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Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm

The key to success is hunger....... TO be hungry for something. Hunger without enthusiasm is slavery; so; Im not talking about slavery; In the Bible it suggests to let a man alone who is drunk who is in sorrow from losses greater then a man to bare. let him be; let him alone; let him drink and be dissociated from reality; for he has no heart to be part of the world; he is not interested anymore in anything...
And; This is not me!
Im now interested in things and living again; but concerning what Ive been through; I still see the faces of the past. Im not cured; Im in the middle of things. If I want a life; I must define it and work toward it the best I can.
Am I saying this correctly? I have to be done with the past and able to move on. That does not mean I dont see it; the door is open to it but my energy has new directions of interest with enthusiasm; and thats what Im working toward.
I am done with the past and Im ; broke; so Im not able to move on; and that is actually a part of my victimhood and my past; My heart was disabled financially; Its associated with those abusers that could take advantage of me anytime they thought to. Money is associated with abuse; and fear and rage and hatred and anger and sexual abuse are associated with money; the hatred of such things; all of it; They stole my money; they didn't need to; took it and never payed me ever; they kept it like I was a slave... So; money is associated with adolescent time period of being destroyed, raped, preyed upon, used; humiliated; like being in an oven with it on... no way to escape ever.... Like being burned to death...

and Im now squirming because of it and hurting really really bad and insecure. What they did to me ruined my financial abilities along with my relationship abilities; Im not giving up; but all that pain and sorrow and loss and the financial inabilities brings the past right back; all of it; it takes me to my house as a child where I was thrown away and where I had all that hope and dreams; and I was ruined. So; At that juncture point; where I would escape; I was thrown away before I could hang on and escape or prepare for it; and now Im relearning how to get back into some kind of mode to function again in the world and Im not sure who or what I am or what Im striving toward. Ill keep at it tho.
My age doesn't matter concerning my direction; the PTSD that is stopping my thinking does. Im not sure what direction to take. I live in a box in my head; I spend all day in front of a computer screen hiding; Im not in the real world doing anything or going after anything or creating my own world; I do it in my apartment. But Im not getting anywhere. I do spend time at 12 step meetings; an essential part of my recovery; but my life now is about more than recovery; I want it to go somewhere. So; I have to find myself out with other people and interacting with others and meeting others; Im scared to death I wont fit in with anyone.
Im a high quality person and I want to bash myself in and say negative things about me; its my mothers voice bashing in the high quality person.
I have high quality capabilities but I want to destroy myself instead of participate in activities that would build those qualities; my mother is still running me from inside my head but its lessoning or Im waking up more to it, Even as Im writing about it; my mind switches to the flashbacks and critical voice of my mother....
And when the flashbacks hit; they attack; Im believing Im back home; Im 8 years old; my mind is taken over; I don't see where Im at now or where I want to be; its all taken over or Im crushed under critical voice if I try to move forward.
Anger; hate and rage attack me when I try to see myself doing a profession; Im ripped too pieces with ridicule as if I can't amount to anything. I haven't the first clue on what that feels like to be at a better level then this;...

[ Continued ]

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A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm

Im 57 years old; and Ive never slept with a women before or had a girlfriend. What does that really mean? It means; ive never gone out and saw a women I wanted to sleep with; hit on her and took her home and slept with her. and; I never saw a women I wanted to date; and really liked and went out with her and made her my girlfriend. That means the real me has never done this; the present me. Me in charge and happy and awake and creating my own life. Never have I done it! never! Ive never paid my rent on my own volition, Ive never owned my own house or a car; ive never bought anything for myself accept starting a few years ago; where I was taking back my life and the things I wanted; mainly. toys of some nature; telescopes; bikes; computers, plastic model kids and such..... drums.
So; Ive never had my own car because that is a developmental issue when at the proper age; and I never bought my own car or worked for it or learned about independence at that proper age; it was all stolen from me. all of those experiences and to be present for them. Instead; I was made un-present through abuse; cut off from myself and ran around like a mindless zombie controlled by those in charge; Haters of then human race. And my father abandoned me at 9; or beginning at age 7; the perfect age for the sociopath to abandon; just after young childhood; they would create a child; use them up to 7 years old then dump them in one form or another; give them some attention for their own personal use up to age 7 then dump them; but not tell them first. So it was for me; I never had a first car experience; I thought I would; my whole life was planned with my father in mind; I was sure he would be their as I got older and help develop me; I had no idea; none that he would abandon me; suddenly; all dreams died and I died with it.. They did a good job fooling us; we were little kids; sickening; horrible horrible pain; and then I was thrown away. And here I am now ready to start it over again; sort of; Im not completely ready; I have to go from 1st grade to 2nd grade. I have to accept that; and then let the walls fall down and allow myself to come out of that broken egg into the world again; into the surrounding areas; then prepare myself and grow and get solid; and once solid; start over; dating; reading books.... and many other things; we will see what shows up; its about freedom; freedom of speech and expression; thats what its about; free talking; getting my feelings about and becoming who I was originally suppose to become.


