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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- February 2020
talking to women
   Sat Feb 15, 2020 5:23 am
fake friends and no girlfriend
   Mon Feb 10, 2020 11:07 pm
Women and relationships
   Sat Feb 08, 2020 5:07 am

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talking to women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 15, 2020 5:23 am

Talking to women; I don't know where this starts; but I have an idea.
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So; am I willing to unravel women; my entanglement with them my whole life; I don't know. Ive been through some brutal rejection; so its hard; all of it. but its not that hard. will I attract who I want to associate with. who do I want to associate with... if Im sincere; she would show up. we will see; and I cant look or think about her. I have to be doing something I enjoy and she will find herself beside me. ..
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I've got an ego and Im not up to speed; Im seeing myself thrown away at age 10 and that is the great pain; and I deflect women because of this poverty... So; I'm dissociated from self at that point.
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Im ashamed of my economic situation altho its not my fault. Im trying to blame myself for having PTSD CPTSD. If only I had dodged instead of weaved. Or jumped or stayed away a little sooner; everything would have worked out; if Only I had been less self centered I could have gotten help on my own. but I could not because I didn't even know the name of the problems I had. and Im surrounded by lies concerning all this. false hope and pretensions.
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I have to be more frontal; meaning; in front of self; not sidelined as if my personality was cut off. That is the problem.
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Im not around the right women?
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I have to become the right guy.
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Ego; Something is wrong; it could be the self image I created for myself when young; an upper middle class self image like the friend I had down the street; but it was never me. I wanted part of it to be me. The nice kid from the middle class neighborhood; that was the idea. but it never panned out. Who am I really; what was I suppose to do with my life really. who am I... .
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Im someone else entirely. Im trying to wake up. It's not easy; considering the people Im around.
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As for women; I need much counseling for the rest of my life. It has to do with connection and connection with the right people; and talking to them and getting to know them and opening up to them.... meaning people; in this case; women people; Id say girl; but living in this communistic society anymore; no more free speech... anything will be used again me that I say.
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So; when it comes to women; it's about being present and at the right frequency to talk to them. I haven't been ready for such things or with the right person for such things. And I can feel the pain as I talk about it here. I can feel this gap. This murky gap. IT has to heal and be closed and thats what Im attempting to work on; the problem is; Im dissociated in that area; I go blank; it feels like my personality has been cut off at this level. So; what then do I do. And that is what Im attempting to face; I cant face the reality; thats the problem.
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right now; I play low.... I let things slide as I learn what I have to learn until I learn it and get stronger.
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As for women; I don't know! Who am I attracting; thats what I have to work on.
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It's simple tho; if I was attracting the right women; or I believed I could have the right women; and I was attracting them; I would be dating them. So; I don't want the right women: I want to fight..
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I feel like Im in the recovery process and haven't stepped outside yet too a new group of people; and I feel Ill be shot down; lack of funds...
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So; I have to keep working through this thing . Another area is me getting it together and working toward my life and feeling good inside; is that possible; maybe. Im working on it; could I self actualize this; maybe; I felt it today.
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Something is stopping me concerning women; Ive been around the wrong ones... and the wrong people; I get up and walk away from them; some of them and they act like they have no idea what they didl. Thus; I don't care if I ever talk to any of them again; those people I was associating with.
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I dissociate bad when it comes to women; the time period.... junior high;...

[ Continued ]

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fake friends and no girlfriend

