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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-31f8e988d9dbab203d49bc495569f3e5_start-2040.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:45 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | THings are not all bad just limiting |
I walked into the big grocery store yesterday and saw someone I know. He works in the meat department. I said hi to him. He turned and said hello. His eyes were wincing and he was in great amounts of pain. It was psychic pain. He begin to tell me how he was doing. The frown on his face, the stretched muscles around the lower face, the darting eyes of anger and confusion. He was in great pain, fear ,sorrow ,and panic. Everything was imbalanced in his life. He had no life. The people he loved had left him. His children were with him few to many times during the month. His child support was leaving him desolate. And his past wife was doing fine with a new prospective husband. He was in extreme uncontrollable sadness and pain. So many losses and no answers. I have a friend I talk with everyday. he is trying to understand himself and the people around him. He has put faith into a fantasy bond about what people aught to look like and act like. If he hangs around these people, he will be popular. He will be loved. He will have arrived. Unfortunately the floor has collapse under his feet concerning his friends. They ended their friendship with him. He is in great pain and is trying to understand why his friends betrayed him. So much for fantasy bonds. I believe in them when God is working with me , with the future ideas of " What will I be when I grow up"/ However, I feel that God has to be running the experiment. And I have to know its an experiment. Meaning, it can fail, its OK for it to fail, its OK if things don't work out. God will bring me more situations to be involved in. I have learned the hard way not to make other people my higher power. It is to hard on a nice guy like me. I would like the world to be different then what it is. And with Gods help, I can see things through his eyes and maybe end up believing that I can see things from what ever filter I choose. Just as long as I know its a filter, and that when the filter comes off, I turn to God. Actually believing that other people are going to fix me , or save me, or be my parents again, or a ready made family is not realistic. Not for me. I have to go to God for all of these things first. My Friend feels betrayed and in great pain. He feels less worth then others. He feels he has to make friends with those that appear on the outside better then others to be better himself. --------------------------------------------- Its an inside job. comparing my insides with others outsides wont work. I still love to do this. And I get the pain for doing it. Im learning to ignore the outside of others: What they own, how they look, where they work. ITs hard tho. Their are times I want to be saved. I want to hang out with people that look like they got it going on. I feel like theirs security in it.. However, if they don't respect me. theirs no security in it. Nothing. In this situation I have realized finding a me through others sounds good, and if they play along and are really caring , maybe it can happen. However , I have found others are sick and wont play along, Therefore, I find nothing. Just lies and more pain. I have to be found by God so that he/she may do his work. That is possible when I ask, seek , and knock. Its possible when Im at the end... The end of everything.. I get scared about economic changes. That is something I have to pray about. That does freak me out. I make a list of all the growing things I need to pray about. That list is slowly growing. I have to work my way into a new way of thinking. I have to concentrate on my own happiness and directions. That comes from a journey with God. It gets started when Ive had enough of this Cell Block called earth. None of this is easy with Dissociative Disorder/agoraphobia, However, I do it anyway. And I keep doing it and keep going. |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:19 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | 30 years |
For thirty year or more, more like 35, my mind has been gone. A few years ago I began remembering things. I remembered very little before that.. My mind was protecting itself and had other things to deal for that 30 years. I was in a giant cloud of dissociation. I walked into the cloud has a teenager and never came out., now, its like waking up off a couch and all I can think about is right before I went into the cloud. I want to do the things I was thinking about before the cloud took me. Or before I started wondering in it. and I slowly am coming out of the cloud now at 49. I don't know how I feel about it. Rage, loneliness, sadness. confusion. Fear. Happiness. exhilaration. I don't know. Im grateful to get some peace. Im wondering what happened to 2 thirds of my life. Who am I. Where am I. Who do I blame. I never wanted this. I never asked for it. Dissociative disorder saved my life.? It killed me numerous times. It is better now. Im still very confused all the time and wondering what happened to me. Its like being in a car wreck. Is just a start, most of my past is still gone. Ive barely seen some of the memories of my past life. or past lives. One thing is clear. Im all alone through most of it. Their are no people taking care of me. Just people attacking me or abandoning me. Blind siding me. They hate me, All of them in every direction... Why did I come to this small town. I was forgotten 40 years before. Their was no one here anymore. Just my memories of childhood. Yet, childhood was 40 years ago. Its seemed like 5 minutes had past. It was 5 minutes ago. Their seems no recollection of time. I had dreams as a kid. And remember going into a cloud and now this. Now Im here writing on this forum. I don't feel any loss of time because it was never me driving the boat. The DID stuff fits in here. I know all of that time is gone. I don't feel any of the loss of memory because that aspect was numbed out as well.. So the whole thing is confusing. Like waking up from surgery. surgery didn't bother me a bit. I wasn't awake. I know their was time loss. I went to sleep, I woke up in the recovery room and went home. Something happened in the time I wasn't present. It was the surgery. Its the same for the last 30 years of my life. I didn't even remember who bought my cloths. Where did I eat. I know I had money at times, or lived somewhere at someones house. I know more now. At the time I was working on this problem with the therapist, I knew very