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OMNICELL
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
Today
   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
More notes
   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm

Im in one of the most God forsaken areas of healing; its direct healing against the interactions of others that used these interactions against me; creeps. this means sexual abuse harassment and control against me; control against all parts of my will; being put into positions where I was tortured in one form or another with not having any escape routs within environments to in-human to cope with. I was put into situations that were in-human with no escape; over n over n over n over n over until I went mad; or insane; until My mind and nervous system were gone from reality and so damaged I become catatonic and not present anymore; and thus stayed that way. At the core of this is the shame; the horrible levels of personal hatred and shame by not being allowed to fight back; to ever fight back because their was no place to go; if I fought back; I would loose my lively hood to stay alive; I had no choice. but in this process of losing my mind to CPTSD and dissociate disorder; I also lost touch will all economic abilities and correct attitude and correct thinking concerning money and independence and work ethic. A work ethic meant slavery; I could be sexually used or abused or any other form of abuse. My independence was stripped from me; It was like being a slave... So; the deep hatred and resentment toward my captures and revenge is all I thought about; Meaning; my focus was on the past; and thats all it was on because the damage and wounds were from the past and so my inward thoughts were on the wounds and those that caused them and the revenge for destroyed my life that I could not work or function or had a future or relationships.
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I could not escape when I saw these vermin degenerate retards and their life styles attack me; and they were out to use me; make me inferior to make themselves look better then what they were; sick filth; doing this to other humans because they; degenerates were not worthy of life; and anything else... Im so sorry I was ever exposed or even born at this time. I was and am a decent person; way way way above; and thats not the words to use; Im a human being; and these degenerate filth were children destroyers; using children for their own experiments and entertainment. ITs so sad that children ever get caught up in this or controlled or captured into this. For their lives are ruined...
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The pathways I would use to function become filled with monsters that violated me; trampled me under their feet; tore me to pieces. I could do nothing about it; I was used exploited and alone. I was murdered over n over down those pathways. If you have CPTSD; you understand......
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Im frightened of interactions with others because of the over amount of attacks by others; over n over n over again; I was eaten alive with no way to fight back; nothing. And all pathways destroyed from the first time I put my food out on them; bullies and others running up and cutting me off from myself and desires.... physically Controlling me out of myself.
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The pathway;
So; with no work ethic developed; all I see is sexual abuse; an abuser controlling me; thats all I see when I see money or work or economics or going after money; I see his face and others helping him; and others before and after him; I see them owning me; thats the end of the road and thats all I see.
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So; here I am wanting to turn this around; The goal is; go after what feels good. Start over; do not think someone owes me anything; No one owes me anything; And when I say this; I can see that force heading backward; heading back towards those that abused me and what they did to me; and this is no good; won't help me at this point; its random CPTSD and PTSD running through my head; useless direction of my focus; so; using my focus is scary; I feel the perpetrators in me as critical voices. its scary; its like I dont own myself even tho the perpetrators area gone.

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I am learning to work...

[ Continued ]

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Today

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am

I felt like an adult today; this is the first time Ive ever felt that way since childhood; And I was not an adult in childhood.
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The child in me is creating an adult in me . I felt it; I was in my apartment and felt the adulthood. Adults can take care of their lives; they are not bound by childhood trauma. The child in me is doing well.... and is creating the adult to take care of him.
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I still have dissociative disorder; so; outside things changed. I was confident indoors; outside things changed. Im not together yet; not strong outside yet. Im not strong as an adult; its a concept and idea that is now flourishing in my mind inside; indoors; and has just broken out of the egg and is now crawling out onto the surface.... and is looking around at this curious world.
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What does it feel like to be an adult; I look back at my 7th grade year; a horrible horrible tragic scene. And I see myself as an adult walking through that school; and I see myself kicking Ass against those bullies because Im an adult; I see myself strong.

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However, Im not a whole adult. With dissociative disorder; part of me is carved in; but better. but it shows up outside in the real world. Im not strong in the outside world yet. And becoming present in the outside world is a challenge; it will require more experience becoming healed in many facets.
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Im OK in my apartment feelings like an adult; its a start; but it must be protected and taken care of; nurtured.
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The adult in me must grow up like a tree or a plant that is loved and taken care of.
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In the outside world; My dissociative condition caves in; I get paranoid; don't have the strength to stand up for myself; and Im wacked and stressed and freaked out.
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But most importantly, I felt like an adult today; this means I can handle what happened to me when young and handle the outside world of my dreams at the same time. Im not used to being outside and being in control of my life; This will take a while to get used to; and its about 50/50%. Im about half strength and Im caving when intimidating people are going by.... Im not strong enough to handle them. Im still shaken by it; and the general outside world still scares me.
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Waking up and accepting reality where Im at; it's a whole new environment; not the one I wanted when young; but not one I would discard now; it's simply new.
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Lately; Ive been wanting to grab a football and play catch; A good sign; the best sign. its been awhile; I miss that. Another example that my childhood is coming back online. And this is not easy; hardest thing of its nature Ive ever done; to float around in the past; a past that destroyed me; and in the face of the past; float around in its neighborhoods and get better literally and figuratively...
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So; a solid foundation is getting strengthened and developed. I must continue to allow the universe to slowly building me back into the person I always wanted to be and I think its happening; it is happening...
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Its still hard to bike by my old childhood home; I want so much to go inside and live again. instead; the universe is allowing me to feel it as I go by; and with enough time; I don't have to go inside.. I must write about being a child in that house and rewrite the story of living their and walking out of their to better things and life. Im getting closer..
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Ive been having a problem with finishing what I start; and this is why being an adult is so important. In the past many people owned everything about me; and many areas of my life were ruined; art and music were areas ruined because I made the mistake to trust the old family system or death system; same thing; trust them; talk to them about my music and art; I was trampled under their feet. turned on and tore to pieces. And I feel this horrible connection to these people; like I answer to them when it comes to music and art.
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Money was ruined for me when young;...

