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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Trapped between 2 worlds

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm

So; The child in me is having success. The adult in me is nowhere to be seen.
Ive heard of people adulting and liking it; Some don't. but some do; In my case; their is no adult life; Ive had a mental illness life. Ive had recovery life; with the adjustment that I will tolerate the BS to survive.
I was at a couple of events; social events through my groups that I attend; whether or not I fit into the groups; meaning; I feel safe or loved or comfortable. I am safe and loved but don't always feel socially comfortable; and it shows; regardless; " Im in"; Ive earned me seat; as they say in my fellowships; Im in. Many times I feel outside the groups; or socially outside; but Im not; Yesterday; I talked with numerous people about many things; building connections within the groups at outings. While participating in the outdoor potlucks or swimming parties at the local campout lake sites... that kind of thing; vacation spots; day vacations or camping for several days with events.
So; the child in me is making it happen. Im like a 4 year old that is having social success; its not perfect; what makes it perfect is my ability to survive whether I feel isolated in a corner or not; Im not really isolated. Im part of; I can turn around at anytime and talk to someone.
The problem is; The child in me is experiences many things; new things and things of old. And Im really happy about this; but the adult in me is no where to be seen.
Adult life is missing.
I live in an an apartment based on the state; Ive spent the last third of my life going to therapists; riding mountain bikes; and going to 12 step meetings. Trying to learn how to interact and show up around people again while dealing with CPTSD, Dissociative disorder, AVPD, milder forms of clinical depression, Agoraphobia; And hanging out with people that; some understand and many don't.
My main focus is on what I feel I need and what feels good; and this means; the child in me is running the show learning to survive and get his needs met; This means; Im tough'nd; I can survive around a bunch of people socially and get my needs met; even tho the intellectual person is not getting fed; the child is getting fed; so, that means; family, means acceptance, Im accepted, I have a seat. It means social events and meetings and interactions. However, the adult is not getting fed yet. And theirs still problems.
How am I accepted. Am I treated with respect for who I am; Hell no! They couldn't respect me if they wanted to; In fact; instead of giving me respect; they treat me as a little harmless kid who is inferior; and I have to deal with that; boundaries. Its not easy; all the backward judgments of the people around me. They see me as less then they are; or they've got something on it. but Im surviving in these circles. Its not easy; but deep deep down Im getting the base recovery for the child in me; Im sacrificing how the adult looks to others to get this base attention the child needs; and its hard to get it anywhere else; and my higher power has me in these meeting or this one purpose; to get that child fed; but hat about the adult; thats where this is leading; the child has to get built and satisfied that he's home again; then I will naturally move on to the next level; and that would the next year beyond.
Im learning; when dealing with some people; to stay away from them; dont fight with them; move away from them; they were never my friends or safe to be around. and I have to learn how to do with this boundary wize-. Its allot of work; I get pushed around allot.
Ive noticed that people dont talk to me; they want me to talk to them and build them up; they are sucking things from me like a vacuum cleaner...

Adult life; relationships; cars, houses, careers, families, money, toys, vacations and so on.......
The adult world does not exist for me; not yet; Im working...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 216 times

Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm

Im Fat; don't sugar coat it or Ill eat that to. Its not exercise. I can exorcize. My guts addicted to sugar or when I loose weight; the starve part of me wants to kick in and eat as much as possible. What ever it is; something has to change; sad part is; I exercise and can loose the weight; but I gain it back within three weeks; I talked to a friend and they told me I have to work my azz off to hold my desired weight; and I believe it and I believe that is the answer; sacrifice and thats what I have to work my thinking into.I kill myself loosing 25 pounds through exorcise then gain it back in a month; then have to go back to grueling biking to get it off; and then I gain it back; then Im back to hours n hours every day biking again. to much; doesn't make sense. Somethings got to give. Maybe research it. Somethings got a hold of my gut that I want to eat everything in side after Ive lost the weight; it wasn't this bad in the past.
I understand about probiotics but still. I drink apple cider vinegar every day and biking more n more; so Im heading back to making that decision to change my eating again and go back to loosing weight again. We will see.