little. I didn't even know how or why I came to the town I did. IT was my home town. Their was nothing left of my past. IT was like being at any small town. Most of the locals I grew up with wanted nothing to do with me when they heard I had problems. Or they thought I was lazy or strange. I don't know. I think most normies feel that way about people they don't understand. My mind has been active dysfunctional inside itself. I have no outside. I was dragged along by another personality. A protecter personality. I should be dead. Im outraged by what happened. Im glad Im not wondering in that park all day creating pictures of guillotines and writing about how to kill myself.. And those memories are 25 years old, and they seem like 15 minutes ago.. My brain is still not transferring information correctly. And it wont for a long time. The original family system I came from wanted to destroy me. Kill me off. Get rid of me... I had no idea these people were of this nature. I didn't know. I thought they were normal people. The fantasy bond I created and reality were 150% in the opposite direction.. The family system I came from caused most of this. The rest is the community of Christian middle class that destroy everything they can get their hands on in-order to get that money. They destroy every relationship that they come in contact with to get that money. My goal is to slowly wake up, deal with the... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:57 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Dealing with the public |
I go to church. They've never understood me or wanted to or need to... Yet they have played a vast huge world in my growth for the last several years. 6 years ago as I was slowly getting better, or stable or what ever its called. I was in my apartment. I was at the point that I was ready to start over with things. Not all things. Just some things. I finally decided to pray about a direction of interest. I found myself back interested in the arts. All of my past vanished with Dissociative disorder. Unfortunately , not my resentment. But things like a future in any direction vanished. And all social ability vanished. Im a bit better now. Its still very hard. I was in my 12 step groups hanging out as usual. IT was the only place other then my apartment that God seemed to deem safe for me. So I would hang out at meetings all the time. One day someone was going to church. I was at a point that I said. Ok. Id been in the 12 step groups for eight years by that time and would like to go. I ended up going to the church by following others to the church breakfast. I stayed. I went back the next week. It was the next step for healing with CPTSD and Agoraphobia. Was it easy.. Any one here nows what I was getting into. It cost me what little sanity I had left. However, it also acted as a chemo therapy, and still does to force part of the dissociations to the surface. I have no choice. When Im around middle class people Im going to get judged, and stereotyped. I either trust God and learn to deal with it when it hits, or go home. If I go home. Im back alone at the apartment again. God did not want me alone . He wanted me to work with him to get better; better means functioning in the outside world to the point that I can be active at somethings and learn how to have relationships again. IVe been at that church for about 5 to 6 years. I don't remember. And I don't remember much of it. Im a bit of a scapegoat at the church... I think. Not even that. Im needy and would like to be noticed. Im not. If I need to get stuff out and talk at a deeper level, it has to be somewhere else besides the church. The people at the church have seen a miraculous miracle. ME. They've seen me ravished by PTSD, and they've watched the changes. However, they have no idea what is going on , what is wrong or why. And they will never ask. because they don't want to know. All they know is that Ive gotten better. They assume its all God. Therefore the church system works to bring people back to sanity. That is the view that they take. Not real on some levels. Real on some. God is responsible for the peace that I am finding and allot of 4th step work dealing with resentments that I work everyday. What is bringing me relief is a deep anchored relationship with God and a good therapist. The 12 steps worked on paper has helped a great deal along with a sponsor. and psych groups that I have participated in for several years has helped. The church, A very small church, has brought me regular none Psych problem type people. Meaning , these people don't get therapy or even understand it, or want to understand it, or have a deeper understanding of things. They are regular people. So my situation at the church is a group, much like a therapy group, without a therapist, and with out a controlled environment to protect me. People can treat me any way they want. Their not nice to me. They can judge me, ignore me, through passive aggression at me, and I have to learn how to deal with it. This includes bible studies or other type of church functions. For me, Its like a really rough therapy group that wont save me or be sensitive to me, or my needs. And that has worked for the last 5 to 6 years, to slowly brings me out of Dissociation. not all of the Dissociation. Enough that I am much more present. However, I am like a tank. And it was like being in the Battle of the Bulge from World War 2 dealing in this situation. ... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:18 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Another Day in Anxiety land |
Things aren't bad. Their better then they have ever been,. Im finely getting answers. Things are Bad. Their horrible. Just ask anyone.. Don't ask me. Thats not what I think. thats not how I feel. Im heading back land to look around. Like a mountain biker with a backpack heading down a forest trail to the destination pod. To come back one more time and be in the here and now, one more time. I don't know how successful it will be. I don't know. I don't know how. I don't care. Im less afraid of the outside world. I know what it is. I see the outside world. To me its a giant war field.. I see. I feel through my mind, my arms, my legs the PTSD all the time. Layers upon layers. Time zones after time zones. Life is a giant Psychotic jungle land melded with reality from out their, and reality from in here. I have more movement. More freedom within it. Hard earned movement away from the Paralyzation of Freeze mode. I still feel the freeze mode and the violations that caused it. Yet, Im able to walk a distance from it and go ride my bike In aggoraphobiaville. Yesterday , closer to the