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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Vile hatred and anger.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm

Im vile and have deep loathing thick brewing cauldrons of anger of hatred; of contempt and loathing; hate filled loathing and brewing... hate filled. War is the only answer; a war of a different sort...
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Ive been stopped in the past; intimidated in safe spaces that were suppose to be safe for people; they were not; but I never had any safe spaces; for the filth I was associated with ruined that when I was young; I was never safe anywhere... and Im still not. And I go to sleep and stay asleep; even when Im awake Im not here.
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I have to look at why Im not safe in the spaces I frequent; Its either safe spaces that are marginalized or isolated loneliness; which one do I want; the other choices are why Im on this site and writing this blog and getting all the outside help at hand; I want these are choices to materialize for my life.
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I have to look at safety and where I would be safe and how to get there and the type of work. As I write this; Im blocked; so I know Im on to something; the critical voices in my head are blocking me from dealing with this subject; why? someone came in when I was a child and pulled the safe places out from under me and left me baron; and it was not just one place but a whole world of places; everything; including everywhere outside; nothing was safe anymore; no place on earth was safe for me and the people were not safe; non of them and I could not escape them; that is what I told myself and I have to look into that. my goal is to work through the past; slip by the dragon so I can be safe again and feel agile and safe; out in the world... How can I do this. I don't want to walk around the world like its a prison camp.
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The most important aspect first; I should have ability; built in to function. I should have the ability to work through all of these categories of interest; meaning; mechanical ability; to work through the mechanics of self using mechanical thinking; mechanically speaking; each component that is affected or infected within me still have the machinery to work or function; Something is not allowing it to be turned on an any disfunction within it can be drained; like draining poison from a diseased area.... the disease must come out; it must flow out... be gotten ride of...
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Control by step father comes up; he's in all areas of my personal space; he is a little man trying to rule over everyone. Im not wanted; but he wants his wife; but does not want her children...he thinks he's got it made; best prize he's had; " his new wife"....
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I want someone to turn me up side down and drain me of disease and poison. I want the poison out of me. If I had safe spaces and really new I was on safe ground; it would make a difference. I am a man tho; Im like a machine that wants to continue to be a machine that helps keep me aligned and working...
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I want to be aligned and working. When I bring up the word " work", I feel a kind of rupturing; the dissociative condition kicks in; is triggered. So; its like a giant horror ship; a movie of a horror ship I have to go through; walk through its hallways and face...
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So; work is something that needs to be addressed and what happens before; what happened to me before this in my childhood thats going to lead up to problems with work. A giant gap resides between where Im at and the idea of " work"; pure neglect kicks in as a word of choice and problem when dealing with work. Also; being taken advantage of over and over and over in my private space; or where I was suppose to have private space... I had no rights or private space; nothing; and no foundation; I was stripped of foundation and private space... I was controlled and used and battered and manipulated.
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I was stripped of everything. When I use the word or phrase " private space"; a whole world kicks in as I was the victim of brutal things that put me to sleep; and it is this area I'm going...

[ Continued ]

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more changes ahead.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

The seductive intoxication of victimhood has control of my body; my body is not mine; its trauma bonded to victimhood. I hate it; I love it; I love to hate more then I like to love; thats what I was left with; to hate; to hate; I had nothing left; I had nothing to work with but air; nothing... I would rather hate the world then be vulnerable and love. But this lie is not working; but its kept me alive in a world that does not care if I live or I die. but the intoxication of victimhood is numbing my feelings with self pleasure; and Im not motivated. Im like a drunk on the sidewalk; he's never awake so he never disagrees to what's happened to his life. He must first wake up. And that is what Im attempting to want to do right now; get down to the bottom line of things and wake up. However, my other personalities block me and dont want me to wake up; they want me to hate.. And Im so tired of their rebellious instructions; its not working; they are children who believe they are in a Christmas special and in denial; for them; they will always be in a safe house and in a bedroom playing with legos and will not have the capacity to see any other world or move beyond into any other world. For them; why should they leave their house for another; for them; their house is safely guarded and no reason to leave; they are cozy and safe. However, in the real world where the rest of me lives is a war zone..
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As I write this; I can feel the hatred; and being told not to go forward... I can feel the hatred because I was pulled from my home as a child; genocided as if I was an Assyrian refugee forced to another land; same thing. And now I want to go home and I want go move forward; split energy.
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The problem occurs at that moment I make real changes; I faulted; I faulter at that moment; Ill need a clear plan and manhood to move forward; Ill need allot of guys on my side helping me hold the line. I had no one; no friends and no family when young; but didn't know. I associated with people that were never my friends who had contempt for me from the beginning. And I was betrayed by all; and they knew what they were doing and took the opportunity to destroy me from the beginning; they were quite and covert about it; I never had a chance.... I know better now..
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The goal now; create goals of what I want right now; how I feel right now; and move forward. I know the resistance of the children within me; the child within me will throw up all kinds of defense. However, must move forward; Im stronger now and I have people on my side helping me to move forward; the gap is getting less n less; it will get to the point of jumping distance. So; much work and perpetration into limiting that gap; thats what Im looking for.
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I understand that when it comes time to jump; I'll be scared; and thus; Ill in list men that will hold the line that I not jump away but jump forward across the divide of my life into that new freedom. It's coming.
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What am I facing? The bullet Ant test of Brazil; where men are bitten by hundreds of bullet ants by willing choice and spend 24 hours in pain and agony billowing through it until they make it out the other side; thus going from boys to men; that is what Im facing; and Ive got men in place to help me with it; my form of the bullet ant testing; it will be more then one test; but it will be one firing line... And I will go through many tests Ive not faced that will get me to the destinations Im interested in. Im missing the ability to face tests because of authority abuse when young; I was knocked down into a spiral of horror and depravity and no way out. Now; I must work up the next direction toward what I want.

