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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1313)
- October 2021
Next move forward
   Sun Oct 24, 2021 12:15 am
New discoveries
   Sat Oct 23, 2021 4:56 pm
Starting to move into important things
   Fri Oct 22, 2021 6:37 pm
A lot of changes are occurring
   Thu Oct 21, 2021 5:42 am
Help me God!
   Tue Oct 19, 2021 5:49 pm
I see playing gaming videos; I see playing guitar
   Tue Oct 19, 2021 12:30 am
So it begins; the next chapter
   Sat Oct 16, 2021 9:36 pm
The past slowly power and slowly leaving
   Fri Oct 15, 2021 5:39 pm
Naturally moving through AVPD.....
   Thu Oct 14, 2021 11:30 pm
Could this whole thing be mental illness?
   Wed Oct 13, 2021 6:20 pm
Grieving the past and moving on
   Wed Oct 13, 2021 11:28 am
New life brewing like a Witches cauldron
   Tue Oct 12, 2021 10:03 pm
Three areas of importance
   Mon Oct 11, 2021 4:56 pm
The bigger picture.. doing away with victimhood
   Sun Oct 10, 2021 10:16 pm
My autistic style sensitivities
   Sun Oct 10, 2021 3:59 pm
First love; slow movement; from lie to truth.
   Sun Oct 10, 2021 12:32 am
Problems with women
   Sat Oct 09, 2021 7:20 pm
Trouble with couples.
   Tue Oct 05, 2021 12:41 am
slow processing of the past.. to move beyond the lies
   Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:18 pm
Where Im at now
   Sun Oct 03, 2021 11:49 pm
Getting to the core problem of co dependency
   Sun Oct 03, 2021 10:44 am
Im becoming a different person
   Sat Oct 02, 2021 11:48 pm
First love; present social ability and other things.
   Sat Oct 02, 2021 7:18 am
Working with the mens group on first goals.
   Fri Oct 01, 2021 10:55 pm

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Next move forward

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Oct 24, 2021 12:15 am

So; Im moving forward...
When talking to my higher power; my higher power the universe God Jesus; left me a message in within my mind; centered coming into... ascending
The message was; " why did you hang out with those weird people. ( meaning when younger); why were you not applying yourself".
So; in reality; this is a statement for now because it is now that Im dealing with these old memories; in reality they are not old; they are NOW! Because Ive never been able-enough to deal with them.
So; Im dealing with them now; slowly I guess. Ill explain.
My higher power wanted me to deal with those major players I looked up to as Gods; who I turned to out of desperation to take the place of a family system I did not have. In the end and maybe from the beginning; I was used; these wield people could do nothing else... And they had no value for me; as for being human beings. They were no better than aliens... They were strangers at best; but I didnt know.
ITs left me with huge gaping holes in my heart and in my soul; its like sharks bit into me and ate me; eat part of me; but I can get up; but theirs holes in me where their weren't any before... My hole body is full of these kinds of dissociative holes. But God has resurrected me and Im walking around again... Im a whole person with these holes...
So; Im remembering what I was like when really young; like in first grade; and this is before I met my fake best friend; but not by much... But it is before that; and I think thats God doing his work; hes setting me on a course before I was hurt by these outsiders...
I was being set up by these people and never knew it; I thought I was safe. I didnt know I was the one they were going to set up or were setting up the whole time... I had no idea I would be betrayed; I walked into an enemy camp and thought I was camping out successfully; I was wrong; I was known right from the start and I never got 2 feet; but I never knew...
The next level of healing is (Applying myself); What does that mean?' Imagine a first grader and he has to learn how to study for something and I have a father that will show discipline or help me learn it... help me get inline with school before I get inline with anything else; to finish my home work and do the best I can and learn how to study and get good grades at things.. And this is a constant and a way of life... Something that never happened for me; my mind dissociated the whole time and I was not present...
So; God is taking me back through grade school. Im not sure how; or where; it will be some kind of discipline of some kind; learning how to do something or allot of things; It will be about the way I proceed to do things for success; Things in the real world where I can show them off; show them off to others; my skill; something real. I mentioned math Tudor; maybe a study of mathematics; thats what Im thinking; getting good at something.
I think; applying my to be good at many things. The apply has a specific meaning to it; its a kind of ( getting responsible) with something or else?; Do it or else be broke or alone or in poverty; its a kind of reality hit.. A guy has to learn how to apply himself to make something of himself.
And what I like about it is; its about me doing it for me and getting somewhere and developing; I can already see it and feel it...
Ill keep praying about it.
Im starting to feel what its like not to have the memories of those past people eating me away like before. Im feeling a kind of wholeness altho Ive got all kinds of dissociative holes in me; its like parts of me are not there. Imagine a plastic man and in the rib cage and stomach and hip areas; altho you can see the plastic body; inside the plastic body; in this places its clear; you can see right through me;...