evening I started to decompinsate. I started to become psychotic again. My brain started giving out again. I was OK . I had to go home. The Agoraphobia began to creep in. And it was time to go home. Im not mad that Im still the way I am. I always hope that I will be life everyone else someday. When Im not. Its OK. I just go home... Earlier today: I woke up this morning to the same depersonalized experience that I woke up to yesterday. It feels Schizo effective , to many times during the day. All the time during the day... Its with me all the time. Im not sure why Im writing some of my symptoms, I guess Im trying to be the big man. To show off and let everyone know who I am and what Im about. That I am my symptoms... Im not sure. Its like follow me. Or look at me. Im a great God. Something life that. I feel ashamed, Yet Im going to secretly do it anyway... Theirs another part of me that likes the idea that I can write about Whats really going on with me. I don't have to conform to the other side in reality land... Dissociative Disorder: All the time... DID: All the time. Its strange. Its like living in a group home. Its a bit disturbing. Its not what I wanted when I grew up. It is what it is... Im OK with it. With my protectors and agitators, and all the children running around. CPTSD: is with me all the time Schizo Effective tendencies: With me all the time Agoraphobia: With me all the time Avoidance Disorder: With me all the time Psychotic Tendencies: With me all the time. Depression comes and goes. Not like before. Before it was clinical all the way, with its horrible bouts that should have killed me. Suicide: not like before. Im allot better. I still get hit pathologically with it. When theirs a problem with something. I say to myself. I want to kill myself. Why should I live. IT would be better to build a giant building for those that don't like this place anymore, and let them go their and be put to sleep. How nice that would be... Now to a better place----------------------------------------------- Yet, Im more connected: All the time Love of God and relationship with God: All the time; Im on my knees to God thirty times a day I have some friends: and I can call them and walk with them and talk with them: All the time 12 step rooms are open: All the time I ride my mountain bike all the time. I can go 50 times as far on a mountain bike then I can walk. The agoraphobia doesn't hit me when Im on the mountain bike as much. I think its because my mind is being preoccupied. The rhythmic cyclic movement of the peddles his hypnotizing. I am safer around people, I can ride by them and leave at the same time.. The Rhythmic and balance of the bike swishes my condition around and around and around like a washing machine... To Its like being in a giant fun house.. Im in personal training... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:49 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | People with no idea of the problem |
Lately I was talking to a person that has worked with me in the past on Psych issues. I was telling her how much better I feel, much different then I used to be. I was 100% disabled from my condition. Although I still have same nervous system and the same brain, I have allot of healing and more peace then Ive had in a long time. I still have problems or conditions. What has changed is the way I look at them. The way I feel about them. And that my symptoms are down. I have worked through many resentments , and have a better understanding of resentment at this point. I have a higher power that I work with, that helps. iT makes all the difference. I have been to the desert alone. And had to rely on God the whole time. I mean this in a spiritual sense and in a real sense relating to many of the realities I deal with on a daily basis. My life has been one giant struggle. The other half has been one giant prison camp Ive had no control over. Ive had no control over my life. The mental problems took over, clamped down. and I never surfaced again. I know what it is like to die and be resurrected several times. This life has been a brutal affair. ---- As I mentioned at the top. I talked to a person that I worked with on my condition several years ago. I thought she was trained and understood the type of hopelessness a person like myself expects to experience on a daily basis. Not so. In my conversations with her. She insulted me. And I felt quit put down and shoved off to the side. I felt this way because I brought up the idea of those suffering because of their illness. Their mental condition. And how horrible it is, especially when I think I have to give up, that theirs no one interested in me. Or anyone coming to my door to take care of me or save me from the insanity in my mind and nervous system. That death might result because theirs no way out. That when one is broken in mind, heart and spirit. One does not care anymore about going on with anything. Her answer to all of this. " They need to pull it together". Or, " They need to grow up". The way she said it was worse then the words she used. It hit me like a brick. A random middle class cliche. I mention my story to this person and all I get back is how those that are poor and destitute with no way out just need to " pull themselves up from their weakness, that they choose to have, and start dealing with life like everyone else. It was the way , the tone of voice, the arrogant body positioning , that got to me. I just stood their. It was despicable. I was talking to someone that thought it was alright that others should die that I may live as I wish... Horrible. Why did I even talk to this person. This person has no conscious. The only thing a person like this is interested in is making more money and making a name for themselves with the other people of popularity within the community. They never ask any questions. They create their own opinions about me or about my condition. They jump in and try to take over. To over shadow with their own view points. Their not interested in mine. Even if its me we are talking about. My story.... I have to learn to let go and let God. Keep the conversation on them, don't expose anything about myself and walk on. That is the only way to stay safe in an unsafe world. Im just shocked by people that have greed and power as their best interests. That greed and power are the best they can do. They cant do just a bit better then that and try being a human. I guess not. I feel for the broken hearted people of this world. Where will they turn. No matter what direction they go in. Their trampled under the worlds feet, and torn into pieces... |
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