0 Comments Viewed 145 times

Some changes; Not their yet

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:37 pm

Im slowly slowly slowly heading toward; coming into alignment; but its 200 miles away.... its fare away...
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Its very fare away but heir is hope; hope has shown up.
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Im looking for the beginning signals and pathways of my life where Im at; where I start here n now; but I first have to be here n now; and thats where the work is; the enemy is dissociative disorder that diverts my mind from being present to do anything.... Im getting closer or starting or something; Ive made some movement forward.
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This is an example of moving forward. This is an example...
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I wanted to play guitar; so I thought; dam; here we go again; for 40 years; I couldn't play guitar; could not start something and finish it.
I started playing guitar; I was able to get through the first level; able to get into the first level; the beginning of the first level; chords and an F bar chord.... and a bit of picking. I made it; I got into the first level; but then I stopped; became disrupted... disconnected from self; dissociative condition. ..
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So; Im getting places.
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The goal is to focus on now; what I need to discover now; to go from where Im at to the next level. The problem is; Im acting like a big shot. Like Im readying myself for a bigger then thow situation given to my dilution. Im trying to come out of my dilution so I can start at something; but I first have to come to grips with reality and where Im at and thats the problem; its like being on the streets as a derelict and I telling everyone how I'm going to be an astronaut; It doesn't work; it doesn't fit. its not realistic. Im in la la land; Im getting better to come back to reality now; so I can start something real; see the pathways of where Im at so I can start.
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I have to stop worrying about what others think or think of what's important or what's important for me or what they like or don't like and I'm trying to please them to fit in; thats everything to me; belonging; but I can't do this this time... I have work to break this down and come out of it and be on my own identity and emotionally speaking.
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What does all this mean? It means Im heading toward starting over completely and doing what I love; starting at the beginning; letting go of a fake past that has been lying to me and ruling me; Im working through the fear of it and letting go; ending up doing what's best for me not what I think I aught to be doing according to some rituals of my fAKE BRIKEN middle class past. Even if I wanted the middle class past; I would have to become present and start over at the beginning; and loving it. Id have to be free to be me; letting go of all things and going back to being my original self; and I think that might be happening as I speak; write.
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Tid bits are showing up..... things are possible. I need more work of who I am to show up and not worry about what others think or about the past glory days of what it was suppose to look like or be like...
I don't need a past of what it was suppose to be like; Im locked in that; its kind of a narcissist kind of deal... remnants of a sociopath..... a narcissistic sociopathic by product of severe dissociative disorder.
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It's possible to heal up; is it; thats the real problem; so I can become present.
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Im trying to let go of what I thought I should become or be able to do and just be me; where Im at. and its a much smaller venue of availability. Im not able to do a 10% of what my superman complex suggests...
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I have to be in the here and now; and until that can happen; Im waiting it out; what Im becoming aware of; that I have a condition where my mind is gone; gone into the past or in a state of delusion or dissociation; all the time and its not real; its not present; and I want to be present and free in the present; and thats the work; but flashbacks creep in and PTSD creeps into everything as fast as lightening hitting water; It takes over my brain ; but Im trying to take...

[ Continued ]

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Its beginning to become clear to me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 26, 2019 4:24 pm