[ Continued ]

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New discoveries

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 23, 2021 4:56 pm

Lots of discoveries occurring.
Where to start.
God is creating all kinds of new things and avenues.
First things first; I speak at a lot of recovery meetings; open up and share; and at times; bad people are in the audience listening and I must remember these things... I still get bugged or targeted; people with no boundaries or narcissists or sociopaths... I get caught off guard because thats what their good at... catching people off guard; thats what their practicing... Whats the solution; stay away from them. Dont be nice; dont go near them; wake up. When they do show up around me; run. Jump over the top of them and run the other direction always; no contact; no hellos; nothing.. Walk 20 feet away from them at all times if I find myself around them. Go around them; get out of there.
Discoveries and things.
Lets talk about my best fake friend when young and the girl up the street I loved.
I almost dont want to talk about them anymore because they are legally past tense. The reason they never called me or stayed friends with me is because they were using me. They were never friends of mine in the first place.
The reason they ever continued to be friends with me is because I kept calling them. They were not friend types.. But I made them into it; I was attracted to those kind of people for some reason; What ever it was; it was no good... Meaning; it was weird.. I thought I had friends with these weirdos. Why did I ever associate with them in the first place. That is a growing questions and it seeks answers...
I was lonely and had no home life or family or family life. I did live in a house someone else bought. I was living at that place for that time period.
The people I mentioned live up the street in both cases.
They had great value to me; to much value.. I shouldn't have give them that much value; I should have walked away. I should have never gone near them or there homes in the first place. Im learning. They were never friends of mine; I was being played.
So; God sent a message to me.. " Omnicell"; Why are you hanging out with weird people like this.. Why not learned to apply yourself to something,. And this message came to me a few days ago...
What does this mean; it means; I was lonely and all alone; no family. And I was avoiding... I was avoiding the home life I had or didnt have; the life that had been up rooted.
So; God separated my thoughts concerning those people and separated them from me. I with God; and those 2 separated from me.. I do not need them.
I looked at those 2 people as Gods... I treated them like they were God... and when lost them I felt destroyed inside like was worth nothing. I felt large areas of my personality gone. I had looked at them like they were my savior...
They did not turn out to be friends of my mine because they never claimed to be friends of mine. They never called me and never met me and never went out of their way to know me or meet me...
If I had stopped calling them; that would have been the end of my association with them; they did not care... And when I did call them and they did want to hang out; it was not for the same reason I did. I needed them; they did not need me.. They had much less interest in me as I did in them. They had no interest in my value; they were never thinking about me in the first place.
They never thought about me because they were thinking about themselves and their own lives. I didnt exist; but I never knew that. God knew it. I asked God; why did you send those people to me. God told me. " I never sent them to you and I never sent you to them". And that baffled me. What was going on? I was lonely and out reaching desperately to the wrong people. I was actually reaching out to anyone... And thats the problem. Thats not how to handle a situation. I never asked...

[ Continued ]

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Starting to move into important things