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Feb 10, 2020 11:07 pm

I had no real friends when young; only a few guys that lived up the street to the left; south side.
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I did not know that I had no fiends. I thought the people on the north side were my friends; I was wrong; they never liked me and most did not know me more then 2nd grade and I went to their houses; they never went to mine and I never knew; thats what hurts so much; it destroyed my plans. I never knew I was not wanted or liked.
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I had one friend who lived up the street; but he was not my friend. He did not come to me to be friends; I went to him; he went along with it. It was fake. It is hard to deal with when I realized I meant nothing to him; He was not my friend; he was no friend; it was all fake; all of it. all of it; all of it. all of it. Fake... I thought of him as closer then a brother and his family; and thats where the problem lies; I do this with everyone. And in reality; non of these people are my friends; They are perfect strangers and I mean nothing to them and they see nothing in me and no value; thats why this is a problem.
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I hate that another person faked me out; I hate it. The whole world faked me out; no one cared about me or cared what happened to me; I had no friends. I had no one.
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This friend that lived up the street; the fake friend; the problem was; his house was solid and is family system solid; he did not need to be deep friends with me or have me as a best friend; what I didn't realize was; he thought of me as trash but smiled to my face the whole time; even as little children. It was all fake; all of it.
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Im trying to get over the fact their were no friends; I was in a state of dilution about all things; and all people; the only reality I had was Television shows; that was my only way out.
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I had no parents; it was a lie; that was a lie.
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I had no first girlfriend. A. girl lived up the street. I needed her. So; I went to her after meeting her; I never said she was the right girl for me. I made her into the right girl; but in reality; she said I meant nothing to her. How can this be. How can this be my soulmate; Impossible..... This can't be my soulmate; nor can this be my best friend at the time or a girlfriend or any friend. She was not my friend. Something else is wrong here. she was a sociopath; that is closer to the truth and I fell into it. And that is truly hard to admit; because I thought someone wanted me for me. But in reality; no one did. I was supply for awhile; supply to play with.
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no one wanted me... ever; never has; no!
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Getting over the girl from the past is hard because I loved her; but its not real love because no one really existed to love. I made her into someone to love; but it wasn't real. Thats the problem. She showed signs of pathology; Thus; no one their to love. But I had convinced myself that God had brought my soulmate to me. I remember the feelings and everything; and I was wrong? Then what is right? nothing seems right no matter what direction I go.
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I have a history of making all the people around me into people that love me or are my friends when no one did or does or cares... nothing. I was always in a dissociative state. and I would like to admit it and get on with my real life.
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I keep trying to make myself out to be someone Im not. I hate it; I can't live up to it because I did not come from anything. Im so very confused...
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I tried to reach out to people; many people with no avail; nothing worked. no one liked me; I was being used or I was a stranger....... And that is the truth that is so hard for me to deal with.
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The girl I loved when young; How can I love someone who said I meant nothing to them and showed signs of pathology at some point; impossible; who ever I loved did not exist;' nor was my interpretation of who they were. IT was all wrong; I was being used and fooled. I was around the wrong people. all of them.
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The 2 biggest ...

[ Continued ]

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Women and relationships

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 08, 2020 5:07 am

Im a 4 year old masquerading as an 8 year old masquerading as an 14 year old. So; Im 14 years old; Or I'm telling the story of when I was 14 years old.
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So; I met a girl when very young; she lived up the street. First I will say; I was living in a new city. So; I had this feeling it was just temporary; until later when all things died..
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I was living in this city; up the street was a girl; I met her and started calling her; I liked her and she liked me. I would walk up to her house and be with her and she with me. One day after flirting; I was 2 scared to do anything with her. But it wasn't fear of her; my mind was somewhere else; it was PTSD and what had happened to me in the past; but I didn't know.
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So; she jumped on me; sat on my lap and waited to see what I did. in other words; she like me. I pushed her off and acted arrogant; but I really liked her. but that was 2 much for me. but it wasn't. I have to find out why I pushed her off me. And their it is.
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I was afraid I was not manly enough. I felt 2 faced... like I was secretly someone else and did not want anyone to know. I was secretly a broken child from another place and time ruined and scared out of my mind and confused and dissociated from reality.
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No one cared about me so I cared about me; I won't work. Soon; I will crumble. But what was the problem with starting a relationship with the girl; and their it is. I did not feel worthy; why? thats what Im trying to work on.
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So; I have to find out why I pushed the girl off me. My self centeredness and anger and fright; I was scared.
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I thought I was a fraud; an imposter and I started to feel that way and wanted to run away. I liked her tho; thats the problem with this story. and I have to find out why I did not allow her to sit on my lap and figure out how to fix it... thats what Im writing this for.
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The point is; I wanted the girl; but I was being controlled within by the psychopaths I lived with. I did not have their permission; it was fear; I was being controlled by past fear as well. And I can see that fear and the PTSD and the past; and the dissociative disorder; I can see it as I write; someone else was running my life. I was under the intimidation of abusers; psychopaths and sycophants... I had become their slaves out of true fear; Real terror and fear. And now I have to confront it; accept it and work on it. stockholm syndrome. Trauma bonding.... its bad in me; real bad; they have control of me; I don't know how to confront it because its flash back city. We will see..

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Completely dissociative; not anymore

