they had real meaning to me; I stopped and looked at this; those stars were like having a family; I morned for them and remembered in heart break the history of watching them on TV. And I stopped and thought; wait; this interest in them; this interest only occurred because I did not have a family of my own in the real world; I was morning TV stars and movie stars that had died; and remembered their Tv shows as if that was real life; it was not real life; it was nothing but a tv show that came on for a half hour during the evening every week. But I had no real life; nothing. I had created a life on tv and history of watching tv.... I had nothing outside this; life was a giant dissociation.... people and family...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 13 times

This is not going to be easy.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am

Im wanting my past to hurry up and show up; it shows up in tv show; but not out in the real world yet. Well; actually this is changing; the way I intact with others is changing; Im not around the right people for my alignment. But I don't know; Im not discing anyone.
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The problem is critical voice and the horrible flashbacks; I've got to hang on to my seat and keep working at it. The goal is to live the kind of decent life I deserve. I get hit with BPD in a bad way; deregulation of emotions. I have allot of work to do concerning my personality. Right now; its about movies and TV shows. And relationships; Im not really around the right kind of relationships at the moment.
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I didn't realize but my critical voice also tells me to get lousy jobs; things that are beneath my natural defenses to protect me; its like my mother trying to destroy me and put me into unsafe work situations; unsafe situations means being in situations like being a slave where Im just a servant; nothing more. and thats all I have to look forward to in life; those are the words shoved down my throat; So; I have allot of brainwashing to work through; it starts attacking me while Im writing this; and more flashbacks; this time from my childhood, friends family; and it goes on and on and on and on and on; the key is keep working through it; and more voices about not being able to loose weight. and it goes on and on; and now flashbacks of the front of my false friends families house; and it goes on n on on n on; with more flashbacks.
The goal will be when I apply this to the real world; thats whats missing or the missing link; but if I keep at it; with connection; just keep at it; not listening to the flashbacks; getting through it; hanging on; thats what Im waiting for; the right thoughts on how to proceed forward in a positive sense. Ill get their.
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I feel asleep; its 2 in the morning. And its not going to be easy; I was dreaming about something; I was dreaming about a women giving it to me; I woke up and put on porn.
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I watched porn; Im not all that into porn; Not really; its what shut ins have to do; some of it is kinky and nice... I would rather have something real in my bed.
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I noticed and felt a sadness and a problem; even tho I want to get close to women; I have to take a chance with them; its 2 much work. its to hard. They've got to much leverage; Im 2 sensitive.
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I would like to just ask for what I want....
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I noticed something as I got up; I remembered the feeling of who I was; the sensitivity; Im remembering. The 12 step meetings are helping with that; its meetings of crazy people; savages at times; messed up on drugs and everything else; They are like me; trying to find their way. However, its surreal. The problem is; I don't have any money; thats the problem.
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Ive got a special problem; my shyness. Im a shut in; Ive been that way all my life. theirs no development. I may have to talk about this in another blog; its another set of problems.
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ITs hard with me and women. Im 2 sensitive and don't want to play games.
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I seem to be shut in on all things; because whats in reality is 2 harsh for me; I think it has to do with the abuse I occurred; the trauma all my life; I missed out on all social things; Ive experienced my life through a computer or TV screen and nothing else.
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I tried to have friends when young; someone stole that from me; and the people I tried to be friends with were never my friends.
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I tried to have a girlfriend when young; but I talked myself out of it; I didn't believe her; I knew if tested her she would fail; and she did. I didn't expect her to fail so easily. It made me wonder what type of person I was dealing with. I could not get it; she liked me but failed so easily. She later told someone I meant nothing to her. But why was she interested in me then; I guess she was desperate; when she realized she was pretty and...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 9 times

Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am

Im starting to watch allot of shows; TV shows from the 60's; A time period I was a little boy with all my dreams and I had a father and brothers and a house; and a mother; but she was secondary...... the most important thing; I had a father..... And thats whats most important in a house hold.... I know; Ive been around for awhile. Assuming the father is helping the children develop; Im not talking about a monster... And theirs plenty of them who hurt children; but we wont go into that here.
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Identity; My identity is officially on the raster of rebuilding. The first lesson is making it through old movies and TV show. I have a tendency to blank out; I have dissociative disorder; I find I can only make it through a few minutes of a show and then I turn to something else; Why? Because my brain knows Im going to be ruined and destroyed at the end of that 10 year time period 1962-1972; and its trying to protect me by dissociation when I watch Tv shows form the middle years of the 60's; it knows what comes after a certain age; its my death. IT knows those shows will build an identity that thinks its safe and will go on to building and doing great things of joy and love in life; But that identity will be destroyed by evil. So; my nervous system can sense Im going back in time and resurrecting my identity with all its memories and at some point the memories will turn to the bad years; Because of the severity of trauma the original identity will disappear for ever.
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My mind pulls away from these innocent TV shows I loved so much that remind me of the innocence of the beginning of my life; but I have to watch the shows through; finish them and strengthen my identity; for I am strengthening it now; strengthening my old identity into the present. The idea is to finish those shows as if my identity has a future; meaning, I have a future as that identity. So; that identity must grow and be nourished and flourish.
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When I was young; I was around all the wrong people and places and things; all dangerous; but I never knew even as I as being set up to be destroyed; I never knew; I was 2 young. And nothing I could do about it; I watched it happen; and with my eyes open; I watch my life being snuffed out and their was nothing I could do about it.. This is a time of loss; my identity destroyed and is being damaged through trauma and it starts to disintegrate; it will be replaces by a soldier trauma personality for surviving; And this wont be fun. Its a horrible horrid life.... So; when I watch these TV shows I like when child; when I watch them; Im triggered; I get flashbacks; flashbacks of things to come; my nervous system knows its only amount of time before I get trauma attacked. So; watching these shows triggers the flashbacks of bad times coming.



















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Heres the deal;Im going to strengthen my identity that it come back full and I feel in full in the present; then move into better things in the present; the way I would have moved into more intellectual and human building situations when young; Would have showed movement with my identity around 1970; it would have taken off about that time; and it was. Unfortunately; it never happened; I was destroyed. Now; Im rebuilding my identity; and will start over with the same idea I had in the 60's; to build my identity into a better wonderful life of wonderful holsum opportunities . the last thing I remember was watching Pippi Long stocking movies from 1969 and stuff like that; making art work at the time of the flower children and the hippies of the 60's. And at that time I would have been an ace student involved in everything political and art and drama and math and everything. Unfortunately I was crushed and destroyed. So; at the end of this situation, about 1970; severe neglect takes hold and after 1972, trauma will hit; knocking me out of alignment with myself and jarring my personality into disintegration; and...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 20 times

Something positive is happening

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm

Something positive is happening; Ive got on " A Hards Day Night" The Beatles; 1964; This was one of the first movies I ever saw; I was 2 years old when it came out; I watched it in 1966; would have an influence of what my future looked like for the rest of my life; its my generation.
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I watched this when I was a young child and maybe once after. Im watching it now because the universe is trying to bring my personalty to the present; bring back my personality when it was created.
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Its working; Im changing. Im much more solid. For the last 20 years in recovery; I was never this far.
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Things are coming back of interest that I felt and watched back in the 1960's. My personality is seeking itself. My personality wants to continue where it left off as if nothing has happened; and I can oblige it. This was not possible before because I lost to many things I loved and did not want to live anymore; Now its different. and no one around to stop me.
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I have many things I wanted to be when I grow up. And it just may be; that if my personality comes back; it will want to fulfill what it began in the early 60's of its interests. Their is nothing stoping me from wanting and going after what I originally wanted; This would be great' surely it would.
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Its hard; my personality; anything directly in front of me; its like its been bruised; My ability to connect and be present; lots of depersonalization problems. However, their seems to be nothing after this; meaning; trauma; its clear sailing; no one is going to pull the apartment out from under me or the money or anything. No one here to abuse me; nothing.
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I dont know what to think accept my personality is wanting to self actualize... And more Beatles stuff.
thats where it starts.
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I noticed a specific spot in the movie where Ringo is lost with his Camera; and I noticed him having fun by himself; just walking around; and I forgot how to do this; but now I remember; and I saw these kids in the movie; 11-12 year old gang of 4; the way they slip down a brick inlayed that swooped to the waters edge; freedom; thats what I call it; Im already learning and getting it.
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Dissociative disorder still reigns in my life; CPTSD; it keeps me from being spontaneous around others; I guess I will have to learn how again to be spontaneous around others. The music in this movie is incredible.
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So Im learning.
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I have to do something about my self image; how I see myself; I have the critical voice of CPTSD; and it causes much damage of how I see myself around others. not having any self esteem; so this must be worked on. I think it will get better.
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When young; as soon as they could get a hold of me; they made me and my interests out to be bad things; what ever I was; was bad and they wanted to destroy me the way I am; destroy it.
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So; the movie is over and I feel great. I feel much better.
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So; Im getting it; What do I like to do right now; theirs lots of things I could love to do; and how I interact with people; I will have to learn how to make that positive.
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Imagine 2 people; One is depressed and worried walking down the street; the other is dancing; As I remember when I was young; life was about what things were going to be like when I got older. How great life was going to be.
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I understand that I have to live a good life and then the free time will be good. If I live a life I like; by living and doing the things I like to do; then my free time would be fun and feel good.
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Its hard to say that life is up to me; but it is; but I have to learn how again. This will not be easy. dreadful but worth it; especially in the beginning.
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I know the universe is trying to help me.
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When I was young; I had cartoons; I had the Beatles, I had a best friend; I had a house and a neighborhood.
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So; I had solid footing dreams and friends... when all of that was taken away; my personality...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 14 times