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 22, 2021 6:37 pm

Im getting close to the hard part of my journey. In fact; just writing about it sends chills up my spine. Im being sent back into my childhood where the real me lives; where the " me": that is innocent and natural lives.
Going back into my childhood to the real me; the me that still lives on C street as a child; that personality... Going back into their is like a soldier being forced back into the jungles of war within his mind where all His/Her PTSD lay...
The point is; it's dangerous stuff And Im on the outside of that personality. However, I must get into that part of self before any real chance can occur..
Its like Star Trek; the show... They just find the old Enterprise and they must revisit it if they are going to get any information from its computers concerning its past. They must find it and enter it..
So; I have allot of anger and rage work to work through; and abuse work concerning women abusing me or ridiculing me or de humanizing me or be lilting me and so on...
And the same must be done for me so I can love myself again; that part of self that is separated and logged of from present reality.
Im getting slowly stronger; but not quite enough; not yet; but it's creeping up on itself. Im very frustrated right now over all this; Im on the outside helpless of my own life.
What if I wanted to be a Math teacher; could I? NO! not yet. NO>; Anything else I could be; No! not yet.
Im stuck; Im stuck on the outside from getting started...
I don't know if Im getting close; I don't know; and I Don't know the right direction. I don't know...
I know the direction; I don't know how to deal with the surmountable objects in the way... it's too hard; too much pain; but Ive dealt with a few now and know it's possible.
I start with the first step and get support for it; I'll pray about that. and keep praying for the first and next steps.
My mind is full of fear terror and anxiety and hate and sadness and loneliness and horror... It's all comes up.
So; Im getting somewhere.
I like pleasure more than I like work.
Im getting somewhere.
A wall of victimhood and sorrow is between me right now and the past. If I want it bad enough; I wont allow being a victim anymore; Ill get over it and go back into the past and retrieve myself.
First few steps; Start writing about relationships; problems with meeting women and asking them out.
Next; Gaming PC...
Gaming PC.
Ive been in a developmental experience for several years now. re developing myself. In the last few years; I got my ability to create art; got it back with much work. Lots of anger and blocks associated with it.
I got that train set and fooled around with it for about 18 months; finally gave it away... I Got involved in plastic model kits; I own about 180 model boxed kits untouched; I probably hold the worlds record for those things; all sitting in my little apartment unbuild; what can I say; I wanted to spoil the 8 year old in me; and I did and I have.... do I want more? of course.
next; guitar... Like the ART... Doing art again; creating art; this was another important area to regain in my life. And with much work and decreasing the gap; I did it... And now I can play guitar when ever I like.
Then; a giant leap forward; automobiles. Automobiles exist somewhere in the age of about 15-17. So; God created pathways where I was working on pre automobile stuff; working with others on type of cars and engines and forums and auto parts stores and lots n lots of questions... And for about 4 -6 months; thats what Ive been talking about and reading about... However, that did take me over the age gap of 11-12- in to 13 and over... So; I passed beyond 13; this is important for man.. God did this by giving me such an interest in something beyond 13; Automobiles.
I resisted several old vacation spots I used...

[ Continued ]

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A lot of changes are occurring

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 21, 2021 5:42 am

First; lets go deeper into the best friend that lived up what street... I call him my fake best friend.
Lets take a closer look as I get to the final round of problems and solutions; Finally. Finally getting answers for this stuff.
I complained about how I was treated. How I was not respected at later times.
Heres a newer issue..
Im sitting in a class room when I meet him. Who told me to meet him? Why did I meet him? I claim he was evil and all that.
How about this; How about; I was never suppose to meet him.
When I met him; I went out of my way to meet him; I did not go out of his way to meet me.
Would he have gone out of his way to meet me if I had no met him; NO!
I would have sat by him in class and never said a word to him or glanced in his direction; Nothing. He would have never glanced in my direction; never... ever ever ever. Complete strangers.
Why Did I go up to him; Compulsive disorder. And; I was trying to escape my home life. IT had nothing to do with this guy.
So; after meeting this person; I went home and I called him after talking to him a few times at school. What if I had not called him; would he have called me! No! Never!
What if I had not called him or ever talked to him again and went my own way; He would have never associated with me. Never; completely strangers.
I complained that this person did not really " GET mE! SEE mE". " APPRICIATE ME". Nothing.
DID he never go up to my house; NO!
DiD he ever call me! NO!
I always called him and we always went to his house.
So; my friendship with him started when I called him. And then it ended. It only came back the next time I called him. He wasnt even a friend; He was not my friend... He was just a person I had called. And if I did not call him again; there would be no reason for me to keep writing these blogs to figure things out.
The main problem I had with this person was; I kept calling him! It was compulsive...
I was not suppose to be around him or anyone else.
What would life had been like if I had not been around that person. I would have had to dealt with my home life as it was and learned to do things for myself and probably get into school and talk to teachers and such. I would have had a boring life but I would have had to have gotten better at school. And I would have had to have dealt with my parents some how which would have been horrifically scary.
So; the real issue is about my home life at the time... not the people I called to escape... They dont count. In fact; I was using them to escape. They probably thought I was intrusive coming to their house all the time.
I could tell you they did not think fondly of me and neither did this kid I had called all the time compulsivity.
As I said; If I had stopped calling this person; that would have been the end of that... this person would have never called me... I meant nothing to him or his family... How ore why would I... This is crazy,.
So; Now; I have to look at that home life if I had no one to call. And thats a big big problem... Ill have to start some where and learn how to write about it and talk about it...
The girl up the street; the girl I liked; same exact thing. I did the same thing. I showed up around someone who did not ask to know me. I than called them. If I had never called them again; nothing would have ever happened; they would have never called me.
Neither of these people needed me for anything; they were strangers and did not have any desire to know me or associate with me...