Im getting better; when I here guys talk about work and money and trucks n things; more more Im comfortable with it. That means Im coming back to the present.
The more I work on my own story the more independent I get.
The more I take pride in working on my own positive story for my future the better I feel and the more independent I feel and Im searching and looking for that independence; thats whats most important.
Im working on these dominant stories of what I want; and Im getting more in detail; One area Im getting stronger at and opening up chances in my imagination; Im imagining Im with her; and Im working on something; like with sand; we are building a sand castle together and we start throwing sand on each other; sand balls; attacking each other and laughing; close up; this stuff is hard for me in my imagination because Im going from protection of CPTSD to re connection with somebody; but I have to. I have to get to a point where Im conferrable in my imagination being close to my Asian soulmate. And Im getting stronger at it; it hurts and it feels squarely.
I have more work to do. The key is to have a head full of fantastic thoughts of doing things and with others at a high frequency level. This means seeing myself with my Asian soulmate hand n hand having coffee together at the coffee shop talking and having fun; a and really feeling it; really investing in the kinds of stories for myself. And seeing my Asian soulmate and I camping and praying together and doing magic spells together and stuff and drawing in the mud together and look at the stars at night through a telescope together or swimming together off a dock or the shore after mountain biking by a lake; that kind of thing. Having milk shakes together and seeing a movie; and seeing it all in my mind; sleeping together. traveling together. Creating art together; going to a gallery together; stuff like that. all kinds of stuff; see so much of it in my mind that it takes over reality and becomes my reality and when I believe that; then, she will appear.. And if Im comfortable with these stories and scenes in my head; I will gain much more confidence... Its already happening.
Im finding that with enough confident stories; my dissociation is dropping and Im looking at people in the eyes and not dropping my head so much....
Things are looking up because Im writing allot of stories about my new life; I have a whole head full of them but Im still warped; Im not back yet; Im using the stories to get me back to a ground level. Its not easy; non of it... doing this; its like playing a guitar; its takes years of work. but Im doing it...

0 Comments Viewed 326 times

Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am

Men have been defeated by women; its true; but maybe not in the way that most see it; for men have been defeated by women; have been defeated in a way that they cannot come back from. But maybe their is hope; maybe; slight hope. Maybe; Men are inline with the universes; women are inline with the castle and baron of the castle.
Men have been defeated by women because men now know what women are really like; traitors to their people; Men walk away saddened and heart broken; because they will never see women again. Thus, men are truly broken with no purpose. For a mans whole purpose was to impress a women to get her to notice him. that was all they lived for. But not anymore. Men do not have women anymore; for their is nothing anymore; juts corruption.
Men have been defeated by women because men see women as they truly are. And men have no interest anymore; they are not going to take interest in a black widow spider. Im being serious here. Once they see women for what they are; men will have no real purpose on earth; this is not because women have some how snuck into the realm of men and defeated them. Men being defeated has nothing to do with women; men have been defeated because the one thing they lived for has been taken from them; and its the one biology the made them interested in life; and that was women; the biology of women. But that has been stripped and taken away. Men now see women for what they really are. Or men now see women for what they are; and men are truly alone. Not because of what women have conquered. Women did not conquer men; but men have been subdued and conquered. They no longer have women; for women don't exist anymore. In its place is a monster.... A monster that has betrayed its people and its countryman....
Men have been defeated by women because women are losers. And men never new this... This is the last thing in the world men ever wanted to know. By looking up to women and seeing them with worth; men had a chance; but not anymore; the very innocent life blood and purpose for men has been taken away; not bey women; but by a mans innocence; he no longer sees women with respect; he sees them with a veil silence of uncertainty. For they are traitors. Men cannot connect to a traitor of the human race. And women have crossed that line. Now that men know what they are; they are going their own way. Possibly killing them selves; or dying in numbers or drugging themselves to death or seeking God; for they have no purpose. men were innocent children once; just looking to connect with women; but what they've seen; theirs nothing to connect with.... theirs nothing their...

I feel defeated and will explore that. I feel defeated by women; I didn't now why women were at war with me; or at war with the type of person that I am. In reality Im an unassuming person, unassuming man; I wanted a life; I couldn't get it; so; I wanted women; I couldn't get them either. I say I could not get " them"; what does that mean? Im a loser? or Im defeated.
I cant get a women
I cant get women; meaning; no women wants me; and they dont; not the real me; Im of no value to anyone of them; so Im man and vengeful and confused. So; I turn to the universe; I turned to the universe first before all this defeat; so; In reality; Im right with the universe but wrong for the world or our nation....
Im worried about what others will think; I want so badly to have a prize to look good in front of others eyes; that I fit in socially; I feel stripped and naked in society not having a women. I feel less them; exposed; laughed at.. Horrible; or if Im no good. worth nothing because I don't have a women... And I don't have one. Nothing.
My connection to have a women has been so ripped to pieces and ruptured; I can hardly lift it with any strength to connect with a new women I meet; I have no strength. nothing.... Im so weak...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 195 times