The goal is to become present again as that second grader and start over; and this is a bit of an art form as their is no original family; but I have the origin neighborhood I used to roam around in to walk around and reminisce about the past; but Im not their yet; meaning; Im not myself yet; but Im getting stronger; its about alignment with myself; this can be done through meditation.
This will take some work and long hours of work. Nothing free. Im working against my nervous system that I come back out into the real world again; my nervous system doesn't like the idea. IT does not want to get better; it wants to fight and stay protected; doesn't want to open up to the world again; not after what Ive been through. unbelievable nightmare.. horror show where I was killed.

When younger I had mental illness; starting I 5th grade because of sudden abandonment and severe abuse; by the time Im 14 Im interested in dating; what I didn't know; I was warped and mentally unstable and mentally ill and Ill get much worse... So; nothing with girls at that time will work out for me; it will be dysfunctional. I will blame myself; but it was never my fault; it will never work out for me because Im mentally ill; God knew this; I did not.
When I tell you about a girl I loved and missed out on. it was 99% in my head; and one percent possibility; if I took that chance;...

[ Continued ]

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She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am

Kind of a long post;

Ive talked intensively about the girl from my teenage youth that I loved and wanted to marry because God had brought up together and I destroyed.
Tonight as I recover and get better; and Im at a meeting. It hits me; the girl I loved. First let me say; that when the truth appears; it all starts to make sense; what baffled me before; the truth comes to light. Im no longer baffled.
I asked God about her; what's next concerning this girl. The reason she is so important to me is; I had a break down and turned on her; but when I turned on her; I turned on my future and my life; I coward out. She would have been my life; and its true; but what I didn't see was; the potential was their for her to be my wife; I had not established enough of an interaction with her.

God now has revealed the truth to me that was 2 hard to deal with at that age; or up until recently. A simple answer that clears everything up kind of; my heart still yearns for an answer; but the answer is; how to recover from mental illness; thats the answer; it had nothing to do with anyone else.
I was devastated by the girl because; as I quickly began to change; Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde; I reached out to her the best I could because I wanted and needed help; but it wasn't love I needed; but I did need love; I needed someone to understand my mental illness and the dire straits I was in because my mind had been broken and I need someone to see this and get me help; I needed a mental hospital; not a girlfriend. Altho a girlfriend sounded so nice; I did not have a stable enough brain to sustain any kind of relationship or even association with anyone; I should have never been up at her house; instead I should have been getting an intake evaluation at a mental health facility. I had no one; so anyone coming into contact with me; sooner or later I broke down and with insecurity and desperation cried out for something; projected insanity from the deepest inner being of myself for help. but I was in desolate lands; no one would have connected the help call; all they saw was darkness.

The others;
Their was more then one girl. They're were several girls. I loved the one girl; but could not get close to her because I chickened out; she lived up the street; she was my soulmate; but I turned on her after creating a relationship with her; building it; molding it; she wanted me; all I had to do was follow through; and I couldn't; I felt so stupid. And at the same time; I was hitting on some other girl at school; I don't remember; maybe I made out with her; She later told me she loved me. I slammed her emotionally; dumped her; said she meant nothing to me. And then I ended up not following through with the girl I loved.. And I tried to get close to her again but she wouldn't. but I could have gotten close to her and have her back any time I wanted; Any time. But still; I started dating another girl; but I didn't want her; I just acted like I wanted her. And I could have dated a whole lot more girls. But the thing was; I only wanted the one. and I could have had her any time I wanted and I wanted to marry her but I played the victim with her until she didn't want me anymore; I thought; what a cold B_tch. But in reality; this is not what it appears to be. Closer to the truth; I met this girl up the street and this girl up the street liked my attention; but I began to flake out; and soon the girl become confused. She tried to get me to stay over night with her or ask her out; she did anything she could to throw herself on me but I wouldn't respond to her but I would continue to come up to her house everyday; I chickened out; but what really happened; I dissociated out of reality; because I was never in reality; I should have never been their; I was mentally ill simply seeking out anyone that might notice me that could get me some help with mental health services. These were just...

[ Continued ]

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Signs of handling reality

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

More looking on the past. Mainly the same as other blogs but this time with a bit of a twist concerting getting better. But; its the same stuff I always talk about and feel like I want to review.