My mind is not cleared; I don't think Ive dealt with the major problem; that problem being the last attack by the psychopaths. I was 16 years old.
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I loved a girl who lived up the street; she was my conquest; my goal. Just her and me; I created it all by my self. I was 14 years old.
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Back story;
I had asked God for someone to love when I was 12. I was being abused and destroyed at a new location by new strangers; strangers to me; I did not know what these people were; I then learned. Horrible; hideous.
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I had no love from anywhere; I was being destroyed.
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I asked God with all my heart to love someone.
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At the age of 14; I moved to a new city with a new family system; It was my only choice to get away from the bulling I was receiving at the school I was at. And to get away from being molested and chased like a girl in the house I was at...
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At the age of 14; my brother met a boy; a friend of his; about 16 years old. I was invited up to meet him; he had a little sister; she was my age; and within a week; I knew she was my soulmate for life. I knew it; and she knew it.
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The people I was living with; one was a psychopath; At some point out of desperation and loneliness and lack of development; I made the mistake while driving away from the house; she was driving; to tell her about the girl up the street. I was destroyed; and I had all kinds of massive abuse thrown at me from a sub human level; and this triggered the long line of attacks sense 3 1/2 years old. So; their was no hope for me... Im still effected by it to this day; It caused a kind of sickness being that close to a psychopath with their mask completely down; not the first time. and I made the mistake of opening up with no defenses; I needed anyone to listen; I had no adult mother or father love to develop with; I was desperate for anything that resembled or looked like the portion of a mother or father; any body; anything. The psychopath saw this opening and aggressively slammed in and destroyed anything of the inside of me they could from a sub human level attack of hatred; like an alligator; this caused a sickness in me and and a mental break down. from that point on; I was mentally crippled and I wanted to leave and never come back. I stopped thinking about the girl or any future in that area and wanted to immediately leave and never come back; I wanted out of that house immediately, and to leave; and I did; I left the area. I would have married that girl; she was my future; a future God gave me and I created.... and the girl would have been loved for the rest of her life with someone that genuinely loved her.
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Now; I have to grieve this; and let it go and move on and allow God to bring me another...
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As for the girl; I loved her. I created that love; I went after her; I went after what I wanted and would have had her but I was interrupted. I created my future and my own dream and I Gave myself to her and she wanted me.
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Here I am now;
So; what is the goal; the goal is to clean out that pipe line; that pathway where the psychopath attacked me; learn to push past psychopaths or anyone else; continue on to my objective down my pipe line. Push through it with courage; fighting and facing the dragon; pushing it and slamming it off the cliff and going past it; beyond it; pushing it out of the way.
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The psychopath had a kind of dissociating crippling effect upon my nervous system and I become dysfunctional and could not follow my dreams anymore; I could not do anything anymore. I could not trust anymore; I felt nothing was safe or sacred; nothing.
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So; the goal is simple; some how; work beyond what the psychopath did; " get over it"; if you will! and move forward... head forth toward my objective. In this case; the concept of " objective" was ruined because its diseased at the roots with the coloring of the psychopath; no matter what future event...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 69 times

Social skills improving

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am

Ive been working a recovery process for a long time; However, I started success based thinking skills about 6 years ago. For the last 4 years; the goal has been social. Im slowly working closer and closer to the center and waking up.
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Dissociative disorder walls;
Because of abuse when young; my mind was trained to defer itself. When getting close to being expressively free; I went inside myself because of the monstrosity of my situation; not always presented in front of me; at many times; it was covert; this evil that created a pathway to my abuse; meaning; at times the abuse was running silent; but still running. My mind would go inside itself in almost an autistic way.
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Now; when dealing with social interactions and talent interactions and work interactions; any interactions; I shut down and go inside myself and don't deal with what's outside in front of me. Recently Ive realized I have no choice; its hardwired. So; my goal is to unwire the harness.
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Ive realized it started trauma problems before I was 4 years old; before I could remember anything; my first memory was at 3 1/2 years old; it was the psychopath in the car saying horrible things to me...... I was already hardened to dealing with it. Its always saddening to remember this because it was my first memories of awareness in life. ITs not fair.... Not fair for any child to be disadvantaged.
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I was at the meetings and my ability to talk to certain people is much stronger and more confident and more positive and the focus is on them; not me; not needy or needing to be about me and Im less able to be manipulated; because Ive notice many that if they think they can get away with it flip the conversation backward finding themselves in a power position to manipulate me or shame me or control me. Im not allowing this anymore.
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Had a women I know; we were standing in line for food at a meeting; She was talking to someone and addressed me as. "He"; she was making an example of something in her life and I was the example; I immediacy stopped her and with some aggressiveness; Told her my name in a sense that my name is_______! I did it over over several times; she got the message and she didn't like that message. She didn't want to show me respect for who I am; She is a modern user of men.
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The feminist movement is destroying relationships between men and women. Ive dealt with this a bit lately. I end up walking away or getting hardened to the people practicing it and stay away for good.. Whats interesting; the people practicing this arnt sure what to do. They cant attack because I never go near them but its out of disgust; I don't put an eye on to them and they are not sure how to proceed. They find themselves isolated and alone...
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Anyway; Socially speaking; Im doing better; better then I ever have... But what does that mean. I means my ability to talk to people is stronger face to face. Face to face is what it's about for me today. Ive gotten stronger because I continue to be forced into new situations where I have to be face to face and show my emotions. Not easy. .
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My goal is to have transportation and find myself with new groups of people and talk to them; practice conversation.
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