Plans from the universe; they have cometh

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm

The first of the Plans are showing up from the universe.
Smaller skirmishes of bunched thought ideas; circular ideas have been showing up for some time; years. They have bunched together to create completions of smaller projects.
The answer is in the stars; the answer is in the water. For the water opened up beneath me; And as I looked at the stars; I began to look down. and water formed all around me at the surface; the size of a small lake; I was positioned in the center; it grew and grew like a sheet of glass.. Suddenly and without warning; I begin to see letters form on the water or right beneath the water; a whole book was forming on top of the water or beneath or at water level; As if someone was writing white lettering on the water.
Instructions; that was the white lettering; it was all around me; It was instructions on how to proceed to the next level; a level that baffled me.
And this was from the universe.
Things appear and I start to appear because things appear. And for those who can understand this; ideas appear first, then I appear.
my goal is to appear. first the ideas then me; we will see.

Many want to eat but few want to be the lion that hunts....
I have to appear
My imagination must continue.
Im learning to trust the universe and continue to use my imagination. The imagination is where pathways open up; Their is no telling how the universe will open up my imagination; the key is to keep working at it as long as it takes.
Work must be done to open the imagination to build and help with the understanding and footings of the plans the universe gave me.

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breaking things and coming together

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am

When I was in the hospital; they were repairing my arm. But when it was put back together; they released me from the hospital; but the arm still didn't work; I asked them what to do; they told me to go to the gym. For the arm was dysfunctional but it was put back together...
When I was at the therapists office they reconnected me to myself and to the therapists; but I still didn't function right; I asked them what to do; they told me to go to the 12 step group.
The past;
I could not face anything from the past; I had lost all the past plus all the expectations of the past and all the unfinished business of the past; I lost it; all of it; I was pulled out of my life in the past and never accomplished or finished anything.
I could not face people of the past and this was a problem; if I could not face the past or the people of the past; how was I suppose to face anyone in the present. Whats the solution? by breaking the problems down into small steps and working with the right safe people; I could relearn basics until I become a stronger more well rounded person.
Most of my psych work is about getting better so I can fix the past so I can face the present.
It would be impossible to fix the past; I mean; Id have to re experience social intimate things in the present to fix the past; how would that be possible with the amount of CPTSD I have; but it happened. Some how it was possible; things just happened; events happened and I was part of many things in the 12 step system; in the end I re experienced a complete circles of social situations; and once emotionally complete, I could prove to myself that I have simulated the same procedures that would be required to fix the past. What do I mean by this.
Lets say:
I could not face a person in the past; What would I need to do? Well; I would need to walk up to her house; I would need to knock on her door; when she came to the door; I would need to sit down with her and tell her how I felt about everything. I would need to understand that she owed me nothing at that moment; I was spilling my feelings to her; spilling my feeling to her was the goal; getting out my venerable feelings; that would be the goal.
Expressing my feelings to people in the present;
Why is it important to fix the past; why is it important that I can imagine walking up to that girls house in the past and talking to her and expressing my feelings for her; why? because if I can express my feelings for her in the past and fix that situation; I can start expressing my feelings for someone new in the present. If I can face what happened in the past; I can face the completion of relationship with new people in the present.
How do I face something from the past; I indirectly face the same thing in the present; How do I do this; first I write about what I want, then I visualize what I want. Then I imagine Ive got new situations with new people in the present; that Im slowly working on social basics; interactions with people; one step at a time; and let the universe help me out.
In my recovery process I have successfully recreated situations where women saw me or listened to me from a distance and fell for me; then slowly migrated toward me and wanted to be close to me and they got close to me; but I got scared; CPTSD/Dissociative order and I ran away. But with help; I came back; and the girls would see me; and get close to me again. And slowly I would get used to them getting close to me; they would show up around me. Soon; my I employed the help of a few guys for support; this giving me the courage; I worked my way around those women again and allowed them close to me; and soon I began to take chances; I would walk up and say hello and start slow; soon I was asking basic questions of feelings; and soon more questions about feelings. Finally; I would walk over and have close intimate conversations about my feelings for them and their...

[ Continued ]

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