Things are changing; they are creeping in; my new life; new possibilities if I play my cards right; Im getting closer to the development of a concrete part of life that seeps into the empty spaces and creates a solidness.. Its all leading to confidence. This confidence comes from many things; many developments and much experiences that meld together to bring a person into his own. And that is what is happening for me.
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Im at the very very beginning of this brutal undertaking; but its real. Its the beginning of confidences.. I can feel myself rise..
The most important aspect of this; All changes occurred after starting recovery work… Nothing that is happening is credited to anyone from my past.. ( My cousin Tina; Rest her soul; she can have credit for loving me when I was a little boy. May she rest in peace; She helped me; she may be the only one.
I loved my cousin). The beginning of my life; It cannot be accredited to anyone from my beginning life; from the past. ( their were a few friends from the south side; they were not stuckup; they actually cared about what happened to me; or they thought about me; what happened to me). That means theirs a very good chance no one can take it from me either at this point; If Im showing signs of coming back to life and back to my own life; this is from my doing; my choices; my recovery work; my desires to commit and follow God Higher Power Universe Jesus Holy spritus… God… Plenty of people have helped me allong the way; did not do this alone. Its just that; it was not done by anyone in my past; that means I dont owe any of those fake people anything.
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Im showing signs of it; as if I came from a loving secure place; or family. This means a new me being started over again.
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Their is no one responsible from my original life for where Im at now. What that means; all good things that have happened and are happening have nothing to do with anyone elses credit when I was young; Only mine. Im not suggesting this new life that might be emerging is done alone; It was done with the help of 30,000 people in recovery who have come n gone form the recovery forums Ive lived in or the meeting rooms Ive spoke in and attended; no easy feat! Those are not easy places at times.
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AND GOD! And many other things. I just showed up; I showed up 1 ga zillion times.. .
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The point is; Its starting; Im starting to glue back together… I was mentioning the word "confidence" today. Talking about the need for confidence; That is a strange word for me to use when speaking in the recovery process.
The word confidence suggests Ive done enough work on myself. The next level is personal interaction with the world; and that requires confidence.
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Im getting internally stronger…. And stronger… Confidence is what floods out after years of internal work that leads to a greater experience… life under God… All of this just sorta happens; I start getting stronger or heading towar confidence or something.
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Anyway.
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Im struggling upward…
It would be quite interesting if I get my life back in the face of all Ive been through in this struggle from the day I was born: That would be very interesting.
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I was talking to someone today; Ive literally inherited God ( Gods favor); A gift from God... at this point; And God is bringing back my desire to be alive and live and feel and imagine and dream and be enthusiastic to get up in the morning. I have so many goals and dreams Im working on; Im full for the day working stuff; way over loaded if I want to be. I can be busy all day long with my interests… I guess. Thats over shooting things; Im not there yet; but Im making my point.
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I continue to develop.
I believe Ill get my life back. The life I dreamed of having when I was a child. I believe my life will be restored… And that truly is a wondrous gift. Nothing could be greater; nothing could be better.
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As I get better and ...
[ Continued ]