In both cases; im compulsive; Im calling people I should not call. And Im not working well in the school system; im at the rock bottom. Non work; nothing... no movement... and that had to have been addressed... some how... somewhere.
I was never wanted in any family system anywhere including the ones I tried...

[ Continued ]

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Help me God!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Oct 19, 2021 5:49 pm

So; now; things are starting to change. Im starting to feel and see many things in my head and nervous system as I want to try and pull out of this whole thing; the past. ITs starting to move; and I with it; like a deep deep water way under the mountains creating a mud slide; I so remember all that from Geology in college; One year of it; all very interesting...
The grieving process for most of my life; most of it has been trapped in my nervous system and head and the past; all the things I loved that were gone; my whole life. Now; God has created a situation that I get a second life; and its already happening; the foundations are set; im simply practicing them more n more; I now have many rule books and guides on how to live life; That is what the 12 step groups have been about; surrendering and getting inline with their literature and books and and alignment with God and inner self; and its working working... Im slowly getting it... getting retained for a life. Its like Im back to where I was as a kid in many ways; However, no brothers or father and mother or friends down the street or school to do things within... So; that is another set of manifestations...

Im having to learn to work with God and allow Gods timing as I move toward to be healed up slowly; dropping off those things from the past that still cling to edge of my outer and inner reality...
Im having to work with God. Im still disabled from PTSD... And this is the problem.. My mind is still anchored in my head.
Im damaged from severe pTSD long term and I still need help and cant function. Im still not here; Im being attack in my head all the time. So; Im having to learn how to get the thoughts out of the center of my mind and have a boundary around it; Im learning how to keep the bad thoughts out that take my mind from me...
I have to remember Im not the man I think I am.. Im a disabled person mentally and the accepting of that disability allows me to decide what direction to help myself today and who and what to stay away from.
In the 12 step groups Im in; it helps for specific things. But when bad people show up; Narcissists; sociopaths psychopaths players hustlers... that kind of thing and some assorted criminals. That does not help me to be around that. Ive worked at avoiding problems in these meetings so it could help me with other things; lately as I get stronger and better; I have to hold my tung and just hold on until I can get better regardless of who's their.
I am older now; and because of that; I guess and have been told and really; I dont have the interest of others as much as I used to. Im older now.
The problem is; if im older and weaker; others just want me out because Im still in their circle... and they want their time... Ive had mine...
I want to develop and will work with God on it.
My goal is to get better and walk away from those meetings and keep working with God for this to happen so I can come back out to the real world..
Mens meetings are basically fine but not always; Still trouble makers that show up to those groups; all groups regardless of sex race and so on... They dont care. We got hit with a rush of that a few years back...
I have to remember what Im doing there... and work with God on it. It all gets scary for me.. I live their and Im trying to graduate from their from that respect... Im trying to heal. And at times new type of cultural persons come in and ruin everything; they are not cool; they are trouble makers. However, Im not their for ownership of meetings; This is not a movie... Its my life and I fall far short of what I thought I was.
PTSD is the problem...and my mind is weak from it and devoured from it constantly.
So; my mental health condition is whats important for me and working with God to Get inline with that and let go of everything else.
At some point ive got to clean up; loose weight...

[ Continued ]

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