The Beatles

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am

The Beatles were my generation. I was a little kid and it was the first music I ever heard; I was in nursery school and it was 1966 and Help just came out; and in nursery school; they were playing " ITs a hard days night" and all the earlier Beatles stuff; all the time on the radio; it was great...
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I loved the Beatles. I wanted to be Ringo star when I grew up; the drummer. and when I watched " Hard days night" movie; that was it; the the idea was sealed; Im going to be a Beatle. I loved them so much; with all my heart; also, the Monkeys. And I got my Beatles hair cut; and later wanted to have a big peace sign around my neck and I wanted to be a psychologist when I grew up. All of this before I was destroyed.
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I was going to be many things before I was destroyed.
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One reason I was creative and energetic about life; I was actually neglected and left alone; and I would watch TV on my own alone and could watch the Beatles on Ed Sulaven show and dream about some day meeting them in person or being like them when grew up.
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Never when I was real young; did I even comprehend my personality being totally raped and ruptured out of existence; my identity carved out and beheaded.
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The point is; I had a sharp identity and I knew what I wanted when I got older; I was extremely creative. In addition; I wanted to be a lawyer, a song writer, artist, actor, and mathematician astronomer, and anthologist.. And many more intellectual subjects of matter; Jazz musician and other things; classical pianist and composer.
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The point; I had a life; I had my own thoughts and dreams and a complete life developed; and it was vast within me; always dreaming about eventing in my future; and then it was over; it was genocide; mind genocide. in my case; complete genocide by the vampires I was suppose to be loved by...
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The point; Im in this new position in my life; its starting to happen; my original self is starting to accept my original self. And Im really appearing again... this is where true happiness lies; in the deeper recesses of self; in the end caps of the neural transmitter dendrites that feel their way through space n time; reaching; ever reaching for information and curiosity of the world around them; its an identity that seeks to express opinion of the world around it; this process creates happiness; this freedom.
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The problem; How does a bloke almost 57 years old wake up from 50 years ago; in a positive sense and become the Beatles; Im not sure; but Im getting back that freedom again; And Im having to work with the universe with this; because Im not sure what to do.
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Im Ok; Im grateful. Im scared. To be able to start bringing out the beginning life of independence that occurred over 5o years ago; is a strange and dangerous feeling thing. Its a wondrous thing; it truly is; I have to give myself permission to allow this to happen again; Im certainly scared that I could get destroyed again or damaged. but; it looks like the coast is clear; I don't see any enemy torpedoes heading my way...
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I was convinced that my identity was worthless and it died very quickly, all of it went beyond hiding; it went into dormant stage of complete analyzation; it was no more to be seen; it was gone and any memory raped out of me; Now; its reappearing on its own.
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My identity is appearing on its own; now; its not strong enough yet; its very young as it was when I was 4-9 years old; its full of life and creativity and ideas and most of the music and movies of the 1960's; the full era.... And with the idea that it will live out its fantasy life in the next area; starting in 1970.
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Im not sure where to go with it; its like a part of me waking up that does not know Im 57; this identity believes Im starting out where I left off; I mean; the first thing I did was put on the Beatles clips of the early 60's; the live music shows and remastered stuff and listened...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 14 times

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