[ Continued ]

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More notes

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

Im getting better; most of my work now concerning critical voice; all the techniques I can get my hands on to counter critical voice and flashbacks and doomsday imaginational constructs of fear; fear based construct; totally useless. Not interested; So; I have to learn how to control my mind; get out of my mind when hit with crucial voice.
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If my mind can clear; it goes further than before when attempting something successful . My mind can be more productive for longer. I have to continually work on the critical voice until I get stronger and able to get rid of it.. And I can feel it; feel how horrible my mind gets taken over. I feel like a 6 year old taken over; like a critical-voice-molester molesting me when I’m a child; its fear; I feel the fear. I have to continue work so I can work through it. thats my goal.
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I have an interest in making money and Im on social security disability; So; Im not sure how the universe is going to create this situation. Im interested in money; not working for bosses; thats a waist of my talents and interests.
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Ive never talked about work before because it was a ridiculous subject; I never wanted a job; I wanted a career; but my life was destroyed and I no longer cared about anything. Of course I must remember this was done by psychopaths.
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I had wanted this beautiful life and it was ruined…. So know; I have to take it back when I feel safe.
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Im not sure of my direction in life or where Im going or how to get their; Im not sure how to get their; what I need to know is where Im starting from and where Im going; and I don't know where Im going but I know where Im starting from; or Im attempting to get back to the starting line to start my life. I know where Im going; to the things and places and people of interest. So; I do know something about where Im going; but I have limiting beliefs that cause massive strong fortress like walls. I cannot bring those walls down on my own; but with help from my friends; yes; they can be broken through.
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I've lost all interest in anything dealing with this society. It's a joke. However, the problem is; My thoughts are not good concerning anything I love doing. In fact; Ive been violated to the point I wont do it anymore; anything. I cant move past these walls of anxiety associated with the rupturing of my personally and nervous system. It's hard to start over; the critical voice destroys me and brings up flashbacks. So; I have my work cut out for me.
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Im not happy about working with the universe; Im not sure why Im not getting the manifestations that are in my mind; they are not showing up. I don't understand any of this.
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Other areas;
sexual abuse and time period
being thrown away from my home when I was a kid; that time period; running through it
being neglected continuously before I was thrown away; I can see the effects starting after 3rd grade…. thats the beginning of it; it all starts before this; but that is the jump off point; more stuff to write about.
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Just went on an outing to someones house. Lots of people; I got to walk around on the forest path for awhile; deal with the local dear in the woods that live by the trail.
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I got to deal with more people; and play with more gadgets and art and clay and other things; making some beats.
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A women walked up and asked me if I was still doing coloring; drawing; said I was getting into it again; she was really happy for me; said she remember last year at that time when I was attempting to change and make drawings; that was a year ago…. that stunned me; thats called feed back. It's been a whole year. But something is different this time; Im much different. The things i wanted to change are changing; they are not changing because of my attempts at art; they are changing anyway. Im not so “ far out in left field”. like I used to be…. Im changing; the universe is changing me. .
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Social;
One area Ive been...

[ Continued ]

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The childhood overcoming; success at sime point; not sure when

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 28, 2019 5:51 pm

The model of how Im working through this; the childhood taken from me; meaning internally being cut off from self; from about the age of 10; completely beheaded psychologically to the point that the childhood personalty vanished completely; the model of how Im working through this is the subject of the blog. Altho I write obscure; secondary awareness flash from the key principles; splashing out insights upon the viewers mind.
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The only remains occurred after numerous years of work on D.I.D. and general dissociative disorder. I found my childhood looked like a movie real from a Thomas Edison viewing machine in the late 1800d's. You stand over it; look into it and you see a tape run by that looks like a crude movie; after a few minutes it stops; and thats that; and thats what my childhood looked like; Like was in a plane looking down at the earth and I could faintly spot this tape going by; a real. a movie real; and on it was shadows of a distant life; my childhood; and then the real run out and everything went black; it ran out at about when the child turned 10; and then the real ended and all was silent; and that was the end of that person; that personality... And it was sad; for it was the end of me; and that was that; a brutal cruel ending of a magical existence. No more person.