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jan 29, 2020 10:33 am

Completely dissociative; not anymore....
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Im still dissociative.
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35 years. ago or more; in college; I could no longer function outside. Everything came crashing down. Agoraphobia.
I could not perform anymore; I started drumming in the window of my dorm. I could no longer handle the real world. Air drumming; from real drumming to air drumming to no drumming and then no relationship ability…. slowly getting sicker and sicker and more crazy and dissociative; until finally profs were complaining about my work ; saying I was crazy…
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Now; as my mental illness goes down; and it has been; Im still damaged. still have CPTSD. after 50 years; things are changing in my favor. Ive wanted to do something for real; not dissociatively . I. Didn't want to play air guitar for ever; but I gave up ever being in reality ever again; to many dissociative. PTSD walls trapped me.
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Here is an example of what Im talking about; Im spontaneous and would buy a guitar but never learn how to play it. And this would go on for 50 years. I played the piano; but just fooled around.
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After going to the nut house in 2006; I came out with an interest in music again after 20 years. I had forgotten or dissociatively shoved it out; it disintegrated and was no more. Then it came back.
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I started composing; it was a renaissance for me. I composed about 300 pieces; many songs and experimental stuff, piano stuff..... classical stuff.
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Ive never learned a piece of music in my life. Maybe a Bach song on piano; and thats it; because of trauma background; I never learned how to Read music at the piano; but I learned how to compose music with traditional notation by practicing and studying music theory in college. I Studied musical scores and its definitely a creative calling for me. I would listen to classical music and learned how to play the piano in classical style; I studied classical scales and arpeggios and finger exercises.
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So; I never learned a song; never played live; nothing. but I did play and learn; I had been getting relief from trauma by hiding in the drums for years; since a little boy; I never took them seriously until high school; but it was 2 late; I could not take responsibility for myself; I was 2 separated from myself.
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I never learned one song; ever... 50 years. I was not able ; not able in reality. I was a destroyed person. trying to hang on. I was so hurt. I could not handle anything; or coming into reality; impossible.
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If its not in reality; nothing will ever come of it. Only day dreams. nothing.
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I could not handle what I did not ever become. learning something would define who I had not become. I would just be a guy who had learned one song in my life; while someone else had been a college prof or scientist or Architect; I was nothing. and it would prove it if I actually learned to do something basic that would take me into reality; instead; I stayed in a dissociative dream world. Getting worse; my condition started to resemble schizophrenic condition; it wasn't schizophrenia; it was severe dissociative disorder; left me completely disabled.
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Today; things have changed. Ive been working long hours; 10s of thousands of agonizing hours. 10s of thousands... Years; decades in the recovery process to get better or just hang on...... That is a very long time....
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Today Im working on learning the lyrics of a song. its happening. 15 years ago; I tried to act; I could not memorize anything because of PTSD. And I could not memorize a long; to much reality for me; and would bring my past crashing down on me.
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Recovery work with success based thinking concepts and study; this is working for me’ and now Im starting to apply techniques to memorizing. It takes work; Lots of work....
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Im now memorizing words to a song with the goal of completing a song( not my song) and performing it and I don't mean maybe; Im different now. ...

[ Continued ]

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Women and dating

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 25, 2020 4:44 pm

Dating is about coming up to speed.
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Im not up to speed; Im nowhere near the quality right now to do much of anything; but I get it. And I can see what I want and what was taken from me and where Im going; the journey; and Im on that journey. Right now; Im fixating on the starting point of that journey; and that will be the beginning; and the beginning of life; the original expression of innocence and life; that is where I start; ground zero. and from their; I express myself outward in imagination; and from their; the next step. And so; I allow myself; my mind to wonder to the next step; What is the next step; and no controlling it; let it go... where will it land.
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Here is an example of being at the beginning and going the next step...
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Lets say I throw the foot ball with my friends in the backyard of my house as a boy. And then I meditate on this; then what happens. What is the next step; suddenly In my imagination Im lost and it's dark. Suddenly Im in the unknown. and if I hang on; new thoughts come to me. I see myself throwing the football in the park... I see myself throwing the football with others; new people; older people; and the football is thrown further; and Ive met new friends and a team forms; Now Im playing football on a team.
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In order to move from one area; where Im at; to a new area in my imagination; I must meditate; and allow the boat to go down the energy river and tie my hands up and stay out of it; just float down the river; dont control anything.... nothing; stay out of it. let it float until it meanders and docks itself on the shore. and when it does; Ill look around and get out of the boat; and see what is their... and start another life experience...
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So; Im at this place of being back in nursery school; re experiencing it; and then looking up in the middle of the play ground in the backyard. Looking up with my hands in the air and just letting go; and allowing my energy to flow upward; and then what! Whats the next area I land on....
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And it is this journey of allowing to the next landing point; I will be blind for a while; while I make my way through the dark; and then the light will return and I will land on a new planet somewhere and a new destination... and start a new life experience.. and that is what Im working on; staying out of the way; the control.
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Im getting somewhere doing this. hopefully to fill in the gaps to retrain my mind to only what I want to see and head it in the direction I want; with no other thoughts creeping in....
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I can see a future in this... I can see me changing. I becoming myself again with purpose and direction... And I see it.
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Ive got a hurdle I must explore right now and walk through or face; Ill get their; lots of grieving and pain in this; Ill come up to speed in this thing; that is what Im working on...

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