I remember when very young and I wanted to work in that corner business down town; I was a little kid. I had all kinds of plans. Later I would meet those people and befriend their son; they would move their shop to a new location and were prominent people in town; I would be at that shop several times a week with my friend; he had to work in the green houses. Looking back; I had no idea he was not my friend. I was just a son; there for laughs and boredom. But I did not know; I was a nice child; a really nice sensitive kid. really normal and nice; innocent. Really nice; I loved the Monkeys and The Beatles and flipper... And Star Trek the original series; it came on every Friday night at 8.
I went by that shop on my bike again today; empty; foreclosed; dark and quite; No one around; no one to be seen; I looked in the windows and I see myself as a child with my friend while the place was busy. Now; its a ghost building. I rode around back and looked through the back door; I used to hang out their behind their and play with my friend.
He had a big family. 5 sisters and Grandparents and aunts and uncles; I met some of them; would go fishing at his grandparents house when young.
Now; nothing; I spent allot of my time as a child at their house; Now; Ill never see any of them again as if I never met them. And they dont care. Im sure they see me riding my bike all the time; but they dont care.
Why dont they care; because I was never really a friend of any of theirs; all fair weathered friends. I Never knew.
How do you get over such a loss as this; Theirs no closer; Nothing. Most of my young childhood was spent in their big back yard staying over night in their tents or catching bees in the morning with jars. They didn't mind because I was socializing their son; But I didn't know this. I thought I was loved and accepted as an equal. But I wasn't but never knew. The rest of them knew. all the sister knew. I had history at that house. I saw all his sister almost naked at times Long before their husband would; of course; I was 5 years old.
I had history with them; but they had no history with me; I meant nothing to them. Nothing. I never knew. I was not wanted and they thought they were better then I was. They made the comment that I was trash to their son; this was in first grade and again when I was in 4th or 5th grade; I did not understand; comment that my brothers were trash; I did not understand what that meant or why someone would say that; later I would learn all to well.
I went by that building today where their shop was located; I had no history with them; I thought I did; but I did not; I had my own history with them... But they never knew.
Now; Im starting to get over them as I wake up from dissociative disorder; a condition they helped cause.
Im now getting over them. They are becoming part of a bad past that's in the past as Im in the present walking on my 2 feet. How horrible to do this to a child. But; they did this to their own children and some of they grandchildren. it was not just me. But my friend was never a friend. I did not know. I thought I meant something to him; that I was his best friend; I was wrong. And that breaks my heart. But I had made an incident mistake in first grade by meeting this person in the first place; God has shown me what I was suppose to do if I could re enact it; I was to enter the room; see this boy up front and suddenly; leave him be; he was not my friend. Go the other direction; and in my imagination and in my writings; I go to the left and sit in the far corner of the room... I am always re writing my past on paper.
About 15 years ago; I invited myself over for Christmas at their house;...

[ Continued ]

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Suicidal thoughts of giving up; but I wont; its fear

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:20 pm

Im getting hit with fear; over whelming fear; its exhausting; Im outside all the time and I have agoraphobia. I used to hide all the time so I have to remember this. I can take only so much " outside". the outside world. After awhile it starts to get to me and I have to go into my cave. Im stronger then I used to be; and Im getting better I guess. The fear; Im seeing it as fear and this comes from the deepest part of me; I see it coming from sexual abuse; that time period I was trapped and controlled; kidnapped would be a better word for it. What do you call a situation where a child has no choice of where they live; they have to live with abusers or molesters; I would call this kidnapping; same thing... And the psychopaths planned this; they knew ever detail of what they were doing and how it would unfold. They wanted to capture and entrap children. I was never safe from the first day I was born; nothing.
Im trying to work through the PTSD surrounding this; that I can come out of the flashbacks; for the most part its happening but its exhausting; I get suicidal; So I have to back off; I hate it when I hit these walls. I can't go beyond them and then I freak out. flip out. My mind gives up... And I get frustrated and mad. I just want to give up; but I wont or I don't. When I see the ptsd; I feel like nothing has changed... Im not safe no matter where I go.
Im looking for new social connection; part of me is at this point of change or re connection with more cultured educated people; that gap is lessoning.... Im at that point. So at least I see what it feels like to watch a gap heal or shore up inside me.
Ive noticed I never tried to get to safe places socially; I just accepted where I was at and stayed their; learned helplessness; trauma bonded..... something like that. Im trying to wake up out of the abuse of the past...
Ive been getting stronger around people; giving my opinion to them; an opinion that might piss them off or start a fight. Ive noticed this several times; Im starting to have a voice; I have to watch who I do this with; talk to; I can have it slammed back into my face....
So; I have to watch it; keep working with the universe.
Another problem or area of concerning; the damaged person from trauma attracting sociopaths and I attract my share of them. I want to finish what started along time ago in my life and Im still attracting sociopaths to take my anger out on but they always win; and I have to learn this; I go into freeze mode around them; they trap me verbally with commands; they command me and I don't stand up to them or walk away; I go into freeze mode and do what they say through intimidation. I don't know how to stand up to them nor do I want to; Ive tried in the past; they brush it off; its like it never bothered them; they aren't listening; I learned a long time ago to walk away; but sometimes I like to hang out places. And they are in those places and those places are the only places I have to go for recovery and I need to feel like a child and be safe and recover....
Another problem is isolation. Its important when breaking isolation to find the right kind of people; no sociopathic types; I have to look out for this problem. I attract them...
So; I have to work with the universe for changes to occur.
I get hit with bad thoughts when riding my bike to the store; the longer journey alone outside; I hate it; having to deal with it again. I almost refused to ride my bike anymore to the store; I thought about taking the bus but at the same time; and I mean to the store not around town because I hate the journey because of the thoughts that come up. anyway; I get hit with flashbacks and then Im intolerant and just want to die.. it comes on me fast with no toleration; nothing; I get suicidal quickly; what's the point; Im trying to break through; why wont the universe help me.... I feel alone... completely...

[ Continued ]

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