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The child disintegrated and was reemerged into the Core of self; the energy print or blue print or however, the universe stores it in the dead center of the nova within the middle; the sun; for in each person; in the center is a sun... and it shines outwards.
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The universe is rearranging my mind because it become a backwards brain. Imagine the organs of the body all misaligned and misplaced from being in a car wreck; everything pushed up inside other areas made for other organs; a complete catastrophe. Well; the universe is straitening out my mind the way a Doctor straitens out a patrons body after a car wreck...
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The universe has come to my rescue; why? because Ive created plans that require my mental health to be sane; Ive thought about those plans, yelled about those plans; screamed over them; grieved over them; gotten violent over them; weeped and wailed over them; put out massive long term torturous effort for them; The universe has had no choice but to rescue those desires and turn those thoughts to things; and that is the process working as I write.
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The universe has gone back deeply into my childhood that was completely blocked off to me; the universe; like a giant clear water worm; has snuck through the doors of a time lock; back into the house of my childhood and looked around with me riding on its back. It looked through the hallways and the closets and the bathing rooms and living rooms and basements where all the Beatles albums lay; and the dinning room and stair cases; everywhere; and explored everything; and began to open it up to me slowly. And soon I was invited by the little boy who lived their; I was invited to visit.. And slowly the little boy trusted the big clear water worm; and wanted it to come back and visit. And it did. Soon this child was walking up to the edge of its time period and viewing through the portal; and who was he looking at; he was looking at me as I was looking at him; separated only by a window; for he wanted to see the person that he was slowly believing might be trust worthy this time. He had never believed I existed; he had never seen me before; he thought I was a dream... from a dream; but not real...
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At this point; within me it's a whirlwind of change; energy and electricity are flying everywhere; it's alive again; the neighborhood and house and the movement of this Childs interests; he is alive again. And soon he will grow and grow Into himself with in this house as he should have, not being scared of his mother; not anymore.

He will grow in this house in a way he never got a chance too. Soon he...

[ Continued ]

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Finding my voice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm

Expressing my opinion was shut down because I was thrown away when young by those and society who were suppose to protect me; society got in on it and murdered me as well; it was like having my opinion shoved down my throat; and terror took its place... It was like have my life ripped out; A child needs a stable base on which to speak; and that base was pulled out on me as a child; which is totally immoral; but psychopaths are lawless; they have no concept of morality; nothing...
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My voice was shut off as a boy; if I stayed quiet but had a stable background; that would have been different; but it wasn't; I was used and continued to be used; I knew something was not right; but I did not know it was my Dad that was causing it; that the neglect was coming from him; it was; but I was to young to recognize it; I thought he was on my side. Later I would realize; he was on no ones side; he was a sociopath and a potential serial rapist of women... And a fraud; a sociopathic fraud. He was not safe for anyone to be around; certainly not children; because he would use them; he would be-friend them for a purpose; general to act out his social elite fantasies; meaning; he could walk around and show the world that he had a family and was a father; in reality; he was not paying for anything; monetarily he was not a father. What does this mean; it appears he wanted to play house; I wanted to play with the children but not feed them. And at some point; with further inquiry; he didn't play all that much or of any length of time with the children. In fact; he was only seen when he was home. And he wasn't home all that much; he was in the works for himself; The kids were along for amusement or boredom; and were present for nothing more. I was used; I was an opportunity for my fathers interests in other places; he would take me places; to peoples houses so he could look like an important family man; he would not take my older brothers; only me; now I know why; my older brothers already knew what these animals were like; they knew he was exploiting children and he could not get away with it with older children; but a 5 year old he could get away with it.
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As far as my mother; no mother; a psychopath waiting in the wings to see if my fathers family pans out as an opportunity for money; if it falls through; she's gone; that is her only interest in staying in that family system; she has no other; the money and a place to hide. She made a mistake on this marriage; This is her 5th attempt at a marriage relationship; by the time she's with my father; I believe he is number 2; she tried to be married several time; but they fell through. She may have been married a 3rd time before Im born; Im not sure; no on told me when I was young that she had been previously married. I did not know she had been married before. She tried to hook up with a boy in high school; The boys parents saw what she was; and got the boy out of their. She tried to hook up with a guy in college; he got out of their. She married a guy in college; another guy; married for 5 years; He got out of their. My father was a kid from a farm; she thought she had it made; He was dumb and innocent and believed in love; how foolish; he did not understand women and or hypergamy; he knew nothing about their nature and that their main interest is resources... He was innocently in love with her; Im so sorry! She thought she had a fool she could manipulate like a monkey in a zoo; but it backfired. My father was brought up on a ranch; he had to work every day of his life from a very very young age... Farmers are moral woodsman people. They have standards of a certain nature. My mother walked into a moral trap; something her psychopathic background could not have detected or understood; she did not understand spiritual concept; she had no soul; did not understand morality or its purpose. She was looking for a host and found...

[ Continued ]

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